Crazy weather we're having!

So by now I'm sure everyone knows what crazy weather we Californians have been having lately. Last week it snowed in SoCal, the rain hasn't let up in about 10 days, and there have been tornado warnings in the SF Bay Area!! Yesterday or the day before, there was a warning for Santa Clara County (the South Bay), and today, RIGHT NOW, there's a warning for Contra Costa County (the East Bay) near Discovery Bay...that's about 10 miles from my house!

Just a half hour ago, there was a torrential downpour of hail. It lasted almost 10 minutes. By the time it was over, it looked like it had snowed. Here, I'll show you:





There are a few more on Facebook if you have me friended over there.

Seriously, this is insane weather!

The rain and hail has stopped and the sun is even daring to peek out from behind the clouds right now. There are still dark clouds out, so I wouldn't be surprised if it's raining again within the hour.

But, seriously! A tornado warning?!?! We don't even have basements in California, so how are we supposed to hide from a tornado? LOL. Especially those of us who live in upstairs apartments. LOL

Doing some good

So last week I had decided I was going to do the Susan G Komen 3-Day for the Cure 60-Mile walk.

In the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti and donating what money I could at the moment, I started thinking about who else I could be helping by donating my money and time. I decided that rather than be a fundraiser for myself for the Komen walk, I'll be a volunteer for the cause and donate money to someone who is walking. I decided to also volunteer for the SF AIDS Walk this summer and donate my money to my friend Jimmy should he walk it again (he did it last year and the year before). I'm also going to be looking for ways to donate my time on a weekly or monthly basis since I think my free time could be better appreciated by me helping someone else than sitting on my butt playing around on Facebook.

I'm also committing myself to donate 10% of my income to charity. Currently that's only going to be $100, but every little bit helps, right? I figure I can give up my Starbucks a couple times a week and, instead, give that money to someone who could really use it. As broke as I may feel, there are people out there who are literally starving to death and my $2.65 could go to someone and feed them for a whole week.

Stupid

For all the lying, conniving, deceiving, horrible things Kraig said and did to me, I do have to commend him for one thing. I've never felt more beautiful or felt such passion from anyone before or after him. Yes, he was a dog. He is a dog. But I know he was in love with me - you always know when someone is in love with you because you can see it in their eyes - and he let me know everyday that he loved me.

I hate that the person who, in the end, treated me the worst made me feel the best of anyone I've ever been with.

That's just another testimony to how badly I can pick them. LOL.

I just don't know

Can I ask a question?

What's the point in making your own baby food and breastfeeding your child if you're going to turn around and give that same baby a sucker filled with refined sugar and dyes?

I understand people slip when they're trying to feed their children organically and healthily - sometimes you give them a treat of chocolate or a cookie...but a freaking sucker?? That most likely has Red Dye #40 in it?

Yes, I know you can't control what goes into your kids' mouth 100% of the time, but you can't explain away photos of your 8 month old with a sucker in her mouth. And above the sugar and dye you are giving your child, this sucker is on a stick! It's dangerous to give a small child a sucker. That child could fall and that sucker can get shoved right down his or her throat.

I realize that I am not a parent yet, but I think like one. Yes, I know that parents are always very well intentioned but when you're in the moment with a child, you make decisions you never thought you'd make, but giving a small, tiny child a sucker is just a poor decision all around.

Hate me all you want for this opinion, but it's just that - my opinion.

Let's get it on

Proceed with Caution: This post is about sex and will probably contain a good amount of TMI and cursing.

Over the last few days I have begun to really miss sex. As one of only 2 species on earth, humans have sex for pleasure and I have definitely taken part in a lot of it in my 13 years of being sexually active. I've had long dry spells where I didn't have sex for months. I've had relationships where I had sex almost everyday of the week and even multiple times a day.

Generally, when I'm not in a relationship and not having sex, I don't miss it. However, I'm really missing it right now. LOL. Specifically, though, I'm missing being made love to, I'm not just missing the act of sex. I'm missing that close connection with the person I'm with - that person looking in my eyes while we are pressed together, skin to skin. Missing that person holding me close, gently, kissing me softly.

I guess I miss being loved.

I'm trying to find someone to date and everywhere I look, I would have no problem finding someone to be a fuck buddy or friend with benefits, but that's not what I want.

As huge a dick as he can be, I miss being with Captain Douchebag because he made love to me. Yes, we had a lot of sex, but 90% of it was making love, not just fucking. I miss that. I miss it so badly right now. He made me feel safe and secure even though I outweighed him by 100 pounds. Even though he lied through his teeth and cheated on his girlfriend to be with me, I felt like such a princess with him. Even just being hugged by him, totally unsexual in any way, I felt like there wasn't a care in the world.

I guess this isn't really about sex afterall, is it? Once again, it's just me complaining about how I pick men who love me a whole big bunch, but treat me like shit and I miss them so badly. But this is the thing - I don't miss Captain douchebag. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the passion we had. I miss passion! I miss love! I miss someone loving me! I miss loving someone! I really, honestly feel like I'm never going to have that again.

I keep watching people around me fall in love, get engaged, have babies, have happy lives while I feel like my life is stagnant. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and depression every minute of every day.

Most of the time I feel very good about myself - very confident. It's taken me a lot to get here, but I am here. Physically I feel good, attractive, hot. Yet I still seek approval of men. WTF is that about? Or maybe I'm not seeking approval, maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love? Is that it? I have no idea.

All I know is that I need someone to make me feel good in that physical way right now...and maybe the rest will follow.

Or am I doing that backwards? LOL

Worst Christmas Eve Ever

I am seriously sitting here in tears because I've had such a sucky day and night.

A manager that I work with have never gotten along and she really pissed me off tonight. She's the most condescending person I've ever known, not to mention one of the laziest people I've ever worked with and today was no exception. I wanted to slap her.

I was already on edge because I'm having to spend the night alone. I've never been alone for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning before. Ever. In my entire life. I was already depressed about that, but I guess it's part of growing up, right? Realizing that you're not as important as you think you are to people. Sure, I could have slept on my parents couch, but which is more lame - being alone at home or sleeping on your mom's couch? Honestly, I chose quiet depression over the alternative that may have been better for my mental state.

And then, a present I was given by another coworker went missing. I'm 99% sure I know who took it, but what am I to do? I just let it go. There was a spare that this coworker had gotten (she counted an extra person by mistake), so I took the extra. They were all the same thing, so it's not like it was something I'm missing by taking the extra gift, but the fact is that mine and the spare were in 2 separate places and should never have been mixed up, for one. Secondly, the person I'm sure took it had a gift of her own, so why would she take that plus the extra?? That's just being greedy and rude.

I seriously feel like people have been out to break me for some time. They've finally succeeded, so congratulations to them.

Now do you see why I hate people?


Dear God,
Make me a bird
so I can fly far
far far away from here.

Double Standards

Why is it ok to have sex with a fat woman, but it's so not cool to date one?

Why are fat women hidden away in hotel rooms and their own homes? What is so wrong with walking down the street with a Big Beautiful Woman on your arm?

This is the worst part of being single for me - trying to date and only finding men who are willing to sleep with me, but not be seen with me out in public. It's absolutely disgusting and hurtful. It's OK for guys to be fat. Hell, fat guys date skinny women all the time, but God forbid a fat woman wants to date anyone, much less a skinny guy.

It's really exhausting sorting through anyone who dares email me from a dating site, because I don't know what his intentions may be.

Yes, I realize that thinner women may have similar problems, but at least men aren't ashamed to have a woman who wears double-digit sizes sit at their dinner table in a restaurant.

Ugh. In short, dating sucks!

Christmastime

I love Christmastime. While I say that Halloween is my favorite holiday, Christmastime (starting Black Friday and ending on Christmas day) is my favorite time of year. There's something magical in the air. There's the twinkling lights and dressed up trees. Scarves and knit hats. Mittens. Galoshes (I still need to get me a pair of those!). And, most importantly, Santa.

While I was at work today, I had to fix a window display that I broke last night. LOL. We have large-bulbed Christmas lights in our front windows, framing the marketing behind the glass. As we were walking out of the door last night, I knocked a part of the marketing over and broke a bulb in the string of lights. The entire time I was working on fixing (and eventually replacing) the string, I watched people take their kids to see Santa in our mall.

Santa's photo set up is right outside my store, so I see Santa everyday that I work (since November 1st, or sometime soon after that). Often, he sees me coming down the hall and waves at me. It totally makes my day. I love Santa. I believe in the magic of Santa. And today I witnessed the magic of Santa.

I saw a grown man with special needs go up to Santa, sit on his lap, and talk to him for a good 10 minutes. Not once did I ever see a hint of annoyance or any sort of negativity in Santa's face. Santa was engaged and shared this man's excitement for whatever they were talking about. It very nearly made me a blubbering mess right there in the front window of our store. I'm tearing up just remembering what I saw. It was really the most awesome thing I had seen in quite a long time.

As we enter adolescence, we are encouraged to stop believing in magic and these mythical characters of our childhood. Santa. The Tooth Fairy. The Easter Bunny. I'm still not sure about the Easter Bunny, and I know that my mom was the Tooth Fairy because I found my baby teeth when I was a teenager, but I still believe in Santa. I saw him work his magic today, so I know he's real.

Happy Christmastime, everyone. I hope you all get to see some magic of your own.

4 weeks

It's been 4 weeks since I quit smoking!! Incidentally, also 4 weeks since my first surgery, but that's not the point of this post.

I QUIT SMOKING 4 WEEKS AGO!!! I did have one little slip up last week on Halloween..I lit a smoke and took about 4 drags off of it before deciding it was absolutely disgusting and I put it out. (In my defense, I had been drinking and was surrounded by smokers.)

I feel really good about having quit. I don't have that awful cough anymore. It's wonderful!

I also got my approval letter for my health insurance today. It's good for only 6 months, then I have to reapply, but hopefully by then I'll have gotten a new job with health insurance. I need to get my blood pressure checked out. I think I'm gonna have to get on medication. While I was in the hospital, they kept finding it to be 160/105 - or somewhere in that range of 10 points up or down. That's not good. My blood pressure has never been that high. The hospital actually put me on medication before my surgery to help bring it down so there weren't any complications.

This is just more proof that I have to change my lifestyle. Being completely sedentary is not working for me. But now that I'm totally healed from my surgery, I can get onto the elliptical. I hate that it's in the garage, but it's way too heavy to bring upstairs.

Anyway...I just wanted to celebrate being smoke free for 4 weeks. Yay!!

Halloween!

Just got my Halloween photos posted to Facebook. Click on the pic to see the rest.




Halloween was fun. There was a little drama before the party started because I was tired and apparently annoyed people with my attitude, but whatever. (I'd been up since 4:30am because I had to work that morning and was only able to take a 30 minute nap before finishing up party prep.) But once I segregated myself from everyone and got myself ready for the party, things seemed to be smoothed over and/or forgotten.

For a minute we thought only 2 people were going to show up, but, in the end, 5 showed up. It was the perfect number for our house.

I crashed out at about 1:30am (after the time change) because I was so exhausted, but I must say that I was quite the trooper to last that long. LOL. I'll at least pat myself on the back if no one else will. haha

Anyway..hope you all had great Halloweens as well!

And now we move onto Christmas time!! My work is already decked out in Christmas trees and paper chains. Christmas music, too!! It's such a happy time. ;o) Oh! And I got my first Eggnog Latte of the season. It was oh so tasty!