I wasn't really sure whether or not I wanted to talk about this in a public forum or not because, for most, and especially for me, faith is such a personal thing. Finding it has been such a journey that I don't think I'll ever have the energy nor right words to express the process correctly.
It's been a long journey for me to come to the feeling and belief of having faith in God and in God's plan. I can remember being 12 years old and having the belief that Catholicism and the bible was a crock of shit. My parents forced me to get confirmed in the Catholic church at 13 years old. I spent my teenage years in Catholic school and going to church only when I was made to because it was a school function. My high school religion teacher taught us that the bible is a book of stories, not to be taken literally. I found this a much easier pill to swallow, however I still couldn't bring myself to believe and to have faith in God and His plan.
I carried this feeling all through high school and into my adulthood...until recently. For the last year or two, when my grandmother started getting really ill, I felt a stronger and stronger internal pull to go to church. I hadn't gone except for a couple of times that I went with Jenn's family for special occasions. Both times I felt so at peace and a part of something inside that church, but I didn't have the strength to follow up on it. Plus all of my friends detest the idea of church in any form and I was afraid of dealing with their attitudes if I started going.
I still haven't gone to church, but since receiving a framed picture of the Virgin de Guadalupe that had been my grandmother's for many, many years, I've begun praying. Having Her in the house gives me peace. And praying has given my soul some weight. I don't feel like I'm floating around, lost in the universe. I don't know exactly where to go from here, but I do feel like I have a connection to something. I feel like I have some kind of purpose.
I feel like I believe.
I can also tell you that I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think I've been heading in this direction for a long time, but had to just find my own way and do it in my own time. I feel good, spiritually. It's really an amazing feeling.
I'm still trying to find a church. All I know is that it's probably not going to be a Catholic church. I've looked into some churches, but it seems that some places require you to be a member and take classes and tithe every week. I'm not so into that. I don't want to be forced into anything. I have to do things on my own, as anyone who knows me can tell you. There are a couple that have piqued my interest, but I'm still afraid of doing things on my own, so it may still take some time to get me in a sanctuary.
The other day a link was posted on the Twitter page belonging to Victoria Osteen, Joel Osteen's wife. I love Joel Osteen. I watched his sermons on Sunday mornings whenever I was up early enough to catch them. The link on his wife's page was a directory of churches they support. There are 2 in San Jose that I want to research and possibly attend.
This is all really new to me, but I did feel the need to share this excitement I feel at finding some faith and belief in God.
And if anyone local wants to take me to your church, I'm game! =o)
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