Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Why am I so nervous?

I keep watching the calender. I'm getting more and more anxious as the days go by. I think I'm going to be ovulating in about 9 - 10 days. So in 9 - 10 days I could be creating a baby. Scary! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm immensely excited because it's what I've wanted my entire life. But I'm also afraid about actually being a good mom. I mean, you never know if you're a good mom until you've already got the kids...hell, even then you don't really know until your kids are grown. My mom probably thought she was a good mom, but I can tell you she wasn't the greatest. Often she was downright mean and cold towards me.

I really don't want to become my mother. See, my mother resented me because I was a Daddy's Girl. She once told me to my face (only a few years ago) that she cried when my brother was born, but didn't when I was born. I asked her why and she said that because she already had a girl, she was so happy to have a boy. She followed that by saying if she had my brother first, she probably wouldn't have had any more kids. What kind of person says that to their kid?

My mom always treated me indifferently. Of course she told me when I was a kid that she loved me, but I didn't have a good relationship with her ever. She's very short and rude and sarcastic in a mean way. Sometimes I catch things coming out of my mouth that sounded exactly like something she would have said. It frightens me.

My mom was also not one to get on the floor and play with the kids. That was my dad's job and he was great at it. I have so many more fond memories of my dad than I do with my mother - and my dad was the disciplinarian of the house! Along with spankings, I have memories of having fun in the pool when we went on vacations. He'd go on rides with us at theme parks, ride his bike with us at the camp grounds, he was our buddy. But he was also Dad.

Oof...I went off on a tangent there. LOL. I'm just scared and nervous and anxious. Chances are the first time won't result in a + sign on the pregnancy test (if I even have to take one), but you never know. Maybe M has SuperSperm and I get preggo right off the bat. LOL. That'd be awesome. Then again, if it doesn't happen until the next go-round, I could end up due right around my own birthday. That'd be awesome - Happy 30th Birthday, you're a Mom! LOL.

Anyway. That's my random thoughts for the day. ;o)

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