Venti

So I'm officially down 20 pounds since March 4. Actually, I weighed myself on Wednesday, so in exactly 8.5 weeks, I lost 20 pounds. That's a little more than 2 pounds a week. Not bad, I suppose.

I wish I could see it in my clothes. But because I am so tall and wide, 20 pounds doesn't really show. My face is a little less puffy and I do feel that my clothes are a little loose, so that's nice. I just wish I was down a full clothing size already. Yes, I am impatient. LOL.

But I did set my LoseIt program (for the iPhone) to track my caloric intake to have me lose 1.5 pounds a week, so I'm running faster than my goal. That's pretty awesome actually.

I need to get back into an excersize routine. I got sick, then I had a pinched nerve in my back/hip that is just beginning to heal. Keeping up exercize with the calorie restrictions will help a bunch.

There are days where I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have to do it slow and right and retrain myself how to eat properly otherwise I'll gain it all back in a couple years. I am so proud of myself when I make good food choices and can eat a lot on that particular day, I don't know why I can't remember to do that everyday. I have bonus calories today so I am enjoying a glass of wine. But there are days where I barely make my limit and I'm still hungry. One day it'll click and I'll make good choices consistently.

Anyway. That's what's new with me on the weight loss front. Things are going well even if I'm not losing weight super fast. But that's a good thing!!! =o)


Oh..and I do have a confession: I looked at myself in the mirror the other day when I was just in underpants and a bra. I genuinely liked what I saw and I'm afraid that I won't like my thinner body when I get down to 200 pounds or less. I like being curvy and squishy. I wont' ever be a hard body or anything remotely close, but I like my belly. =o)

Sleepy

Last Sunday I bought a bicycle. It's a cruiser style bike. It's orange. I love it. =o)



Behind my house, and all around my neighborhood, there's marshlands that you can bike and walk through. From my house, the trail to get to the marshland starts from the water pump station next door, then goes east towards the bay. It runs behind a park, the golf course, and the airport before getting to the marshland. To get back there, it's about 2 miles. That makes the round trip roughly 4 miles. There are several trails that I want to explore.



Biking is so much fun. I forgot how much I love it. I haven't owned a bike since I was a kid. In the 7 days since I've owned the bike, I've ridden that route 4 times...maybe 5. I wanted to go out today and explore a new area, but it's windy and cold. I did a ride last night and the wind just makes it miserable. I was riding into the wind the whole way home. It makes things that much harder when you're on a one-speed bike. lol. Instead, I did a 3/4 mile run on the elliptical. I think I'll do another one later since I had a 1,000 calorie breakfast (pancakes).

Yesterday I bought a basket for my bike. I want to be able to bike down the street to Mi Pueblo to pick up a few groceries as I need them (or make a Starbucks run) and carry them home easily. The basket has a separate base that is attached to the bike and the basket sits on the base, so it's removable to use as a shopping basket inside the market. How neat! I got a bike lock, too, so my awesome bike doesn't get stolen.

I actually named my bike, too. LOL. I've named her Clementine. Technically my bike is a men's bike, but since it's pretty much standard that all vehicles are referred to as "she" I thought it was appropriate to give my bike a girl name. LOL.

Having the bike has really helped with my weight loss, too. I don't actually own a scale, but I can see it when I look in the mirror. I can feel it in my clothes. Plus I've already seen/felt a difference in my stamina. I don't get so winded walking up 2 flights of stairs at work. =o) That's really awesome.

I'm really liking the LoseIt App for my iPhone. It's really helping me stay under 2000 calories a day. I didn't want to be drastic in my calorie cutting because I'd end up screwing things up and getting discouraged and give up. My plan is to lose weight slowly, get down to 200 pounds by the end of the year. Once I hit 200, then I'll drop my calories again to get down to my goal weight of 175 by the end of next year.

I've always done drastic diets, and failed miserably after 2 weeks. Or a month. This isn't a diet. I'm just holding myself accountable for what I'm putting in my mouth and making wise choices to stay in my calorie count. The other day I actually made poor choices in my lunch and dinner choices and was out of calories for the day, but was still starving at 9pm. Know what I did? I drank water to keep off the hunger, then went to bed. I didn't give in and eat. I was really proud of myself for that.

So that's what's new. I think I'm gonna lay down and try to nap. I'm sleepy. My Sunday paper will just have to wait a little while longer. LOL

I'm so bad at this

I'm such a horrible blogger. I could never do this professionally. I guess that's why I have so many readers. LOL.

Anyway...this is what's been going on with me:

After my ER incident, I made an appointment for that same Friday to see a doctor at Stanford about my blood pressure. She put me on 5mg Amlodipine to start immediately. She also did a blood draw to test 500 different things to see if there was any other cause for my blood pressure and obesity (yes, I said it). On Monday morning, I get a call from her office stating that they called in a second script for me to pick up at CVS. It's hydrochlorothiazide which is a diuretic.

So now I'm on 2 meds because I have a family history of high blood pressure that was bound to hit me at some point and unfortunately it hit me way early because I'm fat.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm on pills. I have alarms on my iPhone to tell me when to take my pill. I haven't missed one yet! It's impressive because I am horrible about taking medications of any kind. I mean, I've had a cold for the last 4 days and have forgotten to take my DayQuil I don't know how many times. LOL.

On Monday night, at about 9:30, my electric water heater shorted out and caught fire. I was watching TV when I heard a couple of pops and some hissing. It took me a minute to figure it out, but then I saw my water heater on fire. I ran into the store office to grab a fire extinguisher, then put it out. I was so freaked out I don't even remember finding my phone to call 911. I was grateful that I still had a bra on when the fire department showed up. They were hotties! The fire was tiny. The worst of the damage was that my entire house ended up covered in Chem Dry from the extinguisher. It took a few days to clean up the entire mess, but only 1 to get a new water heater.

Believe me when I say I prayed to the Lord that night for allowing me to be home when that happened. If I wasn't, I would have lost everything, including my cats, and the business would have caught fire.

I was supposed to have a follow up doctor's appointment on Tuesday, but had to deal with the fire situation and wait for the plumbers to replace my water heater. It's been rescheduled for this Thursday morning. I do feel like the meds are working. I don't feel hot all the time. I feel normal temperature now. And I haven't had a headache in a week!

This week I've also started monitoring my calorie intake and working out on my elliptical. I downloaded the LoseIt app for my phone and am tracking everything. I set the weight loss pretty low so that I have a realistic expectation for weight loss. 1.5 pounds per week. My daily budget is still 2100 calories. Honestly, using this app has made me realize just how much I over eat. I knew I did already, but this pretty much slapped me in the face. But I'm eating better. Making wiser choices. I'm measuring food! LOL But I'm doing OK. I think this app may be the best thing to help me in watching what I eat. I'm still eating "normally", but I'm making better choices in how much I eat and making better choices about what I put in my mouth.

On Friday I received a copy of my blood test results. Everything's freakin normal! I don't have high cholesterol or any bad numbers of any kind. I also don't have HIV or Hepatitis.

So this is what's happened to me since my last post. Exciting, huh? ;o) haha.


OH! and I am making plans to hit up Vegas in late September to visit my Las Vegas Girlfriend Joyce. =o) I haven't seen that woman in over 4 years. October 2006 was when I was there last and I got to hang out with her for a night. Now she's gonna get me for 4 or 5 days! I'm so excited. =oD I'm crossing my fingers that I'll bonus this quarter and I can get my plane tickets next month. Woot! Told you I was getting on a plane this year!

Fatty Fatty 2 by 4

So I intended to give blood at the American Red Cross today, but was turned away because my blood pressure was too high. The first time the nurse took it, she got something like 200/115. The 2nd time she got 182/110. The 3rd and 4th time, she got 162/108. Their limit is 180/100 and you have to be under both to give. I couldn't get there.

I quit smoking in June or July and assumed that would lower my BP because it always has in the past. I don't know what's different now, but I am so not happy.

I walked out of the Red Cross office and had to do the walk of shame in front of about 5 other people waiting to donate. I was so emberassed and so depressed. I still want to cry now, almost 12 hours later.

I think I've decided that when I move into my new place, I'm going to go vegetarian and eventually vegan. This is my last ditch effort to change my ways before I find a doctor to get some kind of bariatric surgery. I don't want to end up on a myriad of pills by the time I'm 40. I also don't want to look like my mother in 30 years. I know it's not going to be easy by any means. I freakin love meat and chicken, but if I make myself go vegetarian/vegan, I'll force myself to stop using convenience foods as a crutch. I'll stop looking at vegetables as an option. And going vegan will force me to cut out most junk food, too.

I just can't live like this anymore.


Edited to add: BTW, this has nothing to do with my physical appearance. Frankly, I think I look good. I'm always told I look good and even got told I was beautiful by a perfect stranger this morning. I don't need to lose weight to look good, I need to lose weight so I can live to 100 and continue tormenting people, making more enemies, and loving my friends. ;o)

Taking Control

I'm sure I've mentioned this many times before, but I'm seriously tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my life. I go through the motions of every day, but I rarely feel as though I've lived my day. I just exist. I'm tired of just existing. I really want to start living.

Over on Facebook, I've rediscovered old high school friends and see that all these people that I entered adulthood with have lived so much better lives than I have. No, I'm not trying to compete, I'm absolutely jealous. These people seem to have just done what they wanted and have lived happy lives. I know that everyone has times that are not as great as others, but my rough spot has lasted for years and years.

Now that I'm 30 years old, I can't allow this to continue. I'm not getting any younger here.

Yes, this goes back to that procrastination issue I posted about a week and a half ago. Yes, procrastination got the better of me and I still have yet to get on that damn elliptical. But, in my defense, all last week, temps were near or over 100 degrees and my garage isn't air conditioned. Also, I got pretty beat up at work and ran myself until I was sick. Not so good.

So now begins another week and I'm going to get started on getting myself a little healthier.

I'm also going to try a little harder to find a full time job. I need to do this for me. I thought I'd like staying home and not working or only working part time, but I hate having to ask for money or asking to spend money. I'm a grown adult, I shouldn't have to do this. I want to be free to spend my money how I want to spend it.

Speaking of spending money, I've come across quite a few plus-size fashion blogs (Young, Fat & Fabulous, Fatshionable, Big Gurl Fashion, and Five Favorite Things). These are blogs of average plus sized women who have found great ways and great places to dress their bodies. I want to be more fashionable. It's not that I have bad taste in clothing, I just want to have more of an edge and wear more than just ribbed tank tops and jeans. I also want to learn to wear heels again. LOL. It's been so long since I wore heels on a regular basis, but I really like heeled shoes. It'll help with my coordination, too. LOL.

But I'm getting side tracked (as usual). I want to take control of my life. I want to be selfish. I don't want other people calling the shots. I don't want to be told what my plans are. I want to make my own plans. I want to do my own thing. Being a people pleaser has gotten me in this situation and it hasn't made me happy.

I'm taking control. I'm going to make myself happy.

Rockin The Beer Gut

Just saw this on CMT. Hooray for girls with a little extra love around their waist!!

Procrastination

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? That's always been my motto. I consider myself to be one of the greatest procrastinators of all time. I've always been this way. If I'm told I have a deadline for something, I wait until the 11th hour, if I even do it at all. School homework was often late. Work projects are completed minutes before they need to be turned in. Most of the time my procrastination was never an issue, just maybe a small kick in the pants when I got something done late and got into trouble for it.

However, I've come to realize that my procrastination has really caught up with me and I'm not happy.

I'm an SA advocate and novice activist. SA is Size Acceptance. It's taken me a long time to learn to love my body and accept that I'll never be a size 2, or even a size 10. It really does take a lot of work to get to this place - to see myself as being beautiful when society tells me I'm disgusting.

While I do have a strong belief that genetics and hormones have aided me in becoming the size I am, I know that what I put into my body doesn't help and neither does my lack of exercise. That being said, I do need to state that my cholesterol is just fine, as is the rest of my bloodwork. Yes, I do have slightly elevated blood pressure, but that is due to the fact that I am a smoker. So, while I may be out of shape, I am not unhealthy.

What has gotten me upset is that I weighed myself recently and discovered that I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought. I am now greatly aware that my belly sticks out farther than my breasts. 20 pounds ago, that wasn't the case.

Now, where does the procrastination come in, you ask. I have an elliptical machine in my garage. It's collecting dust. I haven't used it once since we moved last November and have used it less than a dozen times since I bought it from a friend 2 years ago. I always say "Oh, I'll start using it tomorrow." or "I'll start my exercise program on Monday." Tomorrow and Monday always comes and goes and I have yet to set foot in my garage to use it and now it's caught up with me.

I hate exercising. It's really the bane of my existence. But I know that exercising makes me feel better (once the burn wears off), I have more energy, and my mood is greatly improved. But I have no energy to get down there in the first place. At least, I think, I've found motivation - to make my belly smaller than my boobs again.

I'll never be skinny, nor will I ever be thin. I'll always be "thick" or fat. It's a fact of life, and that's just fine with me. I just don't feel good where I'm at right now. My first goal is just to get back under 250. Idealy, I would like to weigh under 220, but we'll see how getting under 250 goes. Although, to be honest, I don't really care what I weigh. I don't give a crap about that number. It's the fact that I look down and see belly first, not my toes.

The number that I actually do care about is my pant size. I currently wear a size 22 (which, oddly enough, is what I wore 20 pounds ago. LOL. That's how I didn't even notice I gained weight!!) in pants. My top size did go up, though. I'm now in a 3x top. That bugs me. I would like to get down to a 1x top and a "teen" pant size; out of the 20's.

And this is where you come in! I need help. I need people to be on my ass about getting some of this weight off. I need help to get my ass downstairs, into the garage, and onto the elliptical. I do have some inspiration (Jen @ The Amazing Trips, Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew?, Gen @ The McNulty Quads, and Emily @ The Wright Five) for not just sitting around on my butt all day. These women are either on weight loss journeys or are training for marathons and walks for cancer research. Jen's What's In You Wednesdays always strike a chord in me, but I never do anything about it. It really eats at me just how lazy I am.

I don't want to do that anymore. A year ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV and I pledged to do the AIDS walk this year. I didn't do it. I've always wanted to do the Bay to Breakers. I never have. I want to do the Avon 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I never have. I know I don't have to be skinny to do these things, but if I get my energy up, I can do them. If I stop being a procrastinator I can do them.

So maybe now that I've put this out there for the world to see, I'll hold myself accountable and stop putting things off for tomorrow. I know it'll be hard work, but I can't have this mentality anymore. It's caused me to miss out on a lot of things/people/stuff and I don't want to continue on that path.

Perhaps I'll start "Motivation Mondays" and blog about my progress with my procrastination issue. Maybe if I just work at keeping things in the forefront of my mind (and my blog) I'll be more likely to stick with working on this and not just give up after only one or two tries. We'll see how this goes, but hopefully even this entry will be motivation enough.

Wish me luck!

Fat Ass!!

Ok, so I just need to vent for a minute.

I'm watching yesterday's Oprah. Her featured guest is Kirstie Alley. The topic: Kirstie's weight gain after she lost 75 pounds on Jenny Craig.

Why am I upset? Because this is just further telling women of the world that we are worthless if we aren't a size 2! This is absolutely disgusting. We've watched Oprah's weight go to extremes in both directions over the 20 years she's been on television. We understand that women struggle with weight issues, but why is that?

BECAUSE SOCIETY TELLS US WE'RE EVIL, DISGUSTING SLOTHS!!!

This isn't true!! Women were once praised for having curves - it was a sign of health and wealth. Now women who are so skinny that you can see their ribs and their collar bones, hip bones, and shoulder bones stick out are the ones that we are supposed to aspire to be.

It's complete bullshit!!

Everyone's body is different. Not everyone can actually be a size 2. Or even a size 4. Hell, not even a size 10! Not every body wants to be that weight!

I've struggled with my weight nearly my whole life. Since I was 10, I've been called every fat name in the book because I wasn't "normal" or "attractive" to other people. It wasn't until I was far into my 20's that I realized that if someone doesn't like me for what I look like, then they can go somewhere else!

My body likes to hover around 250 pounds. Now I realize that I am out of shape. I can't run a 5k. Hell, I can't run 50 feet. But why do I need to run 50 feet unless it's from some axe murderer? I've had bloodwork done. My cholesterol is just fine! My triglycerides are just fine! The ONLY issue is that my blood pressure is slightly elevated, but you know why? Because I smoke. Yes I plan on quitting, but that'll be on my own time.

My body is just comfortable at this weight.

I once weight 195 pounds. That was when I was 18 and I spent the summer before my senior year at fat camp. I worked out 6+ hours a day and ate 1100 calories a day. THAT'S NOT REALISTIC!! I have to fight so hard to be skinny to appeal to the world, but you know what? I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WORLD SAYS!! AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!

If you feel the need FOR YOURSELF to be thin because it's what makes YOU feel better, then do it. But do it for yourself and yourself only! Do not do it for someone else!

Often I do wish that I weighed less, but only by 10 or 15 pounds (cuz that's what I've gained since I stopped working and my pants are a little snug). Occasionally I wish that I was a size 10, but that's ONLY because finding cute clothes in larger sizes can be difficult (but that's going to be less of an issue once Revolution1228 is launched!!).

But, honestly, 95% of the time I am perfectly happy with the way I look and often think I'm hot.

Now, all that being said, if you're at an unhealthy weight - where you can't walk or drive a car or your cholesterol is through the roof - then obviously you need to lose a few pounds for your health. But if you're overweight AND otherwise completely healthy, then take a good look at yourself and tell your reflection that you are beautiful and you don't need to change!

I'm so sick of seeing so many women put themselves down because they're not thin enough for some guy, or not thin enough to be an entertainer, or not thin enough for any reason influenced by the outside world.

The number 1 opinion about yourself that you should value is your own.

BFN

Once again, Aunt Flo has shown up. Ironically enough, it came the night after Riki's baby shower. LOL. Go figure.

So with this next round, I'm going to be a little more aggressive. I haven't been entirely vocal about my wants with this process, so I'm going to grow a backbone. LOL. I'm going to suggest M get his sperm count done and we're going to do more insems. I should be ovulating sometime the week after Palm Sunday (April 5), so I'm going to have us do insems on the Saturday before Palm Sunday, then on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. The 6th is day 15 of my cycle and I've been ovulating on day 15 or day 19...or somewhere in between. So I figure starting on CD13 should give us a good start, then go every other day for a week. That'll definitely increase our chances of getting preggo this month.

I was just realizing last week that this is the first thing I've done where I've gotten repeated failures and haven't just thrown my hands up in the air and given up. I want this so badly, but at the same time I'm just so frustrated that it's way more difficult than I had anticipated. I mean, there's a reason I'm still fat - because it takes too much work to get thin. I don't entirely over eat or eat a lot of junk, I'm just fat. My body works against me to stay this weight (around 250). Seriously. LOL. My body fights weight loss like nobody's business. After I have my babies I'm going to look into getting a gastric band. That'll help me stay active with the babies to help keep them fit as they grow up. They are going to start off in the black, so I have to be proactive (M used to be almost or even over 400 pounds and had gastric bypass surgery a few years ago. He also has diabetes.). I'm already knowing they're going to be in gymnastics, dancing, and outdoor sports. lol.

So that's the plan as it stands for now. As usual, I'll keep you updated. ;o)

Blah

So the deeds have been done. We'll find out in 2 weeks. I'm not confident anymore. We'll see what happens, but I'm not holding my breath on this one. If this one doesn't take, we're trying a different ovulation kit than what we've been using. Hopefully we'll find one that's more accurate (I think I mentioned that already).

But I'm sitting here...with the "stuff" in place"...and I'm just feeling very blah. Very down. I know, I know. Don't count my chickens before they're hatched, but after 7 tries, it's hard to stay upbeat.

Miguel did mention that he may get his sperm count tested. I said if this one doesn't take, it'd be a good idea. It's a start - if he's fine, then we know it's either a timing issue, or it's me. But I have been pregnant before, so I know it's possible. But, I was about 60 pounds lighter than I am now, so perhaps that does have something to do with it.

I had grand aspirations to lose some weight before we started this baby making process, but never did. I always find some excuse to not do it. But, just a few minutes ago, I was thinking that I should just set an alarm on my phone to go excersize. I hate excersizing, so I think what I'll do (and I told Jenn this a week or two ago...but, again, I never got around to it) is just put the TV on the music station that has the dance music and dance around like a fool for a half hour or so. LOL It'll get me in a good mood, be fun, and help me maybe lose some weight.

At the very least, I need to get in a good mood and get my blood flowing. Losing weight would just be an added bonus. I just need to tell myself to quit making stupid excuses, that the internets will still be there when I'm done, and the world won't fall apart if I do something for myself.

I'll let you know how it goes. LOL