It's just not working

I don't know why I drag things out longer than they need to go on. I know that things with this new guy aren't going to work, but I try anyway. I don't know where the optimism comes from, but part of me is trying to see the bright side of things.

While in the shower a few minutes ago, I started writing this post in my head. I want to explain that I'm not trying to be difficult when it comes to dating. I'm not trying to break hearts. I'm certainly not just trying to get laid. The reason I keep meeting someone new is because I'm looking for that person who takes the air out of my lungs when I first lay eyes on them. I've been in love with 4 people (3 men, 1 woman), and this happened each time I met these people.

With Austin, I was 14 and met him at a school dance. I knew I needed to be with him. With Angel, we didn't even really "know" each other yet, but we met at a bar/restaurant at an LJ Meetup and you could cut the tension with a knife (and I don't think we ever even spoke a word to each other the entire night). With Matt, I met him at work (he was an assistant manager, like me) and I knew there was something about him that made me want to get close to him. With Kraig, the second I laid eyes on him, it was all over. With him, I knew it was definite love at first sight. With the others, it was "in-like" at first sight, but it didn't take long for me to fall in love.

I'm waiting for that to happen again and I honestly feel that I'm wasting my time trying to make something work when I don't have those feelings. I nit-pick and let things bother me more than they should, but that's because I'm trying to make myself like someone that I don't think I could love. And when I do fall in love, all that stupid shit doesn't bother me. LOL I look past it because of the blindness love creates.

I want to be blind. I want to let go of the little shit because I love someone so much that it honestly doesn't matter and/or becomes endearing and cute.

I realize that this is a lot to ask, but, to be completely honest, I'd much rather be alone than in a mediocre or unsatisfying relationship.

Let's get it on

Proceed with Caution: This post is about sex and will probably contain a good amount of TMI and cursing.

Over the last few days I have begun to really miss sex. As one of only 2 species on earth, humans have sex for pleasure and I have definitely taken part in a lot of it in my 13 years of being sexually active. I've had long dry spells where I didn't have sex for months. I've had relationships where I had sex almost everyday of the week and even multiple times a day.

Generally, when I'm not in a relationship and not having sex, I don't miss it. However, I'm really missing it right now. LOL. Specifically, though, I'm missing being made love to, I'm not just missing the act of sex. I'm missing that close connection with the person I'm with - that person looking in my eyes while we are pressed together, skin to skin. Missing that person holding me close, gently, kissing me softly.

I guess I miss being loved.

I'm trying to find someone to date and everywhere I look, I would have no problem finding someone to be a fuck buddy or friend with benefits, but that's not what I want.

As huge a dick as he can be, I miss being with Captain Douchebag because he made love to me. Yes, we had a lot of sex, but 90% of it was making love, not just fucking. I miss that. I miss it so badly right now. He made me feel safe and secure even though I outweighed him by 100 pounds. Even though he lied through his teeth and cheated on his girlfriend to be with me, I felt like such a princess with him. Even just being hugged by him, totally unsexual in any way, I felt like there wasn't a care in the world.

I guess this isn't really about sex afterall, is it? Once again, it's just me complaining about how I pick men who love me a whole big bunch, but treat me like shit and I miss them so badly. But this is the thing - I don't miss Captain douchebag. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the passion we had. I miss passion! I miss love! I miss someone loving me! I miss loving someone! I really, honestly feel like I'm never going to have that again.

I keep watching people around me fall in love, get engaged, have babies, have happy lives while I feel like my life is stagnant. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and depression every minute of every day.

Most of the time I feel very good about myself - very confident. It's taken me a lot to get here, but I am here. Physically I feel good, attractive, hot. Yet I still seek approval of men. WTF is that about? Or maybe I'm not seeking approval, maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love? Is that it? I have no idea.

All I know is that I need someone to make me feel good in that physical way right now...and maybe the rest will follow.

Or am I doing that backwards? LOL

Memories

So I'm sitting here, reading The Pioneer Woman's blog (because she's funny as hell! And has the most romantic story of meeting her husband. If you don't know her, go read her blog!) and I have the tv on a Sirius radio station to keep me company (I don't like silence, I always have the tv or a radio on). I've actually been doing this all day, truth be told. I have no life. lol.

Anyway, I'm sitting here and the radio station plays Alanis Morrisette's "Head Over Feet" and the biggest grin comes across my face. My mind is flooded with memories of a simpler time. Memories of a first love. Adventures taken, firsts had. A time when everything was so easy...or so I thought. LOL.

I was with my first boyfriend for a couple months when I was 14, he was 16. It didn't work out, but I was so in love. He was my first kiss! We kept in touch over the years, though I lost a friend because she started dating him (and had a baby with him just a year later, when we were still just 15). They broke up the summer before I was a senior after having been together 2 years. I jumped at my chance to have him, again, as my boyfriend.

We dated from the time I was 17 until I was 21. He was my first everything. We had so many adventures running around San Francisco at all hours of the day and night. We spent a weekend in Monterey. We trucked up and down the 680 freeway every weekend to visit his daughter in San Jose. I almost got us shot once, yelling at another driver in his neighborhood because said driver was holding up traffic and I was impatient. We created, then destroyed, a life. We were young and dumb and did infantile and stupid things. We loved hard and hurt each other harder.

But still, he was my first love. And as badly as he may have destroyed me, he helped form the person I am today. Obviously I miss him, but I don't miss him as my boyfriend. I miss his friendship. He was my best friend for a long time. Even though we've barely spoken for years, I know that if I called him up and said I needed him, he'd come running. We've just grown apart, but that's OK. That's what people do. People grow up and move on with their lives.

Because this song on the tv opened up these flood gates, I sent him an email (well, MySpace message. LOL. I'm not entirely sure I have his most current info to contact him in any other way.) to say hi and that I hope he's doing well. It's been close to a year, at least, since I've talked to him. I shouldn't let things get in the way of just saying hi.

I think my resolve for my 30th birthday is to be a better friend. I don't ever call, text, email, or otherwise contact my friends like I should. So perhaps this is a start to a new, better me - reaching out and saying hello.

LOL that sounds like a phone commercial.




1:45am Edited to add:

And now comes a song that reminds me of Captain Douchebag.

Blue October's Foiled will always remind me of him because it's what I listened to everyday on my commute to and from working with him for months. There are a few fond memories of CD, but this is one person that I will never, ever forgive and become friends with again.

Yes, I was in love with him. Yes, I told him so. And he told me the same. But, for him, it wasn't real. I was used, abused, and tossed aside.

I've never known anyone to be so manipulative, conniving, cold, and evil in my entire life.

So, instead, I choose to redirect my thoughts of him whenever I hear Blue October, to remembering seeing Blue October in concert at The House of Blues at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas, October 2006. That is where I fell in love with this album and band. I remember walking around casinos alone, shopping, and tripping over this concert that still had tickets. I bought 2 of them, floor "seats", so my brother could go with me, not even knowing if he'd actually go. LOL. Thankfully he did. That night, my brother and I drank together for the first time and had an awesome time. That's what I'll remember when I hear Blue October.

I'm not letting Captain DoucheBag ruin my life anymore.