What's going on?

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I don't have a desktop PC right now and typing on this little Acer is not the easiest when I've got acrylic nails. LOL. Let's just say the "Backspace" key is my best friend right now. LOL

Work has been going well...if you don't count all the stupid mistakes I've been making. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a whole lot and I've only really made one major screw up, but I still feel dumb because of it. I honestly was wondering yesterday if I made the right decision to go back. I know I haven't done storage in a year and a half and I should give myself a break, but I can't help but beat myself up. I used to be an awesome manager and really knew my stuff, but now I feel like such a newbie and I hate it. I know I'll get past it, but until that happens, I'm going to continue feeling this way.

I did make the decision to stop being so damn cocky, though. LOL. Obviously it's not working to my advantage. I also brought home some homework to help retrain my brain and memorize scripts and policies. Hopefully it works because I am not having fun being babysat at work.

In other news, I got the bright idea to become a nurse or medical assistant of some kind. Of course, this means school and I hate school. Maybe dental assisting. That's something I can just go for without GE college classes, right? I dunno. I think I just want an excuse to wear scrubs everyday. LOL. I'm gonna wait to figure that out until I get my own store. I can't handle school with all this commuting going on right now.

I turn 31 in 12 days and have no children, not husband/boyfriend/partner. This is not where my life is supposed to be. I really feel my youth slip away and my chances of having my own children getting slimmer and slimmer. I know, I know, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but that's OK, because if I didn't, no one would. Ok, OK, I'll stop. LOL It's just that having kids is very important to me and I'm just losing confidence in ever having any. I am trying to just take things day by day and see where life takes me and hope and pray I'm headed toward a husband and family. ;o)

Anyway...I'm headed out to the A's/Mariner's game tonight with my friend Daphne. She had a spare ticket and asked if I wanted it. Woohoo! My first baseball game of the season. I'm super excited! Of course I'm a SF Giants girl, but I'll root for the A's if I'm at their game. LOL. Just don't ever ask me to root for the Yankees! haha!

Ooh! And I went to the most awesome concert last week! I saw 30 Seconds to Mars at the Fox Theater in Oakland with my friends Amy and Rania. I thought Blue October and NKOTB put on good shows, but this was flippin awesome! I love Jared Leto. At one point I was just 8 feet from him. OMG, he is such a beautiful man!



It was during this part that I was so close...about 5 feet or so behind the person who taped this. If you have time, go through the rest of the videos posted from them. Awesomeness!!

The next show I'm going to with Amy is to see Stix at the Concord Pavillion next week. Not one of my faves, but it's an excuse to hang out with Amy. She's been a good friend and is one of the mothers to my 3 year old twin nieces. Amy's so funny at concerts. She's got cerebral palsy and is in a chair and totally uses it to her advantage to get great seating and special treatment. Plus she's a total flirt and cons stuff out of people. LOL.

Well, that's about it for now...I'll try not to stay away for so long next time. ;o)

Breeders

Ugh. Why do people even care that Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child? Why do people wish she would die or that her uterus falls out every time she gets pregnant? Why is it your business?

The Duggars aren't using government resources to raise their children. They make their own money (apart from their TV show) and aren't in debt. Everything they have they own outright. The Duggars are raising their children to be upstanding citizens. In all the shows I've ever seen, I've only seen the children under 3 years old throw tantrums and that's because they're too young to reason with. They're not raising Bebe's kids. And, they're not even using your tax dollars to educate their children - they homeschool!

Yes, having that children might seem excessive, but obviously Jim Bob and Michelle are still in love after 20+ years of marriage and enjoy doing it all the time. The result of this is babies. Good for them!! Not many of us are as lucky!


I made a similar post last year when they announced their pregnancy for baby #18 and I'll make this post every time she gets pregnant.

Let's all direct our anger towards Welfare moms who continue having babies and are bleeding the system dry! Let's direct our anger towards parents who don't parent their children - letting them run wild in the streets and disrespect everyone they come in contact with. Let's direct our anger towards those who deserve it!

My uterus hates me

So I've been here, in Medford, OR, for a week now and I think my uterus hates me. I swear it's weeping every time I hold my niece for any extended period of time. LOL. She is the most beautiful baby ever...well, until I have my own kids, that is. LOL.

Just kidding Riki! Love you!! hehehe

Seriously, though, my niece is gorgeous. She's the freakin spitting image of her mother.

And my uterus and ovaries are yelling at me in some language unknown to me, but I know they're pissed off. LOL. I'm hoping this means they'll get their asses in gear and cooperate when I get back to CA and start insems again. The quicker they get their act together, the less clinical we have to be about this situation. LOL.

Anyway...it's 1am and I should get to bed. Little Miss Fussy Pants will have us up before we know it. Hopefully I can sleep until 9am. ;o)

Cycle 10

So I made the executive decision to skip May's cycle so I could have a break from the stress. Unfortunately because of my scheduled trip to see my friend Riki in Oregon (who gave birth to my niece last night!!!), I'm missing the June cycle by about 2 days. Ultimately I think this break is a good thing, but I feel so down in the dumps about it.

My friend Ashley gave birth to her 3rd baby (but first daughter) 5 months ago. Riki had her daughter last night. A triplet mommy who's blog I read is going to give birth to her surprise baby #4 this Friday, I believe. And another triplet mommy who also has an older child just found out she's preggo with her surprise baby #5. While I'm so incredibly happy for all of these women, I can't help but be incredibly jealous at the same time.

When I come back from Oregon and we try in July, that'll be our first anniversary of trying to conceive. I really hope that I do get pregnant by the end of the year. Past that, I know that I'll have to start seeing doctors and such to make sure nothing's wrong, but I'm incredibly frightened that something is wrong. Then again, I really think that I may have had a miscarriage last month - there was tissue I discharged that just didn't look normal. So that may be a positive sign. Who knows.

All I know is that patience is not a virtue I have.


Edited to add: I just remembered...2 old high school friends that I've reconnected with through Facebook are currently pregnant. Ugh! Again, happy for them, but why can't it be me?!?! :::shakes fist in the air:::

Blog Stalker

I've often wondered if people think that I'm a blog stalker. If you look at the list on the right side of the screen, I do read a lot of "Mommy Blogs", but then am only being followed by 3 people (one of whom is my own GF. LOL). That's not to say I'm trying to be popular by any means, it just appears to me that not many people read me. But that's neither here nor there. I blog to remind myself of things that I'm thinking at the moment they pop into my head.

I've never been good at keeping journals (the paper kind). I always start them, but get distracted and forget about them. This is the second blog that I've had since the internets were invented. I still have my other one - I've had that one for 8 years and it carries a lot of history. I have met dozens of people in real life that I knew for years on that blog. It's not easy for me to make friends, but I've definitely made some good ones over there.

OH...sorry...got ADD for a second and went off course.

Blog Stalking. It's not my intention to be a stalker. I began this blog, initially, to follow the McNulty Quads. I discovered them through a silly Christmas photo contest on the SFGate's The Poop blog. The posts there were hilarious and I thought I'd continue reading to see how one raises 4 kids of the same age at the same time. LOL. Through her, I found other Quad blogs, then Triplets, then Twins (and mulitple twin families). I continue reading these blogs because I am inspired and awed by their stories (all of which are completely unique). I'm learning from these blogs (even though I categorize them as Mommy blogs, there are Daddies that contribute as well) and, in some cases, have become emotionally invested in these families. Families that I've never met in person, probably will never meet in person, but people who were brave enough to let the world see a snippet of their family life.

I've tried to comment where I can on these blogs when the mood strikes, but about half of those blogs don't even know I read them. Sometimes I feel kind of silly making a "de-lurking" comment on one of their blogs, but how else will they know that I'm not some crazy person that goes to read their blog everyday? LOL.

So I guess this blog is a giant de-lurking announcement. LOL. I think I've made one before, but I figured I should make another just to reassure anyone new to my blog reading list that I'm not some crazy baby blog obsessed lady. Think of it more like this - I'm your student, learning what it's really like to raise kids. You all show me the ups and downs of parenthood. It's preparing me a lot (I often thing "OMG! I dread that stage of babyhood!" LOL) and let me know that some things are just inevitable. I'm glad for that because there are a lot of people out there who make parenthood out to be all Sunshine and Rainbows. Thank you for that!

Anyway...now you know - I'm not a psycho. LOL.

Not in the cards

So Miguel didn't come over on Thursday. He didn't even text me until around 9pm to tell me that he had thrown out his back and had been at home in bed all day. He said he might try to come by on Friday before Jenn and I went out of town, but he never called. I didn't call him when we got home yesterday because a) I was tired from driving home from Oregon, and 2) I'm a little mad at him. So February is a total bust.

The reason I'm mad is because I don't believe that he did hurt his back last week. I think he had other things to do and didn't want to come by. Last month, I was waiting for him to come by after he got off work at 2:30...since he should have been at my house by 3:30, I finally texted him around 4pm asking if he was still coming over or if he was stuck in traffic or whatever. He texted me back and said traffic was really bad. He finally got to the house around 5:30 with his BF and 2 other friends in a second car. It was then explained to me that Miguel's friend had called and asked him to help him move - that was the real reason Miguel was late. He was supposed to come back the next day to do a 3rd insem and he just didn't show up.

I honestly don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that he's just as frustrated as I am about not getting pregnant yet. I think he's frustrated with having to come out here all the time, but I am more than willing to go to his house, too. He just seems to prefer coming here. This really is just a window into the future, I know that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when we have kids and we make an agreement for Miguel to come by and see the babies and he changes his mind or he gets sidetracked. It worries me. He's supposed to be a 3rd parent, not just a sperm donor.

I'm really kind of at a loss right now. I'm going to take the rest of this month to think about if this really is the best thing for all of our situations. Honestly, Miguel is the only way I can get pregnant right now and I have no idea how long it would take to find someone else (who would be just a donor, not Daddy) or how much money it would end up costing us. We are far from rich, but I'd have to get a full time job with insurance before even thinking about going that route.

Ugh. This sucks.

it's almost time

So tomorrow is day 30 of my cycle. I usually get my period anywhere between day 27 and day 32 (though, usually, not later than day 30). I don't have any signs of my period coming. I haven't had the usual moodiness from PMS, so hopefully that's a good thing. I've had some reflux the last couple of days and on Friday and Saturday had some serious nausea. I'm waiting until tomorrow to take a PT.

Up until yesterday, I was convinced that I had gotten pregnant this first time. Now I'm having doubts. I think that's part of the whole self-preservation thing - I don't want to be disappointed when the PT comes back negative. I had been thinking that since I didn't have any real PMS symptoms but I was nauseated most of the weekend, I must be preggo. I know that disappointment is all part of the process, so I'm expecting it...but I'm also dreading it.

A friend of mine is 16 weeks pregnant right now. Yesterday she posted a belly pic on MySpace for us all to see (she lives out of state, so I haven't seen her in a very long time). Seeing that made me so insanely jealous. I think that's what started the I'm-not-actually-pregnant thought process.

Only a handful of my friends know that I'm trying for a baby. None of my family knows yet. I'm waiting to drop that bomb until I'm actually pregnant (I think I mentioned that before). When I was talking to M the other day, I told him it was going to be like coming out to my parents all over again - telling them that I'm dating Jenn (which my dad knows already), that we are going to have a baby, and that the dad is going to be involved, he's not just a donor. W-E-I-R-D! LOL But I also think that my family is just going to roll their eyes at me and go "OK." and think that this is just another crazy thing that I'm doing in my life.

Aside from my cousin who spent the last 2 years of her life as a minor in juvenile detention (well, a group home), I've been the black sheep of the family - I almost flunked out of high school, I had an older boyfriend in my late teens and got preggo and had an abortion. I shacked up with him. Then I was gay. I never went to college. I have tattoos and piercings. And now I'm gonna have a baby in a lesbian relationship and the father is a gay man. Oh the horror! LOL Whatever. I love my life and I have almost no regrets (like my Winnie the Pooh tattoo. I should have thought about that one a bit more.). I don't think my dad's concerns are going to be more than "How are you going to support it?" My mom and Grandma will have the hardest time with it, though. My brother and cousins won't care because we're all of the same generation. My aunts are very open minded. But if I am preggo now, or get preggo in the next couple of months, the announcement wont' be until Thanksgiving or Christmas anyway. If I can keep the secret that long. LOL. We'll see.

Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

The suspense is killing me! LOL.

It also didn't help to notice that one of my boobs looks a little large today (they NEVER swell during PMS) and someone said I looked like I was glowing. That only adds to the hope! LOL.

Ok. I'm gonna stop talking now. I'll get back to you tomorrow with the results.

*scratch*scratch*

I am super itchy!! I was at a friend's house this past weekend and got eaten alive by mosquitos. I have 2 or 3 bites on my back and 2 on my collar bone. I look like a monkey with all the scratching. LOL.

In baby news - we tried 2 insems over the weekend. Well, the first was Thursday night, the second on Sunday night. M called last night to see how I was doing. I told him "I don't feel pregnant yet!" But I'm hopeful. I know I'll get through it if it takes more than 1, 2, or 14 tries, I just want it to be sooner rather than later. I'm very impatient, you know. LOL. But we should have an answer in about a week - 10 days. Everything that I'm feeling now is just psychosomatic. I keep thinking that I don't feel well or that my sudden thirst/craving for mango iced tea must be some sort of sign. Hello, dork, it's not possible yet! LOL.

I'm just very eager. I need to calm down and let things happen at their own pace.


Oh...and work stuff has calmed down. I had a good chat with my boss and things are better for now. I don't feel like punching him in the face anymore.

impatient!

I'm such an impatient person! I also hate monotony. I'm only 2 days into the OPKs and I'm bored with them already. They're almost more disappointing than getting negative HPTs. I don't think I'm ovulating until Friday or Saturday anyway, but I figured I'd start early and watch the OPK to see when I really do ovulate. It'll be interesting. We think it's Cycle Day 19, which is Saturday. By the looks of my temperatures over the last 8 months, I thought I was ovulating twice - at CD13 and CD 19, but Jenn thought 19 was more accurate. I started the OPK at day 14 and it showed nothing, so hopefully Jenn's right.

There's also been talk now of moving to just outside Medford, OR with our friend R. She used to date Jenn and has become a very close friend of mine over the last 7 months. She's also trying to get preggo. The three of us are very fed up with the company we work for (which I'm leaving in about 5 weeks) and thought it'd be cool to go live on R's parent's "farm" in Oregon. It's a 3 bedroom house sitting on 4 acres. There's goats, feral cats, a koi pond. I've been wanting a way to start over and get away from the stresses and bad memories here. I want new memories. Happy memories.

Tonight we're going out to R's house to talk about things and just hang out. She lives about 90 miles from us, so we don't see each other that often - once a month if we're lucky. I'm excited. I really want this to work out. It'll be just us 3 girls and our kids. No drama. Just goats.

Why am I so nervous?

I keep watching the calender. I'm getting more and more anxious as the days go by. I think I'm going to be ovulating in about 9 - 10 days. So in 9 - 10 days I could be creating a baby. Scary! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm immensely excited because it's what I've wanted my entire life. But I'm also afraid about actually being a good mom. I mean, you never know if you're a good mom until you've already got the kids...hell, even then you don't really know until your kids are grown. My mom probably thought she was a good mom, but I can tell you she wasn't the greatest. Often she was downright mean and cold towards me.

I really don't want to become my mother. See, my mother resented me because I was a Daddy's Girl. She once told me to my face (only a few years ago) that she cried when my brother was born, but didn't when I was born. I asked her why and she said that because she already had a girl, she was so happy to have a boy. She followed that by saying if she had my brother first, she probably wouldn't have had any more kids. What kind of person says that to their kid?

My mom always treated me indifferently. Of course she told me when I was a kid that she loved me, but I didn't have a good relationship with her ever. She's very short and rude and sarcastic in a mean way. Sometimes I catch things coming out of my mouth that sounded exactly like something she would have said. It frightens me.

My mom was also not one to get on the floor and play with the kids. That was my dad's job and he was great at it. I have so many more fond memories of my dad than I do with my mother - and my dad was the disciplinarian of the house! Along with spankings, I have memories of having fun in the pool when we went on vacations. He'd go on rides with us at theme parks, ride his bike with us at the camp grounds, he was our buddy. But he was also Dad.

Oof...I went off on a tangent there. LOL. I'm just scared and nervous and anxious. Chances are the first time won't result in a + sign on the pregnancy test (if I even have to take one), but you never know. Maybe M has SuperSperm and I get preggo right off the bat. LOL. That'd be awesome. Then again, if it doesn't happen until the next go-round, I could end up due right around my own birthday. That'd be awesome - Happy 30th Birthday, you're a Mom! LOL.

Anyway. That's my random thoughts for the day. ;o)

Day 1 Cycle 1

So today is the official start of the TTC season. LOL.

I felt kind of off today, but didn't have the usual symptoms to the start of my period, so I was surprised just now when I went to pee and discovered I'd started. But that's fine with me - the sooner the better!

So...we had a sit down talk with M about his role and how we are going to TTC and stuff like that. He wants to be as involved as possible, but he completely respects our role as primary parents. Because he is in a relationship, we will be doing AI. That's ok with me - I was nervous about having sex with him anyway. LOL. It's weird to have sex with your friends that you don't like in *that* way.

Once I'm pregnant and Jenn and I get married, she and I are changing our last names to his. I want the kids to have his name and I need to have the same name as my kids, so we'll all be one happy family. hehe.

My parents don't know yet, but I think that's probably a good thing. Plus they don't need to know the details of my life. They know I want kids and they know Jenn and I are together, but that's all they need for now. Hopefully I'll be able to just sit down at Thanksgiving and say "I'm pregnant! Pass the turnips." and be done with it. LOL. The main reason I can't tell them yet is for fear of them trying to talk me out of it. I have a few bills to pay off (which will be done over the next couple of months) and then all my money will go to savings. I know that I am in a place, finally, to support a child. Plus this baby is going to have 3 parents, 4 sets of grandparents (mine, Jenn's got 2, and M's), and a couple of great-grandparents who are going to spoil this child (or children) to death. What grandparent doesn't want a grandbaby to spoil? Even if they don't, we'll be perfectly fine.

I am just so excited! You guys have no idea how long I've been waiting for this to happen. I'm finally getting the chance to be a mom. There's nothing better than that!

So today is Day 1 and we're thinking I ovulate between day 15 and day 19. Ovulation kits are on the way so we can be sure. Sometime between the 5th and the 8th is what we're looking at, I think. I can't wait!!

long time no see

so it's been a while since i've posted. i almost forgot about this blog, actually. lol. but, i'm hoping, this will become my ttc & pregnancy blog as i don't know how much people that read my other blog will want to know all this stuff.

things were supposed to have gotten started a couple weeks ago, but M had somethings go on that prevented him from getting together with us and figuring out the last of the logistics for ttc. he actually disappeared for about 2 weeks and finally resurfaced a few days ago and told us what happened. i'm hoping to talk to him soon. i think i might call him today and see if he can meet with me and jenn for dinner tomorrow so we can get this figured out. i think the most complicated part is the actual insemination. the original plan was that we'd do things naturally, but now that M has a partner, that may be out, so we're left with AI. ultimately i don't think there will be much of a problem with that - as long as my body cooperates. lol.

i've mentioned this before, but i'm obsessed with multiples and i've convinced myself that i'm going to have twins. lol. i know that the chances are slim, but i can't help it. i'd like to have twins. i know how crazy that sounds, but i think it'd be perfect - especially given my age. i'd rather get two out in one shot than have a singleton and wait for a second. i know, i know, i sound crazy. but i'm almost 30 years old and i'm so paranoid about complications, diseases and birth defects that go with age. there is a history of downs in my family, so that makes me even more paranoid. but the age thing is, again, where i am obsessed with the multiples. lol. statistically speaking, i have a better chance of having twins over 30 than i would have had at 20.

anyway... i'm excited, but i'm also trying to stay reserved. who knows how long it'll take me to get pregnant. there's no history of infertility in my family, so that's a very positive thing. i am, however, overweight, so that does play in a factor, but not a large one. fat women have babies all the time.

so, if you're reading this, think positive thoughts for me. we're about to jump into this pool with both feet first.