Money sucks, man.

So it's been a couple months since I last updated. I've been wanting to wait until I had difinitive answers to relay.

Back in June, I went to the girlie doctor and ended up with an abnormal pap. I had to go back for a procedure called a colposcopy. The doctor took a few samples of my cervical tissue for further testing. That came back bad. I was diagnosed with Cervical Displasia. It was in Stage 3, which is one step back from pre-cancer. 2 months after this all started, I was able to finally get things taken care of. I had a LEEP procedure on 8/8 that removed all affected tissue from my cervix. My doc did take just enough tissue to remove the bad cells, but left plenty of tissue that I shouldn't have any issues carrying children at some point.

I'm glad to be in better health, especially since I had no clue I was sick. Unfortunately I am now in incredible debt. I owe K.aiser $1800 in medical bills from these labs, plus my psych evaluations. I also finally got my bill from my Stanford ER visit. That's another $1200.

I also totalled the truck last month. Well, it's still driveable, but not entirely safe. I am doing minimal driving right now until I get my next bonus payout. At that time, we're selling the truck for whatever we can get and my parents will help me with a bit of money to buy me a car. I'm aiming for one that's less than 10 years old. It'll also be a sedan or compact, hopefully a manual transmission, and be good on gas. I'm thinking a Nissan Versa, Altima, or Maxima, or a new version Volkswagon Beetle. Those are my top choices. Hell, even a Dodge Neon like my dad has. But not the sport version as the shocks are horrible. LOL.

In the accident, I collided with an Audi and my insurance only covers $5000 in damages. There wasn't a whole lot of damage (she was able to drive to the side of the road, though her radiator was busted), but I'm sure it'll total more than $5000. Thankfully no one was hurt, but now I"m scared that I'll get sued for the balance of the damages. =o( I'll just have to wait and see on that.

So in that respect, my life sucks balls. Everything else is going pretty well, I suppose. My new friends are fabulous. I can't imagine life before Brittany. She is absolutely amazing. She's like the perfect friend for me. I went to hang out over at her house the other night to play cards. I don't think I've ever done that before! She grew up doing it and loves it but her husband doesn't play cards. She taught me a couple games. I had beginners luck and kicked her ass. LOL. It was fun. It's so nice to be friends with someone who doesn't use you.

My Twitter family is just awesome. I've made some good friends and I'm constantly meeting new people. It's great.

Anyway, that's all I have time for today. I'm trying to get my house clean so I can pull out the Halloween decorations. Hope you all are having a safe and fun Labor Day Weekend!

Making Improvements

So I've been going to doctors a bunch lately to get myself healthy. With medication, my blood pressure finally has a normal reading. That's the first time pretty much ever in my life. LOL. My new Kaiser doctor upped my quantity for my scripts so that I can have 100 days at a time instead of just 30. But Kaiser also has the mail order option, so I don't have to drive down to the hospital all the time for my meds. I see the girlie-parts doctor in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that I'll be able to start BC pills again so I have 2 forms of defence against making babies with people I'm not dating (or married to, for that matter).

I have been migraine free since I started those meds and I cannot tell you how happy I am. I used to live in fear of those damn things and now I don't even think of them anymore. =o)

I made a friend down here on the Peninsula. Her name's Brittany. She's married and has a 2 year old. She and her hubby invite me over for dinner and movie nights sometimes. B and I go get pedicures and stuff. I babysit for them sometimes. I really like them. It's been a long time since I've made new friends because I'm not easy to get along with. Plus, you know, I don't like people. LOL But B and I have this "me, too!" syndrome and it's awesome. They're giving me a punk musical education every time I go over, and B is introducing me to her favorite movies.


Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Holy hell I am old! LOL I spent it up in Sacramento like I did last year. The difference this year: I got to spend time with my ex-stepdaughter. Austin's daughter lives with him now and she's 15 freaking years old!! When the hell did that happen? LOL. The best thing is we fell into a comfortable conversation very quickly. She knows why I wasn't around all these years (because of her parents - her mom not allowing me to see her and all the times I fought with her dad and disappeared). She still loves me and I love her. She's turning into an awesome adult. Granted, she's still a sullen, cynical teenager, but still. LOL. She's so not her mother, but she is so her father. LOL. I don't know which would have been better. Before I even got to the house on Sunday, I guess she was already telling her dad that she wanted to invite me to her Sweet 16 party in December. I haven't seen this kid since she was 9 and she's just welcoming me back into her life like there wasn't any time missed. I cannot explain how happy that makes me.

I guess that's the big stuff. I'll try to post more often. ;o)

LA LA Land

I spent the weekend in LA visiting my friend cherrybombrandy. Brandy moved down there last summer and I've been wanting to get down there and visit her. We actually haven't seen each other in 6 years, even though when she lived in the bay area, we only lived an hour from each other. LOL. We were just running in different circles and our paths never managed to cross.

We didn't really have plans other than to hang out so we just went with the flow, got lost a few times, got caught in traffic a bunch of times, did some shopping and a lot of walking (I have the blisters to prove it!!).

My diet also went to shit, but whatever. I was on vacation. LOL. But I'm going to have to start a detox tomorrow. LOL.

On Friday night, we were at the shopping center at Hollywood and Highland to check out some shops. I saw some actor pass by us when we were having dinner at Johnny Rocket's, but I can't figure out his name. When I find it, I'll update my post because it's really bugging me that I can't remember his name or what movie it was that I saw him in.

Saturday we went to the FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandise) Scholarship Store and tore that place up. I got 3 tops, and 2 shrugs from Torrid, plus 2 necklaces, a bracelet, 4 or 5 pairs of earings and 3 rings all for $110. Big name retailers donate overstock and sample items to the store and all the proceeds go to a scholarship fund for the FIDM students. I was so excited with my find. I should find out if the FIDM school up here has the same store, too.

That night we went to the Santa Monica Pier. Brandy and I traded boots. She got these over the knee leather boots that are kind of biker-style. I had mid-calf boots with a low heel that were very girly. We made a permament trade, but with a condition that if either of us has need for the other boot, we'll mail them back and forth to each other. LOL. The funniest part is that her over the knee boots came right up just over my knee cap, and my mid-calf boot go to her knees. LOL. Weird. But they weren't the wisest shoe choice as we ended up walking around the shopping district across the street and both ended up with some blisters. It's painful to be hot. LOL.

Yesterday we had breakfast at this awesome French Restaurant/Boulangerie in Culver City. We both picked up some macarons to take home, too. LOL. Then we shopped a little more at Target and Ross while we killed time before we went to the taping of RuPaul's Drag U. Being at a taping of a TV show is really interesting, but there's A LOT of waiting around. And we couldn't leave because once they started taping, there was no stopping. We all got a chance to pee before we went inside the studio, but then we were stuck for another 3 hours.

Lady Bunny is one of their judges. She's so dirty and so funny and gorgeous! The other drag queens that they have on the show - Carmen, Raven, and Tyra are stunning. I wish I was that pretty. Seriously. It's a crime that drag queens are that beautiful. Other than that, I can't talk about the show. I'll watch the website and let you know when the episode will be on and maybe you'll get to see me. Hah!

I finally left LA at 9. I didn't have too many stops on the way home, but I still didn't get to Mom & Dad's until 3:45am.

It was a weekend of a lot of adventures, but that's how we like to do it. LOL. Next time I hope the weather is more forgiving. I really want to do the Hollywood sign hike. It sounds tough, but the views look spectacular. Be prepared, Brandy! We're doing it the next time I come down!!

I'm so bad at this

I'm such a horrible blogger. I could never do this professionally. I guess that's why I have so many readers. LOL.

Anyway...this is what's been going on with me:

After my ER incident, I made an appointment for that same Friday to see a doctor at Stanford about my blood pressure. She put me on 5mg Amlodipine to start immediately. She also did a blood draw to test 500 different things to see if there was any other cause for my blood pressure and obesity (yes, I said it). On Monday morning, I get a call from her office stating that they called in a second script for me to pick up at CVS. It's hydrochlorothiazide which is a diuretic.

So now I'm on 2 meds because I have a family history of high blood pressure that was bound to hit me at some point and unfortunately it hit me way early because I'm fat.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm on pills. I have alarms on my iPhone to tell me when to take my pill. I haven't missed one yet! It's impressive because I am horrible about taking medications of any kind. I mean, I've had a cold for the last 4 days and have forgotten to take my DayQuil I don't know how many times. LOL.

On Monday night, at about 9:30, my electric water heater shorted out and caught fire. I was watching TV when I heard a couple of pops and some hissing. It took me a minute to figure it out, but then I saw my water heater on fire. I ran into the store office to grab a fire extinguisher, then put it out. I was so freaked out I don't even remember finding my phone to call 911. I was grateful that I still had a bra on when the fire department showed up. They were hotties! The fire was tiny. The worst of the damage was that my entire house ended up covered in Chem Dry from the extinguisher. It took a few days to clean up the entire mess, but only 1 to get a new water heater.

Believe me when I say I prayed to the Lord that night for allowing me to be home when that happened. If I wasn't, I would have lost everything, including my cats, and the business would have caught fire.

I was supposed to have a follow up doctor's appointment on Tuesday, but had to deal with the fire situation and wait for the plumbers to replace my water heater. It's been rescheduled for this Thursday morning. I do feel like the meds are working. I don't feel hot all the time. I feel normal temperature now. And I haven't had a headache in a week!

This week I've also started monitoring my calorie intake and working out on my elliptical. I downloaded the LoseIt app for my phone and am tracking everything. I set the weight loss pretty low so that I have a realistic expectation for weight loss. 1.5 pounds per week. My daily budget is still 2100 calories. Honestly, using this app has made me realize just how much I over eat. I knew I did already, but this pretty much slapped me in the face. But I'm eating better. Making wiser choices. I'm measuring food! LOL But I'm doing OK. I think this app may be the best thing to help me in watching what I eat. I'm still eating "normally", but I'm making better choices in how much I eat and making better choices about what I put in my mouth.

On Friday I received a copy of my blood test results. Everything's freakin normal! I don't have high cholesterol or any bad numbers of any kind. I also don't have HIV or Hepatitis.

So this is what's happened to me since my last post. Exciting, huh? ;o) haha.


OH! and I am making plans to hit up Vegas in late September to visit my Las Vegas Girlfriend Joyce. =o) I haven't seen that woman in over 4 years. October 2006 was when I was there last and I got to hang out with her for a night. Now she's gonna get me for 4 or 5 days! I'm so excited. =oD I'm crossing my fingers that I'll bonus this quarter and I can get my plane tickets next month. Woot! Told you I was getting on a plane this year!

Adventures are a-comin!

So this is the year of adventures! I'm creating my own fun.

Adventure number 1 is in the works: A roadtrip to L.A. to see Brandy next month. I'll be going down on a Friday and come home Sunday. I'm so excited!! I've never gone so far by myself. I've only driven 2 hours alone. This will be fun. I already ordered a car charger for my iphone. LOL. My dad has offered me the use of his car for the trip because it'll go faster and use less gas than the truck. LOL.

I wish I'd have time to see my other friends like Tiffany, the Dans, and meet Tammie (one of my fake internet friends). But I think they'll have to wait for another trip. I haven't seen Brandy in about 2 years I think. And she was only 25 or 30 miles from me the whole time we've known each other! LOL.

I'm also starting to plan my next adventure...Vegas in June. I haven't seen Joyce in I don't even remember how many years. I may rent a car for that one, but I'll save up my PTO and I should get another bonus paid out in April. I make my last car payment to my dad in May, and will have all my money to myself starting in June.

I'm so excited for this year. You have no idea! I'm sure I'll have plenty of mini adventures, and the big ones will be few and far between, but there will be adventures! =o)

I've decided that I need to fly on a plane this year. I just don't know where the funds will come from or where I'll go yet, but I'm going to fly on a plane!

Teenage Dream

I am so far behind with blog reading. I moved into my parents house on October 9t or 10th, I think, and moved into my new apartment last weekend. I haven't had much internet time and don't even have a connection at my new house yet. I have to get DirectTV for my cable and have to get a separate phone/internet account. I haven't had time to do that yet. When I get back online at home, I'll get you a full update. The last 5 weeks have been an adventure to say the least. Hope you are all well. I'll catch up when I can.

Home is where the heart is

and currently my heart resides in Concord. In my mom's craft room.

Technically I am homeless as I do not have a permanent address. Thankfully my parents are freakin awesome and are taking me in for a month until I start work at my new store.

Yes, I said new store! I got promoted and will be the resident Property Manager down in Palo Alto. Know who my neighbors are? Stanford and NASA!! Both are within about 5 miles from my store. When I'm down there, I feel my IQ getting higher. LOL. I told my dad that I'm going to hang out in libraries and meet someone smart. LOL

Currently all my stuff resides in a 10x20 storage unit at my new facility. It's weird to think my entire life is packed in boxes and is sitting in, essentially, a garage. I officially take that store in about a month. I'm staying with my current district and store until my DM hires and trains someone new. The sooner the better! LOL. But for now, I'll be sleeping on an air mattress in my mom's craft room and eating homemade food and saving a bunch of money on gas.

For those wondering why I had to move in with my parents this month - Jenn got her other job. She gave me notice last Wednesday and Saturday was the ONLY day I could move before her last day which is this coming Friday. It wasn't very much notice, but oh well, things worked out since I got my new job offer the same day. Plus my mom's been wanting me to hang around more often and now she doesn't have a choice! LOL.

I spent last Thursday and Friday packing, setting up my storage unit, and moving (moving with my dad's help. He's the bomb!!). I'm so freakin exhausted, it's ridiculous (STILL! 3 days later! lol). I do have to go back to the old apartment and clean up a few last things. That'll get done on Thursday, when I have a day off again.

Anyway..that's the newest from me! Hopefully I don't kill my mother at any point over the next month. LOL.

Oopsie Doodle

I wrote these blogs a few days ago and never posted them here. LOL. Here's what's new with me:


Friday 9/17
My allergies are kicking my rear end! I never had allergies growing up. I guess living in Daly City and San Francisco didn't allow much pollen in my life. Living in the East Bay Area has introduced a whole new world to me. LOL. My allergies have been steadily getting worse and worse and this latest change in seasons is killing me. I don't know if this is anything you could ever get used to. I'm trying a new allergy medicine to see if that helps. It's a melt-away tablet that's just the generic Target brand, but we'll see how that works out. In the mean time I have to deal with daily sinus headaches...just when I quit smoking, lower my blood pressure and get rid of my weekly migraines. Oh joy! LOL


As far as moving in with my parents goes: It's not going to happen. My parents agree that we're going to hold that off as long as possible...until it becomes a "have to" situation. In the mean time, I have somehow found extra money to give my parents, so that's a good thing!


Now, with work: I'm still at my non-residential facility, but should be talking to a district manager next week about a couple stores he's got open that have apartments. I'll have to stay at my current store for about another month so we can get someone trained to take it from me (we're short handed, so I can't leave yet regardless if I get the job or not). So please cross your fingers for me that I get this new store! I'm so sick of commuting to work. I'm living in limbo again and want to be settled. The stores that are available are in Palo Alto and Mountain View which are in the southern peninsula area of the bay. I haven't lived in the 650 area code in almost 7 years. It's gonna be weird! LOL.


Tonight I have tickets to see Paramore in San Jose. My friend that was going with me (and bought the tickets as a birthday present to me) is having some medical issues and can't make it tonight. I need someone to go with me. I'm trying to prepare myself to go it alone, but I don't do anything alone, so it's gonna be rough. lol. Any of you want to go? ;o)


So that's what's new with me. I gotta update more. I keep meaning to, but then I put it off until it's too late at night and I want to go to bed. LOL.



Sunday 9/19
So I never did get anyone to take my extra ticket for the Paramore concert...I went by myself. I was really amazed at myself. Before I left my house to drop my stuff off at my parents house, I just decided I was gonna go. That was it. I was going and I'm not second guessing it. So I drove to Concord, dropped my bags off at my parents house, jumped back in my truck and drove to San Jose.

Of course I got lost on the way down. LOL. Sort of. I took my exit in the wrong direction, then I passed up the parking lot and had to make a u-turn. LOL. Oh well. I got there and it wasn't as uncomfortable as I'd feared being there alone. I had a good time. I was actually really kind of glad I ended up alone if I wasn't with Amy because I know the other 2 people that might have taken the ticket would have brought my good time down. Both of those people are kind of snarky (one WAY more so than the other) and would have just annoyed me all night. At least I can keep my comments to myself.

I don't do things like that alone. I've gone to county fairs, movies, the drive in, baseball games, and restaurants alone, but stuff like concerts are a little more of a social thing and I was always really self conscious about going alone. I didn't want to be that lame girl that didn't have any friends. But you know what I realized? I missed out on A LOT of shows because I didn't have anyone to go with me and that sucks. So from now on, I'm not going to be a chicken. I'm just going to buy my ticket and go! Screw everyone else! LOL

Anyway..thanks to those of you on FB and twitter that encouraged me to just go! You guys rock!

What's going on?

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I don't have a desktop PC right now and typing on this little Acer is not the easiest when I've got acrylic nails. LOL. Let's just say the "Backspace" key is my best friend right now. LOL

Work has been going well...if you don't count all the stupid mistakes I've been making. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a whole lot and I've only really made one major screw up, but I still feel dumb because of it. I honestly was wondering yesterday if I made the right decision to go back. I know I haven't done storage in a year and a half and I should give myself a break, but I can't help but beat myself up. I used to be an awesome manager and really knew my stuff, but now I feel like such a newbie and I hate it. I know I'll get past it, but until that happens, I'm going to continue feeling this way.

I did make the decision to stop being so damn cocky, though. LOL. Obviously it's not working to my advantage. I also brought home some homework to help retrain my brain and memorize scripts and policies. Hopefully it works because I am not having fun being babysat at work.

In other news, I got the bright idea to become a nurse or medical assistant of some kind. Of course, this means school and I hate school. Maybe dental assisting. That's something I can just go for without GE college classes, right? I dunno. I think I just want an excuse to wear scrubs everyday. LOL. I'm gonna wait to figure that out until I get my own store. I can't handle school with all this commuting going on right now.

I turn 31 in 12 days and have no children, not husband/boyfriend/partner. This is not where my life is supposed to be. I really feel my youth slip away and my chances of having my own children getting slimmer and slimmer. I know, I know, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but that's OK, because if I didn't, no one would. Ok, OK, I'll stop. LOL It's just that having kids is very important to me and I'm just losing confidence in ever having any. I am trying to just take things day by day and see where life takes me and hope and pray I'm headed toward a husband and family. ;o)

Anyway...I'm headed out to the A's/Mariner's game tonight with my friend Daphne. She had a spare ticket and asked if I wanted it. Woohoo! My first baseball game of the season. I'm super excited! Of course I'm a SF Giants girl, but I'll root for the A's if I'm at their game. LOL. Just don't ever ask me to root for the Yankees! haha!

Ooh! And I went to the most awesome concert last week! I saw 30 Seconds to Mars at the Fox Theater in Oakland with my friends Amy and Rania. I thought Blue October and NKOTB put on good shows, but this was flippin awesome! I love Jared Leto. At one point I was just 8 feet from him. OMG, he is such a beautiful man!



It was during this part that I was so close...about 5 feet or so behind the person who taped this. If you have time, go through the rest of the videos posted from them. Awesomeness!!

The next show I'm going to with Amy is to see Stix at the Concord Pavillion next week. Not one of my faves, but it's an excuse to hang out with Amy. She's been a good friend and is one of the mothers to my 3 year old twin nieces. Amy's so funny at concerts. She's got cerebral palsy and is in a chair and totally uses it to her advantage to get great seating and special treatment. Plus she's a total flirt and cons stuff out of people. LOL.

Well, that's about it for now...I'll try not to stay away for so long next time. ;o)

Interviews suck, but I rocked this one.

At 1pm today, I had a phone interview with the Director of Operations for a storage company in Las Vegas. It went extremely well. I really asserted myself and showcased my skills as a manager in order to get a resident manager position with the company instead of just a relief manager position. The DOO really liked me and is going to see what he can do to put me directly into a store. Luckily 2 resident managers just gave notice to quit, so that helps me greatly.

I think this was one of the best interviews I've ever had. Having it over the phone (and being dressed in pajamas) was awesome because there was no intimidation factor. I was able to get out what I needed to say and not get flustered.

I'm not too jazzed about the hourly pay rate, but there does seem to be a great bonus program that will help off-set it.

Worst case scenario, if I can't get directly into a store right away, I may accept a relief position on a short term basis (a month or 2 tops) before moving into a resident manager position. If that's the case, I'm begging my friend Joyce to live with her until I get my place. :::doe eyes::: Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

Best case scenario, I get in there at the beginning of March and get a resident manager position right away and don't have to put anyone out.

I do still need to get a car and since I'd have to pay to move myself there (they don't pay to relocate), I'll only have about $500 to spend (moving is going to cost about $500). I'll probably have to ask my dad for some money, but I'll be able to pay him back with my first couple of paychecks.

In any case, it really looks like I'll be a Las Vegas resident by April. Yay! =o)

Cross your fingers for me!!

Halloween!

Just got my Halloween photos posted to Facebook. Click on the pic to see the rest.




Halloween was fun. There was a little drama before the party started because I was tired and apparently annoyed people with my attitude, but whatever. (I'd been up since 4:30am because I had to work that morning and was only able to take a 30 minute nap before finishing up party prep.) But once I segregated myself from everyone and got myself ready for the party, things seemed to be smoothed over and/or forgotten.

For a minute we thought only 2 people were going to show up, but, in the end, 5 showed up. It was the perfect number for our house.

I crashed out at about 1:30am (after the time change) because I was so exhausted, but I must say that I was quite the trooper to last that long. LOL. I'll at least pat myself on the back if no one else will. haha

Anyway..hope you all had great Halloweens as well!

And now we move onto Christmas time!! My work is already decked out in Christmas trees and paper chains. Christmas music, too!! It's such a happy time. ;o) Oh! And I got my first Eggnog Latte of the season. It was oh so tasty!

Gay Days @ Disneyland

We had so much fun this weekend!! The drive down and back wasn't too horrible, considering we took my dad's truck and couldn't drive faster than 65. Both days, Jenn and I were up at at the park by 8:30am and didn't leave until past 10pm. The park was open until midnight both nights, but we just couldn't make it that far.

Best discovery ever: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad in the dark. It's so awesome!!

Since we were with friends, I was able to finally ride Tower of Terror at CA Adventure. That scared the poop out of me, but I'm so doing it again when we go. LOL. Hell, I'll go by myself if I have to!!

Being at the park surrounded by so many other gay people was just so awesome. Watching the "straights" try to figure out why so many people were wearing red was awesome. LOL. Confusion, then recognition, then more confusion. The best part was when we came across a group of 100 bears (big, hairy gay men) at Small World. People were dumbfounded at all these giant men in red. Awesomeness!

I can't wait to go again. I think we'll definitely go back for another Gay Day. Next time, we're all making matching shirts!

I love hanging out with my boys Jimmy & Miguel and this weekend was an absolute blast with them. They are just so funny and so awesome.

I can't really put much else into words, so I'm just gonna link to my pics on Facebook. Enjoy!

The Blame Game

I'm used to being the bad guy. Sometimes it really is my fault, sometimes I just don't argue and take the fall. Either way, I generally just accept the blame for whatever fight or argument or whatever happened so that there's no fighting. I hate fighting. But someone always needs to play the blame game.

Jenn and I know the truth - there's no one to blame. Things just didn't work the way we wanted them to, so we're taking measures to create our own happiness and truly discover who we are as individuals. There's nothing bad there, right? No. We're still friends. We're still living in the same home. We're still incredibly supportive of each other.

But I get the feeling that people may be angry with me. But that's just fine. Well, no, I wish they weren't mad at me. I don't like people mad at me, but I don't like to fight or argue, so I'm just leaving it be. Things will blow over and be fine like they always are. And if they're not, I suppose I know where loyalties lay and I know who my friends truly are.

All I know is that I'm too old for this bullshit. I'm moving on. I hope everyone else does, too.

Taking Control

I'm sure I've mentioned this many times before, but I'm seriously tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my life. I go through the motions of every day, but I rarely feel as though I've lived my day. I just exist. I'm tired of just existing. I really want to start living.

Over on Facebook, I've rediscovered old high school friends and see that all these people that I entered adulthood with have lived so much better lives than I have. No, I'm not trying to compete, I'm absolutely jealous. These people seem to have just done what they wanted and have lived happy lives. I know that everyone has times that are not as great as others, but my rough spot has lasted for years and years.

Now that I'm 30 years old, I can't allow this to continue. I'm not getting any younger here.

Yes, this goes back to that procrastination issue I posted about a week and a half ago. Yes, procrastination got the better of me and I still have yet to get on that damn elliptical. But, in my defense, all last week, temps were near or over 100 degrees and my garage isn't air conditioned. Also, I got pretty beat up at work and ran myself until I was sick. Not so good.

So now begins another week and I'm going to get started on getting myself a little healthier.

I'm also going to try a little harder to find a full time job. I need to do this for me. I thought I'd like staying home and not working or only working part time, but I hate having to ask for money or asking to spend money. I'm a grown adult, I shouldn't have to do this. I want to be free to spend my money how I want to spend it.

Speaking of spending money, I've come across quite a few plus-size fashion blogs (Young, Fat & Fabulous, Fatshionable, Big Gurl Fashion, and Five Favorite Things). These are blogs of average plus sized women who have found great ways and great places to dress their bodies. I want to be more fashionable. It's not that I have bad taste in clothing, I just want to have more of an edge and wear more than just ribbed tank tops and jeans. I also want to learn to wear heels again. LOL. It's been so long since I wore heels on a regular basis, but I really like heeled shoes. It'll help with my coordination, too. LOL.

But I'm getting side tracked (as usual). I want to take control of my life. I want to be selfish. I don't want other people calling the shots. I don't want to be told what my plans are. I want to make my own plans. I want to do my own thing. Being a people pleaser has gotten me in this situation and it hasn't made me happy.

I'm taking control. I'm going to make myself happy.

I'm on a boat!

Yesterday, Jenn, Shauna, Cole, and I went up to Jenn's dad's place so he could take us out on the river in his boat. It's just a little 10 person boat, not really anything fancy. We zoomed up the river and stopped at the bridge between Rio Vista and Lodi on HWY 12 where we jumped into the water to play a bit, as well as have a little picnic lunch. Shauna and Cole brought sandwich making items while Jenn and I brought the condiments, chips, and fruit salad.

After hanging out there for about an hour, we headed back towards home because Jenn's step-mom needed to get back home so she could take her brother to the Sacramento airport. Once we dropped her off, we blew up an inner tube, attached it to the boat and Mark drug us around on it in front of the boat. Cole was a champ; Mark really had to work to get him off the tube. We all got a turn and had lots of fun. The funniest part of my ride (and I got 2 because I got thrown off really early the first time), was that when I bailed off the tube, I very nearly lost my shorts. LOL. They seriously ended up around my knees. It happened to all of us to some degree. LOL. Bailing off the tube was fun. I did a barrel roll the first time I was thrown off. Shauna needed a little convincing to go, but she had a good time.

And now, everything hurts!! LOL. I wore a much higher SPF than the last time we went, so I'm not sunburnt, but I'm sore from using all those muscles I didn't know I had while trying to stay upright on a boat, and trying to hang onto that damn tube. LOL.

As soon as Shauna uploads her photos, I'll snag them and put them up here.

Life & Death

So the last week has been really rough.

Carl's services were beautiful. There was a rosary on Thursday night and mass & gravesite service on Friday morning. My dad was a pall bearer. I can't go into details without getting weepy, but throughout the tears, there was also some laughter.

This last week has had me almost in a tailspin. I've known Carl my entire life. He was my dad's best friend. His girls were like my cousins. We went on trips together. His death has me fearing for my own dad's life. I have always been afraid of my dad dying. I don't know how I'll get through it when he does die, but after losing Carl, the possibility of my dad (or, really, anyone else close to me) dying has consumed my thoughts.

I don't think of these things consciously, they just take over when I don't have anything to focus on. My mind starts to wander and all of a sudden, I'm imagining the phone call I'll get or begin to eulogize my dad and start tearing up. Of course I immediately change my thoughts when I realize where my mind is going, but I hate that my mind's going there in the first place.

Ugh. Death is so hard.

The last funeral I went to was 15 years ago, for my cousin John. It was a short chapel service at the funeral home, then the graveside service at the military cemetery. Carl's service was a 2 day event and it just drained me. Because we were so close with the Rath family, we saw more than I think we really needed to see. I've never experienced such grief first hand, much less second hand, until now. I think experiencing that grief exaggerated my own and brought forth all this anxiety that had laid dormant.

Ok...I have to get off this subject for now...but, yeah...death sucks.

Family and death

My dad called about an hour and a half ago. I had an odd feeling when he called because it's a Monday and I couldn't think of any reason why he'd need to call. Well, he did have a reason and it wasn't a good one. His best friend Carl died of a heart attack yesterday. He died alone, in his car, a block from home. A stranger found him and called 911. By the time emergency crews got there, he was gone.

I'd always considered Carl my uncle. He'd been friends with my dad for much longer than I've been alive. We've done family vacations with Carl, his wife, and their 2 daughters (both not much younger than me). I was on a bowling team with my dad and Carl for about 4 or 5 years. I remember finding his obsession with The Beatles to be kinda funny.

I last saw Carl on Opening Day at AT&T Park with my dad, brother, and my dad's other friend John. It was good to see everyone that day, especially Carl. I hadn't seen him since I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago and stopped bowling with my dad.

Carl is the first close family member I've lost since my great-grandmother died when I was 12. I'd pretty much forgotten what loss like this feels like. It's hard to comprehend that I'll never see him again. He was so young - the same age as my dad, in his mid-50's. And such a funny guy.

His wife, Paula, is beside herself. My dad says she's really kind of lost. She lost her husband and best friend. Both of their kids aren't home anymore - the youngest is in college, but at least she's only in Sonoma, so she's not that far away, and the other is married and teaching in southern California. I can't think of Paula ever being without Carl. They're two peas in a pod. I cannot imagine the anguish she's feeling right now. But I will pray that God gives her strength. I know she's going to need it.

There's a rosary on Thursday night and the funeral is Friday. My dad's going to be a pallbearer. I'm going to find coverage for Friday's shift so I can be there. I can't even imagine not going.

In any case, be sure to hold your loved ones close and tell them you love them everyday. You never know if it's the last time you'll see them.

Birthday Pics

I've finally got my birthday pics up on Flickr to share with everyone. I only got the pics a few days ago, but at least I have them. LOL.




Click the pic for the whole set.

Nostalgia

So NKOTB was in town again last night. This time at the Sleep Train Pavillion in Concord. The show was awesome! I swear, they put on the best shows of anyone I've seen so far. I am going to love those boys until the day I die. I'm also going to crush on them (most of them) until the day I die. LOL. They're hot!! ;o)

There was a group of about 10 of us on the lawn and even more people I knew that had seats down below us. It was such a different experience being with a group of people than just the 2 of us - their energies fueled my own and made it that much more exciting. LOL.

Surprisingly, I didn't have too much difficulty talking today, but my throat is scratchy from all the screaming I did last night. LOL. I am really tired, though. I'm getting old! LOL.

I wish I had enough money to travel to see all their shows in CA. That would be awesome!

Maybe I should play the lottery. LOL

Hot Days of Summer

So it's been officially summer for a while now and we're really getting into the warm weather. I love the heat. Aside from Christmas-time, when I love the glitz of the lights and trees, Summer is my favorite time of year. My favorite clothing items are tanktops and shorts/capris so loving summertime really fits. LOL.

During the few warm days we had in late spring, we spent some time in the pool over at Shauna and Cole's place, but now that the weather is in the 85 - 105 range, the swimming will be much more enjoyable (the pools aren't heated. booo!!). Unfortunately, S&C are out of town this weekend and Shauna will be out of town next weekend as well (this week for camping, and next week she's going to her sister's in Portland for the Tori Amos concert). I haven't seen S&C since the night I left for Oregon on the 7th of last month - since moving back to the east bay in November, that's the longest I've gone without hanging out with them. LOL. We always have tons of fun hanging out at their place and in/by the pool, so I can't wait for that to start up again. They're house is our home-away-from-home on the weekends.

This weekend, to celebrate the 4th, we'll be at my parents' house tomorrow afternoon/evening for BBQ and possibly fireworks...not sure if we'll be able to see them from their house or not. It'll be a nice day for my dad to forget that he doesn't have a job. He does have an interview on Monday with a car dealership in Vallejo, though, so that's a good thing! (Especially since I pointed him towards the Craigslist posting!! LOL)

Then on Sunday, we'll be headed up to Walnut Grove to spend the day with Jenn's dad and step-mom on their boat in the delta. That should be a fun time. Unfortunately I have to work that night, but we'll be able to have a few hours in the sun and water.

In any case, I just had to share a little love for this time of year. I've already got a good tan going so far and it's only going to get better! I just might have to start going to tanning places during the winter to keep it up. LOL.