Worst Christmas Eve Ever

I am seriously sitting here in tears because I've had such a sucky day and night.

A manager that I work with have never gotten along and she really pissed me off tonight. She's the most condescending person I've ever known, not to mention one of the laziest people I've ever worked with and today was no exception. I wanted to slap her.

I was already on edge because I'm having to spend the night alone. I've never been alone for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning before. Ever. In my entire life. I was already depressed about that, but I guess it's part of growing up, right? Realizing that you're not as important as you think you are to people. Sure, I could have slept on my parents couch, but which is more lame - being alone at home or sleeping on your mom's couch? Honestly, I chose quiet depression over the alternative that may have been better for my mental state.

And then, a present I was given by another coworker went missing. I'm 99% sure I know who took it, but what am I to do? I just let it go. There was a spare that this coworker had gotten (she counted an extra person by mistake), so I took the extra. They were all the same thing, so it's not like it was something I'm missing by taking the extra gift, but the fact is that mine and the spare were in 2 separate places and should never have been mixed up, for one. Secondly, the person I'm sure took it had a gift of her own, so why would she take that plus the extra?? That's just being greedy and rude.

I seriously feel like people have been out to break me for some time. They've finally succeeded, so congratulations to them.

Now do you see why I hate people?


Dear God,
Make me a bird
so I can fly far
far far away from here.

Double Standards

Why is it ok to have sex with a fat woman, but it's so not cool to date one?

Why are fat women hidden away in hotel rooms and their own homes? What is so wrong with walking down the street with a Big Beautiful Woman on your arm?

This is the worst part of being single for me - trying to date and only finding men who are willing to sleep with me, but not be seen with me out in public. It's absolutely disgusting and hurtful. It's OK for guys to be fat. Hell, fat guys date skinny women all the time, but God forbid a fat woman wants to date anyone, much less a skinny guy.

It's really exhausting sorting through anyone who dares email me from a dating site, because I don't know what his intentions may be.

Yes, I realize that thinner women may have similar problems, but at least men aren't ashamed to have a woman who wears double-digit sizes sit at their dinner table in a restaurant.

Ugh. In short, dating sucks!

Christmastime

I love Christmastime. While I say that Halloween is my favorite holiday, Christmastime (starting Black Friday and ending on Christmas day) is my favorite time of year. There's something magical in the air. There's the twinkling lights and dressed up trees. Scarves and knit hats. Mittens. Galoshes (I still need to get me a pair of those!). And, most importantly, Santa.

While I was at work today, I had to fix a window display that I broke last night. LOL. We have large-bulbed Christmas lights in our front windows, framing the marketing behind the glass. As we were walking out of the door last night, I knocked a part of the marketing over and broke a bulb in the string of lights. The entire time I was working on fixing (and eventually replacing) the string, I watched people take their kids to see Santa in our mall.

Santa's photo set up is right outside my store, so I see Santa everyday that I work (since November 1st, or sometime soon after that). Often, he sees me coming down the hall and waves at me. It totally makes my day. I love Santa. I believe in the magic of Santa. And today I witnessed the magic of Santa.

I saw a grown man with special needs go up to Santa, sit on his lap, and talk to him for a good 10 minutes. Not once did I ever see a hint of annoyance or any sort of negativity in Santa's face. Santa was engaged and shared this man's excitement for whatever they were talking about. It very nearly made me a blubbering mess right there in the front window of our store. I'm tearing up just remembering what I saw. It was really the most awesome thing I had seen in quite a long time.

As we enter adolescence, we are encouraged to stop believing in magic and these mythical characters of our childhood. Santa. The Tooth Fairy. The Easter Bunny. I'm still not sure about the Easter Bunny, and I know that my mom was the Tooth Fairy because I found my baby teeth when I was a teenager, but I still believe in Santa. I saw him work his magic today, so I know he's real.

Happy Christmastime, everyone. I hope you all get to see some magic of your own.

4 weeks

It's been 4 weeks since I quit smoking!! Incidentally, also 4 weeks since my first surgery, but that's not the point of this post.

I QUIT SMOKING 4 WEEKS AGO!!! I did have one little slip up last week on Halloween..I lit a smoke and took about 4 drags off of it before deciding it was absolutely disgusting and I put it out. (In my defense, I had been drinking and was surrounded by smokers.)

I feel really good about having quit. I don't have that awful cough anymore. It's wonderful!

I also got my approval letter for my health insurance today. It's good for only 6 months, then I have to reapply, but hopefully by then I'll have gotten a new job with health insurance. I need to get my blood pressure checked out. I think I'm gonna have to get on medication. While I was in the hospital, they kept finding it to be 160/105 - or somewhere in that range of 10 points up or down. That's not good. My blood pressure has never been that high. The hospital actually put me on medication before my surgery to help bring it down so there weren't any complications.

This is just more proof that I have to change my lifestyle. Being completely sedentary is not working for me. But now that I'm totally healed from my surgery, I can get onto the elliptical. I hate that it's in the garage, but it's way too heavy to bring upstairs.

Anyway...I just wanted to celebrate being smoke free for 4 weeks. Yay!!

Halloween!

Just got my Halloween photos posted to Facebook. Click on the pic to see the rest.




Halloween was fun. There was a little drama before the party started because I was tired and apparently annoyed people with my attitude, but whatever. (I'd been up since 4:30am because I had to work that morning and was only able to take a 30 minute nap before finishing up party prep.) But once I segregated myself from everyone and got myself ready for the party, things seemed to be smoothed over and/or forgotten.

For a minute we thought only 2 people were going to show up, but, in the end, 5 showed up. It was the perfect number for our house.

I crashed out at about 1:30am (after the time change) because I was so exhausted, but I must say that I was quite the trooper to last that long. LOL. I'll at least pat myself on the back if no one else will. haha

Anyway..hope you all had great Halloweens as well!

And now we move onto Christmas time!! My work is already decked out in Christmas trees and paper chains. Christmas music, too!! It's such a happy time. ;o) Oh! And I got my first Eggnog Latte of the season. It was oh so tasty!

Grandma Update

Sunday afternoon, I went to see my grandma with my parents. She was looking pretty good. She's not in much pain, but her meds make her nauseated, so she's not eating much. Also, she's really tired. She took an hour-long nap after we got there.

She really does look frail, if I'm being honest, but I think that's because she just doesn't feel well. She was sad she couldn't eat any food (she wants to but is afraid of her stomach getting upset and throwing up), but said she'd try a little bit at some point. We left a bunch of food for her, so I hope she got to enjoy some of it.

At one point when we were there, she was lamenting over the fact that she bought a TV for her bedroom because she now thinks it's a waste of money. She said she thought she'd "go fast" and would be in bed most of the time, but now things are "dragging on" and she much prefers to be in the livingroom. LOL. She's a crazy woman. I think part of her wants to just give in and let whatever happens happen, but I think she's really fighting on the inside.

My aunt Pamela has been spending a lot of time with Grandma since she's not currently working. She took a leave of absence because her Lupus flared up. My cousin Sierra also moved into the basement so she can be there when no one else is. What I find interesting is that her boyfriend is living there with her. 12 years ago, my grandma cried because I was moving in with my boyfriend and would be "living in sin". But I guess things are different now for the youngest grandchild. Then again, she's 21 and I was only 18 at the time. LOL.

Anyway...I think my grandma is still going to be around for a bit.

Video of the week.

It's been a while since I did one of these, but I couldn't resist. Cake Wrecks twittered this video this morning. It's awesome! It makes me want to go back to working in an office with cubicles. LOL

And the hits keep coming...

My grandma has not had it very easy for the last few years.

Starting 15 years ago, she's gone through the following:
She had 2 heart attacks in the same day
She fell and broke her wrists.
She fell and hurt her back.
She had 2 back surgeries between Nov '07 and May '08.
She's over come lung cancer twice - caught early and the spots cut out.
I think she's in the early stages of Alzheimer's.
She's had numerous falls over the last year, continuously bruising her tailbone and injuring her back.

She finally went to the hospital on Monday to have her back looked at. They did a minor surgery to relieve some of her pain and discovered that she has Stage 4 Bone Cancer. I'm not sure what kind of treatments they're going with right now, but she has already been sent home (she was sent home the same day as her procedure). Her current doctors are working with the insurance company to approve a bone cancer specialist that could alleviate her pain and give her another 2 years.

My grandma has an expiration date and I don't like it.

I don't like that this is what it takes for me to step up and be the grandchild I'm supposed to be. I'll be visiting her next week. I'm going to make a conscious effort to visit her every week for as long as she's here.

I'd like to ask that you please donate to anyone and everyone you know that's fundraising for cancer research. Any kind of cancer research.

Right now, Jen @ The Amazing Trips is accepting donations for her Avon Breast Cancer 3-Day walk.

And Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew? is accepting donations for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Foundation Marathon.

Cancer sucks.

What a weekend...

So I spent the weekend at the County Hospital getting my gall bladder out. It's so not what I had expected to be doing this weekend, but it couldn't wait. LOL.

All last week I'd been having severe abdominal pain and finally went to the ER on Friday morning. I was kept in the ER all day while they ran labs and did ultrasounds on my belly. At 8pm, I was finally given a room. I shared my room with a very sick older lady. She slept most of the time, as did I, really. I didn't really sleep much last week, so I was constantly nodding off. lol.

I had my surgery done at about 3pm on Saturday and was hopped up on morphine for the rest of the night. It was a really quick, easy surgery. It was laproscopic so I have 4 puncture wounds in my belly and that's it. They're pretty sore today and the one under my belly button is pretty sore and a little swollen, so I'm going to take it pretty easy today.

Sorry if I hadn't told you about what was going on...I just didn't want to freak anyone out or not be able to keep up with who I was updating. But it's all good now!

This was my first surgery, too. I'd never had to have anything done before. It was kind of nerve wracking. But I guess I've "popped my cherry" so to speak, so if anything else happens, I won't be so nervous. lol.

So how'd you spend your weekend? ;o)

Gay Days @ Disneyland

We had so much fun this weekend!! The drive down and back wasn't too horrible, considering we took my dad's truck and couldn't drive faster than 65. Both days, Jenn and I were up at at the park by 8:30am and didn't leave until past 10pm. The park was open until midnight both nights, but we just couldn't make it that far.

Best discovery ever: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad in the dark. It's so awesome!!

Since we were with friends, I was able to finally ride Tower of Terror at CA Adventure. That scared the poop out of me, but I'm so doing it again when we go. LOL. Hell, I'll go by myself if I have to!!

Being at the park surrounded by so many other gay people was just so awesome. Watching the "straights" try to figure out why so many people were wearing red was awesome. LOL. Confusion, then recognition, then more confusion. The best part was when we came across a group of 100 bears (big, hairy gay men) at Small World. People were dumbfounded at all these giant men in red. Awesomeness!

I can't wait to go again. I think we'll definitely go back for another Gay Day. Next time, we're all making matching shirts!

I love hanging out with my boys Jimmy & Miguel and this weekend was an absolute blast with them. They are just so funny and so awesome.

I can't really put much else into words, so I'm just gonna link to my pics on Facebook. Enjoy!

Disneyland, here we come!

So, in approximately 24 hours, I will be arriving in Anaheim. Jenn and I will be spending the weekend at Disneyland. I am so excited!! It's Gay Day "Weekend" at the park, so we've packed our red shirts (and some pants), and will be meeting up with a bunch of friends. As of last weekend, DL is decorated for Halloween, so it's going to be extra fun. I've never been to DL for any holiday, so to go for my favorite holiday is really special. I seriously cannot wait. I'm sure my work shift is going to drag like hell. lol.

I'll be sure to post some pics when we get back. We're taking the laptop with us just in case we fill the camera's memory card. lol. Last year we took about 120 pics and it was just a normal weekend. I'm sure we'll take at least double that this weekend.


In other news, I'm pretty much all moved into my bedroom. I've even put stuff up on the walls! I did that today while I was packing for this weekend. I need to pick up a couple of poster frames, though. I have my NKOTB poster that needs a frame, plus I have these 2 Mexican paper cut out things that need frames. I'll take pics when they're up so you know what I'm talking about. LOL.

I also realized just how out of control my purse collection is. LOL. I filled a large storage tote with around 12 - 15 purses and 2 tote bags...plus I have 3 sling bags that don't fit...then there's 2 other purses that didn't fit...and then there's 5 more purses that I put on display on a shelving unit next to my bed. I'm sure my counts are short, too. LOL.

I also have a problem with sunglasses. Hanging on our mail sorter/key hook thing, Jenn and I have all of our sunglasses. There are 11 pairs of sunglasses. 9 black, 1 blue, 1 red. All but 2 black ones are mine. LOL.

Don't even get me started on my shoes!! Seriously, I think I have 20 pairs...and I threw out 6 or 7 pairs when I moved rooms.

One day I'll take pics of my collections. LOL. I keep saying that I don't have anything to show for my money, but then I see these collections and go "oh yeah".

The Blame Game

I'm used to being the bad guy. Sometimes it really is my fault, sometimes I just don't argue and take the fall. Either way, I generally just accept the blame for whatever fight or argument or whatever happened so that there's no fighting. I hate fighting. But someone always needs to play the blame game.

Jenn and I know the truth - there's no one to blame. Things just didn't work the way we wanted them to, so we're taking measures to create our own happiness and truly discover who we are as individuals. There's nothing bad there, right? No. We're still friends. We're still living in the same home. We're still incredibly supportive of each other.

But I get the feeling that people may be angry with me. But that's just fine. Well, no, I wish they weren't mad at me. I don't like people mad at me, but I don't like to fight or argue, so I'm just leaving it be. Things will blow over and be fine like they always are. And if they're not, I suppose I know where loyalties lay and I know who my friends truly are.

All I know is that I'm too old for this bullshit. I'm moving on. I hope everyone else does, too.

I'm so weird...but we already knew that.

I anticipate getting sick. Not vomiting sick. Not fever sick. I just want a cold. LOL.

Well, I think I want one until I actually have one, then I'm miserable. LOL. I just anticipate getting one and am actually disappointed when I don't get a cold.

I'm so weird.

On the work front...

So I've been having a real good time at Bath & Body Works. It's an incredibly fun place to work. I love everyone that I work with (save 3 exceptions). I love our products. I love that the company is very Woman-centric. I love that we sponsor a family or a women's shelter during the holidays. I love that we make people happy.

What I don't love is having to work for someone that I believe has a drug problem. We have a new co-manager who has a lot of personal problems and tells us about them. First, I think that's highly inappropriate for her to talk about to any of us. Secondly, she shouldn't be bringing her issues into work, manager or not. On Saturday morning I worked with her and quickly realized she was high as a kite. 3 weeks ago, I opened with her and she was in the back office crying and telling me about her personal issues and how she passed out the night before after taking too many Tylenol on an empty stomach. Later that day, she gave 2 different versions of her story to other coworkers. Saturday morning, I'm pretty sure she was either on Oxy, heroin, methadone or crack. They all have similar looking highs - slowed speech, slow blinking, slurring, balance issues. They're narcotic highs. I saw them all when I worked in San Francisco. The closing manager, who came in close to the end of my shift, saw it, too.

In short, our store manager is aware, has already called HR, and has put everyone on alert to watch for the signs of drug use while on the clock. None of us like the co-manager. She's too ghetto to be a manager. She doesn't speak proper English. She's not a self-starter (she waits to be told what to do or ask someone who's doing work if she can help). She's insincere with her praise and compliments. I think we're all just waiting for her to fail.

It's hard, but we just have to be patient. I have no doubt that she's going to screw up and get herself fired.

In GOOD work news, my store manager told me today that she's working on a plan to get me more advanced in the company. Yay! This will help get me more hours and have some real sense of responsibility. This excites me! Maybe if the co-manager gets fired, I can sneak up and take that place. The 2 sales leads we currently have can't take that position, so maybe I can jump up there and take it. I've actually had a couple of coworkers ask why I'm not a manager or sales lead. LOL. I've had a couple of new people assume I was a manager of some kind. LOL. I guess I still carry myself that way, but I know these people have always seen me work my butt off and kind of take charge. It's just in my attitude when I'm at work. I'm far from lazy or passive when I'm at work.

Also, since I am still just part time at work, I am looking for something else that is part time - just to help out at least through Christmas. Full time work just isn't panning out, so I'll take what I can get. Last night, at 12:30am, I responded to a Craigslist ad for an assistant at a daycare. I think I'm crazy. LOL. Why would I do that?? I don't like other peoples kids!! Oh well, whatever. I get to play with babies. We'll see if that comes through. It's just a daycare, not a preschool, so I don't need ECE credits, thankfully. I can't try taking that class again. LOL.

So that's the news on the work front. When/If things change, you'll be the first to know. ;o)

Flash Mob

Best Flash Mob EVER!!! This includes the Sound of Music one I posted a few months ago.

Taking Control

I'm sure I've mentioned this many times before, but I'm seriously tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my life. I go through the motions of every day, but I rarely feel as though I've lived my day. I just exist. I'm tired of just existing. I really want to start living.

Over on Facebook, I've rediscovered old high school friends and see that all these people that I entered adulthood with have lived so much better lives than I have. No, I'm not trying to compete, I'm absolutely jealous. These people seem to have just done what they wanted and have lived happy lives. I know that everyone has times that are not as great as others, but my rough spot has lasted for years and years.

Now that I'm 30 years old, I can't allow this to continue. I'm not getting any younger here.

Yes, this goes back to that procrastination issue I posted about a week and a half ago. Yes, procrastination got the better of me and I still have yet to get on that damn elliptical. But, in my defense, all last week, temps were near or over 100 degrees and my garage isn't air conditioned. Also, I got pretty beat up at work and ran myself until I was sick. Not so good.

So now begins another week and I'm going to get started on getting myself a little healthier.

I'm also going to try a little harder to find a full time job. I need to do this for me. I thought I'd like staying home and not working or only working part time, but I hate having to ask for money or asking to spend money. I'm a grown adult, I shouldn't have to do this. I want to be free to spend my money how I want to spend it.

Speaking of spending money, I've come across quite a few plus-size fashion blogs (Young, Fat & Fabulous, Fatshionable, Big Gurl Fashion, and Five Favorite Things). These are blogs of average plus sized women who have found great ways and great places to dress their bodies. I want to be more fashionable. It's not that I have bad taste in clothing, I just want to have more of an edge and wear more than just ribbed tank tops and jeans. I also want to learn to wear heels again. LOL. It's been so long since I wore heels on a regular basis, but I really like heeled shoes. It'll help with my coordination, too. LOL.

But I'm getting side tracked (as usual). I want to take control of my life. I want to be selfish. I don't want other people calling the shots. I don't want to be told what my plans are. I want to make my own plans. I want to do my own thing. Being a people pleaser has gotten me in this situation and it hasn't made me happy.

I'm taking control. I'm going to make myself happy.

Rockin The Beer Gut

Just saw this on CMT. Hooray for girls with a little extra love around their waist!!

Breeders

Ugh. Why do people even care that Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child? Why do people wish she would die or that her uterus falls out every time she gets pregnant? Why is it your business?

The Duggars aren't using government resources to raise their children. They make their own money (apart from their TV show) and aren't in debt. Everything they have they own outright. The Duggars are raising their children to be upstanding citizens. In all the shows I've ever seen, I've only seen the children under 3 years old throw tantrums and that's because they're too young to reason with. They're not raising Bebe's kids. And, they're not even using your tax dollars to educate their children - they homeschool!

Yes, having that children might seem excessive, but obviously Jim Bob and Michelle are still in love after 20+ years of marriage and enjoy doing it all the time. The result of this is babies. Good for them!! Not many of us are as lucky!


I made a similar post last year when they announced their pregnancy for baby #18 and I'll make this post every time she gets pregnant.

Let's all direct our anger towards Welfare moms who continue having babies and are bleeding the system dry! Let's direct our anger towards parents who don't parent their children - letting them run wild in the streets and disrespect everyone they come in contact with. Let's direct our anger towards those who deserve it!

Procrastination

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? That's always been my motto. I consider myself to be one of the greatest procrastinators of all time. I've always been this way. If I'm told I have a deadline for something, I wait until the 11th hour, if I even do it at all. School homework was often late. Work projects are completed minutes before they need to be turned in. Most of the time my procrastination was never an issue, just maybe a small kick in the pants when I got something done late and got into trouble for it.

However, I've come to realize that my procrastination has really caught up with me and I'm not happy.

I'm an SA advocate and novice activist. SA is Size Acceptance. It's taken me a long time to learn to love my body and accept that I'll never be a size 2, or even a size 10. It really does take a lot of work to get to this place - to see myself as being beautiful when society tells me I'm disgusting.

While I do have a strong belief that genetics and hormones have aided me in becoming the size I am, I know that what I put into my body doesn't help and neither does my lack of exercise. That being said, I do need to state that my cholesterol is just fine, as is the rest of my bloodwork. Yes, I do have slightly elevated blood pressure, but that is due to the fact that I am a smoker. So, while I may be out of shape, I am not unhealthy.

What has gotten me upset is that I weighed myself recently and discovered that I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought. I am now greatly aware that my belly sticks out farther than my breasts. 20 pounds ago, that wasn't the case.

Now, where does the procrastination come in, you ask. I have an elliptical machine in my garage. It's collecting dust. I haven't used it once since we moved last November and have used it less than a dozen times since I bought it from a friend 2 years ago. I always say "Oh, I'll start using it tomorrow." or "I'll start my exercise program on Monday." Tomorrow and Monday always comes and goes and I have yet to set foot in my garage to use it and now it's caught up with me.

I hate exercising. It's really the bane of my existence. But I know that exercising makes me feel better (once the burn wears off), I have more energy, and my mood is greatly improved. But I have no energy to get down there in the first place. At least, I think, I've found motivation - to make my belly smaller than my boobs again.

I'll never be skinny, nor will I ever be thin. I'll always be "thick" or fat. It's a fact of life, and that's just fine with me. I just don't feel good where I'm at right now. My first goal is just to get back under 250. Idealy, I would like to weigh under 220, but we'll see how getting under 250 goes. Although, to be honest, I don't really care what I weigh. I don't give a crap about that number. It's the fact that I look down and see belly first, not my toes.

The number that I actually do care about is my pant size. I currently wear a size 22 (which, oddly enough, is what I wore 20 pounds ago. LOL. That's how I didn't even notice I gained weight!!) in pants. My top size did go up, though. I'm now in a 3x top. That bugs me. I would like to get down to a 1x top and a "teen" pant size; out of the 20's.

And this is where you come in! I need help. I need people to be on my ass about getting some of this weight off. I need help to get my ass downstairs, into the garage, and onto the elliptical. I do have some inspiration (Jen @ The Amazing Trips, Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew?, Gen @ The McNulty Quads, and Emily @ The Wright Five) for not just sitting around on my butt all day. These women are either on weight loss journeys or are training for marathons and walks for cancer research. Jen's What's In You Wednesdays always strike a chord in me, but I never do anything about it. It really eats at me just how lazy I am.

I don't want to do that anymore. A year ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV and I pledged to do the AIDS walk this year. I didn't do it. I've always wanted to do the Bay to Breakers. I never have. I want to do the Avon 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I never have. I know I don't have to be skinny to do these things, but if I get my energy up, I can do them. If I stop being a procrastinator I can do them.

So maybe now that I've put this out there for the world to see, I'll hold myself accountable and stop putting things off for tomorrow. I know it'll be hard work, but I can't have this mentality anymore. It's caused me to miss out on a lot of things/people/stuff and I don't want to continue on that path.

Perhaps I'll start "Motivation Mondays" and blog about my progress with my procrastination issue. Maybe if I just work at keeping things in the forefront of my mind (and my blog) I'll be more likely to stick with working on this and not just give up after only one or two tries. We'll see how this goes, but hopefully even this entry will be motivation enough.

Wish me luck!

Blah Blah Blah

I've been in a very unhappy mood lately. There's not really a single reason for it, there's a multitude of things that have added up to a lot of stress and bad feelings. The thing is, I have no idea how to remedy any of the things I'm going through right now.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've applied for a couple of full time Manager jobs for storage companies (that's what I did full time for the last 3 years). Money has been a small stress factor. It's not huge, but I would honestly like to go back to the standard of living that we had when Jenn and I both worked full time in SF. We also need the extra money to save up to buy a car. Right now I'm using my dad's truck on and off, but it'd be nice to have my own vehicle.

Also, it seems that if we do proceed with having a baby with Miguel, we may be on our own without financial help. His boyfriend happened to mention to me that Miguel is wanting to quit work and go back to school. If that happens, he's got no income to help us out - that's how we'd be able to afford having me stay home once kids come. But without that support it's not going to be possible.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that we're going to proceed with trying to have babies with Miguel. With this new information about him going back to school, and with him not even attempting to approach me about the baby making since I got back from Oregon on June 29th, I don't know that he's the right fit anymore. I just don't want to have to chase him down to see his child or to deal with whatever responsibility that needs taking care of.

I also feel like I've sacrificed so much by only working part time. I've become a real cheapskate. LOL. I try not to buy things if I don't have to. I mean, I go 8 weeks or more between dye jobs to help save money. lol. I don't drink the way I used to. I don't smoke nearly as much as I did. I only buy clothes for work and when I do, they're really on sale. But there are things in this house that no one wants to cut back on - like cable, or magazines, or beer, or books, or eating out or quit smoking completely (though we're trying to make the end of this month the quit date). In short, it'll just make my life happier if I can just have my own, larger income so I don't have to worry about this stuff.

In addition to that, one of the jobs I applied for has both Jenn and I worried that it's a posting for her position here. It's probably irrational to think that way because Jenn hasn't been given warnings or write ups for anything, but it's still kind of worrysome. I wish that I'd get a response back so we'd know for sure.

I'm just so tired of being rundown, stressed out, and depressed. I need medical insurance to get on some kind of antidepressant. I need to be happy. I'm so tired of being miserable. I've been miserable most of my life. I just can't live this way anymore.

I think finding a full time job would be the start, I just don't know where to go after that.

Ask and you shall receive

I came across a plus sized online store today that is not only trendy, but affordable.

Casual Plus

My next clothing spree will be going to this store!

Plus Sized Clothing

I have to say that as a plus-sized woman, it's disappointing to go shopping for clothes. I don't have a huge budget as we are operating on only 1.5 incomes, so I can't spend tons of money on clothes at any given time.

My favorite places to shop are Torrid and Old Navy. Old Navy is much more in my price range, but sometimes I want clothing that's edgier than the preppy stuff they have, and it'd be nice to shop in a real store, not just online (plus sizes are only sold online now), but Torrid is just way out of my price range. I shop at Torrid when they have their 50% off Clearance sales, but not really at any other time.

Target and Walmart have plus sizes, but most of those styles are for people my mother's age, not mine. It's hard to be a 20 or 30-something, plus sized, and broke.

It's also really hard for me to buy shoes. This doesn't have anything to do with being plus sized, but I am almost 6 feet tall and have size 10.5/11 feet. It's so hard to find cute shoes in my size. My choices are usually ugly sneakers, ugly flats, or stripper shoes. Yeah, I don't like either of them. I would like the same shoe someone a size 6 has, but in a size 11. It's not like clothing where some items just don't translate well into a large size. A shoe is a shoe, there shouldn't be a reason that shoes can't be made larger than a size 9!

So, all around, shopping is a pain in my ass. LOL. Yeah, yeah, I know "lose some weight and you won't have these problems!" But it's not really that - it's price. I don't understand why the fashionable stuff is so damn expensive! Cotton and spandex don't get more expensive when you make it cute instead of ugly. LOL. Thankfully I can find random shoes at Payless (though they're not so cheap anymore), and I've always got my Converse. =o)

I'm looking forward to Revolution 1228 coming out with an affordable (AND CUTE!) plus-sized line. This is clothing being designed by Mia Tyler and a partner right now. There has been one shirt launched already and I'm looking forward to more. I've seen samples and love what I see. I'm hoping that the items will be as affordable as I would like them, but we'll see how things go. I have faith!!

If all else fails, maybe I'll try making my own line. ;o)

I'm on a boat!

Yesterday, Jenn, Shauna, Cole, and I went up to Jenn's dad's place so he could take us out on the river in his boat. It's just a little 10 person boat, not really anything fancy. We zoomed up the river and stopped at the bridge between Rio Vista and Lodi on HWY 12 where we jumped into the water to play a bit, as well as have a little picnic lunch. Shauna and Cole brought sandwich making items while Jenn and I brought the condiments, chips, and fruit salad.

After hanging out there for about an hour, we headed back towards home because Jenn's step-mom needed to get back home so she could take her brother to the Sacramento airport. Once we dropped her off, we blew up an inner tube, attached it to the boat and Mark drug us around on it in front of the boat. Cole was a champ; Mark really had to work to get him off the tube. We all got a turn and had lots of fun. The funniest part of my ride (and I got 2 because I got thrown off really early the first time), was that when I bailed off the tube, I very nearly lost my shorts. LOL. They seriously ended up around my knees. It happened to all of us to some degree. LOL. Bailing off the tube was fun. I did a barrel roll the first time I was thrown off. Shauna needed a little convincing to go, but she had a good time.

And now, everything hurts!! LOL. I wore a much higher SPF than the last time we went, so I'm not sunburnt, but I'm sore from using all those muscles I didn't know I had while trying to stay upright on a boat, and trying to hang onto that damn tube. LOL.

As soon as Shauna uploads her photos, I'll snag them and put them up here.

Life & Death

So the last week has been really rough.

Carl's services were beautiful. There was a rosary on Thursday night and mass & gravesite service on Friday morning. My dad was a pall bearer. I can't go into details without getting weepy, but throughout the tears, there was also some laughter.

This last week has had me almost in a tailspin. I've known Carl my entire life. He was my dad's best friend. His girls were like my cousins. We went on trips together. His death has me fearing for my own dad's life. I have always been afraid of my dad dying. I don't know how I'll get through it when he does die, but after losing Carl, the possibility of my dad (or, really, anyone else close to me) dying has consumed my thoughts.

I don't think of these things consciously, they just take over when I don't have anything to focus on. My mind starts to wander and all of a sudden, I'm imagining the phone call I'll get or begin to eulogize my dad and start tearing up. Of course I immediately change my thoughts when I realize where my mind is going, but I hate that my mind's going there in the first place.

Ugh. Death is so hard.

The last funeral I went to was 15 years ago, for my cousin John. It was a short chapel service at the funeral home, then the graveside service at the military cemetery. Carl's service was a 2 day event and it just drained me. Because we were so close with the Rath family, we saw more than I think we really needed to see. I've never experienced such grief first hand, much less second hand, until now. I think experiencing that grief exaggerated my own and brought forth all this anxiety that had laid dormant.

Ok...I have to get off this subject for now...but, yeah...death sucks.

How Does It Feel To Be Gay?

This is a copy/paste from the Queers United blog. It's too good not to share.

An Exercise in Gay Acceptance for Heterosexuals

This video is an exercise that was given at a seminar in how it feels to be isolated and discriminated against as a gay person. This video is an exercise to let straight people imagine what it would feel like if the world was gay, and heterosexuals considered deviant outcasts. It is eye opening video into heterosexual privilege and highly recommended!

Family and death

My dad called about an hour and a half ago. I had an odd feeling when he called because it's a Monday and I couldn't think of any reason why he'd need to call. Well, he did have a reason and it wasn't a good one. His best friend Carl died of a heart attack yesterday. He died alone, in his car, a block from home. A stranger found him and called 911. By the time emergency crews got there, he was gone.

I'd always considered Carl my uncle. He'd been friends with my dad for much longer than I've been alive. We've done family vacations with Carl, his wife, and their 2 daughters (both not much younger than me). I was on a bowling team with my dad and Carl for about 4 or 5 years. I remember finding his obsession with The Beatles to be kinda funny.

I last saw Carl on Opening Day at AT&T Park with my dad, brother, and my dad's other friend John. It was good to see everyone that day, especially Carl. I hadn't seen him since I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago and stopped bowling with my dad.

Carl is the first close family member I've lost since my great-grandmother died when I was 12. I'd pretty much forgotten what loss like this feels like. It's hard to comprehend that I'll never see him again. He was so young - the same age as my dad, in his mid-50's. And such a funny guy.

His wife, Paula, is beside herself. My dad says she's really kind of lost. She lost her husband and best friend. Both of their kids aren't home anymore - the youngest is in college, but at least she's only in Sonoma, so she's not that far away, and the other is married and teaching in southern California. I can't think of Paula ever being without Carl. They're two peas in a pod. I cannot imagine the anguish she's feeling right now. But I will pray that God gives her strength. I know she's going to need it.

There's a rosary on Thursday night and the funeral is Friday. My dad's going to be a pallbearer. I'm going to find coverage for Friday's shift so I can be there. I can't even imagine not going.

In any case, be sure to hold your loved ones close and tell them you love them everyday. You never know if it's the last time you'll see them.

I finally went to church.

Over the past weekend, Jenn's family was having a reunion at her grandparents' house not too far from here. We missed most of Saturday's events because Jenn was at work, but we made it for dinner and swimming. It was fun to meet more of her family..there's a lot of them! LOL.

Sunday morning was church, then breakfast, then more swimming. Breakfast was awesome, swimming was fun (not as many kids in the pool!), but church was a real experience.

We went to the family church (St. Francis) for our service. Jenn's family has a lot of history there - her mother's father (which, btw, is not the family that was having the reunion, that was her dad's family) painted most of the paintings inside the church, including the giant cross that sits behind the altar. Her dad's family has been going there for 50+ years. All of her aunts, uncles, and cousins were baptized there, and quite a few have been married there.

I was very overwhelmed and almost overstimulated with emotions that I couldn't define. There was electricity running through my veins. I very nearly cried several times because I felt so full of...something...God's love, perhaps. But I definitely didn't feel out of place.

Jenn had been on board for the church trip for the last few weeks, but had changed her mind on Saturday, but agreed to go when I said I'd still like to attend mass. I was glad. It opened up a (short) dialogue about my wanting to continue attending church. She said she wouldn't mind going back to church either (and neither would our friend Cole), but none of us would like to go to a Catholic church. We were all raised in the Catholic church and don't agree with its teachings and doctrines. We all come from places where we feel, in one way or another, persecuted and abused by the Catholic Church.

I found a Presbyterian church in Pittsburg that I have been wanting to check out for months. I think now I'll finally be able to do it. I almost chickened out Sunday morning, but pulled it together and I'm so glad I went. I think now that I've broken the ice, I can continue going. But, especially since I've never been to this church before, I'll have to get Jenn up and drag her to mass again. LOL. I'll bribe her with McDonald's on the way. LOL.

In any case, I just wanted to share that I'm glad I went and I think this is going to help me in the long run. I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment by saying this, but I think this is going to give me some real direction for my life. I've been feeling lost for a long time, so perhaps this will help me get on the right path for my life.

I'll keep ya updated. ;o)

Raising Sextuplets

So there's this new multiples show on WE.tv called Rai.sing Sex.tuplets.

Have you seen it? I have. And I don't know that I can continue to watch it. The mom, Jenny, is completely passive and let the kids rule the roost. The dad, Bryan, seems to be self centered and very immature, yet sometimes seems to be the sound of reason in that house. Generally, though, these two seem like bumbling idiots that have no idea what they're doing.

Yes, I completely understand that parenting multiples is difficult. Yes, I understand that being a first-time parent is a series of trial and error. Yes, I understand that I have no children of my own so I really have no voice of authority here. However, I know that there are things that they do that I would NEVER do, and things that they do that I would do completely different because my way makes sense.

For example: When mom gets the babies up, she takes them all out of their cribs at the same time and lets them loose in the livingroom (where there are no gates separating them from the rest of the house as far as i can tell) and changes all their diapers on the floor with all the other kids running around and over the one getting his diaper changed. (I would take them out one at a time, change their diaper, set them in the feeding table, then get the next one, then get them all breakfast.)

Another example: When the mom has to get all the kids into their van to go somewhere, she takes all of them out front and puts one or two in the van, buckles them while there's at least one other kid running around the unfenced yard. Yes, I said unfenced. Sure, they live on a culdesac, but it's still no excuse. (Yeah, I'd take them out of the house one or two at a time and get them both in the van & strapped in, then go back for more...you can't leave a 16-month-old running around a yard that's not fenced in)

Another: When mom goes to work, dad takes care of the kids. As soon as she gets home, (or just a few hours later if she works a night shift {she's a nurse}) she takes over and he walks away. When she stays home all day to take care of the kids while he works, he comes home and doesn't want to change diapers because he works all day. Or one time he came home on his lunch break and she asked him to change a diaper and he refused because he doesn't normally come home at lunch, so why should he have to? (Yeah, I'd be telling my partner to GTFO if they're not going to help. I refuse to be a single parent in a 2 parent home.)

Another: They got a real Christmas tree and decorated it with unbreakable ornaments, however, they didn't gate off the tree in any way, and put it in a corner between 2 couches. The kids have complete access to the entire tree, could pull it down, get into the water, etc. (Yeah..NO! The tree needs to be out of reach of little hands.)

Another: They stayed in a hotel and the camera guy got a shot of one of the babies in the bathroom alone, in the tub, trying to turn on the faucet. The parents were in the main part of the room with a couple of the other kids trying to get them dressed or something. (Umm...try closing the door or corralling them all into pack-n-plays so they don't get into things when you're not paying full attention - especially in an unfamiliar environment!)

There's really so much more as to why it's so difficult for me, you really have to watch it to see what I'm talking about.

I really hate to down talk anyone's parenting, especially because I'm not a parent, but I'm honestly flabbergasted at some of the things that happen in this household.

Ugh..someone please tell me I'm not just being a bitch and that this lady and her husband really are kinda dumb and shouldn't really have those kids. Or, at the very least, should take parenting classes or something?

Oh..and someone needs to give the mom some free dental. Her underbite is so gross!!! That's like the worst kind of oral imperfection for me. LOL. I can't stand underbites. LOL


P.S. If you are offended by what I have said, please read the disclaimer at the bottom of the blog page. Thanks.

Birthday Pics

I've finally got my birthday pics up on Flickr to share with everyone. I only got the pics a few days ago, but at least I have them. LOL.




Click the pic for the whole set.

Nostalgia

So NKOTB was in town again last night. This time at the Sleep Train Pavillion in Concord. The show was awesome! I swear, they put on the best shows of anyone I've seen so far. I am going to love those boys until the day I die. I'm also going to crush on them (most of them) until the day I die. LOL. They're hot!! ;o)

There was a group of about 10 of us on the lawn and even more people I knew that had seats down below us. It was such a different experience being with a group of people than just the 2 of us - their energies fueled my own and made it that much more exciting. LOL.

Surprisingly, I didn't have too much difficulty talking today, but my throat is scratchy from all the screaming I did last night. LOL. I am really tired, though. I'm getting old! LOL.

I wish I had enough money to travel to see all their shows in CA. That would be awesome!

Maybe I should play the lottery. LOL

Hot Days of Summer

So it's been officially summer for a while now and we're really getting into the warm weather. I love the heat. Aside from Christmas-time, when I love the glitz of the lights and trees, Summer is my favorite time of year. My favorite clothing items are tanktops and shorts/capris so loving summertime really fits. LOL.

During the few warm days we had in late spring, we spent some time in the pool over at Shauna and Cole's place, but now that the weather is in the 85 - 105 range, the swimming will be much more enjoyable (the pools aren't heated. booo!!). Unfortunately, S&C are out of town this weekend and Shauna will be out of town next weekend as well (this week for camping, and next week she's going to her sister's in Portland for the Tori Amos concert). I haven't seen S&C since the night I left for Oregon on the 7th of last month - since moving back to the east bay in November, that's the longest I've gone without hanging out with them. LOL. We always have tons of fun hanging out at their place and in/by the pool, so I can't wait for that to start up again. They're house is our home-away-from-home on the weekends.

This weekend, to celebrate the 4th, we'll be at my parents' house tomorrow afternoon/evening for BBQ and possibly fireworks...not sure if we'll be able to see them from their house or not. It'll be a nice day for my dad to forget that he doesn't have a job. He does have an interview on Monday with a car dealership in Vallejo, though, so that's a good thing! (Especially since I pointed him towards the Craigslist posting!! LOL)

Then on Sunday, we'll be headed up to Walnut Grove to spend the day with Jenn's dad and step-mom on their boat in the delta. That should be a fun time. Unfortunately I have to work that night, but we'll be able to have a few hours in the sun and water.

In any case, I just had to share a little love for this time of year. I've already got a good tan going so far and it's only going to get better! I just might have to start going to tanning places during the winter to keep it up. LOL.

Yay Vacation!

Today has been the first real day of internet usage since we got home from Oregon on Sunday evening. We arrived to a broken A/C unit, so sitting in front of the computer hasn't been a top priority because of the heat. Sunday's temps were at about 105*, yesterday was around 95*, and today is only about 80*, so it's much more tolerable to be here, catching up on all I've missed over the last 12 days. The A/C isn't fixed yet, but hopefully should be today, but thanks to ceiling fans and living in a wind tunnel, things haven't been too horrible.

Anyway...my vacation was fantastic!! Of course, the first 2 weeks of my vacation was spent with Riki in Medford, OR, helping out and keeping her company (and from losing her mind) while adjusting to motherhood. I *heart* babies and it was really difficult to leave, but the coast and the beach were calling, so off Jenn and I went last Sunday.

I swear, I had more seafood last week than I've had in the last year. We had salmon, crab, and muscles that had all been caught (or picked) by the family. I've never had such fresh seafood. Scallops, oysters, and clams were also had, but purchased from the store. lol. There was also shrimp, but I didn't eat any of that - I didn't want to risk swelling like a balloon.

Jenn's family is really fun and hilarious. I'm so glad I got to go. It was kinda weird being in the middle of the pack in the generations. Jenn's aunts and uncles ranged from 10 - 20 years older than us, and her cousins mainly ranged 10 - 20 years younger. LOL. There was one cousin and her husband and sister who were only 6 - 8 years younger, but still. LOL. We all still had a good time, though.

Most of our nights consisted of hanging out at the Beach House (between all the family, we were in 4 houses for 28 people) playing spoons, drinking, and talking. Did you know it's actually possible to get stabbed with a spoon? Yeah. I have evidence!! Jenn's cousin's husband was a little over zealous and got me pretty good on the hand. LOL.

We also had 2 really good days of sun and those were spent on the beach. I got a really good tan and am almost rid of my nasty tan lines on my shoulders (I have a tube-top style bathing suit) and even got some color on my legs! That never happens!! Getting to and from the beach was a real bitch, though. From the Beach House to the actual beach was a cliff with 45 steep steps down. I named them the stairs of death. LOL.

It was really nice to be away from the internets - although that really backfired when people started dying and I needed information - but now there's tons to catch up on. lol. I'm going to continue doing that.

I'll have pictures up as soon as I can.

Going offline

My time at Riki's has come to an end and so has my internet connection. LOL. For the next week, Jenn and I will be on the coast of Oregon at her family reunion where there will be no internets (at least not that I know of. LOL) for me to check in on everyone with. I'll still be Twittering when I can, so check in over there if you're following me.

Have a great week! I'll see you guys when I get back!

My uterus hates me

So I've been here, in Medford, OR, for a week now and I think my uterus hates me. I swear it's weeping every time I hold my niece for any extended period of time. LOL. She is the most beautiful baby ever...well, until I have my own kids, that is. LOL.

Just kidding Riki! Love you!! hehehe

Seriously, though, my niece is gorgeous. She's the freakin spitting image of her mother.

And my uterus and ovaries are yelling at me in some language unknown to me, but I know they're pissed off. LOL. I'm hoping this means they'll get their asses in gear and cooperate when I get back to CA and start insems again. The quicker they get their act together, the less clinical we have to be about this situation. LOL.

Anyway...it's 1am and I should get to bed. Little Miss Fussy Pants will have us up before we know it. Hopefully I can sleep until 9am. ;o)

Stress!!

My dad called today. He got laid off from his job. He worked at a Chrysler dealer, in their service & parts department. They all thought they were safe since they were part of a corporation with Sonic (not the restaurant chain) who owns other dealers as well as Infineon Raceway (formerly Sears Point).

My parents bought a house last year and have a large mortgage. Thankfully my brother, who still lives with them, works full time and has good income so he can help out. As soon as I'm home from Oregon, I'm seriously looking for something full time so I can funnel my money towards my parents if need be. I mean, with the job market the way it is, who knows how long it might be until my dad finds a job. Who knows how long it'll be until I find a job?

This really sucks. I smoked twice today because of it (I've been trying to quit cold turkey since being in Oregon, but have had 3 cigs in 3 days...not bad, really). It's stressful worrying about them. I'm sure they'll be fine, but still, I worry. I've seen so many other people lose their homes because of this damn economy, I don't want that for my parents.

If you're the praying type, please throw them in your prayer list. I'd really appreciate it.

I made it!

After 15 hours of travel (Amtrak train & bus) I finally made it to Medford at 12:45 today. I'm exhausted. I've been up for 26+ hours at this point, but sufficiently caffeinated that I won't fall asleep mid conversation. I'll probably hit a wall at 7pm and crash out for the night, but I'm good to go until then. LOL.

The train ride was fun. I wish I could have done it during the day so I could have seen the sights (and not missed out on as much sleep!), but I got a lot of reading and crocheting done. ;o)

Now I'm at Riki's. I've seen the baby - she's more beautiful than her pictures show - and I'm totally jealous!! LOL My time will come, but I want it to be soon!! LOL

Already I'm so relaxed here - it's the clean air. LOL. I can't wait to visit the goats. LOL. I just may never want to go home.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna go take a shower and wash the travel stink off me. LOL. That'll be a good start to the rest of the afternoon/evening.

STOP! Hammertime!

Weird Weather.

So I, along with many people around the state, experienced warm, but thundery weather last night. While I was at work, I took out the trash and was greeted with 70-degree temps and a sprinkling of rain at 7pm. LOL After the sun went down, Jenn and I saw flashes of lightening out over the delta and in Oakley. Around 1:30am, there were some thunder crashes directly overhead, but those passed very quickly. At that point, I decided to get off the computer and head to bed, but as I was shutting off the lights and putting my water cup in the sink, lightening caught my eye, so I grabbed a smoke and went outside to watch it a bit. LOL. There were only 5 - 15 seconds between each flashes, sometimes as little as only 1 second. It was so awesome to watch!! I caught a little video on my phone, but I can't get it off my phone and onto the internets. LOL I want to share it cuz it was cool! I kinda hope there's more lightening tonight, but I don't think there will be. LOL. Oh well.

The Weekend Review

My birthday weekend went pretty well, I have to say. ;o)

Friday night, after Jenn got off work, we headed up the street to the Contra Costa County fair. I forgot my phone at home, so I wasn't able to Twitter about all the awesome trashiness we witnessed. LOL. First, not 2 minutes after we walked in, we saw Jenn's ex who now looks super scary (too much sun, gained weight, had a front tooth rot out of her head, probably is doing drugs now). She came up to us and said hi and acted as though there hasn't been a year since we've spoken. Weird. There was also the hugest police presence I've ever seen anywhere in my life. Seriously - you couldn't walk more than 40 or 50 feet without seeing a group of 3 or more Antioch cops or county Sheriffs. It was weird. For dinner, we had foot-long corndogs. They were so freakin obscene, but damn tasty. There were only 2 beer booths, too! Ghetto! OH!!! And they had a shark display - a 10x30 foot tank with 3 sharks in it. It was really quite sad, to be honest. There was also a live Giant Snake booth and a live Monkey booth, both of which you had to pay $1 to get in and see what they were hiding. I chose not to encourage either of those things. There was the usual fair stuff, though - the Midway games, ferris wheels, and other rides, the livestock, the craft rooms (where we saw some AMAZING quilts!! I'm gonna have to start one now and get myself entered for next year!! lol), and the live band. The band was a general rock cover band who had a second singer that was a Tom Petty impersonator. Ooh! And we got a funnel cake! I definitely got my $8 admission's worth of entertainment at the fair.

Saturday was my actual birthday. I tried to sleep in, but was up at 9am anyway. LOL. I laid around and fell back asleep until a little past 11am. I just hung out on the computer and waited for Jenn to get off work at 4. I did wake up with a migraine, so I worried that I was going to implode. Once that passed (it was completely gone around 3pm), I got up and started getting ready to go out. When Jenn was off work, she changed and we headed out to The Outback Steakhouse for dinner. I got my usual Ribeye (medium rare!!) with the mushroom & lobster sauce. I ate my fill, then took the other half home to have for lunch (which I did today. LOL). Once we got home, we laid around for a bit, letting ourselves digest and preparing to head out of the house. LOL. Once it was late enough, we headed out to Pleasant Hill BART to pick up who was coming in for the weekend, then got to Shauna & Cole's house to grab everyone and head to Masse's (a pool hall/bar). Of course there was much drinking, a bit of food, and some pool playing. We had a good time. Everyone laughed and carried on. Cole invited his now former boss to come hang out with us as Travis had just been let go from his job and could use an excuse to hang out and party. We shut the bar down. LOL. Travis drove us all home (in 2 shifts), where we hung out and were up until about 4am. Surprisingly, I didn't wake up with a hangover, but I did remember that at some point during the night (at the bar, not at home), I humped Angel's leg. LOL. Oops. ;o)

So Sunday was pretty lazy. Jenn was kind of ambitious and ran out for donuts before everyone else was up. At around 2, we finally got our acts together and the 5 of us (me, jenn, shauna, cole, and angel) headed out for club sandwiches and a beer at the bar around the corner (which were disappointing!), then went to get frozen yogurt. Yumm!! After that, it was pretty much time to get Angel back to Amtrak so he could get back home, and so I could get home to change so I could get to work. Work ran late last night as we had to change the ENTIRE store, plus a couple people had to leave early and there were a couple no-shows. I didn't get out of there until about 1:45am. But it was a fun atmosphere, so it didn't really seem like we were there that long.

I had a really great birthday weekend. It definitely wasn't what I had planned out a month or more ago, but I'm happy with the way things turned out. Sometimes smaller is better!

Thank you to everyone who sent me birthday wishes!! So far my 30's are awesome. Hopefully they will continue to be that way. LOL.

Video of the Week

Literal version of Total Eclipse of the Heart. It's freakin hilarious!!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Did you know that the military is still discharging soldiers for being openly gay?

One of these soldiers is California's own Lt. Dan Choi, who is also an Arabic linguist. In March, Lt. Choi went on Rachel Maddow's show and spoke honestly about his sexual orientation. As a result, the Army sent him a letter of discharge on April 23. Lt. Choi is now fighting the discharge and fighting the discriminatory "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

I just signed a Courage Campaign petition to President Obama -- signed by more than 100,000 people -- urging him to do the right thing by stopping the discharge of Lt. Dan Choi and other LGBT soldiers, and asking President Obama to uphold his promise to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." The Courage Campaign will deliver this petition to the president -- that's why it is important that as many people as possible speak out right now.

Will you join me in signing and urge your friends to do the same?:

http://www.couragecampaign.org/DontFireDan

Thanks!

Cycle 10

So I made the executive decision to skip May's cycle so I could have a break from the stress. Unfortunately because of my scheduled trip to see my friend Riki in Oregon (who gave birth to my niece last night!!!), I'm missing the June cycle by about 2 days. Ultimately I think this break is a good thing, but I feel so down in the dumps about it.

My friend Ashley gave birth to her 3rd baby (but first daughter) 5 months ago. Riki had her daughter last night. A triplet mommy who's blog I read is going to give birth to her surprise baby #4 this Friday, I believe. And another triplet mommy who also has an older child just found out she's preggo with her surprise baby #5. While I'm so incredibly happy for all of these women, I can't help but be incredibly jealous at the same time.

When I come back from Oregon and we try in July, that'll be our first anniversary of trying to conceive. I really hope that I do get pregnant by the end of the year. Past that, I know that I'll have to start seeing doctors and such to make sure nothing's wrong, but I'm incredibly frightened that something is wrong. Then again, I really think that I may have had a miscarriage last month - there was tissue I discharged that just didn't look normal. So that may be a positive sign. Who knows.

All I know is that patience is not a virtue I have.


Edited to add: I just remembered...2 old high school friends that I've reconnected with through Facebook are currently pregnant. Ugh! Again, happy for them, but why can't it be me?!?! :::shakes fist in the air:::

2 Steps back

The CA State Supreme Court ruled today to uphold the ban on Gay Marriage as approved by 52% of voters last November.

They said that a simple majority has the right to decide the civil rights of other human beings.

Frankly, what the Supreme Court did was cowardly. A year ago they gave us the right to marry and now they're afraid of pissing off 52% of the state. It's complete bullshit.

This is a huge disappointment. I cannot believe the idiocy of this decision.

For once, I'm actually out of words. I cannot express my anger, disappointment and hurt.

Jon & Kate Plus 8

I know not everyone likes Jon & Kate Plus 8, but seeing them in the tabloids now, their marriage in trouble...it's kind of sad.

A small update

So I guess I haven't done a real update in a little while, so here we go...

I've gotten a few more hours at work, but not much. This week I was only scheduled for 5 hours - and that was this morning. I really do love my job, I just wish there were more hours. LOL. But that's the economy for you. For as much of a loner as I am, I really do like this "salesperson" job. It's not hardcore sales, but more customer service based. (I work for Bath & Body Works if I didn't already mention that somewhere along the way. LOL) Hopefully I'll have more hours next week as we're gearing up for our Semi-Annual sale in June.

In 10 days, I'm turning 30. I'm nervous. I don't want to say I'm 30. I don't like that number at all. I really wish I was going to be able to ring in my birthday in a big way, but we just don't have the money. It's my own fault, though. I should have looked for a job as soon as I moved. In any case, I will be getting together with my friends the night of my birthday to have drinks and play some pool.

On June 7th I'll be heading out of town to stay with my friend Riki in Medford, OR for 2 weeks. She's going to be having a baby very shortly (she already lost her mucus plug, so it could be any day now, but her official due date is this coming Tuesday) and I'll be headed up there to spend time with her and help her around the house and farm (she lives on her mom and step-dad's mini farm - there's goats and chickens).

Then, on the 21st of June, Jenn will be meeting me in Medford and we'll take off to Coos Bay, OR (out on the coast) to spend a week with her family. It's their annual family reunion week. Several houses will be rented, there'll be family meals, (maybe) some salmon fishing (for Jenn's grandpa and uncles, I will not be participating in that, but I will be eating their catch!), crabs to eat, wine to drink with the aunts, and lounging on the beach getting tans. I can't wait!

Other than that, there's not much going on. I spend my days at home, on the internets, watching my talk shows (Oprah, Martha, Ellen), and Cash Cab. LOL. Maybe one day I'll have more interesting information to pass on, but for now, that's all I've got. ;o)

Marriage Equality Speech

as brought to you by a 3rd grader:





This kid is awesome and has amazing parents.

Smoking Pollutants

I understand that there are people in the world who are adamantly against smoking. That's your right. Smoking is a disgusting habit and there are studies that have been shown to cause cancer. I'm not debating that at all.

What I am debating is these anti-smokers who seem to think that we smokers are the only people polluting the air they breathe as they're walking down the street. Unless this smoker is blowing smoke directly into your face, don't give him nasty looks because you're also getting pollutants from the cars, trucks, and buses that are driving next to you. The pollutants are also coming from people burning logs in their fireplace or backyard. There are pollutants being put in the air by businesses and manufacturing plants.

Please understand that I fully acknowledge my own part, as a smoker, in polluting the air and, by proxy, your lungs. But please also understand that smokers aren't entirely responsible for your dirty lungs.

Please think about this before you give me a nasty look for hiding in a corner, away from other people, and doing my best not to inflict my bad habit on other unsuspecting people while smoking.

Videos of the Week/Day/Hour/Whatever

People are strange from Denis Fongue on Vimeo.

Flying from Sam Fuller on Vimeo.

Buying a dead lady's stuff.

So last weekend, we spent Saturday night at our friends' house so we could go to the flea market and garage sale-ing Sunday morning. We stayed up kinda late on Saturday night as we tend to do (it's our game night when we're over), so we got kind of a late start on Sunday. After breakfast, we headed out of the house a little after 11am.

The flea market was a bust. It wasn't even open! There was no one at the drive-in where it's held. That sucked. Oh well. Instead, we looked at our list of garage sales and headed out to Martinez. As we drove around, we saw signs for other garage sales, but didn't get out of the car until we found an estate sale. We were weary of going inside someone's house to buy their stuff, but other people arrived at the same time, so we gave it a go.

I have to say that it is sooooo creepy walking around a dead lady's house looking for stuff to buy. That being said, Shauna and I did find a few things to get. She got a couple of 50's or 60's style tables that she's going to use as bedside tables for $5 each. They were so cute! I'm pissed I didn't find them first. LOL. I snatched up 3 little bowls that are good for prep use for $.40. LOL. I almost got these orange cast iron skillet and pot because they were too cute, but I changed my mind at the last minute (I was on a VERY strict budget). I decided to hold out for something better.

2 blocks away, we found another garage sale where Jenn and I hit the jackpot on a bistro set for our patio. The table is a mosaic style and the base and chairs are wrought iron. $35 for the set. NICE! They're in excellent condition. We have been looking for some kind of patio set for a long time but never found anything less than $150 for a set, so this was an awesome deal. It looks great out on our patio, too.

We visited a few other garage sales (well, drove by like 5 or 6 others) plus a rummage sale at a church in Walnut Creek (where they had a baby scale for sale!! lol), and a vintage/rummage sale type business in Pittsburg (where I found another of those orange skillets, but they had it for $35..it was $5 at the dead lady's house) but didn't find anything else. By this time it was barely 3pm!!

After that, it was all downhill from there. The weather was extremely muggy and I was somewhat uncomfortable, but once we got back to Shauna & Cole's house to drop off our finds and head back out to get them a freezer, I became way over heated and slightly dizzy. I toughed it out through Sears and our first Home Depot visit, but for the second Home Depot visit, I had to stay in the car. Thankfully, that was our last stop, so after dropping Shauna & Cole & their freezer off at their place, Jenn and I headed home.

I felt pretty crappy the rest of the night, so I just laid out on the couch, ate a bunch of goldfish crackers, then slept off the yuckiness from the day. Whatever it was didn't stick with me cuz I've been fine since.

So, to sum up...it's weird to buy some dead lady's stuff right out of her house.

A new video...F*ck You!

I got this from the Queers United Blog.

"F*ck You" to Haters of Our LGBT Brothers and Sisters"

A new funny video "f#ck you" by Lily Allen has been altered to more accurately reflect what many in the queer community feel towards our opposition. Sometimes, we just need to laugh and express our frustration through art, so here ya go!

Awesomeness

I'm gonna have to go a video of the day instead of Video of the Week. LOL.

Miss California controversy & LGBT rights

Ok...so over at Oh No! You Did Not Just Say That, they asked our feelings on the Miss California Controversy. I just wanted to post my response here as well.

The original blog post is here along with their responses.


Recently Miss California was asked during the Miss USA pageant how she felt about Gay Marriage. Her answer was that she was not in support of Gay Marriage, she believes in traditional marriage.

Discuss.


Stacey said...

OK...this will be much easier not being limited to 140 characters. LOL. It's gonna be long, so get comfy. LOL

While I believe that everyone has the right to their own opinion and belief system, I also believe that people should be educated on both sides of what they believe.

I think that people who use the Bible as the be-all and end-all of their belief system are ignorant in the ways of the world. They hide behind this book (that was written by males, monks, 200 years after Christ's death) so they don't have to educate themselves on anything. This creates bigotry and bias regarding evolution, the gay community, racism, and even religious bigotry.

That being said, these people, and churches, have NO right in deciding what's law. There is supposed to be separation of church and state for a reason. This country was founded by people fleeing from religious persecution, so the separation of church and state was implemented, but the LGBT community and its supporters are being persecuted right now by people throwing bible quotes at us. I agree that they have a right to keep me out of their church and their personal lives, but they have no right invading my court houses and dictating to me from that arena.

Now. As far as the Perez Hilton/Miss California issue - Perez Hilton asked a loaded question that doesn't belong in a beauty contest. Honestly, no one cares what these bimbos think or say, they're just there to look pretty, but to ask such a loaded, volatile question was unfair. She voiced her opinion, however narrow minded and bigoted it may be, and she had every right to answer the way she did. Perez was looking for controversy and he got it.

As far as someone saying that while they support equality, this isn't their fight to fight, I have to say you're wrong! The fight for equal rights, whatever they may be, is everyone's fight. What if your child grows up to be gay? How are you going to tell them that you didn't stand up for something that could have benefited them? What if your sister or brother came out of the closet suddenly, is it still not your fight?

For the LGBT community to gain total and complete equal rights, 11 year olds will stop hanging themselves because they were bullied in school. LGBT rights and acceptance will be a part of everyday life and we will be accepted as part of every community.

People need to be educated. We are not pedophiles. We're not deviants. We're not sociopaths. We don't have a mental illness that caused our gayness. We didn't choose this. Did you choose to be straight?

Love is love. Bottom line. God made us all the way He thought we should be - gay, straight, black, white, short, tall, fat, skinny.

While not every person in the world, or even this country, will accept and love someone for being gay, there will be a tolerance. Look at how far the Black community has come in their fight for equality. Yes, there are still racists out there, but for the majority, Blacks (sorry, I'm not very PC, but unless we call white people European-Americans, I'm not calling them African-Americans) are accepted and loved as equals.

For now, it is what it is, and the fight will continue. But it's up to all of us to make it happen.
May 5, 2009 3:09 PM

25 More Random Things About Me...Part Deux

25 random things about me

25 more random things about me


I was supposed to have a list of 100, total, all in one post, but that never happened. In the first two posts, I listed a total of 65 random things....maybe I can finally get to 100. LOL.


1. I mentioned that I often stay up until 2 or 3am...this is because I just can't get to sleep. If I go to bed earlier than 2, I usually just lay there and my mind wanders.
2. I have a very active imagination and I let it run away with me sometimes. I take trips, have babies, imagine where my life would be had I taken a different fork in the road.
3. I love being barefoot. Yes, I own around 50 pairs of shoes, but as soon as I enter my house, I am barefoot until I have to leave.
4. I don't even like socks unless my feet are cold.
5. I have smoked on and off since I was 14.
6. I am worried for my reproductive health, but hate doctors so much I don't want to go.
7. My mother had benign cysts in her breasts, on her ovary, and polyps in her colon. Oddly, I'm less worried about those things happening to me than not having babies.
8. I am secretly pissed off at my dad for being a horrible father to his first child. My older half-sister that I didn't know I had until I was 11.
9. I have a need to find her, but don't know how to find someone that doesn't want to be found.
10. I've had dreams that have me believe that I may have been molested when I was a kid.
11. This may correlate the fact that I don't remember much prior to the age of 10.
12. I always sleep on my stomach. I can't sleep if I'm on my back or side. This will suck when I get pregnant. LOL.
13. Even though I look completely white, I identify with being Mexican because I don't know my dad's family (he's white, mom's Mexican).
14. I am a terrible nail painter. LOL. I usually only leave my polish on for a week at most because it's so bad. LOL.
15. I honestly feel bad that I can't donate money to Revolution1228 because we don't have the extra money. It's a really awesome project and I wish I could be a part of it's development.
16. I want to be a plus-sized clothing designer. Unfortunately I don't know how to design clothes. LOL.
17. I also want to be a model - this also makes me upset that I can't donate to the above - donations over a certain amount grant you the opportunity to model with the company and Mia Tyler.
18. I have a serious crush on Mia Tyler. Actually, I don't know which I want more - to sleep with her or to be her. LOL. She's gorgeous.
19. It's now May 5th and I haven't flipped my calender page. Told you I was a procrastinator. LOL.
20. I really miss shrimp. Since my allergic reaction to them a year ago (May 8th, actually), I haven't eaten any.
21. I secretly want to learn to shoot a gun, but am terrified of guns. lol.
22. I've never been in a fist fight. I almost did a couple times, but they were stopped by other people.
23. I want to go to church. I'll have to go alone and that terrifies me. There's a Presbyterian church nearby that is accepting of the LGBT community and I want to go.
24. I'm tired of my hot flashes. They're annoying. I joke about going through "the change", but what if it's true?
25. There's a shirt I wear when it's cold out. It's super comfy. It's way cute. It's a pajama top. LOL.
26. I visited Washington DC once. It was through school. On a "free day" I went to the Holocaust Museum alone. I bawled my eyes out.
27. I really like salad, but it has to have a lot of "stuff" in it - almonds, croutons, mushrooms, other veggies, and not too much dressing. I don't like plain lettuce and tomato salads. boring!
28. It's a rare occasion that I like a rap song. Generally I don't like rap because it's very angry music...at least that's how it sounds to me.
29. Some of my favorite childhood memories are while at the YMCA Summer Day Camp. I want to be a camp counselor for them one day.
30. I want to own a cabin in Lake Tahoe and live there.
31. I also want to live in Las Vegas for at least a year.
32. Some of my most vivid memories are triggered by smells or songs.
33. I secretly hope that my former boss's girlfriend finds out about all of his affairs and leaves him.
34. I hate depression. I really and truly miss being depression free and truly happy.
35. A quarter of the books on my bookshelf have never been read. I'm obsessed with buying books, but am easily distracted. LOL.


OK...I got 100 total now. LOL. Man, that was harder than I imagined. LOL

Video of the Week

It's a few days early, but I couldn't resist...

Fat Ass!!

Ok, so I just need to vent for a minute.

I'm watching yesterday's Oprah. Her featured guest is Kirstie Alley. The topic: Kirstie's weight gain after she lost 75 pounds on Jenny Craig.

Why am I upset? Because this is just further telling women of the world that we are worthless if we aren't a size 2! This is absolutely disgusting. We've watched Oprah's weight go to extremes in both directions over the 20 years she's been on television. We understand that women struggle with weight issues, but why is that?

BECAUSE SOCIETY TELLS US WE'RE EVIL, DISGUSTING SLOTHS!!!

This isn't true!! Women were once praised for having curves - it was a sign of health and wealth. Now women who are so skinny that you can see their ribs and their collar bones, hip bones, and shoulder bones stick out are the ones that we are supposed to aspire to be.

It's complete bullshit!!

Everyone's body is different. Not everyone can actually be a size 2. Or even a size 4. Hell, not even a size 10! Not every body wants to be that weight!

I've struggled with my weight nearly my whole life. Since I was 10, I've been called every fat name in the book because I wasn't "normal" or "attractive" to other people. It wasn't until I was far into my 20's that I realized that if someone doesn't like me for what I look like, then they can go somewhere else!

My body likes to hover around 250 pounds. Now I realize that I am out of shape. I can't run a 5k. Hell, I can't run 50 feet. But why do I need to run 50 feet unless it's from some axe murderer? I've had bloodwork done. My cholesterol is just fine! My triglycerides are just fine! The ONLY issue is that my blood pressure is slightly elevated, but you know why? Because I smoke. Yes I plan on quitting, but that'll be on my own time.

My body is just comfortable at this weight.

I once weight 195 pounds. That was when I was 18 and I spent the summer before my senior year at fat camp. I worked out 6+ hours a day and ate 1100 calories a day. THAT'S NOT REALISTIC!! I have to fight so hard to be skinny to appeal to the world, but you know what? I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WORLD SAYS!! AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!

If you feel the need FOR YOURSELF to be thin because it's what makes YOU feel better, then do it. But do it for yourself and yourself only! Do not do it for someone else!

Often I do wish that I weighed less, but only by 10 or 15 pounds (cuz that's what I've gained since I stopped working and my pants are a little snug). Occasionally I wish that I was a size 10, but that's ONLY because finding cute clothes in larger sizes can be difficult (but that's going to be less of an issue once Revolution1228 is launched!!).

But, honestly, 95% of the time I am perfectly happy with the way I look and often think I'm hot.

Now, all that being said, if you're at an unhealthy weight - where you can't walk or drive a car or your cholesterol is through the roof - then obviously you need to lose a few pounds for your health. But if you're overweight AND otherwise completely healthy, then take a good look at yourself and tell your reflection that you are beautiful and you don't need to change!

I'm so sick of seeing so many women put themselves down because they're not thin enough for some guy, or not thin enough to be an entertainer, or not thin enough for any reason influenced by the outside world.

The number 1 opinion about yourself that you should value is your own.

Son of a...

Dammit...I lost my list of Mommy blogs. I was updating my background and it somehow got lost.

&(*@#$&#(*^$(@#^$

Well, I guess I know what I'm doing the rest of the day...finding all those blogs and putting them back...



:::Edit:::

That didn't take too long. Thankfully almost everyone is friends with each other, so i was able to start with the McNulty Quads and branched out from there. LOL. If I missed anyone I'll figure it out later when I read through the list. Man, that sucked. I know I'm missing someone, but because I'm sleepy I can't figure it out. LOL. Whatever you do, don't screw with your blog's Layout and HTML without having a list of your blogger buddies written down somewhere first!! lol

Video of the Week

This is HILARIOUS!!

Cat In A Box @ Yahoo! Video

Baby making news - and a sign from God?

So Miguel responded back. He apologized for not calling when he's not coming over or going out of town. He's gonna make a better attempt at letting me know what's going on with him via email if he can't call or whatever. He agrees that a break will be good for all of us - so we can recharge. He also said that he'd pitch in for the fertility monitor pee sticks for the Clear Blue Ovulation Monitor and that he'd help us out with the insems. He's a nurse, so it wouldn't be that weird. LOL.

He's still very much wanting to do this, I think he's just naturally kind of flighty and isn't changing his mind about having a baby with me. I'm glad for that. When we come back to start doing this again, we'll have a much better idea for what we're in for and be able to, i think (and hope), have a more successful outcome.

Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement during these last few months. I've greatly appreciated it.

************

A friend of mine came down from Sacramento to have coffee. While we were sitting out front of Starbucks, we were approached by a guy who said he was on a scavenger hunt. He's in town on a church mission thing from Redding and said that God told him that there was someone on the porch of Starbucks, with tattoos, that he needed to speak with. My friend, his friend that came down with him, and myself all have tattoos. The street minister had actually written it down on a paper and showed it to us. It was freaky. Specifically, the tattoo was of a cross. All 3 of us had crosses. Where the guy was coming from, he couldn't have seen any of those tattoos. My friend's and mine were actually 90% covered by clothing.

In any case, he talked to with my friend about ministering (my friend had done it for a short time with a church youth group in Sacramento a few years ago), and then asked if he could pray for us in anyway or lay a blessing on us. We allowed. I didn't really say much, just let him speak and took everything in. As he laid his blessing on us, I asked for God's help in having a baby. I also prayed for guidance in my life. It's not something I normally would have done, but I honestly felt that this guy really was sent to us for help.

I've struggled with religion, and with faith, for a long time. I went to Catholic school from the 6th grade through HS Graduation. Even as a small child, attending CCD classes on Saturdays, I had issues with the Catholic Church. I've always found so many contradictions in Catholicism that I couldn't honestly get behind it. Once, in my early 20's, I attended a Methodist turned non-denominational church in San Francisco. The difference between this church and the Catholic Church was like night and day. In the Catholic Church, all I was ever told was that I was a sinner and I'd go to hell if I didn't follow the bible to the T. But since I had found so many contradictions, I couldn't ever feel like I could live up to these standards. I was tired of being told I was wrong about everything I believed in. And then I found this church that a friend took me to once and I felt, for the first time in my life, that God was all around and that He loved me unconditionally. At this church, there was no mention of sinners or hell, it was all about Love and Faith. It was a truly uplifting experience.

I wanted to go back, but I never did. I always made excuses - the biggest being that I was afraid of what others (my friends) might think if I just decided to go to church. Honestly, I even feel like I shouldn't go to church. It's the Catholic guilt - I live a homosexual lifestyle, I'm an adulterer (several times over) - I don't know that I belong in church. None of my friends are church going people. The only person I know that goes to Church is Jenn's mom and that's a very conservative Church. I would definitely not be or feel welcome there (nor am I even sure that her mom would be willing to take me there). Maybe I should look them up in the phone book and go to different Sunday services until I find the right one.

I've said in an earlier post that I feel lost. I think today was a sign that even though I'm lost, someone's still looking out for me and I think that I need to look back. I just feel like I need to do something. I'm tired of being afraid.