He's still very much wanting to do this, I think he's just naturally kind of flighty and isn't changing his mind about having a baby with me. I'm glad for that. When we come back to start doing this again, we'll have a much better idea for what we're in for and be able to, i think (and hope), have a more successful outcome.
Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement during these last few months. I've greatly appreciated it.
A friend of mine came down from Sacramento to have coffee. While we were sitting out front of Starbucks, we were approached by a guy who said he was on a scavenger hunt. He's in town on a church mission thing from Redding and said that God told him that there was someone on the porch of Starbucks, with tattoos, that he needed to speak with. My friend, his friend that came down with him, and myself all have tattoos. The street minister had actually written it down on a paper and showed it to us. It was freaky. Specifically, the tattoo was of a cross. All 3 of us had crosses. Where the guy was coming from, he couldn't have seen any of those tattoos. My friend's and mine were actually 90% covered by clothing.
In any case, he talked to with my friend about ministering (my friend had done it for a short time with a church youth group in Sacramento a few years ago), and then asked if he could pray for us in anyway or lay a blessing on us. We allowed. I didn't really say much, just let him speak and took everything in. As he laid his blessing on us, I asked for God's help in having a baby. I also prayed for guidance in my life. It's not something I normally would have done, but I honestly felt that this guy really was sent to us for help.
I've struggled with religion, and with faith, for a long time. I went to Catholic school from the 6th grade through HS Graduation. Even as a small child, attending CCD classes on Saturdays, I had issues with the Catholic Church. I've always found so many contradictions in Catholicism that I couldn't honestly get behind it. Once, in my early 20's, I attended a Methodist turned non-denominational church in San Francisco. The difference between this church and the Catholic Church was like night and day. In the Catholic Church, all I was ever told was that I was a sinner and I'd go to hell if I didn't follow the bible to the T. But since I had found so many contradictions, I couldn't ever feel like I could live up to these standards. I was tired of being told I was wrong about everything I believed in. And then I found this church that a friend took me to once and I felt, for the first time in my life, that God was all around and that He loved me unconditionally. At this church, there was no mention of sinners or hell, it was all about Love and Faith. It was a truly uplifting experience.
I wanted to go back, but I never did. I always made excuses - the biggest being that I was afraid of what others (my friends) might think if I just decided to go to church. Honestly, I even feel like I shouldn't go to church. It's the Catholic guilt - I live a homosexual lifestyle, I'm an adulterer (several times over) - I don't know that I belong in church. None of my friends are church going people. The only person I know that goes to Church is Jenn's mom and that's a very conservative Church. I would definitely not be or feel welcome there (nor am I even sure that her mom would be willing to take me there). Maybe I should look them up in the phone book and go to different Sunday services until I find the right one.
I've said in an earlier post that I feel lost. I think today was a sign that even though I'm lost, someone's still looking out for me and I think that I need to look back. I just feel like I need to do something. I'm tired of being afraid.