Saturday, March 28, 2009


So I'm sitting here, reading The Pioneer Woman's blog (because she's funny as hell! And has the most romantic story of meeting her husband. If you don't know her, go read her blog!) and I have the tv on a Sirius radio station to keep me company (I don't like silence, I always have the tv or a radio on). I've actually been doing this all day, truth be told. I have no life. lol.

Anyway, I'm sitting here and the radio station plays Alanis Morrisette's "Head Over Feet" and the biggest grin comes across my face. My mind is flooded with memories of a simpler time. Memories of a first love. Adventures taken, firsts had. A time when everything was so easy...or so I thought. LOL.

I was with my first boyfriend for a couple months when I was 14, he was 16. It didn't work out, but I was so in love. He was my first kiss! We kept in touch over the years, though I lost a friend because she started dating him (and had a baby with him just a year later, when we were still just 15). They broke up the summer before I was a senior after having been together 2 years. I jumped at my chance to have him, again, as my boyfriend.

We dated from the time I was 17 until I was 21. He was my first everything. We had so many adventures running around San Francisco at all hours of the day and night. We spent a weekend in Monterey. We trucked up and down the 680 freeway every weekend to visit his daughter in San Jose. I almost got us shot once, yelling at another driver in his neighborhood because said driver was holding up traffic and I was impatient. We created, then destroyed, a life. We were young and dumb and did infantile and stupid things. We loved hard and hurt each other harder.

But still, he was my first love. And as badly as he may have destroyed me, he helped form the person I am today. Obviously I miss him, but I don't miss him as my boyfriend. I miss his friendship. He was my best friend for a long time. Even though we've barely spoken for years, I know that if I called him up and said I needed him, he'd come running. We've just grown apart, but that's OK. That's what people do. People grow up and move on with their lives.

Because this song on the tv opened up these flood gates, I sent him an email (well, MySpace message. LOL. I'm not entirely sure I have his most current info to contact him in any other way.) to say hi and that I hope he's doing well. It's been close to a year, at least, since I've talked to him. I shouldn't let things get in the way of just saying hi.

I think my resolve for my 30th birthday is to be a better friend. I don't ever call, text, email, or otherwise contact my friends like I should. So perhaps this is a start to a new, better me - reaching out and saying hello.

LOL that sounds like a phone commercial.

1:45am Edited to add:

And now comes a song that reminds me of Captain Douchebag.

Blue October's Foiled will always remind me of him because it's what I listened to everyday on my commute to and from working with him for months. There are a few fond memories of CD, but this is one person that I will never, ever forgive and become friends with again.

Yes, I was in love with him. Yes, I told him so. And he told me the same. But, for him, it wasn't real. I was used, abused, and tossed aside.

I've never known anyone to be so manipulative, conniving, cold, and evil in my entire life.

So, instead, I choose to redirect my thoughts of him whenever I hear Blue October, to remembering seeing Blue October in concert at The House of Blues at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas, October 2006. That is where I fell in love with this album and band. I remember walking around casinos alone, shopping, and tripping over this concert that still had tickets. I bought 2 of them, floor "seats", so my brother could go with me, not even knowing if he'd actually go. LOL. Thankfully he did. That night, my brother and I drank together for the first time and had an awesome time. That's what I'll remember when I hear Blue October.

I'm not letting Captain DoucheBag ruin my life anymore.

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