Goodbye Norma Jean

My grandmother passed away in her sleep last night. My aunt called at 9:45am to tell me. I've been in a fog ever since.

Grandma's been sick for a long time and for the last 2 months she's barely eaten and stopped all meds except for pain. She had dimentia come on pretty fast. I think it may have been accelerated by the chemo from her lung cancer treatment, but who knows.

I went to her house after work. My aunt was there, as were my great aunt (Grandma's sister) and a couple cousins. It was weird to be in her house without Grandma there.

She's being creamated. There's no services right now. They're making arrangements to have my grandma's ashes buried with my great-grandma. That's what Grandma wanted - to be with her mother. She didn't actually want to spend the money, but it's what we're doing for her. I'm glad she's going to get what she wants, but I hate that she'll be in Stockton where it'll be harder for any of us to visit.

My grandma was the greatest. I'm not just saying that because she's my only grandma, or because she spoiled me rotten as a child, but because she was a wonderful person. You couldn't not like my grandma once you met her. She was the sweetest, tiniest person ever (seriously, she's like 4'8") and she was beautiful. And funny.

Whenever I eat fried chicken I think of her. Growing up, she made it for us once in a while, but would steal the skin and throw it away. "It's bad for your cholesterol" she always said. I think that's why I love chicken skin so much - to spite her. LOL.

They're going to sell her house. I hate that. I wish I had the money to buy out my aunts and keep it. But it'll help both of my aunts and my mom a lot to sell it and split the money. For my mom, it'll allow her to retire on time since she'll be able to put money towards her house. The mortgage they have now won't allow my mom to retire next year. My aunt Pamela will be able to buy a condo and, hopefully, not have to worry about paying the bills. My aunt Kathleen...well, I'm not sure...I don't know if she still has a mortgage or not..but she's retired and has always been good with money, so she'll do something smart with it. I'm going to miss that house, though. I grew up in it. But it has to be done.

I'm working tomorrow, but then taking the rest of the week off to help out at my grandma's and just be around for my mom and everyone else. I didn't get to see my mom and dad today, but my aunt Pamela said my mom wasn't taking it so well. When I talked to my mom on the phone this morning, she sounded so confused. I don't blame her. I wouldn't know what to do either. But I'll see them on Friday, if not before. I'm going to spend New Year's Eve at their house. I had plans to be with friends, but now I know that's not a good idea. I'd end up getting hammered and either try to sleep with someone or I'd fall apart. Either way I'd kill the party and I don't want to do that to my friends. In fact, I'm trying right now to control myself so I don't answer (or post) an ad on Craigslist for random, anonymous sex. I get really self destructive when I'm depressed.

I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll toss and turn, but I need the comfort of blankets and pillows. I really wish I had someone to cuddle me, though. That'd be nice.

Death is a part of life. It's a sucky, sucky part of life.

I wish I had given her great-grandbabies. She would have loved that.

Getting to know you..err...me..

The more days that pass since learning about the truth of my Papa's death, the more I actually seem to understand myself.

He was depressed and an addict.

I'm depressed and an addict of a different kind. I don't do drugs, but I sleep around and I eat lots and lots of food.

Depression is genetic. One of my aunts was an addict and she takes antidepressants and has for years. My dad's sister was depressed and killed herself as well (though I know that she was also molested, and I'm sure the two are not mutually exclusive).

I feel so much less alone for knowing these things. As isolated as I felt 3 days ago, I have done an almost complete 180 since then.

I almost feel a sense of freedom with this knowledge. The shock was a burden for sure, but I don't feel weight pushing down on my shoulders quite like it did before.

When I get my new medical cards next month (for Kaiser - ugh!), I'm going to find a primary care physician and get on some meds. 3 people in my family have taken their own lives (that I know of) and I don't want to be the 4th. I'm not dumb. I feel good now, but something else will happen and send me very close to the edge. I need a little insurance that will keep me safe.

::deep breaths::

I've calmed down a lot since yesterday. I'm still very hurt and angry at my parents, but I'm not depressed and suicidal. I was really distraught yesterday.

is right - finding out that information doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change much now I think of my parents either. I already knew they were liars. I think part of me was also hurt because the image I had in my head of my grandfather was shattered.

But finding out about his death and his life, it made me realize why I am the way I am (with depression) and how my aunt came to be a drug user herself. And maybe why my dad has always said that suicide is not a way out. And why my dad is so against drugs.

I think I was also just upset because it's yet more lies that are piled on top of other lies and I'm sick and tired of them not telling me the truths about things.

I do plan on confronting them. Perhaps not next week at Christmas, but another time. I think I deserve some honest answers.

Sorry if I freaked anyone out last night. A good night's sleep and some retail therapy did me some good.

Lies Lies Lies

I went to my grandma's house to visit with her and my aunt today. Mostly visit with my aunt since I knew that my grandma would be mostly out of it. And she was. She's at home for "comfort care". She's home to die. She's on pain meds (morphine) and anti-anxiety drugs (because the morphine kinda makes her loopy and crazy). It's sad to see her so small and fragile (she weighs probably 95 pounds - I lifted her a few times today and she was easy to lift), but I was surprised to find that I wasn't as upset as I'd expected.

My aunt's friend was there for a while, but after about 3pm, I was there with my aunt, just talking and caring for my grandma. In talking with my aunt, I discovered a few things about my family that I never knew. The most shocking thing was finding out that my Papa, my grandfather, didn't die of diabetes complications as I had been told. He shot himself in the head in my grandmother's basement. The second that came out of my aunt's mouth, I had to walk away. I lost it. My mom told me a blatant lie about how he died. At some point, she did say something that contradicted it, so I knew she hadn't told me the truth about it, but to find out that he took his own life put me in a state of shock. I'm still in shock, 2 hours later.

I also found out that he was a heroin junkie.

And that my other aunt had been married, too...to a junkie.

And my grandmother had a second husband who was also a junkie and died from an overdose.

I also got confirmation that my mother had been married before my dad and got divorced because he cheated on her. He had been her high school sweetheart. She'd had a big church wedding and my aunts were her bridesmaids.

I am so angry at my parents for lying to me about everything my whole life. And not just lying, but for acting like life didn't exist before they got together. Did you know that I don't even know my dad's siblings' names? I didn't know I had an uncle until he came here 5 or 6 years ago for the first time (he grew up in Germany). I didn't know I had an older sister until I was 10 and she was 18 and she came to live with us for a couple months.

I have a photo on my refrigerator of my great-grandmother Lupe with her husband, my great-grandfather, and I don't even know his name! (Though now I have proof that I'm part Filipino).

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea who my parents are. Or where I come from.

And now I'm questioning ever finding a husband and having kids. Why would I want to bring someone into a family that lies? Why do I want to be in this family? What the fuck?

I don't know my ass from my elbow right now as I type this.

I want to confront my parents, but don't exactly know how. The next time I see them will be Christmas but at this point, I don't even want to see them at all. I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry. And it took all my strength not to drive myself into a brick wall or a tree on my way home. I'm doing my best not to grab the scissors that are across the room from me and cut the shit out of myself.

So as a distraction, I've put on Eclipse and will do my best to keep distractions going by catching up on FB and my blogs. But I honestly don't know how well that's going to work.

I'm just at a loss. I'm distraught. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. And numb. All at the same time.

Why does everyone I care about lie to me?

The beginning of the end.

I received a Facebook Message from my aunt today about my grandma.

My grandma was put in assisted living because of her dimentia. My Aunt Pamela wasn't capable of taking care of her at home alone anymore. This was 2 months ago. Well, today they brought her home and are bringing in hospice nurses. There's a possibility my grandmother won't live to see 2011. She's refusing meds for her dimentia and her lung cancer (yes, it's back).

I'm not prepared to deal with this. I've been in denial for a long time. I didn't want to believe that I could lose her. I wanted to believe she'd live forever. I wanted my own kids to know her. And now that's all going away. I have no choice but to face it.

I've decided to go visit tomorrow and help my Aunt Pamela out. My other aunt, Kathleen, will be out of town for the weekend (my cousin is coming home from NY for Christmas), so Pamela could use all the help she can get.

This is going to be a horrible Christmas season.

If you're of the praying kind, please pray that she goes peacefully.

Long time no see!

I still don't have internet at my house, so I'm still way behind on everyone's news. I just haven't really had the time or want to set it up yet. I think I'm finally going to AT&T on Sunday to see about getting it set up.

Anyway, life in the new place is pretty awesome. Palo Alto is a beautiful town. The downtown area reminds me so much of Berkeley. The trees change color here! It's been a long time since I've seen that. Even in Antioch, we had evergreens or Palms or something that didn't reflect the changing of the seasons. I am taken aback everyday I go to the bank and drive down the streets lined in yellow, orange, and red trees.

Living alone is nice. My apartment is just 1 bedroom, but I like it that way. There's not as much room to get messy. LOL. Although I do still have about 6 or 7 boxes in my dining area that need to be unpacked. I do have my Christmas decorations up, though! I've got priorities, man! LOL.

Mostly I've been connected to the outside world via Twitter. Occasionally I'm able to get online at Starbucks (like now), or at my parents house, but both are few and far between. In fact, I think this is only the 3rd time I've been online to check email and stuff since I moved down on the 20th of November. It's kind of nice not to be so attached, to be quite honest. LOL.

I've been trying to explore here and there. I found Walmart and Target. I also found a tiny Safeway a couple miles away as well as 2 Trader Joe's. I do have a Mi Puebla grocery store just down the street. I need to go in there and see what Mexican goodies I can find. =o) I'm not too far from Stanford, so I can easily find my way to mix and mingle with the college students. I ran into some 2 nights ago while trying to find a take out place to get dinner. I could definitely pick up a college man while I live here. ;o) I guess that probably makes me a cougar. LOL. Oh well. ;o)

Even when I get my internet access at home, I'm still going to make an effort to get out so I can attempt to make a friend of some kind. Hopefully that won't be too hard. People out here seem really nice. I like that. I'm tired of mean people. LOL.

I'm also looking for a church. It looks like I'll be having Sundays and Mondays as my regular days off, so that'll make it easy for me to go to Sunday Services. A friend of a friend lives one town over and I've asked her advice and help. She's very spiritual and religious, so I'm sure she'll have some insight. I can't really explain my need to find church, but it's there and I need to do it. The good thing is that there are about 15 churches in Downtown Palo Alto. LOL. I think I've found one I liked (online research) and need to work up the courage to go on Sunday. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway...I've been here over an hour now and need to get home and have some dinner. Hope you're all doing well! I'll catch up with you all very soon.