My uterus hates me

So I've been here, in Medford, OR, for a week now and I think my uterus hates me. I swear it's weeping every time I hold my niece for any extended period of time. LOL. She is the most beautiful baby ever...well, until I have my own kids, that is. LOL.

Just kidding Riki! Love you!! hehehe

Seriously, though, my niece is gorgeous. She's the freakin spitting image of her mother.

And my uterus and ovaries are yelling at me in some language unknown to me, but I know they're pissed off. LOL. I'm hoping this means they'll get their asses in gear and cooperate when I get back to CA and start insems again. The quicker they get their act together, the less clinical we have to be about this situation. LOL.

Anyway...it's 1am and I should get to bed. Little Miss Fussy Pants will have us up before we know it. Hopefully I can sleep until 9am. ;o)

Not in the cards

So Miguel didn't come over on Thursday. He didn't even text me until around 9pm to tell me that he had thrown out his back and had been at home in bed all day. He said he might try to come by on Friday before Jenn and I went out of town, but he never called. I didn't call him when we got home yesterday because a) I was tired from driving home from Oregon, and 2) I'm a little mad at him. So February is a total bust.

The reason I'm mad is because I don't believe that he did hurt his back last week. I think he had other things to do and didn't want to come by. Last month, I was waiting for him to come by after he got off work at 2:30...since he should have been at my house by 3:30, I finally texted him around 4pm asking if he was still coming over or if he was stuck in traffic or whatever. He texted me back and said traffic was really bad. He finally got to the house around 5:30 with his BF and 2 other friends in a second car. It was then explained to me that Miguel's friend had called and asked him to help him move - that was the real reason Miguel was late. He was supposed to come back the next day to do a 3rd insem and he just didn't show up.

I honestly don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that he's just as frustrated as I am about not getting pregnant yet. I think he's frustrated with having to come out here all the time, but I am more than willing to go to his house, too. He just seems to prefer coming here. This really is just a window into the future, I know that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when we have kids and we make an agreement for Miguel to come by and see the babies and he changes his mind or he gets sidetracked. It worries me. He's supposed to be a 3rd parent, not just a sperm donor.

I'm really kind of at a loss right now. I'm going to take the rest of this month to think about if this really is the best thing for all of our situations. Honestly, Miguel is the only way I can get pregnant right now and I have no idea how long it would take to find someone else (who would be just a donor, not Daddy) or how much money it would end up costing us. We are far from rich, but I'd have to get a full time job with insurance before even thinking about going that route.

Ugh. This sucks.

Cycle 7 Update

I texted M and asked him to come by tonight so that we can do an insem. I didn't get a solid positive on the OPK (it was a medium dark color, not a true positive, but showing that my hormone levels are slightly elevated), but Jenn and I are going to be out of town tomorrow night through Monday evening so I figured we should get a jump on it anyway. I'll have him come by again on Monday night when we're back. Both of those insems are going to kind of bookend my ovulation, so we'll see what happens. Today is day 15 of my cycle, making Monday day 19. Cross your fingers! ;o)

Cycle 7

I was talking with Riki around noonish about whether my period had started (it hadn't) and about the cycles I charted last year. We were trying to figure out if this was, in fact, another 34 day cycle. Well, because of all the talk, I decided to take an HPT at around 1 or so. It was negative.

And then I went to the bathroom at 3:30 and there's my period.

That sucked donkey balls!

Needless to say, I'm unhappy. But, as someone pointed out, it could take between 6 months and a year to get pregnant, so I just need to be patient. I tell ya, though, I'm NOT a patient person. lol. This is not going to be an easy process, so I just have to throw my hands in the air and give up my control. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen.





Right?

#100

I wish I had something more exciting to post as my 100th entry, but I don't. LOL Just regular stuff.

Today is day 31 of my cycle. I've been mildly crampy for a couple days. I didn't wake up to my period this morning, but that doesn't mean it won't come this afternoon. There's also the possibility of not having my period until Saturday or Sunday (I counted wrong last time - Saturday is day 34).

I have been feeling "weird" lately, but who knows what that means. For a few days last week, I kept getting dizzy at random times during the day. Once it was after I was in bed and I had my eyes closed (and no, I hadn't been drinking). I upped my water intake thinking it was dehydration and it helped a little, but I still have dizzy episodes (they only last a second or two).

I suppose I could probably take an HPT today, but I'm going to wait until the weekend. I'd rather not waste yet another HPT if I don't have to (those things aren't cheap!!). I'm even hesitant to say that not having my period yet today is a good sign even though my last 2 or 3 cycles were only 30 days long. I guess I'm really just prolonging the inevitable, but I still think I'll wait until Sunday to test. lol.

Anyway...that's where we're at in this cycle.

Home stretch

This is the worst part of my ttc cycles...the last couple days before my cycle ends. Today is day 28...so my period could come as early as Monday and as late as Thursday. This week is going to suck with the waiting game. It's so hard not to want to break out the HPT each and everyday once day 30 comes. LOL. This cycle was VERY relaxed, too. I have not been tracking temperatures for 2 months. Last month I was just doing OPKs starting on day 10 and ending on day 20 (my hormones peaked on day 15, if I remember correctly). This month, I started OPKs on day 10, but due to one thing or another (schedules or tummy issues), I didn't test everyday. I managed to catch a very postive result on day 19, so we did the insem that night and the next. I'm hoping against hope that it worked. This is try #6, so hopefully it'll mean 3 times the charm times 2. lol.

In other news, I am making plans to go to Oregon and spend close to a month with my friend Riki. She's due on my birthday (May 30th) with her first baby. She lives alone and has no friends near by (though her mom and stepdad live about an hour away). I'll go up around the 25th and stay about 3 or 4 weeks with her. I'm so excited. It's going to be so much fun.

Anyway..think good baby thoughts this week for me!

TTC update

so it's been a while since i've updated about baby stuff. obviously nothing has happened since i last posted. we were hoping for a christmas miracle, but that wasn't to be. right now i'm in the middle of insem round #6. we did it last night, tonight, and will do it again sometime tomorrow. i got a true positive on the OPK this time, so hopefully we hit the nail on the head.

miguel did get us a new fertility monitor, too. we had trouble finding the test sticks (replacements), so we didn't use it this month. it's the Clear Blue Easy electronic tester. If this month doesn't go, we'll give it a try. we got it second hand from a friend of miguel's, so that saved us a bunch of money. but the tester sticks are gonna be $50 a month!! the OPK's we've been using now are like $1.50 a piece (there' simple paper test strips) that jenn ordered from a supplier in canada (they come labeled as cosmetics on the customs sticker. lol).

i've been really crampy today, so hopefully that means something in the ovulation world.

jenn and i are also starting to plan a baby shower for our friend riki. she's 18 weeks preggo with a little girl. she just found out the gender last week. did you know picking out non-hideous baby shower decorations is a lot more difficult than one might imagine? LOL

Anyway, think good thoughts for us this month. hopefully the 6th time's the charm.

And now in baby news...

Jenn was checking Fertility Friend last night and it looks like we totally hit the nail on the head with the insem. We did the insem on Wednesday night (when I noticed my mucus was soft) and Thursday night and then on Friday I could definitely feel ovulation cramps in my left ovary. Fertility Friend said Thursday was the optimum day.

Of course I'm not trying to get my hopes up too high so I'm disappointed again, but from the start I had a good feeling about this round. I should be able to test as soon as next Friday the 24th as that's day 30 of this cycle, but, like last month, I may wait those few extra days to be sure...maybe I'll test on the 28th or 29th. We'll see.

My temp has steadily climbed over the last couple of days, too, but I'm not sure what that means. My normal temp is about 97.45 - 97.70, but Saturday and Sunday it had been in the 97.9 range. This morning it was at 98.15. So that's a good thing. Hopefully it'll stay up and indicate that I am indeed preggo by not falling...plus I'll take that darn HPT towards the end of the month, too. LOL.

Ok...so I got side tracked while writing this entry, so I'll stop now because my train of thought is gone for good. LOL.

It's Go Time!

So my friend R sent me some info to help me get pregnant. The info I had already read was a little different, but this one gave me more things to check and better information on OPK's. I only knew that I shouldn't use my morning pee for the OPK, but figured it'd be OK in the evening or night. WRONG! I'm supposed to use it late morning to early afternoon. I've also been watching for mucus. Well, I found it today when I peed at lunch, so I did the OPK and it showed positive!! Today's only day 15. There was no spike in my temp, either. In fact, I think it was a little lower than yesterday. Well, the OPK does show positive 24 hours before ovulation (although that website says otherwise, but today was the first day I found mucus), so maybe my temp will be higher tomorrow.

I'm excited. I'm very encouraged this time. I also think that if I do get pregnant tonight or tomorrow, my kid's first concert is going to be The New Kids on the Block. LOL. I'm seeing them Friday.

Anyway....wish me luck!!!!

Cycle 3 begins

We got back from Reno on Wednesday evening. Reno was fun. I wish it had lasted longer though. LOL. All vacations are like that, I think - always too short.

I was back at work yesterday and was busy as all get out. It made the day go by pretty quickly, so that was nice. It also proved to be a bit of a distraction from some news from one of my friends. She just found out she's preggo. She's been trying a little longer than me (by a couple months) and is so excited. She has wanted this for a long time. I'm very happy for her. I know she's going to be a great mom. But, of course, I am extremely jealous that it's not me.

I think there is something wrong with me and that's why I haven't gotten preggo yet. I'm ovulating way too late in my cycle - at day 19 or 20. There's not enough time for implantation. I've thought that I have been ovulating twice - once at day 13, and then again at 19, but we've only been trying at 19 because Jenn thinks that's the truer ovulation day. I'm going to start the ovulation kit on day 10 this time and see if I actually am ovulating on day 13 or not.

I have a doctor's appointment next Friday so I'll be talking to her about trying to get pregnant. She's not an OB-GYN, though, just a general practitioner, but maybe she'll have some insight or have a referral. I'm moving in about a month, though, and will have to find a new doctor anyway.

I'm really not surprised at any of this, though. I mean, I know we've only tried twice, but I have had a feeling for years that it was going to be difficult for me to get pregnant. See, when I was a teenager, my cycles were very irregular - anywhere from 28 to 40+ day cycles. That lasted until I was 22 or 23, maybe even a bit later than that. I also terminated a pregnancy when I was 18. That's more of where my worries lie - that the termination did some damage. I know the chances of that are slim, but I still worry. I feel like that's my punnishment - I terminated one life, so now I don't get to create another.

R's pregnancy does give me hope, though, as she terminated a pregnancy in the past and now she's pregnant. I'm just really ready to see a doctor and find out what I need to do to get pregnant. LOL I never thought I'd say I wanted to see the doctor, but this time I really do. I need her to give me good news and advice. In the mean time, I'm going to look up homeopathic ways to increase my fertility.

Just a quickie

Just wanted to pop in to say there's no news yet. Tomorrow is the 30th day of my cycle and there's no sign of my period yet. No PMS symptoms either. I'm going to give it until Tuesday or Wednesday just in case this is a 34 day cycle before I do a pregnancy test.

I'm really hoping this one worked. If it did, there's an excellent chance that I'll be a mom before my birthday. I'd really like it if that happened, but I'm trying to to stress or dwell on that idea. I know I'll get pregnant in my own time. I'm just going with the flow. Obviously I'd like it to happen sooner than later, but there's no point in stressing out about it just yet.

Cycle 2 part 4

So tonight M is coming over to give us more of the goods. I took another OPK last night and it showed more positive than the last few days. I think this is because, looking back over the year, the pattern for this cycle is going to be 34 days, rather than 27 or 30. The OPKs up until yesterday were very light, but not completely negative. I kind of figured that the medications I've been taking for my sickness was affecting my urine. Apparently I was wrong. Thankfully I let Jenn convince me to take another OPK last night otherwise we'd be screwed for this cycle.

I think tonight's OPK is going to be super dark, indicating that I'll be ovulating within 24 hours. M will be here at 9pm, so hopefully that'll work out for us.

He and his BF are going to Nicaragua on Sunday for 2 weeks. So when they get back, we'll have an answer for them. Hopefully they'll bring us presents! LOL. j/k. I just hope I have good news for them when they get back.

Cycle 2

So tonight was try #3 for cycle 2. I really am more positive about this time around than last time. That's kind of funny to say because I've been worried about my cold medicines affecting my chances, but i think I'll be OK.

We tried something new this time. We got Instead Cups to hold the "baby juice" in and right up against my cervix. That's got me thinking more positively, too.

But, this also means that it's, once again, time for the 2 week wait. This is the sucky part. But at least I know pretty much how long I need to wait. Following my cycles from the beginning of the year, this should be a 34 day cycle. Or it could be 27. In any case, I'm not going to rush things and wait until I'm close to that 34 days before I take a pregnancy test. I'm not jumping the gun and disappointing me this time.

What else has me excited is that if I do get preggo this time around, I'll be due exactly on my birthday - my 30th birthday!! My original goal has been to have a baby before I turn 30, so this will be my last chance. If it doesn't take this time, I'll be 30 before I give birth. But it's exciting none-the-less. I mean, seriously, how awesome would that be?? "Happy Birthday - here's your baby!" LOL.

Anyway, that's the update for now. I'll let you know what's happening on this front in about 12 days. ;o)

Cycle 2

So tonight we begin with try #2. I think we'll do an insem tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday to cover all the bases. The OPK was very light last night, so it should be nice and dark today indicating ovulation within the next 24 hours.

I'm worried about this one not taking because I'm so sick. I'm taking Robitussin, Amoxycillian, Mucinex, and Benadryl to get rid of whatever I have (head cold/chest cold/ear infection). I'm worried my body is already so busy trying to fight this that it'll fight off the little spermies, too. But I guess it won't hurt to try.

In other news, it's been hot as blazes around here. It's about 90 degrees here in downtown San Francisco. I know it's hotter up in Sacramento where some of you mamas are. Hell, my parents are probably running their A/C finally in their new house in Concord.

Ok. Totally got distracted - I'm watching Moulin Rouge. LOL. Talk to you guys later!

Round 1 down...more to go...

yep, i was right..my headache yesterday was the prequel to my period. i woke up to that lovely body function this morning.

i took it surprisingly well. lol. it's ok. there's more chances to try.

the next insem is going to be between the 7th and the 9th it looks like. cross your fingers for me!

Oops

i double checked what my cycles have been since january. this is how they went:

27days, 30 days, 27 days, 30 days, 34 days, 27 days, 30 days, 27 days

and now today's day 30 of this cycle..

i think i might still not be pregnant because this morning i woke up with a minor migrane - that's always the lead-in to my period. then again, it could have been induced by the light that was streaming through the windows (our blinds are broken, so we can't completely shut out the light).

i don't know!

but i'm still waiting until at least tomorrow afternoon/evening to take another test if my period hasn't shown up yet.

hmm...i guess now that i look at the cycles, i did jump the gun with testing last night. i had too much pressure and i got impatient! lol. yeah, definitely waiting until tomorrow night for the next one.

dun-dun-dunnnnn

so i gave into peer pressure and took a pregnancy test at 8:30 tonight. i had gotten a little more anxious to see the results when i realized that my boobs were slightly swollen (the right one more so than the left) and, according to jenn, my areola were a little darker than normal.

the test was negative.

however, i still don't feel my period coming like normal. so, i'm going to wait and if i don't get my period by thursday night, i'll take another test, though i'm sure that if things come down to that i'll be preggo for sure. over the last 8 months, i've not had a cycle last longer than 32 days.

i'll keep ya posted.

it's almost time

So tomorrow is day 30 of my cycle. I usually get my period anywhere between day 27 and day 32 (though, usually, not later than day 30). I don't have any signs of my period coming. I haven't had the usual moodiness from PMS, so hopefully that's a good thing. I've had some reflux the last couple of days and on Friday and Saturday had some serious nausea. I'm waiting until tomorrow to take a PT.

Up until yesterday, I was convinced that I had gotten pregnant this first time. Now I'm having doubts. I think that's part of the whole self-preservation thing - I don't want to be disappointed when the PT comes back negative. I had been thinking that since I didn't have any real PMS symptoms but I was nauseated most of the weekend, I must be preggo. I know that disappointment is all part of the process, so I'm expecting it...but I'm also dreading it.

A friend of mine is 16 weeks pregnant right now. Yesterday she posted a belly pic on MySpace for us all to see (she lives out of state, so I haven't seen her in a very long time). Seeing that made me so insanely jealous. I think that's what started the I'm-not-actually-pregnant thought process.

Only a handful of my friends know that I'm trying for a baby. None of my family knows yet. I'm waiting to drop that bomb until I'm actually pregnant (I think I mentioned that before). When I was talking to M the other day, I told him it was going to be like coming out to my parents all over again - telling them that I'm dating Jenn (which my dad knows already), that we are going to have a baby, and that the dad is going to be involved, he's not just a donor. W-E-I-R-D! LOL But I also think that my family is just going to roll their eyes at me and go "OK." and think that this is just another crazy thing that I'm doing in my life.

Aside from my cousin who spent the last 2 years of her life as a minor in juvenile detention (well, a group home), I've been the black sheep of the family - I almost flunked out of high school, I had an older boyfriend in my late teens and got preggo and had an abortion. I shacked up with him. Then I was gay. I never went to college. I have tattoos and piercings. And now I'm gonna have a baby in a lesbian relationship and the father is a gay man. Oh the horror! LOL Whatever. I love my life and I have almost no regrets (like my Winnie the Pooh tattoo. I should have thought about that one a bit more.). I don't think my dad's concerns are going to be more than "How are you going to support it?" My mom and Grandma will have the hardest time with it, though. My brother and cousins won't care because we're all of the same generation. My aunts are very open minded. But if I am preggo now, or get preggo in the next couple of months, the announcement wont' be until Thanksgiving or Christmas anyway. If I can keep the secret that long. LOL. We'll see.

Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

The suspense is killing me! LOL.

It also didn't help to notice that one of my boobs looks a little large today (they NEVER swell during PMS) and someone said I looked like I was glowing. That only adds to the hope! LOL.

Ok. I'm gonna stop talking now. I'll get back to you tomorrow with the results.

*scratch*scratch*

I am super itchy!! I was at a friend's house this past weekend and got eaten alive by mosquitos. I have 2 or 3 bites on my back and 2 on my collar bone. I look like a monkey with all the scratching. LOL.

In baby news - we tried 2 insems over the weekend. Well, the first was Thursday night, the second on Sunday night. M called last night to see how I was doing. I told him "I don't feel pregnant yet!" But I'm hopeful. I know I'll get through it if it takes more than 1, 2, or 14 tries, I just want it to be sooner rather than later. I'm very impatient, you know. LOL. But we should have an answer in about a week - 10 days. Everything that I'm feeling now is just psychosomatic. I keep thinking that I don't feel well or that my sudden thirst/craving for mango iced tea must be some sort of sign. Hello, dork, it's not possible yet! LOL.

I'm just very eager. I need to calm down and let things happen at their own pace.


Oh...and work stuff has calmed down. I had a good chat with my boss and things are better for now. I don't feel like punching him in the face anymore.

dun dun dunnnnn

So last night the deed was done. Jenn and I were hit with a fit of the sillies as we (she) did the insem. It was quite funny.

M's boyfriend came with him. Can you say awkward? He's an awkward kid anyway, but..yeah..it was weird. They weren't in the room for the insem, though. I was going to let M be in there cuz it's his kid, too, but I think I had this freaked out look on my face so he left and let me and Jenn be alone. Anyway..M's boyfriend (also M, but I'll just refer to him as M's boyfriend to keep things less confusing) was there for moral support, I think. This whole having a baby thing was a big point of contention for them. They had a pretty big fight about it because M's boyfriend (OK, MB from now on) isn't ready to be a dad (he's only 24, M is 33). M told him he isn't going to be a parent if he doesn't want to be - he'll just be dating someone who has kids. I think they've got that all sorted out, so seeing MB was confirmation that he's being supportive of M and us having kids.

Anyway...we're going to do another insem tomorrow to be sure that we hit the ovulation cycle from all angles (we would have done it tonight, too, but Jenn and I have plans). Hopefully it'll be this one cycle and that's it...probably not, though. LOL. I mean, what are the chances that you get pregnant the first time you try? I don't have the greatest luck, so I will be utterly shocked if I end up preggo this time around.

So that's that. Think good fertility vibes for us!