Money sucks, man.

So it's been a couple months since I last updated. I've been wanting to wait until I had difinitive answers to relay.

Back in June, I went to the girlie doctor and ended up with an abnormal pap. I had to go back for a procedure called a colposcopy. The doctor took a few samples of my cervical tissue for further testing. That came back bad. I was diagnosed with Cervical Displasia. It was in Stage 3, which is one step back from pre-cancer. 2 months after this all started, I was able to finally get things taken care of. I had a LEEP procedure on 8/8 that removed all affected tissue from my cervix. My doc did take just enough tissue to remove the bad cells, but left plenty of tissue that I shouldn't have any issues carrying children at some point.

I'm glad to be in better health, especially since I had no clue I was sick. Unfortunately I am now in incredible debt. I owe K.aiser $1800 in medical bills from these labs, plus my psych evaluations. I also finally got my bill from my Stanford ER visit. That's another $1200.

I also totalled the truck last month. Well, it's still driveable, but not entirely safe. I am doing minimal driving right now until I get my next bonus payout. At that time, we're selling the truck for whatever we can get and my parents will help me with a bit of money to buy me a car. I'm aiming for one that's less than 10 years old. It'll also be a sedan or compact, hopefully a manual transmission, and be good on gas. I'm thinking a Nissan Versa, Altima, or Maxima, or a new version Volkswagon Beetle. Those are my top choices. Hell, even a Dodge Neon like my dad has. But not the sport version as the shocks are horrible. LOL.

In the accident, I collided with an Audi and my insurance only covers $5000 in damages. There wasn't a whole lot of damage (she was able to drive to the side of the road, though her radiator was busted), but I'm sure it'll total more than $5000. Thankfully no one was hurt, but now I"m scared that I'll get sued for the balance of the damages. =o( I'll just have to wait and see on that.

So in that respect, my life sucks balls. Everything else is going pretty well, I suppose. My new friends are fabulous. I can't imagine life before Brittany. She is absolutely amazing. She's like the perfect friend for me. I went to hang out over at her house the other night to play cards. I don't think I've ever done that before! She grew up doing it and loves it but her husband doesn't play cards. She taught me a couple games. I had beginners luck and kicked her ass. LOL. It was fun. It's so nice to be friends with someone who doesn't use you.

My Twitter family is just awesome. I've made some good friends and I'm constantly meeting new people. It's great.

Anyway, that's all I have time for today. I'm trying to get my house clean so I can pull out the Halloween decorations. Hope you all are having a safe and fun Labor Day Weekend!

How do I remember to breathe?

So I've kind of fucked myself again with money. I am so stupid when it comes to money.

My registration is now late because I was too short on cash to pay it. Granted, I had $180 in copays over the last 2 weeks that I had to pay for doctor's appointments that I shouldn't have had to pay (I was supposed to get a reimbursement card, but never got it), and then didn't have enough money to pay the smog and registration on the truck.

I still owe my dad the last payment on the truck, too.

I don't get paid until Tuesday, but I still won't be able to register my car until the following Monday when I have the day off to get the smog and go to DMV.

I have no idea how I'll be able to get to Vegas. I think I might have to postpone until later in the year so I can see how my money situation goes. You have no idea how disappointing this is. I was trying to bump up the date so I can go to a concert on September 9th but it's just not going to happen. I just have to focus on the now and worry about my trip later.

I hate that I always feel the need to spend spend spend when I know I'm already tight on money. It's so stupid. I told my therapist about it (for those not in-the-know, I started going to therapy) and she thinks that it's not anything too serious yet since I'm not racking up credit card bills (but that's only because no one will issue me cards anymore). I just have that need for instant satisfaction. It can be with anything, too. Clothes, food, coffee, a book, a movie, shoes. It doesn't matter, but I have to spend all the money I have, I can't save it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Part of me wants to stop buying the fancy food and eat crap. But I feel so much better with all these veggies in my body! I ate fast food a few days in a row last week or the week before and my system still isn't right. I can't do that. I've grown almost addicted to my breakfast smoothies (fruits with slim fast and greens), but those don't even cost that much, especially since my frozen fruit comes from the dollar store.

Ugh. I just have to get the registration taken care of and the smog, and then I'll worry about the rest. I'm trying not to drive much so I don't get a ticket, but I am so nervous I'll get caught. I can't afford a ticket!

Perfecting how to put a game face on

This is my current theme song right now. It helps me get through the day.





I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Chorus:
Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still

Chorus

How long, in another space and time
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long, did I know so hard to find
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

C'mon
Whoa Whoa X6
But I still walk on

Venti

So I'm officially down 20 pounds since March 4. Actually, I weighed myself on Wednesday, so in exactly 8.5 weeks, I lost 20 pounds. That's a little more than 2 pounds a week. Not bad, I suppose.

I wish I could see it in my clothes. But because I am so tall and wide, 20 pounds doesn't really show. My face is a little less puffy and I do feel that my clothes are a little loose, so that's nice. I just wish I was down a full clothing size already. Yes, I am impatient. LOL.

But I did set my LoseIt program (for the iPhone) to track my caloric intake to have me lose 1.5 pounds a week, so I'm running faster than my goal. That's pretty awesome actually.

I need to get back into an excersize routine. I got sick, then I had a pinched nerve in my back/hip that is just beginning to heal. Keeping up exercize with the calorie restrictions will help a bunch.

There are days where I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have to do it slow and right and retrain myself how to eat properly otherwise I'll gain it all back in a couple years. I am so proud of myself when I make good food choices and can eat a lot on that particular day, I don't know why I can't remember to do that everyday. I have bonus calories today so I am enjoying a glass of wine. But there are days where I barely make my limit and I'm still hungry. One day it'll click and I'll make good choices consistently.

Anyway. That's what's new with me on the weight loss front. Things are going well even if I'm not losing weight super fast. But that's a good thing!!! =o)


Oh..and I do have a confession: I looked at myself in the mirror the other day when I was just in underpants and a bra. I genuinely liked what I saw and I'm afraid that I won't like my thinner body when I get down to 200 pounds or less. I like being curvy and squishy. I wont' ever be a hard body or anything remotely close, but I like my belly. =o)

I'm so bad at this

I'm such a horrible blogger. I could never do this professionally. I guess that's why I have so many readers. LOL.

Anyway...this is what's been going on with me:

After my ER incident, I made an appointment for that same Friday to see a doctor at Stanford about my blood pressure. She put me on 5mg Amlodipine to start immediately. She also did a blood draw to test 500 different things to see if there was any other cause for my blood pressure and obesity (yes, I said it). On Monday morning, I get a call from her office stating that they called in a second script for me to pick up at CVS. It's hydrochlorothiazide which is a diuretic.

So now I'm on 2 meds because I have a family history of high blood pressure that was bound to hit me at some point and unfortunately it hit me way early because I'm fat.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm on pills. I have alarms on my iPhone to tell me when to take my pill. I haven't missed one yet! It's impressive because I am horrible about taking medications of any kind. I mean, I've had a cold for the last 4 days and have forgotten to take my DayQuil I don't know how many times. LOL.

On Monday night, at about 9:30, my electric water heater shorted out and caught fire. I was watching TV when I heard a couple of pops and some hissing. It took me a minute to figure it out, but then I saw my water heater on fire. I ran into the store office to grab a fire extinguisher, then put it out. I was so freaked out I don't even remember finding my phone to call 911. I was grateful that I still had a bra on when the fire department showed up. They were hotties! The fire was tiny. The worst of the damage was that my entire house ended up covered in Chem Dry from the extinguisher. It took a few days to clean up the entire mess, but only 1 to get a new water heater.

Believe me when I say I prayed to the Lord that night for allowing me to be home when that happened. If I wasn't, I would have lost everything, including my cats, and the business would have caught fire.

I was supposed to have a follow up doctor's appointment on Tuesday, but had to deal with the fire situation and wait for the plumbers to replace my water heater. It's been rescheduled for this Thursday morning. I do feel like the meds are working. I don't feel hot all the time. I feel normal temperature now. And I haven't had a headache in a week!

This week I've also started monitoring my calorie intake and working out on my elliptical. I downloaded the LoseIt app for my phone and am tracking everything. I set the weight loss pretty low so that I have a realistic expectation for weight loss. 1.5 pounds per week. My daily budget is still 2100 calories. Honestly, using this app has made me realize just how much I over eat. I knew I did already, but this pretty much slapped me in the face. But I'm eating better. Making wiser choices. I'm measuring food! LOL But I'm doing OK. I think this app may be the best thing to help me in watching what I eat. I'm still eating "normally", but I'm making better choices in how much I eat and making better choices about what I put in my mouth.

On Friday I received a copy of my blood test results. Everything's freakin normal! I don't have high cholesterol or any bad numbers of any kind. I also don't have HIV or Hepatitis.

So this is what's happened to me since my last post. Exciting, huh? ;o) haha.


OH! and I am making plans to hit up Vegas in late September to visit my Las Vegas Girlfriend Joyce. =o) I haven't seen that woman in over 4 years. October 2006 was when I was there last and I got to hang out with her for a night. Now she's gonna get me for 4 or 5 days! I'm so excited. =oD I'm crossing my fingers that I'll bonus this quarter and I can get my plane tickets next month. Woot! Told you I was getting on a plane this year!

Doctor, doctor, give me the news

For those of you not on Facebook, I spent most of yesterday at the Stanford Emergency Department.

I had another one of those allergy-welt attacks and this one was bad. When it started to come on, I took a double dose of Benadryl just like I always do, but it continued getting bad. I took a shower to try to cool myself down and try to get rid of the allergy, but that didn't help. While in the shower, I also realized I had some swelling in my throat. That's when I decided to take myself to the ER.

This time I didn't get lost going to the hospital. Navigating Stanford was not easy, but I followed the sinage a little better and was able to easily find the entrance. I went in (through security who had to check my bag and scan me for metal on my person) and was seen right away. Well, that's not true. I was triaged immediately and was given a bed, but it was another 30 minutes until I was seen. In their defence, I was already on the decline when I went in, but still had throat swelling so I went in anyway. I'm glad I did. It was real eye opening to me.

I got there sometime around 11sih and around 2, I was finally given some Predisone and Pepcid. I then got the option to drink a liter of water or have an IV put in. I opted to drink the water and sucked it down in 15 minutes. LOL. I was told not long after that I would be going home soon.

Then they checked my blood pressure. When I was triaged, my BP was about 200/140. Not unusual when I'm in the midst of a mild panic attack due to an allergic reaction. When they checked it around 2:30, it was only down to 195/120. Because of this, they kept me for observation. They couldn't send me home until they felt it was safe. At 4:45, I had only come down to 180/119, but the attending didn't feel the need to keep me anymore. She said that they couldn't diagnose me, officially, as hypertensive because it could have just been circumstantial, but because I did admit to having a history of borderline-high BP, she insisted I find a primary care doctor and get the BP checked out asap and get a referral to an allergist.

She also suggested the possibility that what happened to me was not an allergic reaction, but it could be a carcinoid which is a tumor-like growth that kind of mimics allergy symptoms. Going to an allergist will either confirm or reject this idea. (In all honesty, I'm thinking this or something like it is the culperate here. These allergy attacks have no obvious source or trigger.)

I don't like the thought of having to see a ton of doctors all the time now, but I want to see 40, so I'll bite the bullet and do it.

I also got a prescription for an EpiPen. Did you know those things cost $85?? Me either. Craziness. So now I have to carry one around with me all the time just in case. I never had allergies until the last few years. This kinda sucks.

My head is always killing me, too. This is because of my elevated blood pressure and steroids. Tomorrow is the last day for the Prednisone, so hopefully the headache will be gone by Thursday. I'm not sure if I should take anything for it, so I'm just living with it right now. Thankfully tomorrow's the first of the month, so work should be real easy.

So now I have an appointment with a doctor on the Stanford campus. I opted to find someone there so they could have easy access to my ER records. Friday morning at 8am. It should be one of the first of the day, so I can still get to work on time.

Why is it that my health issues can't be small? They've always got to be something big. =o\

Getting to know you..err...me..

The more days that pass since learning about the truth of my Papa's death, the more I actually seem to understand myself.

He was depressed and an addict.

I'm depressed and an addict of a different kind. I don't do drugs, but I sleep around and I eat lots and lots of food.

Depression is genetic. One of my aunts was an addict and she takes antidepressants and has for years. My dad's sister was depressed and killed herself as well (though I know that she was also molested, and I'm sure the two are not mutually exclusive).

I feel so much less alone for knowing these things. As isolated as I felt 3 days ago, I have done an almost complete 180 since then.

I almost feel a sense of freedom with this knowledge. The shock was a burden for sure, but I don't feel weight pushing down on my shoulders quite like it did before.

When I get my new medical cards next month (for Kaiser - ugh!), I'm going to find a primary care physician and get on some meds. 3 people in my family have taken their own lives (that I know of) and I don't want to be the 4th. I'm not dumb. I feel good now, but something else will happen and send me very close to the edge. I need a little insurance that will keep me safe.

How long will I be picking up the pieces

Finally updating on my Awesome-tastic Wednesday!!

My friend Amy and I had tickets to the Pick Up The Phone tour featuring Blue October. Blue October is one of my favorite bands and I've been eagerly waiting for them to come to San Francisco. I'm pretty sure I bought my tickets the second they went on sale. LOL.

While Blue October was in town, they did a short acoustic set at Crissy Field for Please Don't Jump. This group was created to help save a San Francisco resident who sent in an anonymous postcard to Postsecret threatening to throw themself off the Golden Gate Bridge this summer.


At this event, there were speakers from the Suicide Hotline as well as family members of 2 people who took their lives jumping from the bridge and a bridge jumping survivor. He jumped from the bridge 10 years ago today and is grateful to be alive and is working towards building a suicide barrier to prevent anyone else from joining the list of 1500 known jumpers who have died.


Here's one of the songs they sang. Should Be Loved.


It was a very beautiful event. We were invited to sign the banner.



After this event, Amy and I killed some time by hanging out in Crissy Field since it was a gorgeous day, then headed downtown for lunch at Max's Opera Cafe and get in line for the 7pm concert (which ended up being at 8, but whatever). We got really great spots in the venue. We were at The Regency Ballroom. There's no handicap seating (Amy's in a wheelchair), but we got there early enough to get a spot in the front row at the left side of the stage. We were OK there for a while, but this ignorant girl standing in front of Amy kept backing into Amy and accusing Amy of ramming her in the ankles. I almost punched the bitch out. If I hadn't been so excited to see Blue October, I would have. She was so damn rude, I couldn't believe it.

The concert was awesome!! The energy was amazing. Justin Furstenfeld is one of the best performers I've ever seen. He and Jared Leto take the cake. They live their lyrics, but Justin really takes it to a whole new level. He writes everything that he feels. A lot of it is real dark and most of Blue October's fans are people who have experienced a lot of those dark feelings and thoughts he's had. This is the second time I've seen them live and was just as amazed and blown away as the first.

Me and Amy


Justin (we were SUPER close!!!)


Here's my video of "18th Floor Balcony". This is one of my favorite songs of theirs.


After the concert, we waited around back to see if we could maybe get an autograph.....WE DID!! And got pics with Justin!!



He squished his face on my face!!!! OMG! I had my arm around his sweaty back and his was around mine. OMG. Swooooooon!!!!


After that epic day, I have been on a serious awesome letdown. LOL. I don't know how any other show will top this day.

If you want to see the entire day in pictures, click here.

Ouch, my freakin head...

So I've been suffering with periodic migraines for several years now. They used to be very infrequent - like once a year. Last year, I think, they started coming about once a month. Over the last couple of months they've been coming once a week. Today marks 2 days in a row. Usually these migraines are worse right before and during my period, so I'm thinking my hormones have a big influence on triggering them. I've actually thought this for a while, but, as per usual, did nothing about it.

This morning I finally made an appointment with Planned Parenthood so I can get my girlie bits checked out and get BC pills. I haven't had this kind of appointment in probably 5 years. I'm thinking it's time. I usually go 3 - 4 years in between appointments anyway. LOL. I'm thinking the BC pills will help with my headaches. I always get the low estrogen onces because they help get rid of my cramps, too. Once my insurance kicks in (in about 4 more months), I'll make an appointment with a regular doctor and get my head checked out. It's not normal that my eyeballs want to jump out of their sockets once a week.

I'm so over these damn headaches. I probably need Imitrex. I'm also going to see if I can get a referral to an ENT and find out if I really do have allergies because some of my migraines stem from sinus headaches. I don't want to be a pill popper now, though. I hate taking pills and always forget (hence the reason I'm never on BC pills LOL)

Or maybe it's just a tumor.

Farther Down

It's so hard for me to post a lot of the time because I hate to be so whiney all the time. For the most part things are going well for me. I don't have much to complain about, but we all know I just love to complain. LOL

Work is going OK. I'm having a rough month so far with business, but there's not much I can control about it. Granted, the "suits" would disagree, but I'm the one who actually works in the store and knows what goes on. I'm dealing. I'm having a little stress that's causing me sleep issues (work stress causes insomnia), but I'm really working on leaving work at the office.

Home life is OK. Jenn's still looking for another job, but isn't having much luck. I feel bad for her cuz I know how much the company sucks. She and I are getting along much better, too. We have a normal friendship now, I think. LOL. We were dysfunctional for so long, in our friendship and with our relationship, that I didn't think we'd ever get to this point. It's nice.

Now my love life is something to complain about. LOL. The latest guy, the friend, is out of the picture. I'm not really surprised, to be honest. I don't expect any one to stick around for long. I did have hope, though, that since we already knew each other and had mutual friends, he wouldn't screw me over. Well, he didn't screw me over...he just screwed me and decided that's all he wanted and walked. This is why I've decided that I'm no longer giving away the milk for free. The next person that wants in my pants is gonna have to buy the damn cow. I'm just so tired of allowing myself to be treated this way. I'm so much better than that and I deserve better.

Physically I hurt! LOL. My leg muscles have been crampy lately and I'm not sure why. Mostly, though, over the last 2 days, my right shoulder and upper back have been hurting like a bitch. I need a full body massage - any volunteers??

That's it for the time being. Hope that wasn't too whiney. LOL.

4 weeks

It's been 4 weeks since I quit smoking!! Incidentally, also 4 weeks since my first surgery, but that's not the point of this post.

I QUIT SMOKING 4 WEEKS AGO!!! I did have one little slip up last week on Halloween..I lit a smoke and took about 4 drags off of it before deciding it was absolutely disgusting and I put it out. (In my defense, I had been drinking and was surrounded by smokers.)

I feel really good about having quit. I don't have that awful cough anymore. It's wonderful!

I also got my approval letter for my health insurance today. It's good for only 6 months, then I have to reapply, but hopefully by then I'll have gotten a new job with health insurance. I need to get my blood pressure checked out. I think I'm gonna have to get on medication. While I was in the hospital, they kept finding it to be 160/105 - or somewhere in that range of 10 points up or down. That's not good. My blood pressure has never been that high. The hospital actually put me on medication before my surgery to help bring it down so there weren't any complications.

This is just more proof that I have to change my lifestyle. Being completely sedentary is not working for me. But now that I'm totally healed from my surgery, I can get onto the elliptical. I hate that it's in the garage, but it's way too heavy to bring upstairs.

Anyway...I just wanted to celebrate being smoke free for 4 weeks. Yay!!

Grandma Update

Sunday afternoon, I went to see my grandma with my parents. She was looking pretty good. She's not in much pain, but her meds make her nauseated, so she's not eating much. Also, she's really tired. She took an hour-long nap after we got there.

She really does look frail, if I'm being honest, but I think that's because she just doesn't feel well. She was sad she couldn't eat any food (she wants to but is afraid of her stomach getting upset and throwing up), but said she'd try a little bit at some point. We left a bunch of food for her, so I hope she got to enjoy some of it.

At one point when we were there, she was lamenting over the fact that she bought a TV for her bedroom because she now thinks it's a waste of money. She said she thought she'd "go fast" and would be in bed most of the time, but now things are "dragging on" and she much prefers to be in the livingroom. LOL. She's a crazy woman. I think part of her wants to just give in and let whatever happens happen, but I think she's really fighting on the inside.

My aunt Pamela has been spending a lot of time with Grandma since she's not currently working. She took a leave of absence because her Lupus flared up. My cousin Sierra also moved into the basement so she can be there when no one else is. What I find interesting is that her boyfriend is living there with her. 12 years ago, my grandma cried because I was moving in with my boyfriend and would be "living in sin". But I guess things are different now for the youngest grandchild. Then again, she's 21 and I was only 18 at the time. LOL.

Anyway...I think my grandma is still going to be around for a bit.

And the hits keep coming...

My grandma has not had it very easy for the last few years.

Starting 15 years ago, she's gone through the following:
She had 2 heart attacks in the same day
She fell and broke her wrists.
She fell and hurt her back.
She had 2 back surgeries between Nov '07 and May '08.
She's over come lung cancer twice - caught early and the spots cut out.
I think she's in the early stages of Alzheimer's.
She's had numerous falls over the last year, continuously bruising her tailbone and injuring her back.

She finally went to the hospital on Monday to have her back looked at. They did a minor surgery to relieve some of her pain and discovered that she has Stage 4 Bone Cancer. I'm not sure what kind of treatments they're going with right now, but she has already been sent home (she was sent home the same day as her procedure). Her current doctors are working with the insurance company to approve a bone cancer specialist that could alleviate her pain and give her another 2 years.

My grandma has an expiration date and I don't like it.

I don't like that this is what it takes for me to step up and be the grandchild I'm supposed to be. I'll be visiting her next week. I'm going to make a conscious effort to visit her every week for as long as she's here.

I'd like to ask that you please donate to anyone and everyone you know that's fundraising for cancer research. Any kind of cancer research.

Right now, Jen @ The Amazing Trips is accepting donations for her Avon Breast Cancer 3-Day walk.

And Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew? is accepting donations for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Foundation Marathon.

Cancer sucks.

What a weekend...

So I spent the weekend at the County Hospital getting my gall bladder out. It's so not what I had expected to be doing this weekend, but it couldn't wait. LOL.

All last week I'd been having severe abdominal pain and finally went to the ER on Friday morning. I was kept in the ER all day while they ran labs and did ultrasounds on my belly. At 8pm, I was finally given a room. I shared my room with a very sick older lady. She slept most of the time, as did I, really. I didn't really sleep much last week, so I was constantly nodding off. lol.

I had my surgery done at about 3pm on Saturday and was hopped up on morphine for the rest of the night. It was a really quick, easy surgery. It was laproscopic so I have 4 puncture wounds in my belly and that's it. They're pretty sore today and the one under my belly button is pretty sore and a little swollen, so I'm going to take it pretty easy today.

Sorry if I hadn't told you about what was going on...I just didn't want to freak anyone out or not be able to keep up with who I was updating. But it's all good now!

This was my first surgery, too. I'd never had to have anything done before. It was kind of nerve wracking. But I guess I've "popped my cherry" so to speak, so if anything else happens, I won't be so nervous. lol.

So how'd you spend your weekend? ;o)

I'm so weird...but we already knew that.

I anticipate getting sick. Not vomiting sick. Not fever sick. I just want a cold. LOL.

Well, I think I want one until I actually have one, then I'm miserable. LOL. I just anticipate getting one and am actually disappointed when I don't get a cold.

I'm so weird.

Procrastination

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? That's always been my motto. I consider myself to be one of the greatest procrastinators of all time. I've always been this way. If I'm told I have a deadline for something, I wait until the 11th hour, if I even do it at all. School homework was often late. Work projects are completed minutes before they need to be turned in. Most of the time my procrastination was never an issue, just maybe a small kick in the pants when I got something done late and got into trouble for it.

However, I've come to realize that my procrastination has really caught up with me and I'm not happy.

I'm an SA advocate and novice activist. SA is Size Acceptance. It's taken me a long time to learn to love my body and accept that I'll never be a size 2, or even a size 10. It really does take a lot of work to get to this place - to see myself as being beautiful when society tells me I'm disgusting.

While I do have a strong belief that genetics and hormones have aided me in becoming the size I am, I know that what I put into my body doesn't help and neither does my lack of exercise. That being said, I do need to state that my cholesterol is just fine, as is the rest of my bloodwork. Yes, I do have slightly elevated blood pressure, but that is due to the fact that I am a smoker. So, while I may be out of shape, I am not unhealthy.

What has gotten me upset is that I weighed myself recently and discovered that I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought. I am now greatly aware that my belly sticks out farther than my breasts. 20 pounds ago, that wasn't the case.

Now, where does the procrastination come in, you ask. I have an elliptical machine in my garage. It's collecting dust. I haven't used it once since we moved last November and have used it less than a dozen times since I bought it from a friend 2 years ago. I always say "Oh, I'll start using it tomorrow." or "I'll start my exercise program on Monday." Tomorrow and Monday always comes and goes and I have yet to set foot in my garage to use it and now it's caught up with me.

I hate exercising. It's really the bane of my existence. But I know that exercising makes me feel better (once the burn wears off), I have more energy, and my mood is greatly improved. But I have no energy to get down there in the first place. At least, I think, I've found motivation - to make my belly smaller than my boobs again.

I'll never be skinny, nor will I ever be thin. I'll always be "thick" or fat. It's a fact of life, and that's just fine with me. I just don't feel good where I'm at right now. My first goal is just to get back under 250. Idealy, I would like to weigh under 220, but we'll see how getting under 250 goes. Although, to be honest, I don't really care what I weigh. I don't give a crap about that number. It's the fact that I look down and see belly first, not my toes.

The number that I actually do care about is my pant size. I currently wear a size 22 (which, oddly enough, is what I wore 20 pounds ago. LOL. That's how I didn't even notice I gained weight!!) in pants. My top size did go up, though. I'm now in a 3x top. That bugs me. I would like to get down to a 1x top and a "teen" pant size; out of the 20's.

And this is where you come in! I need help. I need people to be on my ass about getting some of this weight off. I need help to get my ass downstairs, into the garage, and onto the elliptical. I do have some inspiration (Jen @ The Amazing Trips, Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew?, Gen @ The McNulty Quads, and Emily @ The Wright Five) for not just sitting around on my butt all day. These women are either on weight loss journeys or are training for marathons and walks for cancer research. Jen's What's In You Wednesdays always strike a chord in me, but I never do anything about it. It really eats at me just how lazy I am.

I don't want to do that anymore. A year ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV and I pledged to do the AIDS walk this year. I didn't do it. I've always wanted to do the Bay to Breakers. I never have. I want to do the Avon 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I never have. I know I don't have to be skinny to do these things, but if I get my energy up, I can do them. If I stop being a procrastinator I can do them.

So maybe now that I've put this out there for the world to see, I'll hold myself accountable and stop putting things off for tomorrow. I know it'll be hard work, but I can't have this mentality anymore. It's caused me to miss out on a lot of things/people/stuff and I don't want to continue on that path.

Perhaps I'll start "Motivation Mondays" and blog about my progress with my procrastination issue. Maybe if I just work at keeping things in the forefront of my mind (and my blog) I'll be more likely to stick with working on this and not just give up after only one or two tries. We'll see how this goes, but hopefully even this entry will be motivation enough.

Wish me luck!

I finally went to church.

Over the past weekend, Jenn's family was having a reunion at her grandparents' house not too far from here. We missed most of Saturday's events because Jenn was at work, but we made it for dinner and swimming. It was fun to meet more of her family..there's a lot of them! LOL.

Sunday morning was church, then breakfast, then more swimming. Breakfast was awesome, swimming was fun (not as many kids in the pool!), but church was a real experience.

We went to the family church (St. Francis) for our service. Jenn's family has a lot of history there - her mother's father (which, btw, is not the family that was having the reunion, that was her dad's family) painted most of the paintings inside the church, including the giant cross that sits behind the altar. Her dad's family has been going there for 50+ years. All of her aunts, uncles, and cousins were baptized there, and quite a few have been married there.

I was very overwhelmed and almost overstimulated with emotions that I couldn't define. There was electricity running through my veins. I very nearly cried several times because I felt so full of...something...God's love, perhaps. But I definitely didn't feel out of place.

Jenn had been on board for the church trip for the last few weeks, but had changed her mind on Saturday, but agreed to go when I said I'd still like to attend mass. I was glad. It opened up a (short) dialogue about my wanting to continue attending church. She said she wouldn't mind going back to church either (and neither would our friend Cole), but none of us would like to go to a Catholic church. We were all raised in the Catholic church and don't agree with its teachings and doctrines. We all come from places where we feel, in one way or another, persecuted and abused by the Catholic Church.

I found a Presbyterian church in Pittsburg that I have been wanting to check out for months. I think now I'll finally be able to do it. I almost chickened out Sunday morning, but pulled it together and I'm so glad I went. I think now that I've broken the ice, I can continue going. But, especially since I've never been to this church before, I'll have to get Jenn up and drag her to mass again. LOL. I'll bribe her with McDonald's on the way. LOL.

In any case, I just wanted to share that I'm glad I went and I think this is going to help me in the long run. I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment by saying this, but I think this is going to give me some real direction for my life. I've been feeling lost for a long time, so perhaps this will help me get on the right path for my life.

I'll keep ya updated. ;o)

Cycle 10

So I made the executive decision to skip May's cycle so I could have a break from the stress. Unfortunately because of my scheduled trip to see my friend Riki in Oregon (who gave birth to my niece last night!!!), I'm missing the June cycle by about 2 days. Ultimately I think this break is a good thing, but I feel so down in the dumps about it.

My friend Ashley gave birth to her 3rd baby (but first daughter) 5 months ago. Riki had her daughter last night. A triplet mommy who's blog I read is going to give birth to her surprise baby #4 this Friday, I believe. And another triplet mommy who also has an older child just found out she's preggo with her surprise baby #5. While I'm so incredibly happy for all of these women, I can't help but be incredibly jealous at the same time.

When I come back from Oregon and we try in July, that'll be our first anniversary of trying to conceive. I really hope that I do get pregnant by the end of the year. Past that, I know that I'll have to start seeing doctors and such to make sure nothing's wrong, but I'm incredibly frightened that something is wrong. Then again, I really think that I may have had a miscarriage last month - there was tissue I discharged that just didn't look normal. So that may be a positive sign. Who knows.

All I know is that patience is not a virtue I have.


Edited to add: I just remembered...2 old high school friends that I've reconnected with through Facebook are currently pregnant. Ugh! Again, happy for them, but why can't it be me?!?! :::shakes fist in the air:::

Buying a dead lady's stuff.

So last weekend, we spent Saturday night at our friends' house so we could go to the flea market and garage sale-ing Sunday morning. We stayed up kinda late on Saturday night as we tend to do (it's our game night when we're over), so we got kind of a late start on Sunday. After breakfast, we headed out of the house a little after 11am.

The flea market was a bust. It wasn't even open! There was no one at the drive-in where it's held. That sucked. Oh well. Instead, we looked at our list of garage sales and headed out to Martinez. As we drove around, we saw signs for other garage sales, but didn't get out of the car until we found an estate sale. We were weary of going inside someone's house to buy their stuff, but other people arrived at the same time, so we gave it a go.

I have to say that it is sooooo creepy walking around a dead lady's house looking for stuff to buy. That being said, Shauna and I did find a few things to get. She got a couple of 50's or 60's style tables that she's going to use as bedside tables for $5 each. They were so cute! I'm pissed I didn't find them first. LOL. I snatched up 3 little bowls that are good for prep use for $.40. LOL. I almost got these orange cast iron skillet and pot because they were too cute, but I changed my mind at the last minute (I was on a VERY strict budget). I decided to hold out for something better.

2 blocks away, we found another garage sale where Jenn and I hit the jackpot on a bistro set for our patio. The table is a mosaic style and the base and chairs are wrought iron. $35 for the set. NICE! They're in excellent condition. We have been looking for some kind of patio set for a long time but never found anything less than $150 for a set, so this was an awesome deal. It looks great out on our patio, too.

We visited a few other garage sales (well, drove by like 5 or 6 others) plus a rummage sale at a church in Walnut Creek (where they had a baby scale for sale!! lol), and a vintage/rummage sale type business in Pittsburg (where I found another of those orange skillets, but they had it for $35..it was $5 at the dead lady's house) but didn't find anything else. By this time it was barely 3pm!!

After that, it was all downhill from there. The weather was extremely muggy and I was somewhat uncomfortable, but once we got back to Shauna & Cole's house to drop off our finds and head back out to get them a freezer, I became way over heated and slightly dizzy. I toughed it out through Sears and our first Home Depot visit, but for the second Home Depot visit, I had to stay in the car. Thankfully, that was our last stop, so after dropping Shauna & Cole & their freezer off at their place, Jenn and I headed home.

I felt pretty crappy the rest of the night, so I just laid out on the couch, ate a bunch of goldfish crackers, then slept off the yuckiness from the day. Whatever it was didn't stick with me cuz I've been fine since.

So, to sum up...it's weird to buy some dead lady's stuff right out of her house.

Not good

Yesterday was kind of a rough day for me. First off, it was the 11th anniversary of losing my one and only pregnancy. I haven't gotten sad about that for a few years, but I think it hit me kind of hard because I'm now trying for a baby. So because of that, I was already kind of sad.

And then I found out someone close to me was just diagnosed as HIV+. I've known people in the past, and know someone now who is HIV+, but this is someone I call a friend. Someone I truly care for. I am incredibly sad for him. I know he will lead the healthiest life possible and I almost bet he'll outlive me. I know he'll lead an almost perfect life. But to know that he's positive and to know that it will still take a toll on his bod makes me so mad. Not at him, of course, but at the disease. It's such a horrible, horrible disease that's completely incurable. Sure, there are meds out there that will delay the inevitable, but, ultimately, his end will not be a pleasant one.

I have told him that I loved him and that I'm here if he needs anything. He'll still be "uncle" to my babies and he'll still be the most beautiful drag queen I've ever seen. He's still J.

But I want to punch that disease in the mouth.

So now I'm going to do what I can to help fight the disease. I don't have much money, nor will I once I have babies, but I'll definitely see what I can do to volunteer at events or something. And I'll definitely be walking in next year's AIDS Walk (provided I'm not hugely pregnant).

If you have the means or the time, I urge you to do anything to help fund research to find a cure.

If you wear make up, buy MAC's Viva Glam products - all proceeds go towards the MAC AIDS Fund.

If you don't wear make up, but you have time to give, find local fund raising events and show your support.

I'd always donate money to the MAC AIDS Fund when J did charity drag shows (anywhere between $40 and $100), but now that the disease has hit so close to home, I want to take a more active role in finding a cure. Obviously I'm not a scientist so I can't find the cure, but I sure as hell can be vocal and raise awareness. The Lord knows my mouth is big enough. LOL.

Thank you for letting me vent, for reading this, and, hopefully, helping spread the word and not letting people forget about AIDS. You never know who could be diagnosed next.