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Stories like these make me want to become a social worker.

There just aren't enough social workers out there. They become overwhelmed and simply give up on some of their kids, resulting in those kids deaths. That's just unacceptable. Social workers are all these kids have because their parents neglect or abuse them. When those social workers fail them, they have nothing and no one to help them or rescue them.

Lately I've been just feeling so helpless. I want to help people - I want to help everyone around me and it kills me that I can't do that.

Why am I so nervous?

I keep watching the calender. I'm getting more and more anxious as the days go by. I think I'm going to be ovulating in about 9 - 10 days. So in 9 - 10 days I could be creating a baby. Scary! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm immensely excited because it's what I've wanted my entire life. But I'm also afraid about actually being a good mom. I mean, you never know if you're a good mom until you've already got the kids...hell, even then you don't really know until your kids are grown. My mom probably thought she was a good mom, but I can tell you she wasn't the greatest. Often she was downright mean and cold towards me.

I really don't want to become my mother. See, my mother resented me because I was a Daddy's Girl. She once told me to my face (only a few years ago) that she cried when my brother was born, but didn't when I was born. I asked her why and she said that because she already had a girl, she was so happy to have a boy. She followed that by saying if she had my brother first, she probably wouldn't have had any more kids. What kind of person says that to their kid?

My mom always treated me indifferently. Of course she told me when I was a kid that she loved me, but I didn't have a good relationship with her ever. She's very short and rude and sarcastic in a mean way. Sometimes I catch things coming out of my mouth that sounded exactly like something she would have said. It frightens me.

My mom was also not one to get on the floor and play with the kids. That was my dad's job and he was great at it. I have so many more fond memories of my dad than I do with my mother - and my dad was the disciplinarian of the house! Along with spankings, I have memories of having fun in the pool when we went on vacations. He'd go on rides with us at theme parks, ride his bike with us at the camp grounds, he was our buddy. But he was also Dad.

Oof...I went off on a tangent there. LOL. I'm just scared and nervous and anxious. Chances are the first time won't result in a + sign on the pregnancy test (if I even have to take one), but you never know. Maybe M has SuperSperm and I get preggo right off the bat. LOL. That'd be awesome. Then again, if it doesn't happen until the next go-round, I could end up due right around my own birthday. That'd be awesome - Happy 30th Birthday, you're a Mom! LOL.

Anyway. That's my random thoughts for the day. ;o)

large families

I just have to get this off my chest...I saw 2 articles today about families that are extremely large and still growing. One was about the Duggars from Arkansas. They just announced that baby #18 is on the way. Then there was an article on SFGate.com about a Canadian couple (who emigrated from Romania) who just welcomed their 18th child.

Frankly, I think if these people are able to take care of their children and raise them without government help or strain on anyone outside their family, then good for them. No one has the right to tell them they can't have that many kids.

Unfortunately, all I seem to find are comments calling these people breeders (I detest that term, btw) and saying they're awful people for having so many children. One person on the SFGate site even said that abortions should be mandatory after you have 2 children. There is so much disgusting hate in those comments that I had to stop reading.

I don't understand why childfree people have to push their agenda on those of us who want kids. Why does my want for 2 or 3 kids make me a breeder and an evil person for bringing new life onto our "over populated" planet? It's no one else's business how many children I have if I even have any UNLESS I am on public assistance. If these people with a gaggle of children were on welfare, I'd jump on the bandwagon and say they needed to be stopped. But the Duggars are 100% debt free and don't take hand outs.

It makes me so flippin mad when people are so hateful - especially against people or subjects that are close to my heart. Having children is one of those things. Immigration is one of those things (I'm pro-immigration and making things easier for people to come to this country). Gay Marriage is one of those things (I'm all for it. Consenting adults should have the right to marry whomever they love.). But even when things aren't directly related to me, I don't understand how badly people hate.

And I really don't understand those people who hide their hate behind religion - like Fred Phelps and his gang. They use their religion to promote hate. They say God Hates ____(fill in the blank, they've got lots of them). But isn't God supposed to be All Loving? Aren't we all Children Of God? Didn't he create us to be reflections of himself? This is why I have issue with organized religion - I don't want to be grouped in with these hate mongers.

Ugh. Ok. I need to stop. I could really go on forever, but my blood pressure has come down enough for me to function again. LOL.

Day 1 Cycle 1

So today is the official start of the TTC season. LOL.

I felt kind of off today, but didn't have the usual symptoms to the start of my period, so I was surprised just now when I went to pee and discovered I'd started. But that's fine with me - the sooner the better!

So...we had a sit down talk with M about his role and how we are going to TTC and stuff like that. He wants to be as involved as possible, but he completely respects our role as primary parents. Because he is in a relationship, we will be doing AI. That's ok with me - I was nervous about having sex with him anyway. LOL. It's weird to have sex with your friends that you don't like in *that* way.

Once I'm pregnant and Jenn and I get married, she and I are changing our last names to his. I want the kids to have his name and I need to have the same name as my kids, so we'll all be one happy family. hehe.

My parents don't know yet, but I think that's probably a good thing. Plus they don't need to know the details of my life. They know I want kids and they know Jenn and I are together, but that's all they need for now. Hopefully I'll be able to just sit down at Thanksgiving and say "I'm pregnant! Pass the turnips." and be done with it. LOL. The main reason I can't tell them yet is for fear of them trying to talk me out of it. I have a few bills to pay off (which will be done over the next couple of months) and then all my money will go to savings. I know that I am in a place, finally, to support a child. Plus this baby is going to have 3 parents, 4 sets of grandparents (mine, Jenn's got 2, and M's), and a couple of great-grandparents who are going to spoil this child (or children) to death. What grandparent doesn't want a grandbaby to spoil? Even if they don't, we'll be perfectly fine.

I am just so excited! You guys have no idea how long I've been waiting for this to happen. I'm finally getting the chance to be a mom. There's nothing better than that!

So today is Day 1 and we're thinking I ovulate between day 15 and day 19. Ovulation kits are on the way so we can be sure. Sometime between the 5th and the 8th is what we're looking at, I think. I can't wait!!

long time no see

so it's been a while since i've posted. i almost forgot about this blog, actually. lol. but, i'm hoping, this will become my ttc & pregnancy blog as i don't know how much people that read my other blog will want to know all this stuff.

things were supposed to have gotten started a couple weeks ago, but M had somethings go on that prevented him from getting together with us and figuring out the last of the logistics for ttc. he actually disappeared for about 2 weeks and finally resurfaced a few days ago and told us what happened. i'm hoping to talk to him soon. i think i might call him today and see if he can meet with me and jenn for dinner tomorrow so we can get this figured out. i think the most complicated part is the actual insemination. the original plan was that we'd do things naturally, but now that M has a partner, that may be out, so we're left with AI. ultimately i don't think there will be much of a problem with that - as long as my body cooperates. lol.

i've mentioned this before, but i'm obsessed with multiples and i've convinced myself that i'm going to have twins. lol. i know that the chances are slim, but i can't help it. i'd like to have twins. i know how crazy that sounds, but i think it'd be perfect - especially given my age. i'd rather get two out in one shot than have a singleton and wait for a second. i know, i know, i sound crazy. but i'm almost 30 years old and i'm so paranoid about complications, diseases and birth defects that go with age. there is a history of downs in my family, so that makes me even more paranoid. but the age thing is, again, where i am obsessed with the multiples. lol. statistically speaking, i have a better chance of having twins over 30 than i would have had at 20.

anyway... i'm excited, but i'm also trying to stay reserved. who knows how long it'll take me to get pregnant. there's no history of infertility in my family, so that's a very positive thing. i am, however, overweight, so that does play in a factor, but not a large one. fat women have babies all the time.

so, if you're reading this, think positive thoughts for me. we're about to jump into this pool with both feet first.