Thursday, April 30, 2009

Son of a...

Dammit...I lost my list of Mommy blogs. I was updating my background and it somehow got lost.


Well, I guess I know what I'm doing the rest of the day...finding all those blogs and putting them back...


That didn't take too long. Thankfully almost everyone is friends with each other, so i was able to start with the McNulty Quads and branched out from there. LOL. If I missed anyone I'll figure it out later when I read through the list. Man, that sucked. I know I'm missing someone, but because I'm sleepy I can't figure it out. LOL. Whatever you do, don't screw with your blog's Layout and HTML without having a list of your blogger buddies written down somewhere first!! lol

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Baby making news - and a sign from God?

So Miguel responded back. He apologized for not calling when he's not coming over or going out of town. He's gonna make a better attempt at letting me know what's going on with him via email if he can't call or whatever. He agrees that a break will be good for all of us - so we can recharge. He also said that he'd pitch in for the fertility monitor pee sticks for the Clear Blue Ovulation Monitor and that he'd help us out with the insems. He's a nurse, so it wouldn't be that weird. LOL.

He's still very much wanting to do this, I think he's just naturally kind of flighty and isn't changing his mind about having a baby with me. I'm glad for that. When we come back to start doing this again, we'll have a much better idea for what we're in for and be able to, i think (and hope), have a more successful outcome.

Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement during these last few months. I've greatly appreciated it.


A friend of mine came down from Sacramento to have coffee. While we were sitting out front of Starbucks, we were approached by a guy who said he was on a scavenger hunt. He's in town on a church mission thing from Redding and said that God told him that there was someone on the porch of Starbucks, with tattoos, that he needed to speak with. My friend, his friend that came down with him, and myself all have tattoos. The street minister had actually written it down on a paper and showed it to us. It was freaky. Specifically, the tattoo was of a cross. All 3 of us had crosses. Where the guy was coming from, he couldn't have seen any of those tattoos. My friend's and mine were actually 90% covered by clothing.

In any case, he talked to with my friend about ministering (my friend had done it for a short time with a church youth group in Sacramento a few years ago), and then asked if he could pray for us in anyway or lay a blessing on us. We allowed. I didn't really say much, just let him speak and took everything in. As he laid his blessing on us, I asked for God's help in having a baby. I also prayed for guidance in my life. It's not something I normally would have done, but I honestly felt that this guy really was sent to us for help.

I've struggled with religion, and with faith, for a long time. I went to Catholic school from the 6th grade through HS Graduation. Even as a small child, attending CCD classes on Saturdays, I had issues with the Catholic Church. I've always found so many contradictions in Catholicism that I couldn't honestly get behind it. Once, in my early 20's, I attended a Methodist turned non-denominational church in San Francisco. The difference between this church and the Catholic Church was like night and day. In the Catholic Church, all I was ever told was that I was a sinner and I'd go to hell if I didn't follow the bible to the T. But since I had found so many contradictions, I couldn't ever feel like I could live up to these standards. I was tired of being told I was wrong about everything I believed in. And then I found this church that a friend took me to once and I felt, for the first time in my life, that God was all around and that He loved me unconditionally. At this church, there was no mention of sinners or hell, it was all about Love and Faith. It was a truly uplifting experience.

I wanted to go back, but I never did. I always made excuses - the biggest being that I was afraid of what others (my friends) might think if I just decided to go to church. Honestly, I even feel like I shouldn't go to church. It's the Catholic guilt - I live a homosexual lifestyle, I'm an adulterer (several times over) - I don't know that I belong in church. None of my friends are church going people. The only person I know that goes to Church is Jenn's mom and that's a very conservative Church. I would definitely not be or feel welcome there (nor am I even sure that her mom would be willing to take me there). Maybe I should look them up in the phone book and go to different Sunday services until I find the right one.

I've said in an earlier post that I feel lost. I think today was a sign that even though I'm lost, someone's still looking out for me and I think that I need to look back. I just feel like I need to do something. I'm tired of being afraid.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Cycle's not good news...

so..yeah..still not pregnant. i guess that spotting i had was just a fluke. i really don't have much to say about it, but i did send miguel the following email. i feel a lot better after having voiced my thoughts.

Hi Honey.

Sorry to contact you this way, but I don't have your regular email and it's too long to text (and I'm horrible on the phone). lol period showed up this morning. I think I want to take a little break. Since my birthday is next month, I want to take the month off so that I can have a crazy, drunk time for my 30th without worrying about the consequences of not conceiving after having tried the week before.

I think this will also give us all some time to get our heads clear and back in the game. When we start again, I really think that we need to be more aggressive. I'm gonna try to get those IUI instruments to help. I'm going to try to get Jenn to quit smoking so I can quit, too. And I need you to be there when I need you. If you're going to be out of town when I let you k now it's time, you need to tell me - it hurts my feelings when you just don't show up and don't call or anything. I'm not expecting you to rearrange your life for this baby-making stuff, just keep me informed so we can rearrange the baby-making schedule around other stuff.

I know you're probably frustrated. So am I. I never imagined this would take so long. The monthly disappointment is almost too much for me to bear, but I know it's not the end of the world, either. We'll get there. In the grand scheme of things, trying for 9 or 10 months isn't really that long. I'm trying to be patient, as I'm sure we all are, but it's hard. We'll get there.

I'll talk to you soon! Love you!


hopefully i'll get a positive response.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


So I now own more black clothing than I have in the last 5 years combined. LOL. I lived in black clothing in my early 20's, then hit 25 and discovered a love of pink. This love phased out my dark & disturbed clothing, so up until today, I owned 2 pairs of black shorts (one was a "work" pair) and about 4 tops (not including tank tops). Even my shoes have been colorful - only 2 pairs of black shoes (one actually has a white skull pattern on it). Today I purchased a black polo (@ Target), a pair of black capris (Dickies from Ross...I saw the exact same pair at Gottschalks for 3 times the price!!), a pair of black "short pants" (they're super floods. LOL. you could also call them long capris...they come to about 2 inches above my ankle), and 2 pairs of flats from Payless (they're doing a BOGO 1/2 off) - one is all black, the other are black with white polka dots.

I just washed all my laundry (I always lack in that department and end up doing 3 large loads on one day) and all that new black stuff, with shirts i already have, I was amazed by how many items I now own that are black. LOL.

But black's slimming, so it's all good! Plus I can wear all this stuff outside of work, too, so I feel much better about my purchases. I spent about $80, but saved probably $60 by taking advantage of sales (Payless) and using discount stores (Target and Ross).

Now I'm ready to start working. LOL.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

She works hard for the money!

So i got a call about an hour or so ago from my supervisor at work. I was asked to come in on Thursday from 10 - 12 for orientation to "graduate" to floor sales. Whee! This means way more hours and working with customers! I'll still be doing the floor sets, but I'll have addition hours with the daytime crew. I am so excited. This will make things so much easier for us...even if it's just a few hours a week, that little bit of extra money will be a huge help.

I will have to go immediately after my orientation to Torrid (just across the hall) and buy black clothing. That's our uniform at Bath & Body Works. Thankfully, it's pretty lax other than that. I can wear shorts (but not too short), capris, button ups, non-button ups, polos, etc, and as far as shoes go, i really don't think it matters. lol. but i think those have to be black, too. The store manager was wearing flip flops one day. I can't wear those all day, so I'll stick with my converse and ballet flats, thankyouverymuch! ;o)

This extra money is going to be so helpful when I take my trip to see Riki in June, and the week we're with Jenn's family (also in Oregon in June).

Anyway...just needed to share my good news! news on the baby front yet. I'm doing my very best to be patient! LOL. Today's day 31, so it's not much longer now.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

New Video

OK,I know I already posted a video for the week, but this one was too awesome not to repost.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Cycle 9 - TMI, you have been warned! lol

So we did insems on last Saturday and Monday - CD13 and CD15. We were supposed to also do it on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday again. Miguel sprung on me last minute that he and his bf were going to Tahoe for a couple days, so we lost out on Wednesday. We were supposed to get together Friday, but that didn't happen. I asked him to text me Saturday morning so we could insem again and I didn't hear from him. I'm really tired of having to chase him down to do this.

Anyway...yesterday, I had noticed when I peed that my hoohaw gave off a scent. Kind of like the "end of period" smell I get. Not bad, just kind of irony, I guess. Each time I used the restroom, I checked for any spotting or anything like that. I honestly thought maybe my period was coming early. The third time I had used the restroom, i got a little bit of brownish discharge. There were like 3 or 4 spots that were like 2mm in diameter. There's been nothing since.

I don't normally spot during my cycle. I mentioned it to Jenn because I wondered if it was implantation spotting. According to the internets it might be, but I can't really be 100% sure.

I thought that last weekend's insems were too early, but maybe I'm wrong. My OPKs showed a slight elevation in hormones the Friday before the first insem (april 3rd), and then nothing until Thursday, the 9th when I got slight elevations again, then another elevation Friday. I'm wondering if I ovulated way early - like on CD12 and Friday's OPK was showing the tail end of the hormones left in my system - and Saturday's insem worked for then. I've actually wondered for a while if I was ovulating twice, but things have been inconclusive.

Anyway...that's where I'm at right now. I think there may have been implanting yesterday, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up, either. However, this is the first time I've had this breakthrough spotting since we started. LOL. I'm excited, but not. LOL. But I'm going to wait until the end of next week to take an HPT if my period doesn't come. I don't feel safe until I'm past that CD34 milestone. lol.

Video of the Week

I came across this today via Twitter friends: Susan Boyle, a 47-year-old woman singing on Britain's Got Talent. You should see this!
(sorry, doesn't embed)

She's Paul Potts version 2.0. LOL. Here's Paul's video (CAUTION! May cause tearing up or full blown crying. LOL!):

He went on to win the competition.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Death, Dying, & Surgery

A good [internet] friend of mine made a post on her LiveJournal today. Her boyfriend of 2 years passed away unexpectedly late Tuesday night. They think it was either a massive heart attack or a pulmonary embolism. They won't have the autopsy results for a little while longer.

She's absolutely devastated. This man was her life. In all of the 7 years I've known her, I've never seen her happier. She met her BF soon after her divorce from her (now) exhusband and have been living together for 1.5 years. They don't have kids together, but he had a 5 year old that he had physical custody of.

Honestly, I'm kind of worried about her. I know lots of you are the praying type, so when you're saying your prayers tonight, please throw in one for her.

Another internet friend of mine, whom I've never met in person, is currently watching her mom die from lung cancer. Her mom was only just diagnosed last year, but it was already Stage IV. None of her treatments have worked. Hospice is already called in. There's only days left.

Also, a couple weeks ago, my grandmother had a routine scan of her lungs and was found to have 2 new "spots" on her lungs. She had a cancerous spot removed from her lung 15 years ago and has been clean since. Thankfully these 2 spots should be able to be removed cleanly as well, with minimal after care (a pill should do the trick). Her surgery is on Monday. My grandmother means the world to me. I've been not the greatest grandkid, unfortunately, but I'm still her favorite. LOL.

In short, please keep Joyce, Debby (and their families!), and my Grandma Mercy in your prayers tonight. I'd greatly appreciate it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Opening Day at AT&T Park

So last week my dad called and asked if I was busy on Tuesday, the 7th. I told him of course I wasn't, I don't work. LOL. So he invited me to the Giants season opener. Through a series schedule changes between him and a couple of coworkers, he got the 7th off without even really knowing it was Opening Day. When he realized it, my mom got him tickets for the game (She works for Levi Strauss and can get tickets for free because they have a section of seating just for employees - it's directly above right field...conveniently called Levi's Landing.).

There were 6 tickets, so my dad also invited his best friend Carl (whom he's known longer than I've been alive), another friend named John that he's known for about 7 or 8 years, and my brother. We ended up having an extra ticket, but we kept it so we had some extra room (the seating in the Landing is benches, not regular seats, so we got some extra butt room...turns out it was very needed. lol.)

So my I met my dad at his house in Concord at 9:30, then we hopped on BART to get downtown. Once downtown, we walked through a little bit of rain towards the stadium. We stopped at the Gordon Biersch brewery for a morning snack and a couple of beers. LOL. It was just after 11am. lol.


We got to the stadium just after 12pm and met up with Carl, then hung out waiting for John. My brother had his ticket already, so we'd meet him inside.

This was our view:

Since it had been raining, they coverd up the infield with a tarp to preserve it. At the begining of the game, some of us were worried that we'd end up with a rain delay or a cancellation because of the rain. Aside from a light drizzle for 5 minutes after we entered the stadium, the rain stopped for the day.


Taylor Hicks was on hand to sing the National Anthem. He's in town doing Grease, so I guess the Giants figured they'd just borrow him for the morning. LOL. A giant flag was also pulled across the entire field by volunteers:


Captain "Sully" Sullenberger was also at the game to throw out the first pitch. He's a local (lives in Danville), so I thought that was way cool that they asked him to come out. You'd think he'd have been invited to do the Yankee's game. LOL.

Then the players came out...I could practically touch Randy Winn in right field. Well, not quite since I was like 3 stories up, but it was pretty cool!


I snuck a picture of the boys because I didn't figure they'd be up for a photo shoot. LOL.

From the far end, to the front is my dad, John, Carl, and Mike (my brother).

And, of course, the obligatory self portrait. lol

That was already after 3 beers and a foot-long bratwurst. I *heart* stadium food. LOL.

The game was pretty cool. It was kind of a roller coaster in pace. The first inning was exciting and flew by...the next couple were slow as hell...then things picked up again as more runs were scored..then it slowed down, then the last inning picked up again.

This was the first game I've attended in a long time where the Giants actually won. LOL. I'd convinced myself that I was bad luck for the team. But the Giants spanked the Brewers - 10 to 6. Not too shabby. LOL.

After the game, everyone went their separate ways, Mike, Dad and I hopped in a cab to get to my brother's work to pick up his car and head home. My brother drives like a cabbie, but scares me more than a real cabbie. LOL. I hate the way he drives. Most people aren't agressive enough and he's TOO agressive. LOL. Anyway, we got back to their house and my mom had dinner ready for us - Soy sauce and garlic marinated salmon with rice and broccoli. One of my favorite meals. SOOOO yummy!!!

Then I came home and watched American Idol....I fell in love with Adam Lambert just a little bit more. Yes, I realize he's gay. I don't care. LOL.

If you read the whole post...thanks! I'm not usually this verbose, but I had an awesome time and wanted to share.

Friday, April 3, 2009

What's happening to today's kids?

So it's really no secret that I detest 90% of teenagers and young people. I have no tolerance for people who blatantly disregard and disrespect authority and their elders. I also have no tolerance for the parents of these hooligans who just don't give a crap about what their kids do, where they go, or how they act.

I love reality shows and the like, so I've been watching a lot of Most Daring on TRUtv. There are always clips of teenagers doing stupid, dangerous, cruel, and illegal things. The episode I just watched was entitled "Young and Dangerous" and it sickened me like you wouldn't believe. Kids with guns, holding up stores. Kids beating the crap out of each other so badly that someone loses consciousness and the aggressor runs off, leaving the victim on the ground. Kids running from cops, endangering everyone on the road. If I didn't watch as many of these shows, or read as much of the newspapers as I do, I would think all this stuff was made up, but it's not. I even witnessed 3 teenagers steal some guy's iPod on a MUNI train in San Francisco last year. When the victim ran after them to try to get it back, 2 of them (one a girl) turned and beat the crap out of the guy.

What the fuck is wrong with these kids? What the fuck is wrong with their parents? Where the hell are their parents? Where the hell is any good influence in their life?

Honestly, as much as I detest teenagers, I am also scared of them. I don't know if one is going to think I looked at them wrong when I'm walking through the mall and they decide to follow me and beat the crap out of me. I can't pick the good one from the bad one, so I just assume they're all bad. I know that's horrible of me to do, but given all I've witnessed in my life, I have no reason to like teenagers.

All I can boil it down to is absentee parents. It makes me sad, too, to know that these kids don't know right from wrong because they didn't have good influences in their lives. It's sad to know these kids will, most likely, be in and out of jail most of their lives. And it's down right depressing knowing that they don't think any higher of themselves. They think that they are just destined to be criminals and low lifes because no one has ever told them they were a good kid or told them they had potential to be something great.

And it hurts because I can't do anything about it. I can't fix them all. I can't fix even a lot of them. But, maybe one day, I can help even just one. I think once the babies come, I'm gonna try to go back to school and do social work.

It's never too late for college, right?