LOL So the app obviously didn't help. I just keep falling back into the habit of keeping my thoughts and feelings trapped inside my own head. It sucks. I've been living with my parents since April. I got fired from P.ublic S.torage for a bullshit reason. I honestly believe the new Regional Manager didn't like my defiance and outspokenness so he looked for an excuse to fire me. Whatever. It worked in my favor. I'm now back with my old employer that is a management company for storage facilities. I have some amazing opportunities ahead of me and truly look forward to being with this company for a long time. I know that it's not going to be an easy ride by any means, but we all know I love a challenge. Did I mention I also have a puppy? Yeah, I do. He's adorable. His name is Charles (aka Charlie) and he's a Chihuahua. My friend that gave him to me said he's pure bread, but he's really too large to be pure. I think I'll just tell people he's jumbo sized. LOL So back to this living at home thing. It's driving me crazy. Literally. Last night I kind of had a mental break and my brother had to talk me off the ledge. It was nice to know, finally, that my brother does care and allowed me to explain why I feel the way I feel sometimes. He's usually very insensitive towards my extreme sensitivity. Talking things out helped me wake up in a very good mood this morning. So that's my bi-annual update. LOL. I'll update again when I get a place to live. Hopefully that'll be soon!!

How do I remember to breathe?

So I've kind of fucked myself again with money. I am so stupid when it comes to money.

My registration is now late because I was too short on cash to pay it. Granted, I had $180 in copays over the last 2 weeks that I had to pay for doctor's appointments that I shouldn't have had to pay (I was supposed to get a reimbursement card, but never got it), and then didn't have enough money to pay the smog and registration on the truck.

I still owe my dad the last payment on the truck, too.

I don't get paid until Tuesday, but I still won't be able to register my car until the following Monday when I have the day off to get the smog and go to DMV.

I have no idea how I'll be able to get to Vegas. I think I might have to postpone until later in the year so I can see how my money situation goes. You have no idea how disappointing this is. I was trying to bump up the date so I can go to a concert on September 9th but it's just not going to happen. I just have to focus on the now and worry about my trip later.

I hate that I always feel the need to spend spend spend when I know I'm already tight on money. It's so stupid. I told my therapist about it (for those not in-the-know, I started going to therapy) and she thinks that it's not anything too serious yet since I'm not racking up credit card bills (but that's only because no one will issue me cards anymore). I just have that need for instant satisfaction. It can be with anything, too. Clothes, food, coffee, a book, a movie, shoes. It doesn't matter, but I have to spend all the money I have, I can't save it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Part of me wants to stop buying the fancy food and eat crap. But I feel so much better with all these veggies in my body! I ate fast food a few days in a row last week or the week before and my system still isn't right. I can't do that. I've grown almost addicted to my breakfast smoothies (fruits with slim fast and greens), but those don't even cost that much, especially since my frozen fruit comes from the dollar store.

Ugh. I just have to get the registration taken care of and the smog, and then I'll worry about the rest. I'm trying not to drive much so I don't get a ticket, but I am so nervous I'll get caught. I can't afford a ticket!

Perfecting how to put a game face on

This is my current theme song right now. It helps me get through the day.





I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Chorus:
Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still

Chorus

How long, in another space and time
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long, did I know so hard to find
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

C'mon
Whoa Whoa X6
But I still walk on

Girl, Interrupted.

My aunt called today to let me know my cousin is in the hospital at Stanford and asked if I wanted to come by and visit. I hate hospitals, but I agreed to go visit. My cousin has been in and out of hospitals for a long time and I wanted to help make her visit a little more comfortable.

The reason she was in there? On Tuesday she went on a bender on Crystal Meth and went bananas. She's in the psych ward on a 72-hour hold (plus the weekend). She might get released tomorrow, but it depends on her behavior. Apparently she got really riled up last night and wanted to beat some people up. She's always had rage issues and has gone to anger management before.

Anyway. She's always had drug issues in the past, but I think my grandmother's death pushed her over the edge. She's been erratic for years, so I think my grandmother's passing was the catalyst for a breakdown.

Sitting in there with her, watching some of the other patients scared the crap out of me. I could very well end up in some place like that at any time. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to keep a breakdown away. I've always been on the edge, but I guess I'm stronger than I've always thought.

This also just makes me realize how crazy my family is and how sheltered I grew up. Craziness runs in my family. On BOTH sides. It's no wonder my aunt, cousin, and I are all screwed up. We never had a chance.

So, on my way home, I picked up a few things to feed my vices: cigarettes, fast food, and ice cream. No, they don't make me feel better in the least. They make me feel crappy. But at least I'm not doing meth. Or cutting (though the night's not over).

Goodbye Norma Jean

My grandmother passed away in her sleep last night. My aunt called at 9:45am to tell me. I've been in a fog ever since.

Grandma's been sick for a long time and for the last 2 months she's barely eaten and stopped all meds except for pain. She had dimentia come on pretty fast. I think it may have been accelerated by the chemo from her lung cancer treatment, but who knows.

I went to her house after work. My aunt was there, as were my great aunt (Grandma's sister) and a couple cousins. It was weird to be in her house without Grandma there.

She's being creamated. There's no services right now. They're making arrangements to have my grandma's ashes buried with my great-grandma. That's what Grandma wanted - to be with her mother. She didn't actually want to spend the money, but it's what we're doing for her. I'm glad she's going to get what she wants, but I hate that she'll be in Stockton where it'll be harder for any of us to visit.

My grandma was the greatest. I'm not just saying that because she's my only grandma, or because she spoiled me rotten as a child, but because she was a wonderful person. You couldn't not like my grandma once you met her. She was the sweetest, tiniest person ever (seriously, she's like 4'8") and she was beautiful. And funny.

Whenever I eat fried chicken I think of her. Growing up, she made it for us once in a while, but would steal the skin and throw it away. "It's bad for your cholesterol" she always said. I think that's why I love chicken skin so much - to spite her. LOL.

They're going to sell her house. I hate that. I wish I had the money to buy out my aunts and keep it. But it'll help both of my aunts and my mom a lot to sell it and split the money. For my mom, it'll allow her to retire on time since she'll be able to put money towards her house. The mortgage they have now won't allow my mom to retire next year. My aunt Pamela will be able to buy a condo and, hopefully, not have to worry about paying the bills. My aunt Kathleen...well, I'm not sure...I don't know if she still has a mortgage or not..but she's retired and has always been good with money, so she'll do something smart with it. I'm going to miss that house, though. I grew up in it. But it has to be done.

I'm working tomorrow, but then taking the rest of the week off to help out at my grandma's and just be around for my mom and everyone else. I didn't get to see my mom and dad today, but my aunt Pamela said my mom wasn't taking it so well. When I talked to my mom on the phone this morning, she sounded so confused. I don't blame her. I wouldn't know what to do either. But I'll see them on Friday, if not before. I'm going to spend New Year's Eve at their house. I had plans to be with friends, but now I know that's not a good idea. I'd end up getting hammered and either try to sleep with someone or I'd fall apart. Either way I'd kill the party and I don't want to do that to my friends. In fact, I'm trying right now to control myself so I don't answer (or post) an ad on Craigslist for random, anonymous sex. I get really self destructive when I'm depressed.

I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll toss and turn, but I need the comfort of blankets and pillows. I really wish I had someone to cuddle me, though. That'd be nice.

Death is a part of life. It's a sucky, sucky part of life.

I wish I had given her great-grandbabies. She would have loved that.

Getting to know you..err...me..

The more days that pass since learning about the truth of my Papa's death, the more I actually seem to understand myself.

He was depressed and an addict.

I'm depressed and an addict of a different kind. I don't do drugs, but I sleep around and I eat lots and lots of food.

Depression is genetic. One of my aunts was an addict and she takes antidepressants and has for years. My dad's sister was depressed and killed herself as well (though I know that she was also molested, and I'm sure the two are not mutually exclusive).

I feel so much less alone for knowing these things. As isolated as I felt 3 days ago, I have done an almost complete 180 since then.

I almost feel a sense of freedom with this knowledge. The shock was a burden for sure, but I don't feel weight pushing down on my shoulders quite like it did before.

When I get my new medical cards next month (for Kaiser - ugh!), I'm going to find a primary care physician and get on some meds. 3 people in my family have taken their own lives (that I know of) and I don't want to be the 4th. I'm not dumb. I feel good now, but something else will happen and send me very close to the edge. I need a little insurance that will keep me safe.

::deep breaths::

I've calmed down a lot since yesterday. I'm still very hurt and angry at my parents, but I'm not depressed and suicidal. I was really distraught yesterday.

is right - finding out that information doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change much now I think of my parents either. I already knew they were liars. I think part of me was also hurt because the image I had in my head of my grandfather was shattered.

But finding out about his death and his life, it made me realize why I am the way I am (with depression) and how my aunt came to be a drug user herself. And maybe why my dad has always said that suicide is not a way out. And why my dad is so against drugs.

I think I was also just upset because it's yet more lies that are piled on top of other lies and I'm sick and tired of them not telling me the truths about things.

I do plan on confronting them. Perhaps not next week at Christmas, but another time. I think I deserve some honest answers.

Sorry if I freaked anyone out last night. A good night's sleep and some retail therapy did me some good.

Lies Lies Lies

I went to my grandma's house to visit with her and my aunt today. Mostly visit with my aunt since I knew that my grandma would be mostly out of it. And she was. She's at home for "comfort care". She's home to die. She's on pain meds (morphine) and anti-anxiety drugs (because the morphine kinda makes her loopy and crazy). It's sad to see her so small and fragile (she weighs probably 95 pounds - I lifted her a few times today and she was easy to lift), but I was surprised to find that I wasn't as upset as I'd expected.

My aunt's friend was there for a while, but after about 3pm, I was there with my aunt, just talking and caring for my grandma. In talking with my aunt, I discovered a few things about my family that I never knew. The most shocking thing was finding out that my Papa, my grandfather, didn't die of diabetes complications as I had been told. He shot himself in the head in my grandmother's basement. The second that came out of my aunt's mouth, I had to walk away. I lost it. My mom told me a blatant lie about how he died. At some point, she did say something that contradicted it, so I knew she hadn't told me the truth about it, but to find out that he took his own life put me in a state of shock. I'm still in shock, 2 hours later.

I also found out that he was a heroin junkie.

And that my other aunt had been married, too...to a junkie.

And my grandmother had a second husband who was also a junkie and died from an overdose.

I also got confirmation that my mother had been married before my dad and got divorced because he cheated on her. He had been her high school sweetheart. She'd had a big church wedding and my aunts were her bridesmaids.

I am so angry at my parents for lying to me about everything my whole life. And not just lying, but for acting like life didn't exist before they got together. Did you know that I don't even know my dad's siblings' names? I didn't know I had an uncle until he came here 5 or 6 years ago for the first time (he grew up in Germany). I didn't know I had an older sister until I was 10 and she was 18 and she came to live with us for a couple months.

I have a photo on my refrigerator of my great-grandmother Lupe with her husband, my great-grandfather, and I don't even know his name! (Though now I have proof that I'm part Filipino).

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea who my parents are. Or where I come from.

And now I'm questioning ever finding a husband and having kids. Why would I want to bring someone into a family that lies? Why do I want to be in this family? What the fuck?

I don't know my ass from my elbow right now as I type this.

I want to confront my parents, but don't exactly know how. The next time I see them will be Christmas but at this point, I don't even want to see them at all. I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry. And it took all my strength not to drive myself into a brick wall or a tree on my way home. I'm doing my best not to grab the scissors that are across the room from me and cut the shit out of myself.

So as a distraction, I've put on Eclipse and will do my best to keep distractions going by catching up on FB and my blogs. But I honestly don't know how well that's going to work.

I'm just at a loss. I'm distraught. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. And numb. All at the same time.

Why does everyone I care about lie to me?

Fatty Fatty 2 by 4

So I intended to give blood at the American Red Cross today, but was turned away because my blood pressure was too high. The first time the nurse took it, she got something like 200/115. The 2nd time she got 182/110. The 3rd and 4th time, she got 162/108. Their limit is 180/100 and you have to be under both to give. I couldn't get there.

I quit smoking in June or July and assumed that would lower my BP because it always has in the past. I don't know what's different now, but I am so not happy.

I walked out of the Red Cross office and had to do the walk of shame in front of about 5 other people waiting to donate. I was so emberassed and so depressed. I still want to cry now, almost 12 hours later.

I think I've decided that when I move into my new place, I'm going to go vegetarian and eventually vegan. This is my last ditch effort to change my ways before I find a doctor to get some kind of bariatric surgery. I don't want to end up on a myriad of pills by the time I'm 40. I also don't want to look like my mother in 30 years. I know it's not going to be easy by any means. I freakin love meat and chicken, but if I make myself go vegetarian/vegan, I'll force myself to stop using convenience foods as a crutch. I'll stop looking at vegetables as an option. And going vegan will force me to cut out most junk food, too.

I just can't live like this anymore.


Edited to add: BTW, this has nothing to do with my physical appearance. Frankly, I think I look good. I'm always told I look good and even got told I was beautiful by a perfect stranger this morning. I don't need to lose weight to look good, I need to lose weight so I can live to 100 and continue tormenting people, making more enemies, and loving my friends. ;o)

How long will I be picking up the pieces

Finally updating on my Awesome-tastic Wednesday!!

My friend Amy and I had tickets to the Pick Up The Phone tour featuring Blue October. Blue October is one of my favorite bands and I've been eagerly waiting for them to come to San Francisco. I'm pretty sure I bought my tickets the second they went on sale. LOL.

While Blue October was in town, they did a short acoustic set at Crissy Field for Please Don't Jump. This group was created to help save a San Francisco resident who sent in an anonymous postcard to Postsecret threatening to throw themself off the Golden Gate Bridge this summer.


At this event, there were speakers from the Suicide Hotline as well as family members of 2 people who took their lives jumping from the bridge and a bridge jumping survivor. He jumped from the bridge 10 years ago today and is grateful to be alive and is working towards building a suicide barrier to prevent anyone else from joining the list of 1500 known jumpers who have died.


Here's one of the songs they sang. Should Be Loved.


It was a very beautiful event. We were invited to sign the banner.



After this event, Amy and I killed some time by hanging out in Crissy Field since it was a gorgeous day, then headed downtown for lunch at Max's Opera Cafe and get in line for the 7pm concert (which ended up being at 8, but whatever). We got really great spots in the venue. We were at The Regency Ballroom. There's no handicap seating (Amy's in a wheelchair), but we got there early enough to get a spot in the front row at the left side of the stage. We were OK there for a while, but this ignorant girl standing in front of Amy kept backing into Amy and accusing Amy of ramming her in the ankles. I almost punched the bitch out. If I hadn't been so excited to see Blue October, I would have. She was so damn rude, I couldn't believe it.

The concert was awesome!! The energy was amazing. Justin Furstenfeld is one of the best performers I've ever seen. He and Jared Leto take the cake. They live their lyrics, but Justin really takes it to a whole new level. He writes everything that he feels. A lot of it is real dark and most of Blue October's fans are people who have experienced a lot of those dark feelings and thoughts he's had. This is the second time I've seen them live and was just as amazed and blown away as the first.

Me and Amy


Justin (we were SUPER close!!!)


Here's my video of "18th Floor Balcony". This is one of my favorite songs of theirs.


After the concert, we waited around back to see if we could maybe get an autograph.....WE DID!! And got pics with Justin!!



He squished his face on my face!!!! OMG! I had my arm around his sweaty back and his was around mine. OMG. Swooooooon!!!!


After that epic day, I have been on a serious awesome letdown. LOL. I don't know how any other show will top this day.

If you want to see the entire day in pictures, click here.

Taking Control

I'm sure I've mentioned this many times before, but I'm seriously tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my life. I go through the motions of every day, but I rarely feel as though I've lived my day. I just exist. I'm tired of just existing. I really want to start living.

Over on Facebook, I've rediscovered old high school friends and see that all these people that I entered adulthood with have lived so much better lives than I have. No, I'm not trying to compete, I'm absolutely jealous. These people seem to have just done what they wanted and have lived happy lives. I know that everyone has times that are not as great as others, but my rough spot has lasted for years and years.

Now that I'm 30 years old, I can't allow this to continue. I'm not getting any younger here.

Yes, this goes back to that procrastination issue I posted about a week and a half ago. Yes, procrastination got the better of me and I still have yet to get on that damn elliptical. But, in my defense, all last week, temps were near or over 100 degrees and my garage isn't air conditioned. Also, I got pretty beat up at work and ran myself until I was sick. Not so good.

So now begins another week and I'm going to get started on getting myself a little healthier.

I'm also going to try a little harder to find a full time job. I need to do this for me. I thought I'd like staying home and not working or only working part time, but I hate having to ask for money or asking to spend money. I'm a grown adult, I shouldn't have to do this. I want to be free to spend my money how I want to spend it.

Speaking of spending money, I've come across quite a few plus-size fashion blogs (Young, Fat & Fabulous, Fatshionable, Big Gurl Fashion, and Five Favorite Things). These are blogs of average plus sized women who have found great ways and great places to dress their bodies. I want to be more fashionable. It's not that I have bad taste in clothing, I just want to have more of an edge and wear more than just ribbed tank tops and jeans. I also want to learn to wear heels again. LOL. It's been so long since I wore heels on a regular basis, but I really like heeled shoes. It'll help with my coordination, too. LOL.

But I'm getting side tracked (as usual). I want to take control of my life. I want to be selfish. I don't want other people calling the shots. I don't want to be told what my plans are. I want to make my own plans. I want to do my own thing. Being a people pleaser has gotten me in this situation and it hasn't made me happy.

I'm taking control. I'm going to make myself happy.

Procrastination

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? That's always been my motto. I consider myself to be one of the greatest procrastinators of all time. I've always been this way. If I'm told I have a deadline for something, I wait until the 11th hour, if I even do it at all. School homework was often late. Work projects are completed minutes before they need to be turned in. Most of the time my procrastination was never an issue, just maybe a small kick in the pants when I got something done late and got into trouble for it.

However, I've come to realize that my procrastination has really caught up with me and I'm not happy.

I'm an SA advocate and novice activist. SA is Size Acceptance. It's taken me a long time to learn to love my body and accept that I'll never be a size 2, or even a size 10. It really does take a lot of work to get to this place - to see myself as being beautiful when society tells me I'm disgusting.

While I do have a strong belief that genetics and hormones have aided me in becoming the size I am, I know that what I put into my body doesn't help and neither does my lack of exercise. That being said, I do need to state that my cholesterol is just fine, as is the rest of my bloodwork. Yes, I do have slightly elevated blood pressure, but that is due to the fact that I am a smoker. So, while I may be out of shape, I am not unhealthy.

What has gotten me upset is that I weighed myself recently and discovered that I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought. I am now greatly aware that my belly sticks out farther than my breasts. 20 pounds ago, that wasn't the case.

Now, where does the procrastination come in, you ask. I have an elliptical machine in my garage. It's collecting dust. I haven't used it once since we moved last November and have used it less than a dozen times since I bought it from a friend 2 years ago. I always say "Oh, I'll start using it tomorrow." or "I'll start my exercise program on Monday." Tomorrow and Monday always comes and goes and I have yet to set foot in my garage to use it and now it's caught up with me.

I hate exercising. It's really the bane of my existence. But I know that exercising makes me feel better (once the burn wears off), I have more energy, and my mood is greatly improved. But I have no energy to get down there in the first place. At least, I think, I've found motivation - to make my belly smaller than my boobs again.

I'll never be skinny, nor will I ever be thin. I'll always be "thick" or fat. It's a fact of life, and that's just fine with me. I just don't feel good where I'm at right now. My first goal is just to get back under 250. Idealy, I would like to weigh under 220, but we'll see how getting under 250 goes. Although, to be honest, I don't really care what I weigh. I don't give a crap about that number. It's the fact that I look down and see belly first, not my toes.

The number that I actually do care about is my pant size. I currently wear a size 22 (which, oddly enough, is what I wore 20 pounds ago. LOL. That's how I didn't even notice I gained weight!!) in pants. My top size did go up, though. I'm now in a 3x top. That bugs me. I would like to get down to a 1x top and a "teen" pant size; out of the 20's.

And this is where you come in! I need help. I need people to be on my ass about getting some of this weight off. I need help to get my ass downstairs, into the garage, and onto the elliptical. I do have some inspiration (Jen @ The Amazing Trips, Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew?, Gen @ The McNulty Quads, and Emily @ The Wright Five) for not just sitting around on my butt all day. These women are either on weight loss journeys or are training for marathons and walks for cancer research. Jen's What's In You Wednesdays always strike a chord in me, but I never do anything about it. It really eats at me just how lazy I am.

I don't want to do that anymore. A year ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV and I pledged to do the AIDS walk this year. I didn't do it. I've always wanted to do the Bay to Breakers. I never have. I want to do the Avon 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I never have. I know I don't have to be skinny to do these things, but if I get my energy up, I can do them. If I stop being a procrastinator I can do them.

So maybe now that I've put this out there for the world to see, I'll hold myself accountable and stop putting things off for tomorrow. I know it'll be hard work, but I can't have this mentality anymore. It's caused me to miss out on a lot of things/people/stuff and I don't want to continue on that path.

Perhaps I'll start "Motivation Mondays" and blog about my progress with my procrastination issue. Maybe if I just work at keeping things in the forefront of my mind (and my blog) I'll be more likely to stick with working on this and not just give up after only one or two tries. We'll see how this goes, but hopefully even this entry will be motivation enough.

Wish me luck!

Blah Blah Blah

I've been in a very unhappy mood lately. There's not really a single reason for it, there's a multitude of things that have added up to a lot of stress and bad feelings. The thing is, I have no idea how to remedy any of the things I'm going through right now.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've applied for a couple of full time Manager jobs for storage companies (that's what I did full time for the last 3 years). Money has been a small stress factor. It's not huge, but I would honestly like to go back to the standard of living that we had when Jenn and I both worked full time in SF. We also need the extra money to save up to buy a car. Right now I'm using my dad's truck on and off, but it'd be nice to have my own vehicle.

Also, it seems that if we do proceed with having a baby with Miguel, we may be on our own without financial help. His boyfriend happened to mention to me that Miguel is wanting to quit work and go back to school. If that happens, he's got no income to help us out - that's how we'd be able to afford having me stay home once kids come. But without that support it's not going to be possible.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that we're going to proceed with trying to have babies with Miguel. With this new information about him going back to school, and with him not even attempting to approach me about the baby making since I got back from Oregon on June 29th, I don't know that he's the right fit anymore. I just don't want to have to chase him down to see his child or to deal with whatever responsibility that needs taking care of.

I also feel like I've sacrificed so much by only working part time. I've become a real cheapskate. LOL. I try not to buy things if I don't have to. I mean, I go 8 weeks or more between dye jobs to help save money. lol. I don't drink the way I used to. I don't smoke nearly as much as I did. I only buy clothes for work and when I do, they're really on sale. But there are things in this house that no one wants to cut back on - like cable, or magazines, or beer, or books, or eating out or quit smoking completely (though we're trying to make the end of this month the quit date). In short, it'll just make my life happier if I can just have my own, larger income so I don't have to worry about this stuff.

In addition to that, one of the jobs I applied for has both Jenn and I worried that it's a posting for her position here. It's probably irrational to think that way because Jenn hasn't been given warnings or write ups for anything, but it's still kind of worrysome. I wish that I'd get a response back so we'd know for sure.

I'm just so tired of being rundown, stressed out, and depressed. I need medical insurance to get on some kind of antidepressant. I need to be happy. I'm so tired of being miserable. I've been miserable most of my life. I just can't live this way anymore.

I think finding a full time job would be the start, I just don't know where to go after that.