Money sucks, man.

So it's been a couple months since I last updated. I've been wanting to wait until I had difinitive answers to relay.

Back in June, I went to the girlie doctor and ended up with an abnormal pap. I had to go back for a procedure called a colposcopy. The doctor took a few samples of my cervical tissue for further testing. That came back bad. I was diagnosed with Cervical Displasia. It was in Stage 3, which is one step back from pre-cancer. 2 months after this all started, I was able to finally get things taken care of. I had a LEEP procedure on 8/8 that removed all affected tissue from my cervix. My doc did take just enough tissue to remove the bad cells, but left plenty of tissue that I shouldn't have any issues carrying children at some point.

I'm glad to be in better health, especially since I had no clue I was sick. Unfortunately I am now in incredible debt. I owe K.aiser $1800 in medical bills from these labs, plus my psych evaluations. I also finally got my bill from my Stanford ER visit. That's another $1200.

I also totalled the truck last month. Well, it's still driveable, but not entirely safe. I am doing minimal driving right now until I get my next bonus payout. At that time, we're selling the truck for whatever we can get and my parents will help me with a bit of money to buy me a car. I'm aiming for one that's less than 10 years old. It'll also be a sedan or compact, hopefully a manual transmission, and be good on gas. I'm thinking a Nissan Versa, Altima, or Maxima, or a new version Volkswagon Beetle. Those are my top choices. Hell, even a Dodge Neon like my dad has. But not the sport version as the shocks are horrible. LOL.

In the accident, I collided with an Audi and my insurance only covers $5000 in damages. There wasn't a whole lot of damage (she was able to drive to the side of the road, though her radiator was busted), but I'm sure it'll total more than $5000. Thankfully no one was hurt, but now I"m scared that I'll get sued for the balance of the damages. =o( I'll just have to wait and see on that.

So in that respect, my life sucks balls. Everything else is going pretty well, I suppose. My new friends are fabulous. I can't imagine life before Brittany. She is absolutely amazing. She's like the perfect friend for me. I went to hang out over at her house the other night to play cards. I don't think I've ever done that before! She grew up doing it and loves it but her husband doesn't play cards. She taught me a couple games. I had beginners luck and kicked her ass. LOL. It was fun. It's so nice to be friends with someone who doesn't use you.

My Twitter family is just awesome. I've made some good friends and I'm constantly meeting new people. It's great.

Anyway, that's all I have time for today. I'm trying to get my house clean so I can pull out the Halloween decorations. Hope you all are having a safe and fun Labor Day Weekend!

How do I remember to breathe?

So I've kind of fucked myself again with money. I am so stupid when it comes to money.

My registration is now late because I was too short on cash to pay it. Granted, I had $180 in copays over the last 2 weeks that I had to pay for doctor's appointments that I shouldn't have had to pay (I was supposed to get a reimbursement card, but never got it), and then didn't have enough money to pay the smog and registration on the truck.

I still owe my dad the last payment on the truck, too.

I don't get paid until Tuesday, but I still won't be able to register my car until the following Monday when I have the day off to get the smog and go to DMV.

I have no idea how I'll be able to get to Vegas. I think I might have to postpone until later in the year so I can see how my money situation goes. You have no idea how disappointing this is. I was trying to bump up the date so I can go to a concert on September 9th but it's just not going to happen. I just have to focus on the now and worry about my trip later.

I hate that I always feel the need to spend spend spend when I know I'm already tight on money. It's so stupid. I told my therapist about it (for those not in-the-know, I started going to therapy) and she thinks that it's not anything too serious yet since I'm not racking up credit card bills (but that's only because no one will issue me cards anymore). I just have that need for instant satisfaction. It can be with anything, too. Clothes, food, coffee, a book, a movie, shoes. It doesn't matter, but I have to spend all the money I have, I can't save it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Part of me wants to stop buying the fancy food and eat crap. But I feel so much better with all these veggies in my body! I ate fast food a few days in a row last week or the week before and my system still isn't right. I can't do that. I've grown almost addicted to my breakfast smoothies (fruits with slim fast and greens), but those don't even cost that much, especially since my frozen fruit comes from the dollar store.

Ugh. I just have to get the registration taken care of and the smog, and then I'll worry about the rest. I'm trying not to drive much so I don't get a ticket, but I am so nervous I'll get caught. I can't afford a ticket!

Making Improvements

So I've been going to doctors a bunch lately to get myself healthy. With medication, my blood pressure finally has a normal reading. That's the first time pretty much ever in my life. LOL. My new Kaiser doctor upped my quantity for my scripts so that I can have 100 days at a time instead of just 30. But Kaiser also has the mail order option, so I don't have to drive down to the hospital all the time for my meds. I see the girlie-parts doctor in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that I'll be able to start BC pills again so I have 2 forms of defence against making babies with people I'm not dating (or married to, for that matter).

I have been migraine free since I started those meds and I cannot tell you how happy I am. I used to live in fear of those damn things and now I don't even think of them anymore. =o)

I made a friend down here on the Peninsula. Her name's Brittany. She's married and has a 2 year old. She and her hubby invite me over for dinner and movie nights sometimes. B and I go get pedicures and stuff. I babysit for them sometimes. I really like them. It's been a long time since I've made new friends because I'm not easy to get along with. Plus, you know, I don't like people. LOL But B and I have this "me, too!" syndrome and it's awesome. They're giving me a punk musical education every time I go over, and B is introducing me to her favorite movies.


Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Holy hell I am old! LOL I spent it up in Sacramento like I did last year. The difference this year: I got to spend time with my ex-stepdaughter. Austin's daughter lives with him now and she's 15 freaking years old!! When the hell did that happen? LOL. The best thing is we fell into a comfortable conversation very quickly. She knows why I wasn't around all these years (because of her parents - her mom not allowing me to see her and all the times I fought with her dad and disappeared). She still loves me and I love her. She's turning into an awesome adult. Granted, she's still a sullen, cynical teenager, but still. LOL. She's so not her mother, but she is so her father. LOL. I don't know which would have been better. Before I even got to the house on Sunday, I guess she was already telling her dad that she wanted to invite me to her Sweet 16 party in December. I haven't seen this kid since she was 9 and she's just welcoming me back into her life like there wasn't any time missed. I cannot explain how happy that makes me.

I guess that's the big stuff. I'll try to post more often. ;o)

Perfecting how to put a game face on

This is my current theme song right now. It helps me get through the day.





I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Chorus:
Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still

Chorus

How long, in another space and time
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long, did I know so hard to find
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

C'mon
Whoa Whoa X6
But I still walk on

Venti

So I'm officially down 20 pounds since March 4. Actually, I weighed myself on Wednesday, so in exactly 8.5 weeks, I lost 20 pounds. That's a little more than 2 pounds a week. Not bad, I suppose.

I wish I could see it in my clothes. But because I am so tall and wide, 20 pounds doesn't really show. My face is a little less puffy and I do feel that my clothes are a little loose, so that's nice. I just wish I was down a full clothing size already. Yes, I am impatient. LOL.

But I did set my LoseIt program (for the iPhone) to track my caloric intake to have me lose 1.5 pounds a week, so I'm running faster than my goal. That's pretty awesome actually.

I need to get back into an excersize routine. I got sick, then I had a pinched nerve in my back/hip that is just beginning to heal. Keeping up exercize with the calorie restrictions will help a bunch.

There are days where I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have to do it slow and right and retrain myself how to eat properly otherwise I'll gain it all back in a couple years. I am so proud of myself when I make good food choices and can eat a lot on that particular day, I don't know why I can't remember to do that everyday. I have bonus calories today so I am enjoying a glass of wine. But there are days where I barely make my limit and I'm still hungry. One day it'll click and I'll make good choices consistently.

Anyway. That's what's new with me on the weight loss front. Things are going well even if I'm not losing weight super fast. But that's a good thing!!! =o)


Oh..and I do have a confession: I looked at myself in the mirror the other day when I was just in underpants and a bra. I genuinely liked what I saw and I'm afraid that I won't like my thinner body when I get down to 200 pounds or less. I like being curvy and squishy. I wont' ever be a hard body or anything remotely close, but I like my belly. =o)

You've gotta have faith

I wasn't really sure whether or not I wanted to talk about this in a public forum or not because, for most, and especially for me, faith is such a personal thing. Finding it has been such a journey that I don't think I'll ever have the energy nor right words to express the process correctly.

It's been a long journey for me to come to the feeling and belief of having faith in God and in God's plan. I can remember being 12 years old and having the belief that Catholicism and the bible was a crock of shit. My parents forced me to get confirmed in the Catholic church at 13 years old. I spent my teenage years in Catholic school and going to church only when I was made to because it was a school function. My high school religion teacher taught us that the bible is a book of stories, not to be taken literally. I found this a much easier pill to swallow, however I still couldn't bring myself to believe and to have faith in God and His plan.

I carried this feeling all through high school and into my adulthood...until recently. For the last year or two, when my grandmother started getting really ill, I felt a stronger and stronger internal pull to go to church. I hadn't gone except for a couple of times that I went with Jenn's family for special occasions. Both times I felt so at peace and a part of something inside that church, but I didn't have the strength to follow up on it. Plus all of my friends detest the idea of church in any form and I was afraid of dealing with their attitudes if I started going.

I still haven't gone to church, but since receiving a framed picture of the Virgin de Guadalupe that had been my grandmother's for many, many years, I've begun praying. Having Her in the house gives me peace. And praying has given my soul some weight. I don't feel like I'm floating around, lost in the universe. I don't know exactly where to go from here, but I do feel like I have a connection to something. I feel like I have some kind of purpose.

I feel like I believe.

I can also tell you that I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think I've been heading in this direction for a long time, but had to just find my own way and do it in my own time. I feel good, spiritually. It's really an amazing feeling.

I'm still trying to find a church. All I know is that it's probably not going to be a Catholic church. I've looked into some churches, but it seems that some places require you to be a member and take classes and tithe every week. I'm not so into that. I don't want to be forced into anything. I have to do things on my own, as anyone who knows me can tell you. There are a couple that have piqued my interest, but I'm still afraid of doing things on my own, so it may still take some time to get me in a sanctuary.

The other day a link was posted on the Twitter page belonging to Victoria Osteen, Joel Osteen's wife. I love Joel Osteen. I watched his sermons on Sunday mornings whenever I was up early enough to catch them. The link on his wife's page was a directory of churches they support. There are 2 in San Jose that I want to research and possibly attend.

This is all really new to me, but I did feel the need to share this excitement I feel at finding some faith and belief in God.

And if anyone local wants to take me to your church, I'm game! =o)

Get on your bikes and ride!!

I did another big ride today. It was a gorgeous (albeit windy) day, and I couldn't resist. Plus I wanted to explore another trail.

Here's a comparison map of today's ride (in green) versus my old route (in red):



Huge difference! I think I probably biked close to 8 miles. I probably could have gone longer, but I hadn't eaten and the longer I was out there, the more I was scared that I'd get sick or something, so I came home. There is another branch of the route that goes farther south that I want to try. Maybe next week. I'll be sure to eat that day. LOL.

First stop on my ride was the duck pond. It's actually part way up that red route (on the south side of the airport, not the back side where the original red route is). When I pulled out the first piece of bread, I was mobbed by birds. Pigeons, ducks, geese, and some other little baby bird I didn't recognize, but he ate out of my hand!!

The pigeons got the closest. A few of them actually climbed up on my foot! LOL


This goose came running from the other parking lot 200 feet away. Running geese is a funny sight.


This little guy sat on the bench with me and ate out of my hand.


This is NASA. It seemed kinda far from my house when taking the freeway, but it's really not that far.


One of the days last week, when I first found this trail, but only partially followed it, I saw a military style jet take off from down there. It was pretty cool. I didn't see anyone take off from down there today.

It was a little windy. LOL. My hair has floated outside of the frame of the photo. LOL. Behind me is wetland and those mountains back there are between Fremont and Milipitas on the other side of the bay.


This is an awesome sculpture that I've seen from the freeway (at this point in my adventure, I completed the marshland and was back on the frontage road about 1.25 miles from my house). I was so glad to finally see it up close.


I think I got sunburnt a little but nothing too bad. I remembered my sunblock, though. I just felt a little hot to the touch for a while, but now I'm not feeling any residual heat. Thankfully. =o)

I really loved the solitude of my ride. I had some beautifully appropriate music for most of my ride. It made my experience that much better. I am so glad I decided to break the bank and get my bike. I have had buyers remorse, but then I go out on my bike and remind myself that it was so worth it!

Sleepy

Last Sunday I bought a bicycle. It's a cruiser style bike. It's orange. I love it. =o)



Behind my house, and all around my neighborhood, there's marshlands that you can bike and walk through. From my house, the trail to get to the marshland starts from the water pump station next door, then goes east towards the bay. It runs behind a park, the golf course, and the airport before getting to the marshland. To get back there, it's about 2 miles. That makes the round trip roughly 4 miles. There are several trails that I want to explore.



Biking is so much fun. I forgot how much I love it. I haven't owned a bike since I was a kid. In the 7 days since I've owned the bike, I've ridden that route 4 times...maybe 5. I wanted to go out today and explore a new area, but it's windy and cold. I did a ride last night and the wind just makes it miserable. I was riding into the wind the whole way home. It makes things that much harder when you're on a one-speed bike. lol. Instead, I did a 3/4 mile run on the elliptical. I think I'll do another one later since I had a 1,000 calorie breakfast (pancakes).

Yesterday I bought a basket for my bike. I want to be able to bike down the street to Mi Pueblo to pick up a few groceries as I need them (or make a Starbucks run) and carry them home easily. The basket has a separate base that is attached to the bike and the basket sits on the base, so it's removable to use as a shopping basket inside the market. How neat! I got a bike lock, too, so my awesome bike doesn't get stolen.

I actually named my bike, too. LOL. I've named her Clementine. Technically my bike is a men's bike, but since it's pretty much standard that all vehicles are referred to as "she" I thought it was appropriate to give my bike a girl name. LOL.

Having the bike has really helped with my weight loss, too. I don't actually own a scale, but I can see it when I look in the mirror. I can feel it in my clothes. Plus I've already seen/felt a difference in my stamina. I don't get so winded walking up 2 flights of stairs at work. =o) That's really awesome.

I'm really liking the LoseIt App for my iPhone. It's really helping me stay under 2000 calories a day. I didn't want to be drastic in my calorie cutting because I'd end up screwing things up and getting discouraged and give up. My plan is to lose weight slowly, get down to 200 pounds by the end of the year. Once I hit 200, then I'll drop my calories again to get down to my goal weight of 175 by the end of next year.

I've always done drastic diets, and failed miserably after 2 weeks. Or a month. This isn't a diet. I'm just holding myself accountable for what I'm putting in my mouth and making wise choices to stay in my calorie count. The other day I actually made poor choices in my lunch and dinner choices and was out of calories for the day, but was still starving at 9pm. Know what I did? I drank water to keep off the hunger, then went to bed. I didn't give in and eat. I was really proud of myself for that.

So that's what's new. I think I'm gonna lay down and try to nap. I'm sleepy. My Sunday paper will just have to wait a little while longer. LOL

LA LA Land

I spent the weekend in LA visiting my friend cherrybombrandy. Brandy moved down there last summer and I've been wanting to get down there and visit her. We actually haven't seen each other in 6 years, even though when she lived in the bay area, we only lived an hour from each other. LOL. We were just running in different circles and our paths never managed to cross.

We didn't really have plans other than to hang out so we just went with the flow, got lost a few times, got caught in traffic a bunch of times, did some shopping and a lot of walking (I have the blisters to prove it!!).

My diet also went to shit, but whatever. I was on vacation. LOL. But I'm going to have to start a detox tomorrow. LOL.

On Friday night, we were at the shopping center at Hollywood and Highland to check out some shops. I saw some actor pass by us when we were having dinner at Johnny Rocket's, but I can't figure out his name. When I find it, I'll update my post because it's really bugging me that I can't remember his name or what movie it was that I saw him in.

Saturday we went to the FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandise) Scholarship Store and tore that place up. I got 3 tops, and 2 shrugs from Torrid, plus 2 necklaces, a bracelet, 4 or 5 pairs of earings and 3 rings all for $110. Big name retailers donate overstock and sample items to the store and all the proceeds go to a scholarship fund for the FIDM students. I was so excited with my find. I should find out if the FIDM school up here has the same store, too.

That night we went to the Santa Monica Pier. Brandy and I traded boots. She got these over the knee leather boots that are kind of biker-style. I had mid-calf boots with a low heel that were very girly. We made a permament trade, but with a condition that if either of us has need for the other boot, we'll mail them back and forth to each other. LOL. The funniest part is that her over the knee boots came right up just over my knee cap, and my mid-calf boot go to her knees. LOL. Weird. But they weren't the wisest shoe choice as we ended up walking around the shopping district across the street and both ended up with some blisters. It's painful to be hot. LOL.

Yesterday we had breakfast at this awesome French Restaurant/Boulangerie in Culver City. We both picked up some macarons to take home, too. LOL. Then we shopped a little more at Target and Ross while we killed time before we went to the taping of RuPaul's Drag U. Being at a taping of a TV show is really interesting, but there's A LOT of waiting around. And we couldn't leave because once they started taping, there was no stopping. We all got a chance to pee before we went inside the studio, but then we were stuck for another 3 hours.

Lady Bunny is one of their judges. She's so dirty and so funny and gorgeous! The other drag queens that they have on the show - Carmen, Raven, and Tyra are stunning. I wish I was that pretty. Seriously. It's a crime that drag queens are that beautiful. Other than that, I can't talk about the show. I'll watch the website and let you know when the episode will be on and maybe you'll get to see me. Hah!

I finally left LA at 9. I didn't have too many stops on the way home, but I still didn't get to Mom & Dad's until 3:45am.

It was a weekend of a lot of adventures, but that's how we like to do it. LOL. Next time I hope the weather is more forgiving. I really want to do the Hollywood sign hike. It sounds tough, but the views look spectacular. Be prepared, Brandy! We're doing it the next time I come down!!

I'm so bad at this

I'm such a horrible blogger. I could never do this professionally. I guess that's why I have so many readers. LOL.

Anyway...this is what's been going on with me:

After my ER incident, I made an appointment for that same Friday to see a doctor at Stanford about my blood pressure. She put me on 5mg Amlodipine to start immediately. She also did a blood draw to test 500 different things to see if there was any other cause for my blood pressure and obesity (yes, I said it). On Monday morning, I get a call from her office stating that they called in a second script for me to pick up at CVS. It's hydrochlorothiazide which is a diuretic.

So now I'm on 2 meds because I have a family history of high blood pressure that was bound to hit me at some point and unfortunately it hit me way early because I'm fat.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm on pills. I have alarms on my iPhone to tell me when to take my pill. I haven't missed one yet! It's impressive because I am horrible about taking medications of any kind. I mean, I've had a cold for the last 4 days and have forgotten to take my DayQuil I don't know how many times. LOL.

On Monday night, at about 9:30, my electric water heater shorted out and caught fire. I was watching TV when I heard a couple of pops and some hissing. It took me a minute to figure it out, but then I saw my water heater on fire. I ran into the store office to grab a fire extinguisher, then put it out. I was so freaked out I don't even remember finding my phone to call 911. I was grateful that I still had a bra on when the fire department showed up. They were hotties! The fire was tiny. The worst of the damage was that my entire house ended up covered in Chem Dry from the extinguisher. It took a few days to clean up the entire mess, but only 1 to get a new water heater.

Believe me when I say I prayed to the Lord that night for allowing me to be home when that happened. If I wasn't, I would have lost everything, including my cats, and the business would have caught fire.

I was supposed to have a follow up doctor's appointment on Tuesday, but had to deal with the fire situation and wait for the plumbers to replace my water heater. It's been rescheduled for this Thursday morning. I do feel like the meds are working. I don't feel hot all the time. I feel normal temperature now. And I haven't had a headache in a week!

This week I've also started monitoring my calorie intake and working out on my elliptical. I downloaded the LoseIt app for my phone and am tracking everything. I set the weight loss pretty low so that I have a realistic expectation for weight loss. 1.5 pounds per week. My daily budget is still 2100 calories. Honestly, using this app has made me realize just how much I over eat. I knew I did already, but this pretty much slapped me in the face. But I'm eating better. Making wiser choices. I'm measuring food! LOL But I'm doing OK. I think this app may be the best thing to help me in watching what I eat. I'm still eating "normally", but I'm making better choices in how much I eat and making better choices about what I put in my mouth.

On Friday I received a copy of my blood test results. Everything's freakin normal! I don't have high cholesterol or any bad numbers of any kind. I also don't have HIV or Hepatitis.

So this is what's happened to me since my last post. Exciting, huh? ;o) haha.


OH! and I am making plans to hit up Vegas in late September to visit my Las Vegas Girlfriend Joyce. =o) I haven't seen that woman in over 4 years. October 2006 was when I was there last and I got to hang out with her for a night. Now she's gonna get me for 4 or 5 days! I'm so excited. =oD I'm crossing my fingers that I'll bonus this quarter and I can get my plane tickets next month. Woot! Told you I was getting on a plane this year!

Doctor, doctor, give me the news

For those of you not on Facebook, I spent most of yesterday at the Stanford Emergency Department.

I had another one of those allergy-welt attacks and this one was bad. When it started to come on, I took a double dose of Benadryl just like I always do, but it continued getting bad. I took a shower to try to cool myself down and try to get rid of the allergy, but that didn't help. While in the shower, I also realized I had some swelling in my throat. That's when I decided to take myself to the ER.

This time I didn't get lost going to the hospital. Navigating Stanford was not easy, but I followed the sinage a little better and was able to easily find the entrance. I went in (through security who had to check my bag and scan me for metal on my person) and was seen right away. Well, that's not true. I was triaged immediately and was given a bed, but it was another 30 minutes until I was seen. In their defence, I was already on the decline when I went in, but still had throat swelling so I went in anyway. I'm glad I did. It was real eye opening to me.

I got there sometime around 11sih and around 2, I was finally given some Predisone and Pepcid. I then got the option to drink a liter of water or have an IV put in. I opted to drink the water and sucked it down in 15 minutes. LOL. I was told not long after that I would be going home soon.

Then they checked my blood pressure. When I was triaged, my BP was about 200/140. Not unusual when I'm in the midst of a mild panic attack due to an allergic reaction. When they checked it around 2:30, it was only down to 195/120. Because of this, they kept me for observation. They couldn't send me home until they felt it was safe. At 4:45, I had only come down to 180/119, but the attending didn't feel the need to keep me anymore. She said that they couldn't diagnose me, officially, as hypertensive because it could have just been circumstantial, but because I did admit to having a history of borderline-high BP, she insisted I find a primary care doctor and get the BP checked out asap and get a referral to an allergist.

She also suggested the possibility that what happened to me was not an allergic reaction, but it could be a carcinoid which is a tumor-like growth that kind of mimics allergy symptoms. Going to an allergist will either confirm or reject this idea. (In all honesty, I'm thinking this or something like it is the culperate here. These allergy attacks have no obvious source or trigger.)

I don't like the thought of having to see a ton of doctors all the time now, but I want to see 40, so I'll bite the bullet and do it.

I also got a prescription for an EpiPen. Did you know those things cost $85?? Me either. Craziness. So now I have to carry one around with me all the time just in case. I never had allergies until the last few years. This kinda sucks.

My head is always killing me, too. This is because of my elevated blood pressure and steroids. Tomorrow is the last day for the Prednisone, so hopefully the headache will be gone by Thursday. I'm not sure if I should take anything for it, so I'm just living with it right now. Thankfully tomorrow's the first of the month, so work should be real easy.

So now I have an appointment with a doctor on the Stanford campus. I opted to find someone there so they could have easy access to my ER records. Friday morning at 8am. It should be one of the first of the day, so I can still get to work on time.

Why is it that my health issues can't be small? They've always got to be something big. =o\

What you mean he don't eat meat? That's OK. I make a lamb.

What's up my fellow bakers?

I come today, bearing a wonderful gift: My Birthday Cake. This is the cake that my mom has made for most of my birthdays over the last 31 years. I am still trying to perfect the execution, but I'm getting better every time. LOL.



Doesn't it look tasty?

This cake is made with Pistachio Pudding! It's also kind of a weird green color, but trust me: It's delicious.

Here we go...

The ingredients:



1 white or yellow cake mix
1 pkg pistachio pudding mix
4 large eggs (I only had jumbo, but that's just fine)
1/2c orange juice (no pulp please)
1/4c water
1/2c vegetable oil
3/4c chocolate syrup
powdered sugar (or, if you don't have any like me, use chocolate frosting)

Combine the first 6 ingredients and mix well (I used my hand mixer for a couple minutes).

Then pour 1/2 - 2/3 of the batter into a prepared bundt pan.



Take the chocolate syrup and mix it into the remaining batter



And pour it on top of the original batter. Don't mix it! Let the magic happen on its own.



Place in a 325 degree oven and bake for 45 - 50 minutes. When a toothpic comes out clean, let it cool in the pan, on the counter for an hour. Then you can turn it out.

When it's completely cool, dust with the powdered sugar. That's the traditional way. But since I didn't have any in the house, I took some frosting that's been in my fridge for about 2 months and melted it down. I drizzed about a 1/4c of chocolate frosting on top.

When you cut it open, you see the magic:



Truth be told, I was impatient and cut into the cake while it was slightly warm, so it was a bit crumbly. It's best if you make this early in the day so it's nice and cool by the time dessert rolls around. lol.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!

See you later.

We buried my grandmother today. We met the family (my aunts, uncle, cousins, great-aunt, and my mom's cousins..about 15 of us total) at the San Joaquin County Cemetary in Stockton. We didn't have a priest or anything. My mom's cousin's wife said a lovely prayer and a few people shared stories of my grandma, then the cemetary guys put her urn down in the grave with my Great-Grandma Lupe (grandma's mom). My aunt Kathleen brought calla lilies for us to each toss down to my grandmothers. There were tears, but there was also some laughter.

I'm still processing the finality of everything. On Sunday she'll have been gone 2 months.

The buriel was planned for today because it's my Great-Grandma Lupe's birthday. I believe she would have been 104 or so. She's been gone 20 years. My grandfather's birthday was yesterday. He would have been 78. He's been gone 30 years. We didn't visit his grave. I'm a little disappointed since he's in the same cemetary.

Whenever I go back to visit my grandma, I plan on finding his grave.

Anyway. Like I said, I'm still processing, so I don't really have anymore thoughts to get out.

Oh..I do think that my grandma said hi to me the other day. I think it was on Monday. I was walking into the kitchen, passing by the windchimes that hang in the opening over the counter between the kitchen and dining room, and the chimes closest to me clinked together. I really don't think I was walking fast enough to create a breeze. I really think it was her letting me know she was here. I was caught off guard for a second and just stared at the chimes. I finally said "Hi Grandma" and went on with whatever I was doing. It was comforting to think she was here with me.

I've always felt my Papa was my guardian angel. Now I think I have 2.

Girl, Interrupted.

My aunt called today to let me know my cousin is in the hospital at Stanford and asked if I wanted to come by and visit. I hate hospitals, but I agreed to go visit. My cousin has been in and out of hospitals for a long time and I wanted to help make her visit a little more comfortable.

The reason she was in there? On Tuesday she went on a bender on Crystal Meth and went bananas. She's in the psych ward on a 72-hour hold (plus the weekend). She might get released tomorrow, but it depends on her behavior. Apparently she got really riled up last night and wanted to beat some people up. She's always had rage issues and has gone to anger management before.

Anyway. She's always had drug issues in the past, but I think my grandmother's death pushed her over the edge. She's been erratic for years, so I think my grandmother's passing was the catalyst for a breakdown.

Sitting in there with her, watching some of the other patients scared the crap out of me. I could very well end up in some place like that at any time. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to keep a breakdown away. I've always been on the edge, but I guess I'm stronger than I've always thought.

This also just makes me realize how crazy my family is and how sheltered I grew up. Craziness runs in my family. On BOTH sides. It's no wonder my aunt, cousin, and I are all screwed up. We never had a chance.

So, on my way home, I picked up a few things to feed my vices: cigarettes, fast food, and ice cream. No, they don't make me feel better in the least. They make me feel crappy. But at least I'm not doing meth. Or cutting (though the night's not over).

Cheaters never win

I am so frustrated with the people I work with. Our boss has us keep a log to track our performances and there are things on this log that people are cheating on or being unethical in order to have high numbers. I refuse to compromise my integrity to be at the top of the list.

I have always prided myself on being an upstanding and honest employee. I am so angry to see, on a daily basis, people lie and cheat just to make other managers (like myself) look bad. 

Of course our bosses have no idea, nor do they even care. All they see are the numbers. Well, frankly I'd rather have poorer sales numbers and an awesome occupancy rate and prove myself that way.

The occupancy rate at this store was always around 88% during the slow season. Since the first day I got here, I have been reeling people in and have held a 92% occupancy rate. That's not common for this property.

I wish that there was some sort of regulation on the information managers are giving every month to verify that their info is true. Unfortunately that's not the case so these people will continue to get away with cheating. It pisses me off that there's nothing I can do. 

Adventures are a-comin!

So this is the year of adventures! I'm creating my own fun.

Adventure number 1 is in the works: A roadtrip to L.A. to see Brandy next month. I'll be going down on a Friday and come home Sunday. I'm so excited!! I've never gone so far by myself. I've only driven 2 hours alone. This will be fun. I already ordered a car charger for my iphone. LOL. My dad has offered me the use of his car for the trip because it'll go faster and use less gas than the truck. LOL.

I wish I'd have time to see my other friends like Tiffany, the Dans, and meet Tammie (one of my fake internet friends). But I think they'll have to wait for another trip. I haven't seen Brandy in about 2 years I think. And she was only 25 or 30 miles from me the whole time we've known each other! LOL.

I'm also starting to plan my next adventure...Vegas in June. I haven't seen Joyce in I don't even remember how many years. I may rent a car for that one, but I'll save up my PTO and I should get another bonus paid out in April. I make my last car payment to my dad in May, and will have all my money to myself starting in June.

I'm so excited for this year. You have no idea! I'm sure I'll have plenty of mini adventures, and the big ones will be few and far between, but there will be adventures! =o)

I've decided that I need to fly on a plane this year. I just don't know where the funds will come from or where I'll go yet, but I'm going to fly on a plane!

Green is Good

So I was recently introduced to freecycle.org and I am in love with it. I love this idea of free "swapping" items you don't need or want anymore. People post things such as beds and couches, tables, yarn, tv's, vases, picture frames. It's a wonderful thing.

I think with my simplified lifestyle I'm much more into recylcing and reusing items.

So far I've gotten contacts (enough for a 3 months supply!), and I just picked up some yarn today. I've also given away a tv and vcr.

I do have to admit it's strange to exchange a single email with someone and have them give you their address to pick up items they placed on their front porch for you. LOL. It's a little frightening and a complete adrenaline rush. LOL The yarn I got today was on someone's porch, behind a 6' fence! It was weird going onto someone's property that way. LOL.

Anyway, I plan on using this to pick up more giveaways and to do giveaways of my own. It's kind of addictive. ;o)

Moving on

It's been 2 weeks since Grandma passed away. Most of the time I'm fine. I honestly try not to think about her too much because it does get to me that she's not around. Yesterday a customer came by with her 80+ year old mother and I got a little weepy.

Mom and Dad came by today. Mom said she's not sure what's going on with Grandma's ashes. I guess my aunt Kathleen keeps changing her mind or changing the date of when they will bury my grandmother's ashes with my great-grandmother. So I guess we're just waiting around on her. It's not something I'm looking forward to, but it'll help bring closure, I think.

In other news, I'm totally settled in at home. Today I moved my livingroom tv to my bedroom because Mom & Dad brought me my brother's old tv for me to have in the livingroom. It's a 32" CRT type tv. He bought a flat screen last month and donated this one to me. The one in my room is a 27" CRT. I've now got an extra 13" CRT that I need to get rid of. I think I'll list it on freecycle.com. Maybe someone will want it for their dorm or for their little kid's room.

Work is going well. There's talk of more promotions (yes, multiple) happening this year. I'm looking forward to that. I have a reputation that precedes me and it's definitely working to my benefit. LOL.

Anyway...that's all that' new with me recently...Oh no, wait..I forgot...I bought an iPhone last week. LOL. It's an amazing piece of technology. I don't know why I waited so long to get it. LOL. Oh wait...I know...because it was expensive and my contract wasn't up yet. I was finally elligible for an upgrade last month and the iPhone was down to $99, so I caved. Of course this week they're now $49. Bastards. lol. Oh well. This phone is a total time suck, though. LOL. I would spend all my time on my phone if I could. For this reason, I make myself earn time on my phone. I have to clean so much and do so many tasks at work before I can allow myself a few minutes to play with my phone. LOL. I actually think I'm more productive around the house and at work now. haha!

Anyway...gonna finish my movie (The Outsiders) and then watch The Imaginarium of Dr Pernassus or whatever it's called. I've got it on my Netflix stream and heard it got some good reviews.

We are family

Facebook is an awesome creation.

Because of Facebook, this week I friended over 30 family members that I haven't seen in close to 20 years, and even some that I've never met before in my life.

My grandfather Richard Becerra was one of 7 children.



Each of these children grew up and had children of their own. My mother and her sisters have 30+ first cousins.

I've always complained that my mom kept us from our Stockton family and because of Facebook, I can connect with my family and be with them now. I am so grateful.

There's a party on Saturday for my uncle Richie (my grandfather's only son) as he's here on an extended visit from Germany. I would love to go, but it's a 2+ hour drive from my house and I work until 5pm. But thanks to my Tia Sally, I know that I'll be invited to everything from now on and will have many more chances to be with family.

I feel like I'm a part of a real family now, not just some segregated section. I know my mom won't participate at all, but I don't need to wait for her. Now that I feel I have my own connections to my own family, I can see then when I want. I've always been afraid of my mother, thinking that if she's not speaking to family members, then neither should I. Screw that noise. The next Becerra Family Cruise that happens, I'm so on that damn boat! This is my damn family, too.