Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Let's get it on

Proceed with Caution: This post is about sex and will probably contain a good amount of TMI and cursing.

Over the last few days I have begun to really miss sex. As one of only 2 species on earth, humans have sex for pleasure and I have definitely taken part in a lot of it in my 13 years of being sexually active. I've had long dry spells where I didn't have sex for months. I've had relationships where I had sex almost everyday of the week and even multiple times a day.

Generally, when I'm not in a relationship and not having sex, I don't miss it. However, I'm really missing it right now. LOL. Specifically, though, I'm missing being made love to, I'm not just missing the act of sex. I'm missing that close connection with the person I'm with - that person looking in my eyes while we are pressed together, skin to skin. Missing that person holding me close, gently, kissing me softly.

I guess I miss being loved.

I'm trying to find someone to date and everywhere I look, I would have no problem finding someone to be a fuck buddy or friend with benefits, but that's not what I want.

As huge a dick as he can be, I miss being with Captain Douchebag because he made love to me. Yes, we had a lot of sex, but 90% of it was making love, not just fucking. I miss that. I miss it so badly right now. He made me feel safe and secure even though I outweighed him by 100 pounds. Even though he lied through his teeth and cheated on his girlfriend to be with me, I felt like such a princess with him. Even just being hugged by him, totally unsexual in any way, I felt like there wasn't a care in the world.

I guess this isn't really about sex afterall, is it? Once again, it's just me complaining about how I pick men who love me a whole big bunch, but treat me like shit and I miss them so badly. But this is the thing - I don't miss Captain douchebag. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the passion we had. I miss passion! I miss love! I miss someone loving me! I miss loving someone! I really, honestly feel like I'm never going to have that again.

I keep watching people around me fall in love, get engaged, have babies, have happy lives while I feel like my life is stagnant. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and depression every minute of every day.

Most of the time I feel very good about myself - very confident. It's taken me a lot to get here, but I am here. Physically I feel good, attractive, hot. Yet I still seek approval of men. WTF is that about? Or maybe I'm not seeking approval, maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love? Is that it? I have no idea.

All I know is that I need someone to make me feel good in that physical way right now...and maybe the rest will follow.

Or am I doing that backwards? LOL

1 comment:

Helene said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling down. You know what's sad...I'm married and I feel the same way you do. I really long for that passion, that husband could care less about that. He wants to fuck and I want to make love. We're on total opposite spectrums. I know you totally get what I'm talking about.

You never know...there is someone out there for you...someone you won't have to seek approval from. You'll just know when that person suddenly enters your life.

In the meantime, until that happens, just take good care of yourself like you're already doing! Way to go on 13 weeks without smoking!!