Goodbye Norma Jean

My grandmother passed away in her sleep last night. My aunt called at 9:45am to tell me. I've been in a fog ever since.

Grandma's been sick for a long time and for the last 2 months she's barely eaten and stopped all meds except for pain. She had dimentia come on pretty fast. I think it may have been accelerated by the chemo from her lung cancer treatment, but who knows.

I went to her house after work. My aunt was there, as were my great aunt (Grandma's sister) and a couple cousins. It was weird to be in her house without Grandma there.

She's being creamated. There's no services right now. They're making arrangements to have my grandma's ashes buried with my great-grandma. That's what Grandma wanted - to be with her mother. She didn't actually want to spend the money, but it's what we're doing for her. I'm glad she's going to get what she wants, but I hate that she'll be in Stockton where it'll be harder for any of us to visit.

My grandma was the greatest. I'm not just saying that because she's my only grandma, or because she spoiled me rotten as a child, but because she was a wonderful person. You couldn't not like my grandma once you met her. She was the sweetest, tiniest person ever (seriously, she's like 4'8") and she was beautiful. And funny.

Whenever I eat fried chicken I think of her. Growing up, she made it for us once in a while, but would steal the skin and throw it away. "It's bad for your cholesterol" she always said. I think that's why I love chicken skin so much - to spite her. LOL.

They're going to sell her house. I hate that. I wish I had the money to buy out my aunts and keep it. But it'll help both of my aunts and my mom a lot to sell it and split the money. For my mom, it'll allow her to retire on time since she'll be able to put money towards her house. The mortgage they have now won't allow my mom to retire next year. My aunt Pamela will be able to buy a condo and, hopefully, not have to worry about paying the bills. My aunt Kathleen...well, I'm not sure...I don't know if she still has a mortgage or not..but she's retired and has always been good with money, so she'll do something smart with it. I'm going to miss that house, though. I grew up in it. But it has to be done.

I'm working tomorrow, but then taking the rest of the week off to help out at my grandma's and just be around for my mom and everyone else. I didn't get to see my mom and dad today, but my aunt Pamela said my mom wasn't taking it so well. When I talked to my mom on the phone this morning, she sounded so confused. I don't blame her. I wouldn't know what to do either. But I'll see them on Friday, if not before. I'm going to spend New Year's Eve at their house. I had plans to be with friends, but now I know that's not a good idea. I'd end up getting hammered and either try to sleep with someone or I'd fall apart. Either way I'd kill the party and I don't want to do that to my friends. In fact, I'm trying right now to control myself so I don't answer (or post) an ad on Craigslist for random, anonymous sex. I get really self destructive when I'm depressed.

I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll toss and turn, but I need the comfort of blankets and pillows. I really wish I had someone to cuddle me, though. That'd be nice.

Death is a part of life. It's a sucky, sucky part of life.

I wish I had given her great-grandbabies. She would have loved that.

Getting to know you..err...me..

The more days that pass since learning about the truth of my Papa's death, the more I actually seem to understand myself.

He was depressed and an addict.

I'm depressed and an addict of a different kind. I don't do drugs, but I sleep around and I eat lots and lots of food.

Depression is genetic. One of my aunts was an addict and she takes antidepressants and has for years. My dad's sister was depressed and killed herself as well (though I know that she was also molested, and I'm sure the two are not mutually exclusive).

I feel so much less alone for knowing these things. As isolated as I felt 3 days ago, I have done an almost complete 180 since then.

I almost feel a sense of freedom with this knowledge. The shock was a burden for sure, but I don't feel weight pushing down on my shoulders quite like it did before.

When I get my new medical cards next month (for Kaiser - ugh!), I'm going to find a primary care physician and get on some meds. 3 people in my family have taken their own lives (that I know of) and I don't want to be the 4th. I'm not dumb. I feel good now, but something else will happen and send me very close to the edge. I need a little insurance that will keep me safe.

::deep breaths::

I've calmed down a lot since yesterday. I'm still very hurt and angry at my parents, but I'm not depressed and suicidal. I was really distraught yesterday.

is right - finding out that information doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change much now I think of my parents either. I already knew they were liars. I think part of me was also hurt because the image I had in my head of my grandfather was shattered.

But finding out about his death and his life, it made me realize why I am the way I am (with depression) and how my aunt came to be a drug user herself. And maybe why my dad has always said that suicide is not a way out. And why my dad is so against drugs.

I think I was also just upset because it's yet more lies that are piled on top of other lies and I'm sick and tired of them not telling me the truths about things.

I do plan on confronting them. Perhaps not next week at Christmas, but another time. I think I deserve some honest answers.

Sorry if I freaked anyone out last night. A good night's sleep and some retail therapy did me some good.

Lies Lies Lies

I went to my grandma's house to visit with her and my aunt today. Mostly visit with my aunt since I knew that my grandma would be mostly out of it. And she was. She's at home for "comfort care". She's home to die. She's on pain meds (morphine) and anti-anxiety drugs (because the morphine kinda makes her loopy and crazy). It's sad to see her so small and fragile (she weighs probably 95 pounds - I lifted her a few times today and she was easy to lift), but I was surprised to find that I wasn't as upset as I'd expected.

My aunt's friend was there for a while, but after about 3pm, I was there with my aunt, just talking and caring for my grandma. In talking with my aunt, I discovered a few things about my family that I never knew. The most shocking thing was finding out that my Papa, my grandfather, didn't die of diabetes complications as I had been told. He shot himself in the head in my grandmother's basement. The second that came out of my aunt's mouth, I had to walk away. I lost it. My mom told me a blatant lie about how he died. At some point, she did say something that contradicted it, so I knew she hadn't told me the truth about it, but to find out that he took his own life put me in a state of shock. I'm still in shock, 2 hours later.

I also found out that he was a heroin junkie.

And that my other aunt had been married, too...to a junkie.

And my grandmother had a second husband who was also a junkie and died from an overdose.

I also got confirmation that my mother had been married before my dad and got divorced because he cheated on her. He had been her high school sweetheart. She'd had a big church wedding and my aunts were her bridesmaids.

I am so angry at my parents for lying to me about everything my whole life. And not just lying, but for acting like life didn't exist before they got together. Did you know that I don't even know my dad's siblings' names? I didn't know I had an uncle until he came here 5 or 6 years ago for the first time (he grew up in Germany). I didn't know I had an older sister until I was 10 and she was 18 and she came to live with us for a couple months.

I have a photo on my refrigerator of my great-grandmother Lupe with her husband, my great-grandfather, and I don't even know his name! (Though now I have proof that I'm part Filipino).

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea who my parents are. Or where I come from.

And now I'm questioning ever finding a husband and having kids. Why would I want to bring someone into a family that lies? Why do I want to be in this family? What the fuck?

I don't know my ass from my elbow right now as I type this.

I want to confront my parents, but don't exactly know how. The next time I see them will be Christmas but at this point, I don't even want to see them at all. I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry. And it took all my strength not to drive myself into a brick wall or a tree on my way home. I'm doing my best not to grab the scissors that are across the room from me and cut the shit out of myself.

So as a distraction, I've put on Eclipse and will do my best to keep distractions going by catching up on FB and my blogs. But I honestly don't know how well that's going to work.

I'm just at a loss. I'm distraught. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. And numb. All at the same time.

Why does everyone I care about lie to me?

The beginning of the end.

I received a Facebook Message from my aunt today about my grandma.

My grandma was put in assisted living because of her dimentia. My Aunt Pamela wasn't capable of taking care of her at home alone anymore. This was 2 months ago. Well, today they brought her home and are bringing in hospice nurses. There's a possibility my grandmother won't live to see 2011. She's refusing meds for her dimentia and her lung cancer (yes, it's back).

I'm not prepared to deal with this. I've been in denial for a long time. I didn't want to believe that I could lose her. I wanted to believe she'd live forever. I wanted my own kids to know her. And now that's all going away. I have no choice but to face it.

I've decided to go visit tomorrow and help my Aunt Pamela out. My other aunt, Kathleen, will be out of town for the weekend (my cousin is coming home from NY for Christmas), so Pamela could use all the help she can get.

This is going to be a horrible Christmas season.

If you're of the praying kind, please pray that she goes peacefully.

Long time no see!

I still don't have internet at my house, so I'm still way behind on everyone's news. I just haven't really had the time or want to set it up yet. I think I'm finally going to AT&T on Sunday to see about getting it set up.

Anyway, life in the new place is pretty awesome. Palo Alto is a beautiful town. The downtown area reminds me so much of Berkeley. The trees change color here! It's been a long time since I've seen that. Even in Antioch, we had evergreens or Palms or something that didn't reflect the changing of the seasons. I am taken aback everyday I go to the bank and drive down the streets lined in yellow, orange, and red trees.

Living alone is nice. My apartment is just 1 bedroom, but I like it that way. There's not as much room to get messy. LOL. Although I do still have about 6 or 7 boxes in my dining area that need to be unpacked. I do have my Christmas decorations up, though! I've got priorities, man! LOL.

Mostly I've been connected to the outside world via Twitter. Occasionally I'm able to get online at Starbucks (like now), or at my parents house, but both are few and far between. In fact, I think this is only the 3rd time I've been online to check email and stuff since I moved down on the 20th of November. It's kind of nice not to be so attached, to be quite honest. LOL.

I've been trying to explore here and there. I found Walmart and Target. I also found a tiny Safeway a couple miles away as well as 2 Trader Joe's. I do have a Mi Puebla grocery store just down the street. I need to go in there and see what Mexican goodies I can find. =o) I'm not too far from Stanford, so I can easily find my way to mix and mingle with the college students. I ran into some 2 nights ago while trying to find a take out place to get dinner. I could definitely pick up a college man while I live here. ;o) I guess that probably makes me a cougar. LOL. Oh well. ;o)

Even when I get my internet access at home, I'm still going to make an effort to get out so I can attempt to make a friend of some kind. Hopefully that won't be too hard. People out here seem really nice. I like that. I'm tired of mean people. LOL.

I'm also looking for a church. It looks like I'll be having Sundays and Mondays as my regular days off, so that'll make it easy for me to go to Sunday Services. A friend of a friend lives one town over and I've asked her advice and help. She's very spiritual and religious, so I'm sure she'll have some insight. I can't really explain my need to find church, but it's there and I need to do it. The good thing is that there are about 15 churches in Downtown Palo Alto. LOL. I think I've found one I liked (online research) and need to work up the courage to go on Sunday. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway...I've been here over an hour now and need to get home and have some dinner. Hope you're all doing well! I'll catch up with you all very soon.

Teenage Dream

I am so far behind with blog reading. I moved into my parents house on October 9t or 10th, I think, and moved into my new apartment last weekend. I haven't had much internet time and don't even have a connection at my new house yet. I have to get DirectTV for my cable and have to get a separate phone/internet account. I haven't had time to do that yet. When I get back online at home, I'll get you a full update. The last 5 weeks have been an adventure to say the least. Hope you are all well. I'll catch up when I can.

Fatty Fatty 2 by 4

So I intended to give blood at the American Red Cross today, but was turned away because my blood pressure was too high. The first time the nurse took it, she got something like 200/115. The 2nd time she got 182/110. The 3rd and 4th time, she got 162/108. Their limit is 180/100 and you have to be under both to give. I couldn't get there.

I quit smoking in June or July and assumed that would lower my BP because it always has in the past. I don't know what's different now, but I am so not happy.

I walked out of the Red Cross office and had to do the walk of shame in front of about 5 other people waiting to donate. I was so emberassed and so depressed. I still want to cry now, almost 12 hours later.

I think I've decided that when I move into my new place, I'm going to go vegetarian and eventually vegan. This is my last ditch effort to change my ways before I find a doctor to get some kind of bariatric surgery. I don't want to end up on a myriad of pills by the time I'm 40. I also don't want to look like my mother in 30 years. I know it's not going to be easy by any means. I freakin love meat and chicken, but if I make myself go vegetarian/vegan, I'll force myself to stop using convenience foods as a crutch. I'll stop looking at vegetables as an option. And going vegan will force me to cut out most junk food, too.

I just can't live like this anymore.


Edited to add: BTW, this has nothing to do with my physical appearance. Frankly, I think I look good. I'm always told I look good and even got told I was beautiful by a perfect stranger this morning. I don't need to lose weight to look good, I need to lose weight so I can live to 100 and continue tormenting people, making more enemies, and loving my friends. ;o)

Home is where the heart is

and currently my heart resides in Concord. In my mom's craft room.

Technically I am homeless as I do not have a permanent address. Thankfully my parents are freakin awesome and are taking me in for a month until I start work at my new store.

Yes, I said new store! I got promoted and will be the resident Property Manager down in Palo Alto. Know who my neighbors are? Stanford and NASA!! Both are within about 5 miles from my store. When I'm down there, I feel my IQ getting higher. LOL. I told my dad that I'm going to hang out in libraries and meet someone smart. LOL

Currently all my stuff resides in a 10x20 storage unit at my new facility. It's weird to think my entire life is packed in boxes and is sitting in, essentially, a garage. I officially take that store in about a month. I'm staying with my current district and store until my DM hires and trains someone new. The sooner the better! LOL. But for now, I'll be sleeping on an air mattress in my mom's craft room and eating homemade food and saving a bunch of money on gas.

For those wondering why I had to move in with my parents this month - Jenn got her other job. She gave me notice last Wednesday and Saturday was the ONLY day I could move before her last day which is this coming Friday. It wasn't very much notice, but oh well, things worked out since I got my new job offer the same day. Plus my mom's been wanting me to hang around more often and now she doesn't have a choice! LOL.

I spent last Thursday and Friday packing, setting up my storage unit, and moving (moving with my dad's help. He's the bomb!!). I'm so freakin exhausted, it's ridiculous (STILL! 3 days later! lol). I do have to go back to the old apartment and clean up a few last things. That'll get done on Thursday, when I have a day off again.

Anyway..that's the newest from me! Hopefully I don't kill my mother at any point over the next month. LOL.

A soldier's coming home

I just had to share this...

On my way home from work today, high on the SF Giants win over the SD Padres and listening to the game review on KNBR 680, I saw oe of those open-backed Army Jeeps driving along. In the back, facing me (behind them, but one lane to the left) were 5 armed soldiers. I noticed the tiny turn signal blinking and slowed to allow room for the Jeep to move over once the car ahead of me pulled away. When the space was big enough, I pointed to the left, signalling to the Jeep driver that he could pull into my lane. Once they got over, all 5 guys in the back of the Jeep waved at me in thanks. It was really kind of awesome.

When I first saw that Jeep, I was really kind of scared. I was thinking "What did I miss while listening to the baseball game?!?!?!" I have no idea, still, what it was or why they were driving around armed and in full fatigues, but I was glad I was paying attention and let those boys through. They made the rest of my day. =o)

How long will I be picking up the pieces

Finally updating on my Awesome-tastic Wednesday!!

My friend Amy and I had tickets to the Pick Up The Phone tour featuring Blue October. Blue October is one of my favorite bands and I've been eagerly waiting for them to come to San Francisco. I'm pretty sure I bought my tickets the second they went on sale. LOL.

While Blue October was in town, they did a short acoustic set at Crissy Field for Please Don't Jump. This group was created to help save a San Francisco resident who sent in an anonymous postcard to Postsecret threatening to throw themself off the Golden Gate Bridge this summer.


At this event, there were speakers from the Suicide Hotline as well as family members of 2 people who took their lives jumping from the bridge and a bridge jumping survivor. He jumped from the bridge 10 years ago today and is grateful to be alive and is working towards building a suicide barrier to prevent anyone else from joining the list of 1500 known jumpers who have died.


Here's one of the songs they sang. Should Be Loved.


It was a very beautiful event. We were invited to sign the banner.



After this event, Amy and I killed some time by hanging out in Crissy Field since it was a gorgeous day, then headed downtown for lunch at Max's Opera Cafe and get in line for the 7pm concert (which ended up being at 8, but whatever). We got really great spots in the venue. We were at The Regency Ballroom. There's no handicap seating (Amy's in a wheelchair), but we got there early enough to get a spot in the front row at the left side of the stage. We were OK there for a while, but this ignorant girl standing in front of Amy kept backing into Amy and accusing Amy of ramming her in the ankles. I almost punched the bitch out. If I hadn't been so excited to see Blue October, I would have. She was so damn rude, I couldn't believe it.

The concert was awesome!! The energy was amazing. Justin Furstenfeld is one of the best performers I've ever seen. He and Jared Leto take the cake. They live their lyrics, but Justin really takes it to a whole new level. He writes everything that he feels. A lot of it is real dark and most of Blue October's fans are people who have experienced a lot of those dark feelings and thoughts he's had. This is the second time I've seen them live and was just as amazed and blown away as the first.

Me and Amy


Justin (we were SUPER close!!!)


Here's my video of "18th Floor Balcony". This is one of my favorite songs of theirs.


After the concert, we waited around back to see if we could maybe get an autograph.....WE DID!! And got pics with Justin!!



He squished his face on my face!!!! OMG! I had my arm around his sweaty back and his was around mine. OMG. Swooooooon!!!!


After that epic day, I have been on a serious awesome letdown. LOL. I don't know how any other show will top this day.

If you want to see the entire day in pictures, click here.

Oopsie Doodle

I wrote these blogs a few days ago and never posted them here. LOL. Here's what's new with me:


Friday 9/17
My allergies are kicking my rear end! I never had allergies growing up. I guess living in Daly City and San Francisco didn't allow much pollen in my life. Living in the East Bay Area has introduced a whole new world to me. LOL. My allergies have been steadily getting worse and worse and this latest change in seasons is killing me. I don't know if this is anything you could ever get used to. I'm trying a new allergy medicine to see if that helps. It's a melt-away tablet that's just the generic Target brand, but we'll see how that works out. In the mean time I have to deal with daily sinus headaches...just when I quit smoking, lower my blood pressure and get rid of my weekly migraines. Oh joy! LOL


As far as moving in with my parents goes: It's not going to happen. My parents agree that we're going to hold that off as long as possible...until it becomes a "have to" situation. In the mean time, I have somehow found extra money to give my parents, so that's a good thing!


Now, with work: I'm still at my non-residential facility, but should be talking to a district manager next week about a couple stores he's got open that have apartments. I'll have to stay at my current store for about another month so we can get someone trained to take it from me (we're short handed, so I can't leave yet regardless if I get the job or not). So please cross your fingers for me that I get this new store! I'm so sick of commuting to work. I'm living in limbo again and want to be settled. The stores that are available are in Palo Alto and Mountain View which are in the southern peninsula area of the bay. I haven't lived in the 650 area code in almost 7 years. It's gonna be weird! LOL.


Tonight I have tickets to see Paramore in San Jose. My friend that was going with me (and bought the tickets as a birthday present to me) is having some medical issues and can't make it tonight. I need someone to go with me. I'm trying to prepare myself to go it alone, but I don't do anything alone, so it's gonna be rough. lol. Any of you want to go? ;o)


So that's what's new with me. I gotta update more. I keep meaning to, but then I put it off until it's too late at night and I want to go to bed. LOL.



Sunday 9/19
So I never did get anyone to take my extra ticket for the Paramore concert...I went by myself. I was really amazed at myself. Before I left my house to drop my stuff off at my parents house, I just decided I was gonna go. That was it. I was going and I'm not second guessing it. So I drove to Concord, dropped my bags off at my parents house, jumped back in my truck and drove to San Jose.

Of course I got lost on the way down. LOL. Sort of. I took my exit in the wrong direction, then I passed up the parking lot and had to make a u-turn. LOL. Oh well. I got there and it wasn't as uncomfortable as I'd feared being there alone. I had a good time. I was actually really kind of glad I ended up alone if I wasn't with Amy because I know the other 2 people that might have taken the ticket would have brought my good time down. Both of those people are kind of snarky (one WAY more so than the other) and would have just annoyed me all night. At least I can keep my comments to myself.

I don't do things like that alone. I've gone to county fairs, movies, the drive in, baseball games, and restaurants alone, but stuff like concerts are a little more of a social thing and I was always really self conscious about going alone. I didn't want to be that lame girl that didn't have any friends. But you know what I realized? I missed out on A LOT of shows because I didn't have anyone to go with me and that sucks. So from now on, I'm not going to be a chicken. I'm just going to buy my ticket and go! Screw everyone else! LOL

Anyway..thanks to those of you on FB and twitter that encouraged me to just go! You guys rock!

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

While having dinner with my family last week, my dad told me he needs to get a part time job to help pay the bills.

Last June, when Chrysler started closing down stores, my dad's GM jumped the gun and laid a bunch of people off including my dad. Luckily my dad found a new job in just 5 weeks, but his new job pays about 40% less than what he was making. Now if my parents were still in their house in Daly City, the rental, this wouldn't really be an issue, but the mortgage on their current home, the one they bought in January 2008, is twice the rent on the Daly City house.

I can't stand the thought of my dad, at 58, having to get a second job because he's getting screwed by his new employer. My dad's current job pays on commission and business sucks, so he's not making enough money, nor is he making even remotely what he deserves. Luckily his employer is changing hands and the new owner is going to make some changes that benefit everyone, but for now, my dad needs to find an additional source of income.

Now, my brother lives there and pays them about $350 a month. I am now finally able to start paying for the truck, so I'm giving my dad $250 a month. Unfortunately my bills are kind of high right now (and I make shit money), so $250 is all I can afford to send right now. But on my way home today, I actually saw my dad on the freeway and we waved as we passed each other. Seeing him made me start thinking about all this stuff and wondering how I can really help more.

The plan I came up with is this: turn off my cable at Jenn's place, box up my stuff, store it here while she still works here, and move in with my parents so I can give them more money (and convince them to get more money from my brother since he can more than afford it). The only bump in the road is my cats. My mom doesn't want my cats there (she keeps offering me a place to stay with them if Jenn gets a new job before I get my own store with an apartment). My mom's not a cat person. If I do this, then I'll have my boss hold off on finding me a resident manager property for a little while and I'll stay at my current store so I can keep the higher pay rate.

Obviously I'd lose a lot of privacy and space, but I think helping my parents is more important than my space. I'm gonna think about this for a couple days, just to be sure I can/want to do this, then approach them with my plan. If they go for it, I'll be able to give them closer to $600 a month (I won't have the cable bill, and my gas expense will be cut in half since they're so much closer to work).

Help. Am I crazy for thinking about moving back home or am I truly doing the right thing? This move also means putting my love life on hold, but it's not really going anywhere anyway, so why not, right? LOL.

I need feedback!!!

I will never be your stepping stone.

So I finally had to give the new guy the official boot. It's being done as I type this, actually.

So I had met this guy on OKCupid.com a little more than a month ago. He messaged me first (which I usually let happen since I have an extremely high fear of rejection), and we hit it off pretty well. We texted for more than a week before we finally met. We spent the day at Starbucks, and 2 different restaurant/bars having drinks and grub. Literally we spent the day together. From noon until midnight. I also broke a huge rule for myself and slept with him on the first date. That was so stupid.

We hung out again a few days later, but because of his schedule, it wasn't until late in the evening (10pm) and we just watched a couple of cooking shows, then slept together again. That was the last time I've seen him and it was like 4 weeks ago. Since then he's been flaky on hanging out - he never wants to make plans because he "doesn't know what he's doing that day", plus he's also been seeing other people. In short, he didn't make the effort to make time for me. He kept expecting me to be ready at any time to hang out with him.

I'm not one of those people that stays date-ready when I get home from work. If I have no plans, I get into pajamas and settle in for the night. It's a whole mindset, it's not just physical. I don't want to go out again if you text me at 8pm and ask to hang out when I've been home for more than an hour, am not dressed, am probably stuffed and sleepy from dinner, and have to get up and redo my face and hair to go out again. Especially when I have to work the next day.

Last week we had a conversation about how I wasn't interested in him anymore because I want to date someone who actually wants to see me and date me, not just come over in the middle of the night to fuck me. I'm not a booty call. In short, he begged for another chance and I gave it to him. I still haven't seen him. Last night we had the same conversation once again and I agreed to see him tonight (inviting him to my house for dinner and a movie). When I woke up this morning, I realized I had been manipulated into giving him yet another chance and I didn't like that feeling.

So I texted him and told him as such and I was done dating/talking to him. He just told me "OK fine. Go back to your dyke gf." Wow. I dodged yet another bullet there! What a tool! I hurt his pride by dumping him and he insults me for having dated women. HAHAHA How freakin pathetic. (He's now trying to tell me that I wasn't anything special and he's got plenty of women to go to. Duh, dude. That's why you had no time for me. LOL. I know you're seeing other people. Why do you think I made you use condoms??) You ARE the weakest link, goodbye!

I had thought maybe this guy would be different as he found me when I wasn't really looking. Yes, I had that profile up on OKCupid.com, but I wasn't using it. I hadn't in a couple months. You know what they say about what happens when you stop looking for love, right? Yeah, I thought that's what this was. Boy was I wrong. LOL

I'm not upset in the least bit, actually. I'm not even really disappointed, per se. I am just chalking it up to being something that was meant to happen (having slept with him lead me to seek out birth control which got me to stop smoking!! My blood pressure was way too high for me to be on the pill, so I quit smoking and I can already feel that my BP is more normal.). Plus, considering I don't know where I'll be living in 2 months time, it's probably best that I don't get involved with anyone so that no one gets hurt when I move. Honestly, don't know if I'll stay in the tri-county area or if I'll be sent to a facility 4+ hours from home.

Anyway..that's the current dating situation. Once again, I tried, but it's nothing special. LOL

News - PIC: Shiloh, 4, Frolics in the Pool - Style & Beauty - UsMagazine.com

News - PIC: Shiloh, 4, Frolics in the Pool - Style & Beauty - UsMagazine.com


Theres all this controversy surrounding Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt allowing their 4 year old daughter to dress like a boy. Who cares? The only thing I see or think when this is brought up is that this child is being allowed to live without being told who to be or how to act. This child is being allowed to live how she feels inside. If she thinks she's a boy, then good for her. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe it's not and she's actually a transsexual. At 4 years old there's no real way to tell, but who are we to judge? I applaud Angelina and Brad for allowing their children to express themselves the way they want and grow up to be the people they are meant to be, not who mom & dad want them to be!

Ugh!

I think I'm just destined to have bad luck with dating.

So I've been talking to someone for a couple weeks now. We met after a week of talking, spent like 12 hours together, had a good time, but I did take him home. That was so stupid and I knew at the time it would be, but I did it anyway. I really expected him not to talk to me again, but he did. I had him over at my house a couple days later. We watched TV and slept together again.

Since then, he continues to talk to me, but it feels strained. It feels like he's too busy to talk to me or to hang out with me. In fact, I asked him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow afternoon since I've been dealing with a migraine today and wouldn't make very good company tonight. He said "Maybe. Dunno what I'm doing tomorrow." And that he wasn't available Friday because he would be getting his son for the weekend starting mid-day. So I asked why we couldn't make plans for tomorrow since he wouldn't be available for several days after that, and his response was "Well I have to work n dunno when I'll be done. Not sure what I'll have to do after that."

Am I wrong, or does that feel like the brush off? I already called him out on the brushing off yesterday because he only ever asks to hang out after dinner time and when I mention that I'm off on a particular day he still doesn't seem to get the hint that I'm telling him I'm off so we can make some sort of plans to hang out.

He's already stated that sometimes he can be kind of oblivious to things like that and doesn't take subtle hinting very well, but, to be honest, either he's REALLY dense or he just doesn't give a fuck if I'm around or not.

I'm so ready to just give up. I don't chase men. That's not my job.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

But my vicodin is kicking in, so I'm gonna head to bed. But first, maybe a piece of cake. LOL

Umm...what?

Haven't done one of these in quite a while....

Here's my WTF video of the year!

Ouch, my freakin head...

So I've been suffering with periodic migraines for several years now. They used to be very infrequent - like once a year. Last year, I think, they started coming about once a month. Over the last couple of months they've been coming once a week. Today marks 2 days in a row. Usually these migraines are worse right before and during my period, so I'm thinking my hormones have a big influence on triggering them. I've actually thought this for a while, but, as per usual, did nothing about it.

This morning I finally made an appointment with Planned Parenthood so I can get my girlie bits checked out and get BC pills. I haven't had this kind of appointment in probably 5 years. I'm thinking it's time. I usually go 3 - 4 years in between appointments anyway. LOL. I'm thinking the BC pills will help with my headaches. I always get the low estrogen onces because they help get rid of my cramps, too. Once my insurance kicks in (in about 4 more months), I'll make an appointment with a regular doctor and get my head checked out. It's not normal that my eyeballs want to jump out of their sockets once a week.

I'm so over these damn headaches. I probably need Imitrex. I'm also going to see if I can get a referral to an ENT and find out if I really do have allergies because some of my migraines stem from sinus headaches. I don't want to be a pill popper now, though. I hate taking pills and always forget (hence the reason I'm never on BC pills LOL)

Or maybe it's just a tumor.

Farther Down

It's so hard for me to post a lot of the time because I hate to be so whiney all the time. For the most part things are going well for me. I don't have much to complain about, but we all know I just love to complain. LOL

Work is going OK. I'm having a rough month so far with business, but there's not much I can control about it. Granted, the "suits" would disagree, but I'm the one who actually works in the store and knows what goes on. I'm dealing. I'm having a little stress that's causing me sleep issues (work stress causes insomnia), but I'm really working on leaving work at the office.

Home life is OK. Jenn's still looking for another job, but isn't having much luck. I feel bad for her cuz I know how much the company sucks. She and I are getting along much better, too. We have a normal friendship now, I think. LOL. We were dysfunctional for so long, in our friendship and with our relationship, that I didn't think we'd ever get to this point. It's nice.

Now my love life is something to complain about. LOL. The latest guy, the friend, is out of the picture. I'm not really surprised, to be honest. I don't expect any one to stick around for long. I did have hope, though, that since we already knew each other and had mutual friends, he wouldn't screw me over. Well, he didn't screw me over...he just screwed me and decided that's all he wanted and walked. This is why I've decided that I'm no longer giving away the milk for free. The next person that wants in my pants is gonna have to buy the damn cow. I'm just so tired of allowing myself to be treated this way. I'm so much better than that and I deserve better.

Physically I hurt! LOL. My leg muscles have been crampy lately and I'm not sure why. Mostly, though, over the last 2 days, my right shoulder and upper back have been hurting like a bitch. I need a full body massage - any volunteers??

That's it for the time being. Hope that wasn't too whiney. LOL.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...more of them!

So tomorrow I officially become a Property Manager with P.ublic S.torage. Woohoo! I got the offer last week, but it actually starts tomorrow. It's not a residential property, so I'm not moving yet, but this gives me the chance to really prove my worth with the company and to my managers. I'm excited. =o)

Also changing...today I dyed my hair blonde. Well, my friend Jeffrey did. He runs the Haus of Vanity from his salon in his home. I think my hair is awesome. He also gave me a sassy new cut. =o) Check it out!




This is the before:



I am very excited. It's a very nice change from what I've been used to. It's my fun summer hair. LOL.

Anyway..That's all that's new from me for now. Whatcha think? ;o)

What's going on?

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I don't have a desktop PC right now and typing on this little Acer is not the easiest when I've got acrylic nails. LOL. Let's just say the "Backspace" key is my best friend right now. LOL

Work has been going well...if you don't count all the stupid mistakes I've been making. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a whole lot and I've only really made one major screw up, but I still feel dumb because of it. I honestly was wondering yesterday if I made the right decision to go back. I know I haven't done storage in a year and a half and I should give myself a break, but I can't help but beat myself up. I used to be an awesome manager and really knew my stuff, but now I feel like such a newbie and I hate it. I know I'll get past it, but until that happens, I'm going to continue feeling this way.

I did make the decision to stop being so damn cocky, though. LOL. Obviously it's not working to my advantage. I also brought home some homework to help retrain my brain and memorize scripts and policies. Hopefully it works because I am not having fun being babysat at work.

In other news, I got the bright idea to become a nurse or medical assistant of some kind. Of course, this means school and I hate school. Maybe dental assisting. That's something I can just go for without GE college classes, right? I dunno. I think I just want an excuse to wear scrubs everyday. LOL. I'm gonna wait to figure that out until I get my own store. I can't handle school with all this commuting going on right now.

I turn 31 in 12 days and have no children, not husband/boyfriend/partner. This is not where my life is supposed to be. I really feel my youth slip away and my chances of having my own children getting slimmer and slimmer. I know, I know, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but that's OK, because if I didn't, no one would. Ok, OK, I'll stop. LOL It's just that having kids is very important to me and I'm just losing confidence in ever having any. I am trying to just take things day by day and see where life takes me and hope and pray I'm headed toward a husband and family. ;o)

Anyway...I'm headed out to the A's/Mariner's game tonight with my friend Daphne. She had a spare ticket and asked if I wanted it. Woohoo! My first baseball game of the season. I'm super excited! Of course I'm a SF Giants girl, but I'll root for the A's if I'm at their game. LOL. Just don't ever ask me to root for the Yankees! haha!

Ooh! And I went to the most awesome concert last week! I saw 30 Seconds to Mars at the Fox Theater in Oakland with my friends Amy and Rania. I thought Blue October and NKOTB put on good shows, but this was flippin awesome! I love Jared Leto. At one point I was just 8 feet from him. OMG, he is such a beautiful man!



It was during this part that I was so close...about 5 feet or so behind the person who taped this. If you have time, go through the rest of the videos posted from them. Awesomeness!!

The next show I'm going to with Amy is to see Stix at the Concord Pavillion next week. Not one of my faves, but it's an excuse to hang out with Amy. She's been a good friend and is one of the mothers to my 3 year old twin nieces. Amy's so funny at concerts. She's got cerebral palsy and is in a chair and totally uses it to her advantage to get great seating and special treatment. Plus she's a total flirt and cons stuff out of people. LOL.

Well, that's about it for now...I'll try not to stay away for so long next time. ;o)

It's just not working

I don't know why I drag things out longer than they need to go on. I know that things with this new guy aren't going to work, but I try anyway. I don't know where the optimism comes from, but part of me is trying to see the bright side of things.

While in the shower a few minutes ago, I started writing this post in my head. I want to explain that I'm not trying to be difficult when it comes to dating. I'm not trying to break hearts. I'm certainly not just trying to get laid. The reason I keep meeting someone new is because I'm looking for that person who takes the air out of my lungs when I first lay eyes on them. I've been in love with 4 people (3 men, 1 woman), and this happened each time I met these people.

With Austin, I was 14 and met him at a school dance. I knew I needed to be with him. With Angel, we didn't even really "know" each other yet, but we met at a bar/restaurant at an LJ Meetup and you could cut the tension with a knife (and I don't think we ever even spoke a word to each other the entire night). With Matt, I met him at work (he was an assistant manager, like me) and I knew there was something about him that made me want to get close to him. With Kraig, the second I laid eyes on him, it was all over. With him, I knew it was definite love at first sight. With the others, it was "in-like" at first sight, but it didn't take long for me to fall in love.

I'm waiting for that to happen again and I honestly feel that I'm wasting my time trying to make something work when I don't have those feelings. I nit-pick and let things bother me more than they should, but that's because I'm trying to make myself like someone that I don't think I could love. And when I do fall in love, all that stupid shit doesn't bother me. LOL I look past it because of the blindness love creates.

I want to be blind. I want to let go of the little shit because I love someone so much that it honestly doesn't matter and/or becomes endearing and cute.

I realize that this is a lot to ask, but, to be completely honest, I'd much rather be alone than in a mediocre or unsatisfying relationship.

Your Neighborhood Storage Expert

So I got a job with P.ubli.c S.torag.e. Not the one I wanted, but I got in. I'll be a "Relief Manager", which is an assistant manager for the district. I'll work where I'm needed until there's a store opening. It's a foot in the door that I'm glad to have.

For the time being, I'll still keep my job with Bath & Body Works and work both part time (the PS job will be at minimum 4 days, hopefully 5), and continue to live on Jenn's storage property.


I did meet someone and went on a couple of dates. So far it's gone well. At the moment, I'm doing the usual freak out after getting a bit intimate, but he's being understanding and I'm doing my best to control the freak out. Normally I start nit-picking and let everything annoy me, but I'm working on it. He's a really good guy and someone definitely worthy of me....at least that I've seen so far. LOL. Time will tell. ;o) But I don't think that there's anything that we've disagreed upon so far. That's really nice. LOL. I'll keep you updated. ;o)

Have a space problem?

So I have an interview Friday morning with a district manager at Public Storage. He's the latest DM for the same district I was a part of when I worked for PS 3 years ago. I think it's a definite advantage that I've worked in 2 of his stores already. I don't have the truck just yet (there's a delay in getting the smog done on Dad's new car), but Dad told me he's going to get me the truck Thursday night regardless if he has his new car or not so I can get to my interview.

Yay! I'm so excited!! =o)

It's been a while...

Wow, I haven't updated in a long time. Oops. LOL.

Well, right now I've got a few things up in the air regarding employment. I've interviewed at Vans for a position there. I want the Assistant Manager position that they're going to make available soon, but the District Manager doesn't think I'm qualified because I don't have retail management experience. I think that's BS because I've got 3 years experience as a Store Manager of storage facilities and training and managing staff. Whatever.

I did get a call from an old supervisor who says he's going to ask around and help me find something. If I don't hear back from him by Thursday, I'm giving him a call again. It's for a very large storage company I used to work for, so I just have to hold out and possibly relocate, but that's OK with me...but sooner is better.

On the vehicle front, my dad just bought a car today from the dealer he works for and is selling me his truck. Woo hoo!! I've wanted to buy his truck from him for a long time, so this is so awesome for me! It's also a double bonus because I get to make payments to him on a vehicle I know is reliable. Yay!

In other news, Jenn's moving out on Sunday and I'll have this place to myself. She's still applying like crazy to other companies, so who knows when she'll find something else, hence the reason I need that storage job to come through fast. lol.

So some good news, some wait-and-see news, but all in all, things are going pretty well right now. =o)

Oh yeah...I chopped about 4" off my hair today. I've been growing it out for years and it was at my bra line finally, but now it's just below my shoulders. I couldn't handle it! LOL.

And...that's about it. LOL.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

And for that reason, I'll never know why I didn't get that job with the storage company. I got an email today telling me that "there are no manager positions available" for me to take but they will old onto my resume "just in case anything else comes up."

So one of two things happened here: 1) They realized just how overqualified I am and know that I would be asking for more pay before too long; or 2) Someone they talked to about me gave me a bad review and made me look bad.

Whatever. I guess it's back to the drawing board. I still have resumes out and pending, but I've gotten no call-backs from any of them as of yet.

It's looking more and more like I'm going to be forced into moving in with my parents. That's just so awesome - a 30-year-old woman having to move back home with Mommy and Daddy. That's going to work great for my dating life.

FML

Interviews suck, but I rocked this one.

At 1pm today, I had a phone interview with the Director of Operations for a storage company in Las Vegas. It went extremely well. I really asserted myself and showcased my skills as a manager in order to get a resident manager position with the company instead of just a relief manager position. The DOO really liked me and is going to see what he can do to put me directly into a store. Luckily 2 resident managers just gave notice to quit, so that helps me greatly.

I think this was one of the best interviews I've ever had. Having it over the phone (and being dressed in pajamas) was awesome because there was no intimidation factor. I was able to get out what I needed to say and not get flustered.

I'm not too jazzed about the hourly pay rate, but there does seem to be a great bonus program that will help off-set it.

Worst case scenario, if I can't get directly into a store right away, I may accept a relief position on a short term basis (a month or 2 tops) before moving into a resident manager position. If that's the case, I'm begging my friend Joyce to live with her until I get my place. :::doe eyes::: Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

Best case scenario, I get in there at the beginning of March and get a resident manager position right away and don't have to put anyone out.

I do still need to get a car and since I'd have to pay to move myself there (they don't pay to relocate), I'll only have about $500 to spend (moving is going to cost about $500). I'll probably have to ask my dad for some money, but I'll be able to pay him back with my first couple of paychecks.

In any case, it really looks like I'll be a Las Vegas resident by April. Yay! =o)

Cross your fingers for me!!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So here's what's going on with me:

I have 2 months to find a new place to live. Jenn informed me last Sunday that she's going to be quitting her job and moving in with Shauna and Cole in April (when their current lease is up). This leaves me homeless.

I'm currently trying to find another storage job, but I haven't heard anything yet. I think I sent out 8 - 10 resumes last week to jobs here in CA (as far south as San Diego), Oregon, Nevada (Vegas), and Washington state. I don't even have a car right now and that's going to hinder my job search.

If I don't find something before April 1st, I'm going to have to put my stuff in storage and sleep on my parents couch until I figure out what I can do. At least my boss is doing her best to help keep me in a job no matter what happens. Tomorrow I interview with a manager at a different store so I can move into a permanent Customer Sales Lead position somewhere within the company. At least this way, even if I have to move in with my parents, I can still have some kind of income.

I'm still worried, though. I know I have 2 months, but this first week has already gone by so quickly. I probably wouldn't be as worried if I didn't have my cats to take care of. I can't give them up. I refuse. They are my life and I can't imagine giving them away. I've had Bubba since he was about 3 weeks old. I've only had Peanut for 3 years, but she's already gone through several homes and she's just the sweetest little cat and I can't imagine rehoming her again.

I'm even willing to relocate to another state to find a job! I don't want that to happen, really, but I have to go where the jobs are.

I got my W2 today and Jenn did a rough draft of my taxes. It looks like I'm getting about $1000 total back and that's pretty much all going to go to buying me a car. It's not going to be a pretty car, but it'll be a car that'll get me from Point A to Point B. It's just going to be something so I can say that I have reliable transportation.

I wish I had an "in" somewhere. Unfortunately I don't really know anyone in the storage business anymore.

Ugh! This sucks! I've started smoking again because of the stress. Not very much, but I'm still smoking.

I don't hold any animosity towards Jenn at all. I was working towards this anyway, but now I've got a very short deadline to work with. The only thing that makes me mad is that she knew about this plan for 3 weeks before she told me. Those 3 weeks could have been critical for me. Then again, maybe they're not. Perhaps those 3 weeks won't matter in the long run. I'm just freaking out.

Anyway...this is what's going on with me. If anyone wants to adopt me and my 2 orange kitties, please let me know! We're all housebroken!

Crazy weather we're having!

So by now I'm sure everyone knows what crazy weather we Californians have been having lately. Last week it snowed in SoCal, the rain hasn't let up in about 10 days, and there have been tornado warnings in the SF Bay Area!! Yesterday or the day before, there was a warning for Santa Clara County (the South Bay), and today, RIGHT NOW, there's a warning for Contra Costa County (the East Bay) near Discovery Bay...that's about 10 miles from my house!

Just a half hour ago, there was a torrential downpour of hail. It lasted almost 10 minutes. By the time it was over, it looked like it had snowed. Here, I'll show you:





There are a few more on Facebook if you have me friended over there.

Seriously, this is insane weather!

The rain and hail has stopped and the sun is even daring to peek out from behind the clouds right now. There are still dark clouds out, so I wouldn't be surprised if it's raining again within the hour.

But, seriously! A tornado warning?!?! We don't even have basements in California, so how are we supposed to hide from a tornado? LOL. Especially those of us who live in upstairs apartments. LOL

Doing some good

So last week I had decided I was going to do the Susan G Komen 3-Day for the Cure 60-Mile walk.

In the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti and donating what money I could at the moment, I started thinking about who else I could be helping by donating my money and time. I decided that rather than be a fundraiser for myself for the Komen walk, I'll be a volunteer for the cause and donate money to someone who is walking. I decided to also volunteer for the SF AIDS Walk this summer and donate my money to my friend Jimmy should he walk it again (he did it last year and the year before). I'm also going to be looking for ways to donate my time on a weekly or monthly basis since I think my free time could be better appreciated by me helping someone else than sitting on my butt playing around on Facebook.

I'm also committing myself to donate 10% of my income to charity. Currently that's only going to be $100, but every little bit helps, right? I figure I can give up my Starbucks a couple times a week and, instead, give that money to someone who could really use it. As broke as I may feel, there are people out there who are literally starving to death and my $2.65 could go to someone and feed them for a whole week.

Stupid

For all the lying, conniving, deceiving, horrible things Kraig said and did to me, I do have to commend him for one thing. I've never felt more beautiful or felt such passion from anyone before or after him. Yes, he was a dog. He is a dog. But I know he was in love with me - you always know when someone is in love with you because you can see it in their eyes - and he let me know everyday that he loved me.

I hate that the person who, in the end, treated me the worst made me feel the best of anyone I've ever been with.

That's just another testimony to how badly I can pick them. LOL.

I just don't know

Can I ask a question?

What's the point in making your own baby food and breastfeeding your child if you're going to turn around and give that same baby a sucker filled with refined sugar and dyes?

I understand people slip when they're trying to feed their children organically and healthily - sometimes you give them a treat of chocolate or a cookie...but a freaking sucker?? That most likely has Red Dye #40 in it?

Yes, I know you can't control what goes into your kids' mouth 100% of the time, but you can't explain away photos of your 8 month old with a sucker in her mouth. And above the sugar and dye you are giving your child, this sucker is on a stick! It's dangerous to give a small child a sucker. That child could fall and that sucker can get shoved right down his or her throat.

I realize that I am not a parent yet, but I think like one. Yes, I know that parents are always very well intentioned but when you're in the moment with a child, you make decisions you never thought you'd make, but giving a small, tiny child a sucker is just a poor decision all around.

Hate me all you want for this opinion, but it's just that - my opinion.

Let's get it on

Proceed with Caution: This post is about sex and will probably contain a good amount of TMI and cursing.

Over the last few days I have begun to really miss sex. As one of only 2 species on earth, humans have sex for pleasure and I have definitely taken part in a lot of it in my 13 years of being sexually active. I've had long dry spells where I didn't have sex for months. I've had relationships where I had sex almost everyday of the week and even multiple times a day.

Generally, when I'm not in a relationship and not having sex, I don't miss it. However, I'm really missing it right now. LOL. Specifically, though, I'm missing being made love to, I'm not just missing the act of sex. I'm missing that close connection with the person I'm with - that person looking in my eyes while we are pressed together, skin to skin. Missing that person holding me close, gently, kissing me softly.

I guess I miss being loved.

I'm trying to find someone to date and everywhere I look, I would have no problem finding someone to be a fuck buddy or friend with benefits, but that's not what I want.

As huge a dick as he can be, I miss being with Captain Douchebag because he made love to me. Yes, we had a lot of sex, but 90% of it was making love, not just fucking. I miss that. I miss it so badly right now. He made me feel safe and secure even though I outweighed him by 100 pounds. Even though he lied through his teeth and cheated on his girlfriend to be with me, I felt like such a princess with him. Even just being hugged by him, totally unsexual in any way, I felt like there wasn't a care in the world.

I guess this isn't really about sex afterall, is it? Once again, it's just me complaining about how I pick men who love me a whole big bunch, but treat me like shit and I miss them so badly. But this is the thing - I don't miss Captain douchebag. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the passion we had. I miss passion! I miss love! I miss someone loving me! I miss loving someone! I really, honestly feel like I'm never going to have that again.

I keep watching people around me fall in love, get engaged, have babies, have happy lives while I feel like my life is stagnant. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and depression every minute of every day.

Most of the time I feel very good about myself - very confident. It's taken me a lot to get here, but I am here. Physically I feel good, attractive, hot. Yet I still seek approval of men. WTF is that about? Or maybe I'm not seeking approval, maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love? Is that it? I have no idea.

All I know is that I need someone to make me feel good in that physical way right now...and maybe the rest will follow.

Or am I doing that backwards? LOL