Making Improvements

So I've been going to doctors a bunch lately to get myself healthy. With medication, my blood pressure finally has a normal reading. That's the first time pretty much ever in my life. LOL. My new Kaiser doctor upped my quantity for my scripts so that I can have 100 days at a time instead of just 30. But Kaiser also has the mail order option, so I don't have to drive down to the hospital all the time for my meds. I see the girlie-parts doctor in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that I'll be able to start BC pills again so I have 2 forms of defence against making babies with people I'm not dating (or married to, for that matter).

I have been migraine free since I started those meds and I cannot tell you how happy I am. I used to live in fear of those damn things and now I don't even think of them anymore. =o)

I made a friend down here on the Peninsula. Her name's Brittany. She's married and has a 2 year old. She and her hubby invite me over for dinner and movie nights sometimes. B and I go get pedicures and stuff. I babysit for them sometimes. I really like them. It's been a long time since I've made new friends because I'm not easy to get along with. Plus, you know, I don't like people. LOL But B and I have this "me, too!" syndrome and it's awesome. They're giving me a punk musical education every time I go over, and B is introducing me to her favorite movies.


Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Holy hell I am old! LOL I spent it up in Sacramento like I did last year. The difference this year: I got to spend time with my ex-stepdaughter. Austin's daughter lives with him now and she's 15 freaking years old!! When the hell did that happen? LOL. The best thing is we fell into a comfortable conversation very quickly. She knows why I wasn't around all these years (because of her parents - her mom not allowing me to see her and all the times I fought with her dad and disappeared). She still loves me and I love her. She's turning into an awesome adult. Granted, she's still a sullen, cynical teenager, but still. LOL. She's so not her mother, but she is so her father. LOL. I don't know which would have been better. Before I even got to the house on Sunday, I guess she was already telling her dad that she wanted to invite me to her Sweet 16 party in December. I haven't seen this kid since she was 9 and she's just welcoming me back into her life like there wasn't any time missed. I cannot explain how happy that makes me.

I guess that's the big stuff. I'll try to post more often. ;o)

See you later.

We buried my grandmother today. We met the family (my aunts, uncle, cousins, great-aunt, and my mom's cousins..about 15 of us total) at the San Joaquin County Cemetary in Stockton. We didn't have a priest or anything. My mom's cousin's wife said a lovely prayer and a few people shared stories of my grandma, then the cemetary guys put her urn down in the grave with my Great-Grandma Lupe (grandma's mom). My aunt Kathleen brought calla lilies for us to each toss down to my grandmothers. There were tears, but there was also some laughter.

I'm still processing the finality of everything. On Sunday she'll have been gone 2 months.

The buriel was planned for today because it's my Great-Grandma Lupe's birthday. I believe she would have been 104 or so. She's been gone 20 years. My grandfather's birthday was yesterday. He would have been 78. He's been gone 30 years. We didn't visit his grave. I'm a little disappointed since he's in the same cemetary.

Whenever I go back to visit my grandma, I plan on finding his grave.

Anyway. Like I said, I'm still processing, so I don't really have anymore thoughts to get out.

Oh..I do think that my grandma said hi to me the other day. I think it was on Monday. I was walking into the kitchen, passing by the windchimes that hang in the opening over the counter between the kitchen and dining room, and the chimes closest to me clinked together. I really don't think I was walking fast enough to create a breeze. I really think it was her letting me know she was here. I was caught off guard for a second and just stared at the chimes. I finally said "Hi Grandma" and went on with whatever I was doing. It was comforting to think she was here with me.

I've always felt my Papa was my guardian angel. Now I think I have 2.

Girl, Interrupted.

My aunt called today to let me know my cousin is in the hospital at Stanford and asked if I wanted to come by and visit. I hate hospitals, but I agreed to go visit. My cousin has been in and out of hospitals for a long time and I wanted to help make her visit a little more comfortable.

The reason she was in there? On Tuesday she went on a bender on Crystal Meth and went bananas. She's in the psych ward on a 72-hour hold (plus the weekend). She might get released tomorrow, but it depends on her behavior. Apparently she got really riled up last night and wanted to beat some people up. She's always had rage issues and has gone to anger management before.

Anyway. She's always had drug issues in the past, but I think my grandmother's death pushed her over the edge. She's been erratic for years, so I think my grandmother's passing was the catalyst for a breakdown.

Sitting in there with her, watching some of the other patients scared the crap out of me. I could very well end up in some place like that at any time. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to keep a breakdown away. I've always been on the edge, but I guess I'm stronger than I've always thought.

This also just makes me realize how crazy my family is and how sheltered I grew up. Craziness runs in my family. On BOTH sides. It's no wonder my aunt, cousin, and I are all screwed up. We never had a chance.

So, on my way home, I picked up a few things to feed my vices: cigarettes, fast food, and ice cream. No, they don't make me feel better in the least. They make me feel crappy. But at least I'm not doing meth. Or cutting (though the night's not over).

Moving on

It's been 2 weeks since Grandma passed away. Most of the time I'm fine. I honestly try not to think about her too much because it does get to me that she's not around. Yesterday a customer came by with her 80+ year old mother and I got a little weepy.

Mom and Dad came by today. Mom said she's not sure what's going on with Grandma's ashes. I guess my aunt Kathleen keeps changing her mind or changing the date of when they will bury my grandmother's ashes with my great-grandmother. So I guess we're just waiting around on her. It's not something I'm looking forward to, but it'll help bring closure, I think.

In other news, I'm totally settled in at home. Today I moved my livingroom tv to my bedroom because Mom & Dad brought me my brother's old tv for me to have in the livingroom. It's a 32" CRT type tv. He bought a flat screen last month and donated this one to me. The one in my room is a 27" CRT. I've now got an extra 13" CRT that I need to get rid of. I think I'll list it on freecycle.com. Maybe someone will want it for their dorm or for their little kid's room.

Work is going well. There's talk of more promotions (yes, multiple) happening this year. I'm looking forward to that. I have a reputation that precedes me and it's definitely working to my benefit. LOL.

Anyway...that's all that' new with me recently...Oh no, wait..I forgot...I bought an iPhone last week. LOL. It's an amazing piece of technology. I don't know why I waited so long to get it. LOL. Oh wait...I know...because it was expensive and my contract wasn't up yet. I was finally elligible for an upgrade last month and the iPhone was down to $99, so I caved. Of course this week they're now $49. Bastards. lol. Oh well. This phone is a total time suck, though. LOL. I would spend all my time on my phone if I could. For this reason, I make myself earn time on my phone. I have to clean so much and do so many tasks at work before I can allow myself a few minutes to play with my phone. LOL. I actually think I'm more productive around the house and at work now. haha!

Anyway...gonna finish my movie (The Outsiders) and then watch The Imaginarium of Dr Pernassus or whatever it's called. I've got it on my Netflix stream and heard it got some good reviews.

We are family

Facebook is an awesome creation.

Because of Facebook, this week I friended over 30 family members that I haven't seen in close to 20 years, and even some that I've never met before in my life.

My grandfather Richard Becerra was one of 7 children.



Each of these children grew up and had children of their own. My mother and her sisters have 30+ first cousins.

I've always complained that my mom kept us from our Stockton family and because of Facebook, I can connect with my family and be with them now. I am so grateful.

There's a party on Saturday for my uncle Richie (my grandfather's only son) as he's here on an extended visit from Germany. I would love to go, but it's a 2+ hour drive from my house and I work until 5pm. But thanks to my Tia Sally, I know that I'll be invited to everything from now on and will have many more chances to be with family.

I feel like I'm a part of a real family now, not just some segregated section. I know my mom won't participate at all, but I don't need to wait for her. Now that I feel I have my own connections to my own family, I can see then when I want. I've always been afraid of my mother, thinking that if she's not speaking to family members, then neither should I. Screw that noise. The next Becerra Family Cruise that happens, I'm so on that damn boat! This is my damn family, too.

Getting to know you..err...me..

The more days that pass since learning about the truth of my Papa's death, the more I actually seem to understand myself.

He was depressed and an addict.

I'm depressed and an addict of a different kind. I don't do drugs, but I sleep around and I eat lots and lots of food.

Depression is genetic. One of my aunts was an addict and she takes antidepressants and has for years. My dad's sister was depressed and killed herself as well (though I know that she was also molested, and I'm sure the two are not mutually exclusive).

I feel so much less alone for knowing these things. As isolated as I felt 3 days ago, I have done an almost complete 180 since then.

I almost feel a sense of freedom with this knowledge. The shock was a burden for sure, but I don't feel weight pushing down on my shoulders quite like it did before.

When I get my new medical cards next month (for Kaiser - ugh!), I'm going to find a primary care physician and get on some meds. 3 people in my family have taken their own lives (that I know of) and I don't want to be the 4th. I'm not dumb. I feel good now, but something else will happen and send me very close to the edge. I need a little insurance that will keep me safe.

::deep breaths::

I've calmed down a lot since yesterday. I'm still very hurt and angry at my parents, but I'm not depressed and suicidal. I was really distraught yesterday.

is right - finding out that information doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change much now I think of my parents either. I already knew they were liars. I think part of me was also hurt because the image I had in my head of my grandfather was shattered.

But finding out about his death and his life, it made me realize why I am the way I am (with depression) and how my aunt came to be a drug user herself. And maybe why my dad has always said that suicide is not a way out. And why my dad is so against drugs.

I think I was also just upset because it's yet more lies that are piled on top of other lies and I'm sick and tired of them not telling me the truths about things.

I do plan on confronting them. Perhaps not next week at Christmas, but another time. I think I deserve some honest answers.

Sorry if I freaked anyone out last night. A good night's sleep and some retail therapy did me some good.

Lies Lies Lies

I went to my grandma's house to visit with her and my aunt today. Mostly visit with my aunt since I knew that my grandma would be mostly out of it. And she was. She's at home for "comfort care". She's home to die. She's on pain meds (morphine) and anti-anxiety drugs (because the morphine kinda makes her loopy and crazy). It's sad to see her so small and fragile (she weighs probably 95 pounds - I lifted her a few times today and she was easy to lift), but I was surprised to find that I wasn't as upset as I'd expected.

My aunt's friend was there for a while, but after about 3pm, I was there with my aunt, just talking and caring for my grandma. In talking with my aunt, I discovered a few things about my family that I never knew. The most shocking thing was finding out that my Papa, my grandfather, didn't die of diabetes complications as I had been told. He shot himself in the head in my grandmother's basement. The second that came out of my aunt's mouth, I had to walk away. I lost it. My mom told me a blatant lie about how he died. At some point, she did say something that contradicted it, so I knew she hadn't told me the truth about it, but to find out that he took his own life put me in a state of shock. I'm still in shock, 2 hours later.

I also found out that he was a heroin junkie.

And that my other aunt had been married, too...to a junkie.

And my grandmother had a second husband who was also a junkie and died from an overdose.

I also got confirmation that my mother had been married before my dad and got divorced because he cheated on her. He had been her high school sweetheart. She'd had a big church wedding and my aunts were her bridesmaids.

I am so angry at my parents for lying to me about everything my whole life. And not just lying, but for acting like life didn't exist before they got together. Did you know that I don't even know my dad's siblings' names? I didn't know I had an uncle until he came here 5 or 6 years ago for the first time (he grew up in Germany). I didn't know I had an older sister until I was 10 and she was 18 and she came to live with us for a couple months.

I have a photo on my refrigerator of my great-grandmother Lupe with her husband, my great-grandfather, and I don't even know his name! (Though now I have proof that I'm part Filipino).

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea who my parents are. Or where I come from.

And now I'm questioning ever finding a husband and having kids. Why would I want to bring someone into a family that lies? Why do I want to be in this family? What the fuck?

I don't know my ass from my elbow right now as I type this.

I want to confront my parents, but don't exactly know how. The next time I see them will be Christmas but at this point, I don't even want to see them at all. I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry. And it took all my strength not to drive myself into a brick wall or a tree on my way home. I'm doing my best not to grab the scissors that are across the room from me and cut the shit out of myself.

So as a distraction, I've put on Eclipse and will do my best to keep distractions going by catching up on FB and my blogs. But I honestly don't know how well that's going to work.

I'm just at a loss. I'm distraught. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. And numb. All at the same time.

Why does everyone I care about lie to me?

The beginning of the end.

I received a Facebook Message from my aunt today about my grandma.

My grandma was put in assisted living because of her dimentia. My Aunt Pamela wasn't capable of taking care of her at home alone anymore. This was 2 months ago. Well, today they brought her home and are bringing in hospice nurses. There's a possibility my grandmother won't live to see 2011. She's refusing meds for her dimentia and her lung cancer (yes, it's back).

I'm not prepared to deal with this. I've been in denial for a long time. I didn't want to believe that I could lose her. I wanted to believe she'd live forever. I wanted my own kids to know her. And now that's all going away. I have no choice but to face it.

I've decided to go visit tomorrow and help my Aunt Pamela out. My other aunt, Kathleen, will be out of town for the weekend (my cousin is coming home from NY for Christmas), so Pamela could use all the help she can get.

This is going to be a horrible Christmas season.

If you're of the praying kind, please pray that she goes peacefully.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

While having dinner with my family last week, my dad told me he needs to get a part time job to help pay the bills.

Last June, when Chrysler started closing down stores, my dad's GM jumped the gun and laid a bunch of people off including my dad. Luckily my dad found a new job in just 5 weeks, but his new job pays about 40% less than what he was making. Now if my parents were still in their house in Daly City, the rental, this wouldn't really be an issue, but the mortgage on their current home, the one they bought in January 2008, is twice the rent on the Daly City house.

I can't stand the thought of my dad, at 58, having to get a second job because he's getting screwed by his new employer. My dad's current job pays on commission and business sucks, so he's not making enough money, nor is he making even remotely what he deserves. Luckily his employer is changing hands and the new owner is going to make some changes that benefit everyone, but for now, my dad needs to find an additional source of income.

Now, my brother lives there and pays them about $350 a month. I am now finally able to start paying for the truck, so I'm giving my dad $250 a month. Unfortunately my bills are kind of high right now (and I make shit money), so $250 is all I can afford to send right now. But on my way home today, I actually saw my dad on the freeway and we waved as we passed each other. Seeing him made me start thinking about all this stuff and wondering how I can really help more.

The plan I came up with is this: turn off my cable at Jenn's place, box up my stuff, store it here while she still works here, and move in with my parents so I can give them more money (and convince them to get more money from my brother since he can more than afford it). The only bump in the road is my cats. My mom doesn't want my cats there (she keeps offering me a place to stay with them if Jenn gets a new job before I get my own store with an apartment). My mom's not a cat person. If I do this, then I'll have my boss hold off on finding me a resident manager property for a little while and I'll stay at my current store so I can keep the higher pay rate.

Obviously I'd lose a lot of privacy and space, but I think helping my parents is more important than my space. I'm gonna think about this for a couple days, just to be sure I can/want to do this, then approach them with my plan. If they go for it, I'll be able to give them closer to $600 a month (I won't have the cable bill, and my gas expense will be cut in half since they're so much closer to work).

Help. Am I crazy for thinking about moving back home or am I truly doing the right thing? This move also means putting my love life on hold, but it's not really going anywhere anyway, so why not, right? LOL.

I need feedback!!!

Grandma Update

Sunday afternoon, I went to see my grandma with my parents. She was looking pretty good. She's not in much pain, but her meds make her nauseated, so she's not eating much. Also, she's really tired. She took an hour-long nap after we got there.

She really does look frail, if I'm being honest, but I think that's because she just doesn't feel well. She was sad she couldn't eat any food (she wants to but is afraid of her stomach getting upset and throwing up), but said she'd try a little bit at some point. We left a bunch of food for her, so I hope she got to enjoy some of it.

At one point when we were there, she was lamenting over the fact that she bought a TV for her bedroom because she now thinks it's a waste of money. She said she thought she'd "go fast" and would be in bed most of the time, but now things are "dragging on" and she much prefers to be in the livingroom. LOL. She's a crazy woman. I think part of her wants to just give in and let whatever happens happen, but I think she's really fighting on the inside.

My aunt Pamela has been spending a lot of time with Grandma since she's not currently working. She took a leave of absence because her Lupus flared up. My cousin Sierra also moved into the basement so she can be there when no one else is. What I find interesting is that her boyfriend is living there with her. 12 years ago, my grandma cried because I was moving in with my boyfriend and would be "living in sin". But I guess things are different now for the youngest grandchild. Then again, she's 21 and I was only 18 at the time. LOL.

Anyway...I think my grandma is still going to be around for a bit.

And the hits keep coming...

My grandma has not had it very easy for the last few years.

Starting 15 years ago, she's gone through the following:
She had 2 heart attacks in the same day
She fell and broke her wrists.
She fell and hurt her back.
She had 2 back surgeries between Nov '07 and May '08.
She's over come lung cancer twice - caught early and the spots cut out.
I think she's in the early stages of Alzheimer's.
She's had numerous falls over the last year, continuously bruising her tailbone and injuring her back.

She finally went to the hospital on Monday to have her back looked at. They did a minor surgery to relieve some of her pain and discovered that she has Stage 4 Bone Cancer. I'm not sure what kind of treatments they're going with right now, but she has already been sent home (she was sent home the same day as her procedure). Her current doctors are working with the insurance company to approve a bone cancer specialist that could alleviate her pain and give her another 2 years.

My grandma has an expiration date and I don't like it.

I don't like that this is what it takes for me to step up and be the grandchild I'm supposed to be. I'll be visiting her next week. I'm going to make a conscious effort to visit her every week for as long as she's here.

I'd like to ask that you please donate to anyone and everyone you know that's fundraising for cancer research. Any kind of cancer research.

Right now, Jen @ The Amazing Trips is accepting donations for her Avon Breast Cancer 3-Day walk.

And Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew? is accepting donations for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Foundation Marathon.

Cancer sucks.

Life & Death

So the last week has been really rough.

Carl's services were beautiful. There was a rosary on Thursday night and mass & gravesite service on Friday morning. My dad was a pall bearer. I can't go into details without getting weepy, but throughout the tears, there was also some laughter.

This last week has had me almost in a tailspin. I've known Carl my entire life. He was my dad's best friend. His girls were like my cousins. We went on trips together. His death has me fearing for my own dad's life. I have always been afraid of my dad dying. I don't know how I'll get through it when he does die, but after losing Carl, the possibility of my dad (or, really, anyone else close to me) dying has consumed my thoughts.

I don't think of these things consciously, they just take over when I don't have anything to focus on. My mind starts to wander and all of a sudden, I'm imagining the phone call I'll get or begin to eulogize my dad and start tearing up. Of course I immediately change my thoughts when I realize where my mind is going, but I hate that my mind's going there in the first place.

Ugh. Death is so hard.

The last funeral I went to was 15 years ago, for my cousin John. It was a short chapel service at the funeral home, then the graveside service at the military cemetery. Carl's service was a 2 day event and it just drained me. Because we were so close with the Rath family, we saw more than I think we really needed to see. I've never experienced such grief first hand, much less second hand, until now. I think experiencing that grief exaggerated my own and brought forth all this anxiety that had laid dormant.

Ok...I have to get off this subject for now...but, yeah...death sucks.

Family and death

My dad called about an hour and a half ago. I had an odd feeling when he called because it's a Monday and I couldn't think of any reason why he'd need to call. Well, he did have a reason and it wasn't a good one. His best friend Carl died of a heart attack yesterday. He died alone, in his car, a block from home. A stranger found him and called 911. By the time emergency crews got there, he was gone.

I'd always considered Carl my uncle. He'd been friends with my dad for much longer than I've been alive. We've done family vacations with Carl, his wife, and their 2 daughters (both not much younger than me). I was on a bowling team with my dad and Carl for about 4 or 5 years. I remember finding his obsession with The Beatles to be kinda funny.

I last saw Carl on Opening Day at AT&T Park with my dad, brother, and my dad's other friend John. It was good to see everyone that day, especially Carl. I hadn't seen him since I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago and stopped bowling with my dad.

Carl is the first close family member I've lost since my great-grandmother died when I was 12. I'd pretty much forgotten what loss like this feels like. It's hard to comprehend that I'll never see him again. He was so young - the same age as my dad, in his mid-50's. And such a funny guy.

His wife, Paula, is beside herself. My dad says she's really kind of lost. She lost her husband and best friend. Both of their kids aren't home anymore - the youngest is in college, but at least she's only in Sonoma, so she's not that far away, and the other is married and teaching in southern California. I can't think of Paula ever being without Carl. They're two peas in a pod. I cannot imagine the anguish she's feeling right now. But I will pray that God gives her strength. I know she's going to need it.

There's a rosary on Thursday night and the funeral is Friday. My dad's going to be a pallbearer. I'm going to find coverage for Friday's shift so I can be there. I can't even imagine not going.

In any case, be sure to hold your loved ones close and tell them you love them everyday. You never know if it's the last time you'll see them.

Hot Days of Summer

So it's been officially summer for a while now and we're really getting into the warm weather. I love the heat. Aside from Christmas-time, when I love the glitz of the lights and trees, Summer is my favorite time of year. My favorite clothing items are tanktops and shorts/capris so loving summertime really fits. LOL.

During the few warm days we had in late spring, we spent some time in the pool over at Shauna and Cole's place, but now that the weather is in the 85 - 105 range, the swimming will be much more enjoyable (the pools aren't heated. booo!!). Unfortunately, S&C are out of town this weekend and Shauna will be out of town next weekend as well (this week for camping, and next week she's going to her sister's in Portland for the Tori Amos concert). I haven't seen S&C since the night I left for Oregon on the 7th of last month - since moving back to the east bay in November, that's the longest I've gone without hanging out with them. LOL. We always have tons of fun hanging out at their place and in/by the pool, so I can't wait for that to start up again. They're house is our home-away-from-home on the weekends.

This weekend, to celebrate the 4th, we'll be at my parents' house tomorrow afternoon/evening for BBQ and possibly fireworks...not sure if we'll be able to see them from their house or not. It'll be a nice day for my dad to forget that he doesn't have a job. He does have an interview on Monday with a car dealership in Vallejo, though, so that's a good thing! (Especially since I pointed him towards the Craigslist posting!! LOL)

Then on Sunday, we'll be headed up to Walnut Grove to spend the day with Jenn's dad and step-mom on their boat in the delta. That should be a fun time. Unfortunately I have to work that night, but we'll be able to have a few hours in the sun and water.

In any case, I just had to share a little love for this time of year. I've already got a good tan going so far and it's only going to get better! I just might have to start going to tanning places during the winter to keep it up. LOL.

Yay Vacation!

Today has been the first real day of internet usage since we got home from Oregon on Sunday evening. We arrived to a broken A/C unit, so sitting in front of the computer hasn't been a top priority because of the heat. Sunday's temps were at about 105*, yesterday was around 95*, and today is only about 80*, so it's much more tolerable to be here, catching up on all I've missed over the last 12 days. The A/C isn't fixed yet, but hopefully should be today, but thanks to ceiling fans and living in a wind tunnel, things haven't been too horrible.

Anyway...my vacation was fantastic!! Of course, the first 2 weeks of my vacation was spent with Riki in Medford, OR, helping out and keeping her company (and from losing her mind) while adjusting to motherhood. I *heart* babies and it was really difficult to leave, but the coast and the beach were calling, so off Jenn and I went last Sunday.

I swear, I had more seafood last week than I've had in the last year. We had salmon, crab, and muscles that had all been caught (or picked) by the family. I've never had such fresh seafood. Scallops, oysters, and clams were also had, but purchased from the store. lol. There was also shrimp, but I didn't eat any of that - I didn't want to risk swelling like a balloon.

Jenn's family is really fun and hilarious. I'm so glad I got to go. It was kinda weird being in the middle of the pack in the generations. Jenn's aunts and uncles ranged from 10 - 20 years older than us, and her cousins mainly ranged 10 - 20 years younger. LOL. There was one cousin and her husband and sister who were only 6 - 8 years younger, but still. LOL. We all still had a good time, though.

Most of our nights consisted of hanging out at the Beach House (between all the family, we were in 4 houses for 28 people) playing spoons, drinking, and talking. Did you know it's actually possible to get stabbed with a spoon? Yeah. I have evidence!! Jenn's cousin's husband was a little over zealous and got me pretty good on the hand. LOL.

We also had 2 really good days of sun and those were spent on the beach. I got a really good tan and am almost rid of my nasty tan lines on my shoulders (I have a tube-top style bathing suit) and even got some color on my legs! That never happens!! Getting to and from the beach was a real bitch, though. From the Beach House to the actual beach was a cliff with 45 steep steps down. I named them the stairs of death. LOL.

It was really nice to be away from the internets - although that really backfired when people started dying and I needed information - but now there's tons to catch up on. lol. I'm going to continue doing that.

I'll have pictures up as soon as I can.

A small update

So I guess I haven't done a real update in a little while, so here we go...

I've gotten a few more hours at work, but not much. This week I was only scheduled for 5 hours - and that was this morning. I really do love my job, I just wish there were more hours. LOL. But that's the economy for you. For as much of a loner as I am, I really do like this "salesperson" job. It's not hardcore sales, but more customer service based. (I work for Bath & Body Works if I didn't already mention that somewhere along the way. LOL) Hopefully I'll have more hours next week as we're gearing up for our Semi-Annual sale in June.

In 10 days, I'm turning 30. I'm nervous. I don't want to say I'm 30. I don't like that number at all. I really wish I was going to be able to ring in my birthday in a big way, but we just don't have the money. It's my own fault, though. I should have looked for a job as soon as I moved. In any case, I will be getting together with my friends the night of my birthday to have drinks and play some pool.

On June 7th I'll be heading out of town to stay with my friend Riki in Medford, OR for 2 weeks. She's going to be having a baby very shortly (she already lost her mucus plug, so it could be any day now, but her official due date is this coming Tuesday) and I'll be headed up there to spend time with her and help her around the house and farm (she lives on her mom and step-dad's mini farm - there's goats and chickens).

Then, on the 21st of June, Jenn will be meeting me in Medford and we'll take off to Coos Bay, OR (out on the coast) to spend a week with her family. It's their annual family reunion week. Several houses will be rented, there'll be family meals, (maybe) some salmon fishing (for Jenn's grandpa and uncles, I will not be participating in that, but I will be eating their catch!), crabs to eat, wine to drink with the aunts, and lounging on the beach getting tans. I can't wait!

Other than that, there's not much going on. I spend my days at home, on the internets, watching my talk shows (Oprah, Martha, Ellen), and Cash Cab. LOL. Maybe one day I'll have more interesting information to pass on, but for now, that's all I've got. ;o)

Death, Dying, & Surgery

A good [internet] friend of mine made a post on her LiveJournal today. Her boyfriend of 2 years passed away unexpectedly late Tuesday night. They think it was either a massive heart attack or a pulmonary embolism. They won't have the autopsy results for a little while longer.

She's absolutely devastated. This man was her life. In all of the 7 years I've known her, I've never seen her happier. She met her BF soon after her divorce from her (now) exhusband and have been living together for 1.5 years. They don't have kids together, but he had a 5 year old that he had physical custody of.

Honestly, I'm kind of worried about her. I know lots of you are the praying type, so when you're saying your prayers tonight, please throw in one for her.


Another internet friend of mine, whom I've never met in person, is currently watching her mom die from lung cancer. Her mom was only just diagnosed last year, but it was already Stage IV. None of her treatments have worked. Hospice is already called in. There's only days left.


Also, a couple weeks ago, my grandmother had a routine scan of her lungs and was found to have 2 new "spots" on her lungs. She had a cancerous spot removed from her lung 15 years ago and has been clean since. Thankfully these 2 spots should be able to be removed cleanly as well, with minimal after care (a pill should do the trick). Her surgery is on Monday. My grandmother means the world to me. I've been not the greatest grandkid, unfortunately, but I'm still her favorite. LOL.


In short, please keep Joyce, Debby (and their families!), and my Grandma Mercy in your prayers tonight. I'd greatly appreciate it.

Culture

So Jenn and I were watching Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations tonight. He was in the Philipines this time. I was really excited to see this one because I am 1/8 Filipino and like to explore all aspects of my heritage. Well, explore isn't the right word - I like to find out new things about my heritage when I can.

It made me wish that I had known any of my Filipino family so that I could go to the Philipines and explore the non-touristy parts of the country. Unfortunately, I don't know of any of the Filipinos in my family. (My maternal grandmother's father came from the Philipines).

I also wish that I knew my mom's Mexican family better. As a kid, we went to Stockton all the time to spend time with my mom's immediate family (my maternal great grandmother, my great aunt and second cousins), but we didn't know my mom's cousins from her dad's side of the family. From what I understand both my great grandmother and my grandfather emigrated here from Mexico and still have family there. Unfortunately, because my mom's so anti-social, I never knew that side of her family. Because of this, I don't know my family that is still in Mexico.

I mean, on my mom's dad's side of the family, there are like 30 cousins in my mom's generation. I probably have somewhere between 30 and 100 cousins just in the states alone!

Jeezus, my mom has a baby brother (he's only about 6 or 7 years older than me) that I didn't even know about until a few years ago!! Sure, she might be bitter because he's from a different mother, but he's still her brother! She doesn't even talk to him! My aunt Kathleen has a relationship with him at least - she's hosted him out here a few times and has flown to Germany to visit him (that's where he grew up - his mom moved back there with him after my grandfather died, I think).

My dad cut off his family for somewhat good reason, but my mom, as far as I know, has no good excuse!

I feel dumb wanting to try to insert myself into this other family that I have now that I'm almost 30. How do I do it? Do I really want to do it? Will they accept me if I did do it? All I know is that I'm not going to do that to my kids. My kids will know all of their families and will get to know their Nicaraguan family, too (that's where Miguel is from). My kids aren't going to be alienated from their blood relatives, and even those that aren't blood related (Jenn's family).

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm never going to become my mother.

Dork-a-licious

I made that post about sending that email to my parents. I've been waiting to hear back and have been getting more nervous because neither has responded.

I just remembered.

They're in Reno. LOL.

I won't get an answer until I get back from Reno next week. LOL. (I think my parents come back this Saturday and I'm leaving Sunday for Reno until Wednesday.)

Yeah, I kinda feel like I belong on the short bus today. lol