Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Making Improvements

So I've been going to doctors a bunch lately to get myself healthy. With medication, my blood pressure finally has a normal reading. That's the first time pretty much ever in my life. LOL. My new Kaiser doctor upped my quantity for my scripts so that I can have 100 days at a time instead of just 30. But Kaiser also has the mail order option, so I don't have to drive down to the hospital all the time for my meds. I see the girlie-parts doctor in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that I'll be able to start BC pills again so I have 2 forms of defence against making babies with people I'm not dating (or married to, for that matter).

I have been migraine free since I started those meds and I cannot tell you how happy I am. I used to live in fear of those damn things and now I don't even think of them anymore. =o)

I made a friend down here on the Peninsula. Her name's Brittany. She's married and has a 2 year old. She and her hubby invite me over for dinner and movie nights sometimes. B and I go get pedicures and stuff. I babysit for them sometimes. I really like them. It's been a long time since I've made new friends because I'm not easy to get along with. Plus, you know, I don't like people. LOL But B and I have this "me, too!" syndrome and it's awesome. They're giving me a punk musical education every time I go over, and B is introducing me to her favorite movies.

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Holy hell I am old! LOL I spent it up in Sacramento like I did last year. The difference this year: I got to spend time with my ex-stepdaughter. Austin's daughter lives with him now and she's 15 freaking years old!! When the hell did that happen? LOL. The best thing is we fell into a comfortable conversation very quickly. She knows why I wasn't around all these years (because of her parents - her mom not allowing me to see her and all the times I fought with her dad and disappeared). She still loves me and I love her. She's turning into an awesome adult. Granted, she's still a sullen, cynical teenager, but still. LOL. She's so not her mother, but she is so her father. LOL. I don't know which would have been better. Before I even got to the house on Sunday, I guess she was already telling her dad that she wanted to invite me to her Sweet 16 party in December. I haven't seen this kid since she was 9 and she's just welcoming me back into her life like there wasn't any time missed. I cannot explain how happy that makes me.

I guess that's the big stuff. I'll try to post more often. ;o)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Perfecting how to put a game face on

This is my current theme song right now. It helps me get through the day.

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still


How long, in another space and time
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long, did I know so hard to find
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

Whoa Whoa X6
But I still walk on

Friday, May 6, 2011


So I'm officially down 20 pounds since March 4. Actually, I weighed myself on Wednesday, so in exactly 8.5 weeks, I lost 20 pounds. That's a little more than 2 pounds a week. Not bad, I suppose.

I wish I could see it in my clothes. But because I am so tall and wide, 20 pounds doesn't really show. My face is a little less puffy and I do feel that my clothes are a little loose, so that's nice. I just wish I was down a full clothing size already. Yes, I am impatient. LOL.

But I did set my LoseIt program (for the iPhone) to track my caloric intake to have me lose 1.5 pounds a week, so I'm running faster than my goal. That's pretty awesome actually.

I need to get back into an excersize routine. I got sick, then I had a pinched nerve in my back/hip that is just beginning to heal. Keeping up exercize with the calorie restrictions will help a bunch.

There are days where I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have to do it slow and right and retrain myself how to eat properly otherwise I'll gain it all back in a couple years. I am so proud of myself when I make good food choices and can eat a lot on that particular day, I don't know why I can't remember to do that everyday. I have bonus calories today so I am enjoying a glass of wine. But there are days where I barely make my limit and I'm still hungry. One day it'll click and I'll make good choices consistently.

Anyway. That's what's new with me on the weight loss front. Things are going well even if I'm not losing weight super fast. But that's a good thing!!! =o)

Oh..and I do have a confession: I looked at myself in the mirror the other day when I was just in underpants and a bra. I genuinely liked what I saw and I'm afraid that I won't like my thinner body when I get down to 200 pounds or less. I like being curvy and squishy. I wont' ever be a hard body or anything remotely close, but I like my belly. =o)