Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? That's always been my motto. I consider myself to be one of the greatest procrastinators of all time. I've always been this way. If I'm told I have a deadline for something, I wait until the 11th hour, if I even do it at all. School homework was often late. Work projects are completed minutes before they need to be turned in. Most of the time my procrastination was never an issue, just maybe a small kick in the pants when I got something done late and got into trouble for it.

However, I've come to realize that my procrastination has really caught up with me and I'm not happy.

I'm an SA advocate and novice activist. SA is Size Acceptance. It's taken me a long time to learn to love my body and accept that I'll never be a size 2, or even a size 10. It really does take a lot of work to get to this place - to see myself as being beautiful when society tells me I'm disgusting.

While I do have a strong belief that genetics and hormones have aided me in becoming the size I am, I know that what I put into my body doesn't help and neither does my lack of exercise. That being said, I do need to state that my cholesterol is just fine, as is the rest of my bloodwork. Yes, I do have slightly elevated blood pressure, but that is due to the fact that I am a smoker. So, while I may be out of shape, I am not unhealthy.

What has gotten me upset is that I weighed myself recently and discovered that I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought. I am now greatly aware that my belly sticks out farther than my breasts. 20 pounds ago, that wasn't the case.

Now, where does the procrastination come in, you ask. I have an elliptical machine in my garage. It's collecting dust. I haven't used it once since we moved last November and have used it less than a dozen times since I bought it from a friend 2 years ago. I always say "Oh, I'll start using it tomorrow." or "I'll start my exercise program on Monday." Tomorrow and Monday always comes and goes and I have yet to set foot in my garage to use it and now it's caught up with me.

I hate exercising. It's really the bane of my existence. But I know that exercising makes me feel better (once the burn wears off), I have more energy, and my mood is greatly improved. But I have no energy to get down there in the first place. At least, I think, I've found motivation - to make my belly smaller than my boobs again.

I'll never be skinny, nor will I ever be thin. I'll always be "thick" or fat. It's a fact of life, and that's just fine with me. I just don't feel good where I'm at right now. My first goal is just to get back under 250. Idealy, I would like to weigh under 220, but we'll see how getting under 250 goes. Although, to be honest, I don't really care what I weigh. I don't give a crap about that number. It's the fact that I look down and see belly first, not my toes.

The number that I actually do care about is my pant size. I currently wear a size 22 (which, oddly enough, is what I wore 20 pounds ago. LOL. That's how I didn't even notice I gained weight!!) in pants. My top size did go up, though. I'm now in a 3x top. That bugs me. I would like to get down to a 1x top and a "teen" pant size; out of the 20's.

And this is where you come in! I need help. I need people to be on my ass about getting some of this weight off. I need help to get my ass downstairs, into the garage, and onto the elliptical. I do have some inspiration (Jen @ The Amazing Trips, Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew?, Gen @ The McNulty Quads, and Emily @ The Wright Five) for not just sitting around on my butt all day. These women are either on weight loss journeys or are training for marathons and walks for cancer research. Jen's What's In You Wednesdays always strike a chord in me, but I never do anything about it. It really eats at me just how lazy I am.

I don't want to do that anymore. A year ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV and I pledged to do the AIDS walk this year. I didn't do it. I've always wanted to do the Bay to Breakers. I never have. I want to do the Avon 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I never have. I know I don't have to be skinny to do these things, but if I get my energy up, I can do them. If I stop being a procrastinator I can do them.

So maybe now that I've put this out there for the world to see, I'll hold myself accountable and stop putting things off for tomorrow. I know it'll be hard work, but I can't have this mentality anymore. It's caused me to miss out on a lot of things/people/stuff and I don't want to continue on that path.

Perhaps I'll start "Motivation Mondays" and blog about my progress with my procrastination issue. Maybe if I just work at keeping things in the forefront of my mind (and my blog) I'll be more likely to stick with working on this and not just give up after only one or two tries. We'll see how this goes, but hopefully even this entry will be motivation enough.

Wish me luck!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Blah Blah Blah

I've been in a very unhappy mood lately. There's not really a single reason for it, there's a multitude of things that have added up to a lot of stress and bad feelings. The thing is, I have no idea how to remedy any of the things I'm going through right now.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've applied for a couple of full time Manager jobs for storage companies (that's what I did full time for the last 3 years). Money has been a small stress factor. It's not huge, but I would honestly like to go back to the standard of living that we had when Jenn and I both worked full time in SF. We also need the extra money to save up to buy a car. Right now I'm using my dad's truck on and off, but it'd be nice to have my own vehicle.

Also, it seems that if we do proceed with having a baby with Miguel, we may be on our own without financial help. His boyfriend happened to mention to me that Miguel is wanting to quit work and go back to school. If that happens, he's got no income to help us out - that's how we'd be able to afford having me stay home once kids come. But without that support it's not going to be possible.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that we're going to proceed with trying to have babies with Miguel. With this new information about him going back to school, and with him not even attempting to approach me about the baby making since I got back from Oregon on June 29th, I don't know that he's the right fit anymore. I just don't want to have to chase him down to see his child or to deal with whatever responsibility that needs taking care of.

I also feel like I've sacrificed so much by only working part time. I've become a real cheapskate. LOL. I try not to buy things if I don't have to. I mean, I go 8 weeks or more between dye jobs to help save money. lol. I don't drink the way I used to. I don't smoke nearly as much as I did. I only buy clothes for work and when I do, they're really on sale. But there are things in this house that no one wants to cut back on - like cable, or magazines, or beer, or books, or eating out or quit smoking completely (though we're trying to make the end of this month the quit date). In short, it'll just make my life happier if I can just have my own, larger income so I don't have to worry about this stuff.

In addition to that, one of the jobs I applied for has both Jenn and I worried that it's a posting for her position here. It's probably irrational to think that way because Jenn hasn't been given warnings or write ups for anything, but it's still kind of worrysome. I wish that I'd get a response back so we'd know for sure.

I'm just so tired of being rundown, stressed out, and depressed. I need medical insurance to get on some kind of antidepressant. I need to be happy. I'm so tired of being miserable. I've been miserable most of my life. I just can't live this way anymore.

I think finding a full time job would be the start, I just don't know where to go after that.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Ask and you shall receive

I came across a plus sized online store today that is not only trendy, but affordable.

Casual Plus

My next clothing spree will be going to this store!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Plus Sized Clothing

I have to say that as a plus-sized woman, it's disappointing to go shopping for clothes. I don't have a huge budget as we are operating on only 1.5 incomes, so I can't spend tons of money on clothes at any given time.

My favorite places to shop are Torrid and Old Navy. Old Navy is much more in my price range, but sometimes I want clothing that's edgier than the preppy stuff they have, and it'd be nice to shop in a real store, not just online (plus sizes are only sold online now), but Torrid is just way out of my price range. I shop at Torrid when they have their 50% off Clearance sales, but not really at any other time.

Target and Walmart have plus sizes, but most of those styles are for people my mother's age, not mine. It's hard to be a 20 or 30-something, plus sized, and broke.

It's also really hard for me to buy shoes. This doesn't have anything to do with being plus sized, but I am almost 6 feet tall and have size 10.5/11 feet. It's so hard to find cute shoes in my size. My choices are usually ugly sneakers, ugly flats, or stripper shoes. Yeah, I don't like either of them. I would like the same shoe someone a size 6 has, but in a size 11. It's not like clothing where some items just don't translate well into a large size. A shoe is a shoe, there shouldn't be a reason that shoes can't be made larger than a size 9!

So, all around, shopping is a pain in my ass. LOL. Yeah, yeah, I know "lose some weight and you won't have these problems!" But it's not really that - it's price. I don't understand why the fashionable stuff is so damn expensive! Cotton and spandex don't get more expensive when you make it cute instead of ugly. LOL. Thankfully I can find random shoes at Payless (though they're not so cheap anymore), and I've always got my Converse. =o)

I'm looking forward to Revolution 1228 coming out with an affordable (AND CUTE!) plus-sized line. This is clothing being designed by Mia Tyler and a partner right now. There has been one shirt launched already and I'm looking forward to more. I've seen samples and love what I see. I'm hoping that the items will be as affordable as I would like them, but we'll see how things go. I have faith!!

If all else fails, maybe I'll try making my own line. ;o)

Monday, August 10, 2009

I'm on a boat!

Yesterday, Jenn, Shauna, Cole, and I went up to Jenn's dad's place so he could take us out on the river in his boat. It's just a little 10 person boat, not really anything fancy. We zoomed up the river and stopped at the bridge between Rio Vista and Lodi on HWY 12 where we jumped into the water to play a bit, as well as have a little picnic lunch. Shauna and Cole brought sandwich making items while Jenn and I brought the condiments, chips, and fruit salad.

After hanging out there for about an hour, we headed back towards home because Jenn's step-mom needed to get back home so she could take her brother to the Sacramento airport. Once we dropped her off, we blew up an inner tube, attached it to the boat and Mark drug us around on it in front of the boat. Cole was a champ; Mark really had to work to get him off the tube. We all got a turn and had lots of fun. The funniest part of my ride (and I got 2 because I got thrown off really early the first time), was that when I bailed off the tube, I very nearly lost my shorts. LOL. They seriously ended up around my knees. It happened to all of us to some degree. LOL. Bailing off the tube was fun. I did a barrel roll the first time I was thrown off. Shauna needed a little convincing to go, but she had a good time.

And now, everything hurts!! LOL. I wore a much higher SPF than the last time we went, so I'm not sunburnt, but I'm sore from using all those muscles I didn't know I had while trying to stay upright on a boat, and trying to hang onto that damn tube. LOL.

As soon as Shauna uploads her photos, I'll snag them and put them up here.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Life & Death

So the last week has been really rough.

Carl's services were beautiful. There was a rosary on Thursday night and mass & gravesite service on Friday morning. My dad was a pall bearer. I can't go into details without getting weepy, but throughout the tears, there was also some laughter.

This last week has had me almost in a tailspin. I've known Carl my entire life. He was my dad's best friend. His girls were like my cousins. We went on trips together. His death has me fearing for my own dad's life. I have always been afraid of my dad dying. I don't know how I'll get through it when he does die, but after losing Carl, the possibility of my dad (or, really, anyone else close to me) dying has consumed my thoughts.

I don't think of these things consciously, they just take over when I don't have anything to focus on. My mind starts to wander and all of a sudden, I'm imagining the phone call I'll get or begin to eulogize my dad and start tearing up. Of course I immediately change my thoughts when I realize where my mind is going, but I hate that my mind's going there in the first place.

Ugh. Death is so hard.

The last funeral I went to was 15 years ago, for my cousin John. It was a short chapel service at the funeral home, then the graveside service at the military cemetery. Carl's service was a 2 day event and it just drained me. Because we were so close with the Rath family, we saw more than I think we really needed to see. I've never experienced such grief first hand, much less second hand, until now. I think experiencing that grief exaggerated my own and brought forth all this anxiety that had laid dormant.

Ok...I have to get off this subject for now...but, yeah...death sucks.