Blah Blah Blah

I've been in a very unhappy mood lately. There's not really a single reason for it, there's a multitude of things that have added up to a lot of stress and bad feelings. The thing is, I have no idea how to remedy any of the things I'm going through right now.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've applied for a couple of full time Manager jobs for storage companies (that's what I did full time for the last 3 years). Money has been a small stress factor. It's not huge, but I would honestly like to go back to the standard of living that we had when Jenn and I both worked full time in SF. We also need the extra money to save up to buy a car. Right now I'm using my dad's truck on and off, but it'd be nice to have my own vehicle.

Also, it seems that if we do proceed with having a baby with Miguel, we may be on our own without financial help. His boyfriend happened to mention to me that Miguel is wanting to quit work and go back to school. If that happens, he's got no income to help us out - that's how we'd be able to afford having me stay home once kids come. But without that support it's not going to be possible.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that we're going to proceed with trying to have babies with Miguel. With this new information about him going back to school, and with him not even attempting to approach me about the baby making since I got back from Oregon on June 29th, I don't know that he's the right fit anymore. I just don't want to have to chase him down to see his child or to deal with whatever responsibility that needs taking care of.

I also feel like I've sacrificed so much by only working part time. I've become a real cheapskate. LOL. I try not to buy things if I don't have to. I mean, I go 8 weeks or more between dye jobs to help save money. lol. I don't drink the way I used to. I don't smoke nearly as much as I did. I only buy clothes for work and when I do, they're really on sale. But there are things in this house that no one wants to cut back on - like cable, or magazines, or beer, or books, or eating out or quit smoking completely (though we're trying to make the end of this month the quit date). In short, it'll just make my life happier if I can just have my own, larger income so I don't have to worry about this stuff.

In addition to that, one of the jobs I applied for has both Jenn and I worried that it's a posting for her position here. It's probably irrational to think that way because Jenn hasn't been given warnings or write ups for anything, but it's still kind of worrysome. I wish that I'd get a response back so we'd know for sure.

I'm just so tired of being rundown, stressed out, and depressed. I need medical insurance to get on some kind of antidepressant. I need to be happy. I'm so tired of being miserable. I've been miserable most of my life. I just can't live this way anymore.

I think finding a full time job would be the start, I just don't know where to go after that.

Baby making news - and a sign from God?

So Miguel responded back. He apologized for not calling when he's not coming over or going out of town. He's gonna make a better attempt at letting me know what's going on with him via email if he can't call or whatever. He agrees that a break will be good for all of us - so we can recharge. He also said that he'd pitch in for the fertility monitor pee sticks for the Clear Blue Ovulation Monitor and that he'd help us out with the insems. He's a nurse, so it wouldn't be that weird. LOL.

He's still very much wanting to do this, I think he's just naturally kind of flighty and isn't changing his mind about having a baby with me. I'm glad for that. When we come back to start doing this again, we'll have a much better idea for what we're in for and be able to, i think (and hope), have a more successful outcome.

Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement during these last few months. I've greatly appreciated it.

************

A friend of mine came down from Sacramento to have coffee. While we were sitting out front of Starbucks, we were approached by a guy who said he was on a scavenger hunt. He's in town on a church mission thing from Redding and said that God told him that there was someone on the porch of Starbucks, with tattoos, that he needed to speak with. My friend, his friend that came down with him, and myself all have tattoos. The street minister had actually written it down on a paper and showed it to us. It was freaky. Specifically, the tattoo was of a cross. All 3 of us had crosses. Where the guy was coming from, he couldn't have seen any of those tattoos. My friend's and mine were actually 90% covered by clothing.

In any case, he talked to with my friend about ministering (my friend had done it for a short time with a church youth group in Sacramento a few years ago), and then asked if he could pray for us in anyway or lay a blessing on us. We allowed. I didn't really say much, just let him speak and took everything in. As he laid his blessing on us, I asked for God's help in having a baby. I also prayed for guidance in my life. It's not something I normally would have done, but I honestly felt that this guy really was sent to us for help.

I've struggled with religion, and with faith, for a long time. I went to Catholic school from the 6th grade through HS Graduation. Even as a small child, attending CCD classes on Saturdays, I had issues with the Catholic Church. I've always found so many contradictions in Catholicism that I couldn't honestly get behind it. Once, in my early 20's, I attended a Methodist turned non-denominational church in San Francisco. The difference between this church and the Catholic Church was like night and day. In the Catholic Church, all I was ever told was that I was a sinner and I'd go to hell if I didn't follow the bible to the T. But since I had found so many contradictions, I couldn't ever feel like I could live up to these standards. I was tired of being told I was wrong about everything I believed in. And then I found this church that a friend took me to once and I felt, for the first time in my life, that God was all around and that He loved me unconditionally. At this church, there was no mention of sinners or hell, it was all about Love and Faith. It was a truly uplifting experience.

I wanted to go back, but I never did. I always made excuses - the biggest being that I was afraid of what others (my friends) might think if I just decided to go to church. Honestly, I even feel like I shouldn't go to church. It's the Catholic guilt - I live a homosexual lifestyle, I'm an adulterer (several times over) - I don't know that I belong in church. None of my friends are church going people. The only person I know that goes to Church is Jenn's mom and that's a very conservative Church. I would definitely not be or feel welcome there (nor am I even sure that her mom would be willing to take me there). Maybe I should look them up in the phone book and go to different Sunday services until I find the right one.

I've said in an earlier post that I feel lost. I think today was a sign that even though I'm lost, someone's still looking out for me and I think that I need to look back. I just feel like I need to do something. I'm tired of being afraid.

Cycle 9....it's not good news...

so..yeah..still not pregnant. i guess that spotting i had was just a fluke. i really don't have much to say about it, but i did send miguel the following email. i feel a lot better after having voiced my thoughts.

Hi Honey.

Sorry to contact you this way, but I don't have your regular email and it's too long to text (and I'm horrible on the phone). lol So...my period showed up this morning. I think I want to take a little break. Since my birthday is next month, I want to take the month off so that I can have a crazy, drunk time for my 30th without worrying about the consequences of not conceiving after having tried the week before.

I think this will also give us all some time to get our heads clear and back in the game. When we start again, I really think that we need to be more aggressive. I'm gonna try to get those IUI instruments to help. I'm going to try to get Jenn to quit smoking so I can quit, too. And I need you to be there when I need you. If you're going to be out of town when I let you k now it's time, you need to tell me - it hurts my feelings when you just don't show up and don't call or anything. I'm not expecting you to rearrange your life for this baby-making stuff, just keep me informed so we can rearrange the baby-making schedule around other stuff.

I know you're probably frustrated. So am I. I never imagined this would take so long. The monthly disappointment is almost too much for me to bear, but I know it's not the end of the world, either. We'll get there. In the grand scheme of things, trying for 9 or 10 months isn't really that long. I'm trying to be patient, as I'm sure we all are, but it's hard. We'll get there.


I'll talk to you soon! Love you!

~Stacey


hopefully i'll get a positive response.

BFN

Once again, Aunt Flo has shown up. Ironically enough, it came the night after Riki's baby shower. LOL. Go figure.

So with this next round, I'm going to be a little more aggressive. I haven't been entirely vocal about my wants with this process, so I'm going to grow a backbone. LOL. I'm going to suggest M get his sperm count done and we're going to do more insems. I should be ovulating sometime the week after Palm Sunday (April 5), so I'm going to have us do insems on the Saturday before Palm Sunday, then on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. The 6th is day 15 of my cycle and I've been ovulating on day 15 or day 19...or somewhere in between. So I figure starting on CD13 should give us a good start, then go every other day for a week. That'll definitely increase our chances of getting preggo this month.

I was just realizing last week that this is the first thing I've done where I've gotten repeated failures and haven't just thrown my hands up in the air and given up. I want this so badly, but at the same time I'm just so frustrated that it's way more difficult than I had anticipated. I mean, there's a reason I'm still fat - because it takes too much work to get thin. I don't entirely over eat or eat a lot of junk, I'm just fat. My body works against me to stay this weight (around 250). Seriously. LOL. My body fights weight loss like nobody's business. After I have my babies I'm going to look into getting a gastric band. That'll help me stay active with the babies to help keep them fit as they grow up. They are going to start off in the black, so I have to be proactive (M used to be almost or even over 400 pounds and had gastric bypass surgery a few years ago. He also has diabetes.). I'm already knowing they're going to be in gymnastics, dancing, and outdoor sports. lol.

So that's the plan as it stands for now. As usual, I'll keep you updated. ;o)

Cycle 8

I never really got a true positive on my OPKs, but we're gonna give it a go tomorrow since today was the darkest the tests have been the last 5 or 6 days. I think I need to change kits. We got the Clear Blue monitor from a friend of Miguel's, but the testing pieces are $50 for a 10 day supply. That's just not in our budget right now. I'll have to look at Walmart and Walgreens for a different type of test than what we've been using next month, if it comes to it.

I just want to hurry up and be pregnant. Now that we're actively trying, every time Aunt Flow shows up, it's heartbreaking. Again, I find myself wishing that I were straight and could just have sex everyday, twice a day until I got pregnant. Then I'd know I did absolutely everything possible and couldn't have missed my ovulation. That would take all the clinical-ness out of it. Or even if Miguel lived closer to us (he's a good 30 - 40 minutes away), I'd see him more often to try more. Unfortunately I feel like he's being inconvenienced by having to come here and give us his sample. There are several months where I asked him to come by a third day in a row and he just didn't show up. I did tell him that I am more than willing to drive out to his house, so I hope he takes me up on that if he's not up to driving out here.

So that's where we're at with that.

Not in the cards

So Miguel didn't come over on Thursday. He didn't even text me until around 9pm to tell me that he had thrown out his back and had been at home in bed all day. He said he might try to come by on Friday before Jenn and I went out of town, but he never called. I didn't call him when we got home yesterday because a) I was tired from driving home from Oregon, and 2) I'm a little mad at him. So February is a total bust.

The reason I'm mad is because I don't believe that he did hurt his back last week. I think he had other things to do and didn't want to come by. Last month, I was waiting for him to come by after he got off work at 2:30...since he should have been at my house by 3:30, I finally texted him around 4pm asking if he was still coming over or if he was stuck in traffic or whatever. He texted me back and said traffic was really bad. He finally got to the house around 5:30 with his BF and 2 other friends in a second car. It was then explained to me that Miguel's friend had called and asked him to help him move - that was the real reason Miguel was late. He was supposed to come back the next day to do a 3rd insem and he just didn't show up.

I honestly don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that he's just as frustrated as I am about not getting pregnant yet. I think he's frustrated with having to come out here all the time, but I am more than willing to go to his house, too. He just seems to prefer coming here. This really is just a window into the future, I know that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when we have kids and we make an agreement for Miguel to come by and see the babies and he changes his mind or he gets sidetracked. It worries me. He's supposed to be a 3rd parent, not just a sperm donor.

I'm really kind of at a loss right now. I'm going to take the rest of this month to think about if this really is the best thing for all of our situations. Honestly, Miguel is the only way I can get pregnant right now and I have no idea how long it would take to find someone else (who would be just a donor, not Daddy) or how much money it would end up costing us. We are far from rich, but I'd have to get a full time job with insurance before even thinking about going that route.

Ugh. This sucks.

Cycle 7 Update

I texted M and asked him to come by tonight so that we can do an insem. I didn't get a solid positive on the OPK (it was a medium dark color, not a true positive, but showing that my hormone levels are slightly elevated), but Jenn and I are going to be out of town tomorrow night through Monday evening so I figured we should get a jump on it anyway. I'll have him come by again on Monday night when we're back. Both of those insems are going to kind of bookend my ovulation, so we'll see what happens. Today is day 15 of my cycle, making Monday day 19. Cross your fingers! ;o)

TTC update

so it's been a while since i've updated about baby stuff. obviously nothing has happened since i last posted. we were hoping for a christmas miracle, but that wasn't to be. right now i'm in the middle of insem round #6. we did it last night, tonight, and will do it again sometime tomorrow. i got a true positive on the OPK this time, so hopefully we hit the nail on the head.

miguel did get us a new fertility monitor, too. we had trouble finding the test sticks (replacements), so we didn't use it this month. it's the Clear Blue Easy electronic tester. If this month doesn't go, we'll give it a try. we got it second hand from a friend of miguel's, so that saved us a bunch of money. but the tester sticks are gonna be $50 a month!! the OPK's we've been using now are like $1.50 a piece (there' simple paper test strips) that jenn ordered from a supplier in canada (they come labeled as cosmetics on the customs sticker. lol).

i've been really crampy today, so hopefully that means something in the ovulation world.

jenn and i are also starting to plan a baby shower for our friend riki. she's 18 weeks preggo with a little girl. she just found out the gender last week. did you know picking out non-hideous baby shower decorations is a lot more difficult than one might imagine? LOL

Anyway, think good thoughts for us this month. hopefully the 6th time's the charm.