Saturday, December 18, 2010

Lies Lies Lies

I went to my grandma's house to visit with her and my aunt today. Mostly visit with my aunt since I knew that my grandma would be mostly out of it. And she was. She's at home for "comfort care". She's home to die. She's on pain meds (morphine) and anti-anxiety drugs (because the morphine kinda makes her loopy and crazy). It's sad to see her so small and fragile (she weighs probably 95 pounds - I lifted her a few times today and she was easy to lift), but I was surprised to find that I wasn't as upset as I'd expected.

My aunt's friend was there for a while, but after about 3pm, I was there with my aunt, just talking and caring for my grandma. In talking with my aunt, I discovered a few things about my family that I never knew. The most shocking thing was finding out that my Papa, my grandfather, didn't die of diabetes complications as I had been told. He shot himself in the head in my grandmother's basement. The second that came out of my aunt's mouth, I had to walk away. I lost it. My mom told me a blatant lie about how he died. At some point, she did say something that contradicted it, so I knew she hadn't told me the truth about it, but to find out that he took his own life put me in a state of shock. I'm still in shock, 2 hours later.

I also found out that he was a heroin junkie.

And that my other aunt had been married, a junkie.

And my grandmother had a second husband who was also a junkie and died from an overdose.

I also got confirmation that my mother had been married before my dad and got divorced because he cheated on her. He had been her high school sweetheart. She'd had a big church wedding and my aunts were her bridesmaids.

I am so angry at my parents for lying to me about everything my whole life. And not just lying, but for acting like life didn't exist before they got together. Did you know that I don't even know my dad's siblings' names? I didn't know I had an uncle until he came here 5 or 6 years ago for the first time (he grew up in Germany). I didn't know I had an older sister until I was 10 and she was 18 and she came to live with us for a couple months.

I have a photo on my refrigerator of my great-grandmother Lupe with her husband, my great-grandfather, and I don't even know his name! (Though now I have proof that I'm part Filipino).

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea who my parents are. Or where I come from.

And now I'm questioning ever finding a husband and having kids. Why would I want to bring someone into a family that lies? Why do I want to be in this family? What the fuck?

I don't know my ass from my elbow right now as I type this.

I want to confront my parents, but don't exactly know how. The next time I see them will be Christmas but at this point, I don't even want to see them at all. I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry. And it took all my strength not to drive myself into a brick wall or a tree on my way home. I'm doing my best not to grab the scissors that are across the room from me and cut the shit out of myself.

So as a distraction, I've put on Eclipse and will do my best to keep distractions going by catching up on FB and my blogs. But I honestly don't know how well that's going to work.

I'm just at a loss. I'm distraught. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. And numb. All at the same time.

Why does everyone I care about lie to me?

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