I will never be your stepping stone.

So I finally had to give the new guy the official boot. It's being done as I type this, actually.

So I had met this guy on OKCupid.com a little more than a month ago. He messaged me first (which I usually let happen since I have an extremely high fear of rejection), and we hit it off pretty well. We texted for more than a week before we finally met. We spent the day at Starbucks, and 2 different restaurant/bars having drinks and grub. Literally we spent the day together. From noon until midnight. I also broke a huge rule for myself and slept with him on the first date. That was so stupid.

We hung out again a few days later, but because of his schedule, it wasn't until late in the evening (10pm) and we just watched a couple of cooking shows, then slept together again. That was the last time I've seen him and it was like 4 weeks ago. Since then he's been flaky on hanging out - he never wants to make plans because he "doesn't know what he's doing that day", plus he's also been seeing other people. In short, he didn't make the effort to make time for me. He kept expecting me to be ready at any time to hang out with him.

I'm not one of those people that stays date-ready when I get home from work. If I have no plans, I get into pajamas and settle in for the night. It's a whole mindset, it's not just physical. I don't want to go out again if you text me at 8pm and ask to hang out when I've been home for more than an hour, am not dressed, am probably stuffed and sleepy from dinner, and have to get up and redo my face and hair to go out again. Especially when I have to work the next day.

Last week we had a conversation about how I wasn't interested in him anymore because I want to date someone who actually wants to see me and date me, not just come over in the middle of the night to fuck me. I'm not a booty call. In short, he begged for another chance and I gave it to him. I still haven't seen him. Last night we had the same conversation once again and I agreed to see him tonight (inviting him to my house for dinner and a movie). When I woke up this morning, I realized I had been manipulated into giving him yet another chance and I didn't like that feeling.

So I texted him and told him as such and I was done dating/talking to him. He just told me "OK fine. Go back to your dyke gf." Wow. I dodged yet another bullet there! What a tool! I hurt his pride by dumping him and he insults me for having dated women. HAHAHA How freakin pathetic. (He's now trying to tell me that I wasn't anything special and he's got plenty of women to go to. Duh, dude. That's why you had no time for me. LOL. I know you're seeing other people. Why do you think I made you use condoms??) You ARE the weakest link, goodbye!

I had thought maybe this guy would be different as he found me when I wasn't really looking. Yes, I had that profile up on OKCupid.com, but I wasn't using it. I hadn't in a couple months. You know what they say about what happens when you stop looking for love, right? Yeah, I thought that's what this was. Boy was I wrong. LOL

I'm not upset in the least bit, actually. I'm not even really disappointed, per se. I am just chalking it up to being something that was meant to happen (having slept with him lead me to seek out birth control which got me to stop smoking!! My blood pressure was way too high for me to be on the pill, so I quit smoking and I can already feel that my BP is more normal.). Plus, considering I don't know where I'll be living in 2 months time, it's probably best that I don't get involved with anyone so that no one gets hurt when I move. Honestly, don't know if I'll stay in the tri-county area or if I'll be sent to a facility 4+ hours from home.

Anyway..that's the current dating situation. Once again, I tried, but it's nothing special. LOL

Ugh!

I think I'm just destined to have bad luck with dating.

So I've been talking to someone for a couple weeks now. We met after a week of talking, spent like 12 hours together, had a good time, but I did take him home. That was so stupid and I knew at the time it would be, but I did it anyway. I really expected him not to talk to me again, but he did. I had him over at my house a couple days later. We watched TV and slept together again.

Since then, he continues to talk to me, but it feels strained. It feels like he's too busy to talk to me or to hang out with me. In fact, I asked him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow afternoon since I've been dealing with a migraine today and wouldn't make very good company tonight. He said "Maybe. Dunno what I'm doing tomorrow." And that he wasn't available Friday because he would be getting his son for the weekend starting mid-day. So I asked why we couldn't make plans for tomorrow since he wouldn't be available for several days after that, and his response was "Well I have to work n dunno when I'll be done. Not sure what I'll have to do after that."

Am I wrong, or does that feel like the brush off? I already called him out on the brushing off yesterday because he only ever asks to hang out after dinner time and when I mention that I'm off on a particular day he still doesn't seem to get the hint that I'm telling him I'm off so we can make some sort of plans to hang out.

He's already stated that sometimes he can be kind of oblivious to things like that and doesn't take subtle hinting very well, but, to be honest, either he's REALLY dense or he just doesn't give a fuck if I'm around or not.

I'm so ready to just give up. I don't chase men. That's not my job.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

But my vicodin is kicking in, so I'm gonna head to bed. But first, maybe a piece of cake. LOL

Farther Down

It's so hard for me to post a lot of the time because I hate to be so whiney all the time. For the most part things are going well for me. I don't have much to complain about, but we all know I just love to complain. LOL

Work is going OK. I'm having a rough month so far with business, but there's not much I can control about it. Granted, the "suits" would disagree, but I'm the one who actually works in the store and knows what goes on. I'm dealing. I'm having a little stress that's causing me sleep issues (work stress causes insomnia), but I'm really working on leaving work at the office.

Home life is OK. Jenn's still looking for another job, but isn't having much luck. I feel bad for her cuz I know how much the company sucks. She and I are getting along much better, too. We have a normal friendship now, I think. LOL. We were dysfunctional for so long, in our friendship and with our relationship, that I didn't think we'd ever get to this point. It's nice.

Now my love life is something to complain about. LOL. The latest guy, the friend, is out of the picture. I'm not really surprised, to be honest. I don't expect any one to stick around for long. I did have hope, though, that since we already knew each other and had mutual friends, he wouldn't screw me over. Well, he didn't screw me over...he just screwed me and decided that's all he wanted and walked. This is why I've decided that I'm no longer giving away the milk for free. The next person that wants in my pants is gonna have to buy the damn cow. I'm just so tired of allowing myself to be treated this way. I'm so much better than that and I deserve better.

Physically I hurt! LOL. My leg muscles have been crampy lately and I'm not sure why. Mostly, though, over the last 2 days, my right shoulder and upper back have been hurting like a bitch. I need a full body massage - any volunteers??

That's it for the time being. Hope that wasn't too whiney. LOL.

It's just not working

I don't know why I drag things out longer than they need to go on. I know that things with this new guy aren't going to work, but I try anyway. I don't know where the optimism comes from, but part of me is trying to see the bright side of things.

While in the shower a few minutes ago, I started writing this post in my head. I want to explain that I'm not trying to be difficult when it comes to dating. I'm not trying to break hearts. I'm certainly not just trying to get laid. The reason I keep meeting someone new is because I'm looking for that person who takes the air out of my lungs when I first lay eyes on them. I've been in love with 4 people (3 men, 1 woman), and this happened each time I met these people.

With Austin, I was 14 and met him at a school dance. I knew I needed to be with him. With Angel, we didn't even really "know" each other yet, but we met at a bar/restaurant at an LJ Meetup and you could cut the tension with a knife (and I don't think we ever even spoke a word to each other the entire night). With Matt, I met him at work (he was an assistant manager, like me) and I knew there was something about him that made me want to get close to him. With Kraig, the second I laid eyes on him, it was all over. With him, I knew it was definite love at first sight. With the others, it was "in-like" at first sight, but it didn't take long for me to fall in love.

I'm waiting for that to happen again and I honestly feel that I'm wasting my time trying to make something work when I don't have those feelings. I nit-pick and let things bother me more than they should, but that's because I'm trying to make myself like someone that I don't think I could love. And when I do fall in love, all that stupid shit doesn't bother me. LOL I look past it because of the blindness love creates.

I want to be blind. I want to let go of the little shit because I love someone so much that it honestly doesn't matter and/or becomes endearing and cute.

I realize that this is a lot to ask, but, to be completely honest, I'd much rather be alone than in a mediocre or unsatisfying relationship.

Your Neighborhood Storage Expert

So I got a job with P.ubli.c S.torag.e. Not the one I wanted, but I got in. I'll be a "Relief Manager", which is an assistant manager for the district. I'll work where I'm needed until there's a store opening. It's a foot in the door that I'm glad to have.

For the time being, I'll still keep my job with Bath & Body Works and work both part time (the PS job will be at minimum 4 days, hopefully 5), and continue to live on Jenn's storage property.


I did meet someone and went on a couple of dates. So far it's gone well. At the moment, I'm doing the usual freak out after getting a bit intimate, but he's being understanding and I'm doing my best to control the freak out. Normally I start nit-picking and let everything annoy me, but I'm working on it. He's a really good guy and someone definitely worthy of me....at least that I've seen so far. LOL. Time will tell. ;o) But I don't think that there's anything that we've disagreed upon so far. That's really nice. LOL. I'll keep you updated. ;o)

Stupid

For all the lying, conniving, deceiving, horrible things Kraig said and did to me, I do have to commend him for one thing. I've never felt more beautiful or felt such passion from anyone before or after him. Yes, he was a dog. He is a dog. But I know he was in love with me - you always know when someone is in love with you because you can see it in their eyes - and he let me know everyday that he loved me.

I hate that the person who, in the end, treated me the worst made me feel the best of anyone I've ever been with.

That's just another testimony to how badly I can pick them. LOL.

Let's get it on

Proceed with Caution: This post is about sex and will probably contain a good amount of TMI and cursing.

Over the last few days I have begun to really miss sex. As one of only 2 species on earth, humans have sex for pleasure and I have definitely taken part in a lot of it in my 13 years of being sexually active. I've had long dry spells where I didn't have sex for months. I've had relationships where I had sex almost everyday of the week and even multiple times a day.

Generally, when I'm not in a relationship and not having sex, I don't miss it. However, I'm really missing it right now. LOL. Specifically, though, I'm missing being made love to, I'm not just missing the act of sex. I'm missing that close connection with the person I'm with - that person looking in my eyes while we are pressed together, skin to skin. Missing that person holding me close, gently, kissing me softly.

I guess I miss being loved.

I'm trying to find someone to date and everywhere I look, I would have no problem finding someone to be a fuck buddy or friend with benefits, but that's not what I want.

As huge a dick as he can be, I miss being with Captain Douchebag because he made love to me. Yes, we had a lot of sex, but 90% of it was making love, not just fucking. I miss that. I miss it so badly right now. He made me feel safe and secure even though I outweighed him by 100 pounds. Even though he lied through his teeth and cheated on his girlfriend to be with me, I felt like such a princess with him. Even just being hugged by him, totally unsexual in any way, I felt like there wasn't a care in the world.

I guess this isn't really about sex afterall, is it? Once again, it's just me complaining about how I pick men who love me a whole big bunch, but treat me like shit and I miss them so badly. But this is the thing - I don't miss Captain douchebag. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the passion we had. I miss passion! I miss love! I miss someone loving me! I miss loving someone! I really, honestly feel like I'm never going to have that again.

I keep watching people around me fall in love, get engaged, have babies, have happy lives while I feel like my life is stagnant. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and depression every minute of every day.

Most of the time I feel very good about myself - very confident. It's taken me a lot to get here, but I am here. Physically I feel good, attractive, hot. Yet I still seek approval of men. WTF is that about? Or maybe I'm not seeking approval, maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love? Is that it? I have no idea.

All I know is that I need someone to make me feel good in that physical way right now...and maybe the rest will follow.

Or am I doing that backwards? LOL

Double Standards

Why is it ok to have sex with a fat woman, but it's so not cool to date one?

Why are fat women hidden away in hotel rooms and their own homes? What is so wrong with walking down the street with a Big Beautiful Woman on your arm?

This is the worst part of being single for me - trying to date and only finding men who are willing to sleep with me, but not be seen with me out in public. It's absolutely disgusting and hurtful. It's OK for guys to be fat. Hell, fat guys date skinny women all the time, but God forbid a fat woman wants to date anyone, much less a skinny guy.

It's really exhausting sorting through anyone who dares email me from a dating site, because I don't know what his intentions may be.

Yes, I realize that thinner women may have similar problems, but at least men aren't ashamed to have a woman who wears double-digit sizes sit at their dinner table in a restaurant.

Ugh. In short, dating sucks!