it's almost time

So tomorrow is day 30 of my cycle. I usually get my period anywhere between day 27 and day 32 (though, usually, not later than day 30). I don't have any signs of my period coming. I haven't had the usual moodiness from PMS, so hopefully that's a good thing. I've had some reflux the last couple of days and on Friday and Saturday had some serious nausea. I'm waiting until tomorrow to take a PT.

Up until yesterday, I was convinced that I had gotten pregnant this first time. Now I'm having doubts. I think that's part of the whole self-preservation thing - I don't want to be disappointed when the PT comes back negative. I had been thinking that since I didn't have any real PMS symptoms but I was nauseated most of the weekend, I must be preggo. I know that disappointment is all part of the process, so I'm expecting it...but I'm also dreading it.

A friend of mine is 16 weeks pregnant right now. Yesterday she posted a belly pic on MySpace for us all to see (she lives out of state, so I haven't seen her in a very long time). Seeing that made me so insanely jealous. I think that's what started the I'm-not-actually-pregnant thought process.

Only a handful of my friends know that I'm trying for a baby. None of my family knows yet. I'm waiting to drop that bomb until I'm actually pregnant (I think I mentioned that before). When I was talking to M the other day, I told him it was going to be like coming out to my parents all over again - telling them that I'm dating Jenn (which my dad knows already), that we are going to have a baby, and that the dad is going to be involved, he's not just a donor. W-E-I-R-D! LOL But I also think that my family is just going to roll their eyes at me and go "OK." and think that this is just another crazy thing that I'm doing in my life.

Aside from my cousin who spent the last 2 years of her life as a minor in juvenile detention (well, a group home), I've been the black sheep of the family - I almost flunked out of high school, I had an older boyfriend in my late teens and got preggo and had an abortion. I shacked up with him. Then I was gay. I never went to college. I have tattoos and piercings. And now I'm gonna have a baby in a lesbian relationship and the father is a gay man. Oh the horror! LOL Whatever. I love my life and I have almost no regrets (like my Winnie the Pooh tattoo. I should have thought about that one a bit more.). I don't think my dad's concerns are going to be more than "How are you going to support it?" My mom and Grandma will have the hardest time with it, though. My brother and cousins won't care because we're all of the same generation. My aunts are very open minded. But if I am preggo now, or get preggo in the next couple of months, the announcement wont' be until Thanksgiving or Christmas anyway. If I can keep the secret that long. LOL. We'll see.

Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

The suspense is killing me! LOL.

It also didn't help to notice that one of my boobs looks a little large today (they NEVER swell during PMS) and someone said I looked like I was glowing. That only adds to the hope! LOL.

Ok. I'm gonna stop talking now. I'll get back to you tomorrow with the results.