thoughts on god

you know, in reading all of these multiples families, i've noticed a huge trend - God is a huge part of their lives. Well, not huge for some, but for most. I've never been a big believer in God. When I was a kid, I felt that the Catholic religion was a sham and taught nothing but hate and to fear God. Everything was a sin, so how could you do anything right to get into heaven? Yes, I was a precocious child. As a teenager, I went to a Catholic high school and we had mass and religion classes, but, again, it was more about obeying the bible. There was never anything about Faith. Sometimes I'm not even sure what Faith is.

I wish I had the faith that all these families have. I want so desperately to believe in a higher power. I need to believe in something because believing in nothing leaves me feeling lost.

Recently I've started to watch Joel Osteen on tv. I record his Sunday morning sermons to watch when I can. I've read about half of his first book, but I don't feel like I have enough to believe. It's still hard for me to believe. I'm skeptical.

I think I need to get Sundays off work again so I can go to church. I don't like Catholic church, so I won't be going there. I'll be going to Glide Memorial. It's a Methodist Church I think. It's very spiritual and uplifting. Maybe I'll find God there. I know I'll be accepted there - I wouldn't be in a Catholic church, for sure.

I just need some kind of guidence I think. Hopefully I'll find it.