Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? That's always been my motto. I consider myself to be one of the greatest procrastinators of all time. I've always been this way. If I'm told I have a deadline for something, I wait until the 11th hour, if I even do it at all. School homework was often late. Work projects are completed minutes before they need to be turned in. Most of the time my procrastination was never an issue, just maybe a small kick in the pants when I got something done late and got into trouble for it.
However, I've come to realize that my procrastination has really caught up with me and I'm not happy.
I'm an SA advocate and novice activist. SA is Size Acceptance. It's taken me a long time to learn to love my body and accept that I'll never be a size 2, or even a size 10. It really does take a lot of work to get to this place - to see myself as being beautiful when society tells me I'm disgusting.
While I do have a strong belief that genetics and hormones have aided me in becoming the size I am, I know that what I put into my body doesn't help and neither does my lack of exercise. That being said, I do need to state that my cholesterol is just fine, as is the rest of my bloodwork. Yes, I do have slightly elevated blood pressure, but that is due to the fact that I am a smoker. So, while I may be out of shape, I am not unhealthy.
What has gotten me upset is that I weighed myself recently and discovered that I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought. I am now greatly aware that my belly sticks out farther than my breasts. 20 pounds ago, that wasn't the case.
Now, where does the procrastination come in, you ask. I have an elliptical machine in my garage. It's collecting dust. I haven't used it once since we moved last November and have used it less than a dozen times since I bought it from a friend 2 years ago. I always say "Oh, I'll start using it tomorrow." or "I'll start my exercise program on Monday." Tomorrow and Monday always comes and goes and I have yet to set foot in my garage to use it and now it's caught up with me.
I hate exercising. It's really the bane of my existence. But I know that exercising makes me feel better (once the burn wears off), I have more energy, and my mood is greatly improved. But I have no energy to get down there in the first place. At least, I think, I've found motivation - to make my belly smaller than my boobs again.
I'll never be skinny, nor will I ever be thin. I'll always be "thick" or fat. It's a fact of life, and that's just fine with me. I just don't feel good where I'm at right now. My first goal is just to get back under 250. Idealy, I would like to weigh under 220, but we'll see how getting under 250 goes. Although, to be honest, I don't really care what I weigh. I don't give a crap about that number. It's the fact that I look down and see belly first, not my toes.
The number that I actually do care about is my pant size. I currently wear a size 22 (which, oddly enough, is what I wore 20 pounds ago. LOL. That's how I didn't even notice I gained weight!!) in pants. My top size did go up, though. I'm now in a 3x top. That bugs me. I would like to get down to a 1x top and a "teen" pant size; out of the 20's.
And this is where you come in! I need help. I need people to be on my ass about getting some of this weight off. I need help to get my ass downstairs, into the garage, and onto the elliptical. I do have some inspiration (Jen @ The Amazing Trips, Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew?, Gen @ The McNulty Quads, and Emily @ The Wright Five) for not just sitting around on my butt all day. These women are either on weight loss journeys or are training for marathons and walks for cancer research. Jen's What's In You Wednesdays always strike a chord in me, but I never do anything about it. It really eats at me just how lazy I am.
I don't want to do that anymore. A year ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV and I pledged to do the AIDS walk this year. I didn't do it. I've always wanted to do the Bay to Breakers. I never have. I want to do the Avon 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I never have. I know I don't have to be skinny to do these things, but if I get my energy up, I can do them. If I stop being a procrastinator I can do them.
So maybe now that I've put this out there for the world to see, I'll hold myself accountable and stop putting things off for tomorrow. I know it'll be hard work, but I can't have this mentality anymore. It's caused me to miss out on a lot of things/people/stuff and I don't want to continue on that path.
Perhaps I'll start "Motivation Mondays" and blog about my progress with my procrastination issue. Maybe if I just work at keeping things in the forefront of my mind (and my blog) I'll be more likely to stick with working on this and not just give up after only one or two tries. We'll see how this goes, but hopefully even this entry will be motivation enough.
Wish me luck!
An Honest Letter From Camp
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