The Blame Game

I'm used to being the bad guy. Sometimes it really is my fault, sometimes I just don't argue and take the fall. Either way, I generally just accept the blame for whatever fight or argument or whatever happened so that there's no fighting. I hate fighting. But someone always needs to play the blame game.

Jenn and I know the truth - there's no one to blame. Things just didn't work the way we wanted them to, so we're taking measures to create our own happiness and truly discover who we are as individuals. There's nothing bad there, right? No. We're still friends. We're still living in the same home. We're still incredibly supportive of each other.

But I get the feeling that people may be angry with me. But that's just fine. Well, no, I wish they weren't mad at me. I don't like people mad at me, but I don't like to fight or argue, so I'm just leaving it be. Things will blow over and be fine like they always are. And if they're not, I suppose I know where loyalties lay and I know who my friends truly are.

All I know is that I'm too old for this bullshit. I'm moving on. I hope everyone else does, too.

I'm so weird...but we already knew that.

I anticipate getting sick. Not vomiting sick. Not fever sick. I just want a cold. LOL.

Well, I think I want one until I actually have one, then I'm miserable. LOL. I just anticipate getting one and am actually disappointed when I don't get a cold.

I'm so weird.

On the work front...

So I've been having a real good time at Bath & Body Works. It's an incredibly fun place to work. I love everyone that I work with (save 3 exceptions). I love our products. I love that the company is very Woman-centric. I love that we sponsor a family or a women's shelter during the holidays. I love that we make people happy.

What I don't love is having to work for someone that I believe has a drug problem. We have a new co-manager who has a lot of personal problems and tells us about them. First, I think that's highly inappropriate for her to talk about to any of us. Secondly, she shouldn't be bringing her issues into work, manager or not. On Saturday morning I worked with her and quickly realized she was high as a kite. 3 weeks ago, I opened with her and she was in the back office crying and telling me about her personal issues and how she passed out the night before after taking too many Tylenol on an empty stomach. Later that day, she gave 2 different versions of her story to other coworkers. Saturday morning, I'm pretty sure she was either on Oxy, heroin, methadone or crack. They all have similar looking highs - slowed speech, slow blinking, slurring, balance issues. They're narcotic highs. I saw them all when I worked in San Francisco. The closing manager, who came in close to the end of my shift, saw it, too.

In short, our store manager is aware, has already called HR, and has put everyone on alert to watch for the signs of drug use while on the clock. None of us like the co-manager. She's too ghetto to be a manager. She doesn't speak proper English. She's not a self-starter (she waits to be told what to do or ask someone who's doing work if she can help). She's insincere with her praise and compliments. I think we're all just waiting for her to fail.

It's hard, but we just have to be patient. I have no doubt that she's going to screw up and get herself fired.

In GOOD work news, my store manager told me today that she's working on a plan to get me more advanced in the company. Yay! This will help get me more hours and have some real sense of responsibility. This excites me! Maybe if the co-manager gets fired, I can sneak up and take that place. The 2 sales leads we currently have can't take that position, so maybe I can jump up there and take it. I've actually had a couple of coworkers ask why I'm not a manager or sales lead. LOL. I've had a couple of new people assume I was a manager of some kind. LOL. I guess I still carry myself that way, but I know these people have always seen me work my butt off and kind of take charge. It's just in my attitude when I'm at work. I'm far from lazy or passive when I'm at work.

Also, since I am still just part time at work, I am looking for something else that is part time - just to help out at least through Christmas. Full time work just isn't panning out, so I'll take what I can get. Last night, at 12:30am, I responded to a Craigslist ad for an assistant at a daycare. I think I'm crazy. LOL. Why would I do that?? I don't like other peoples kids!! Oh well, whatever. I get to play with babies. We'll see if that comes through. It's just a daycare, not a preschool, so I don't need ECE credits, thankfully. I can't try taking that class again. LOL.

So that's the news on the work front. When/If things change, you'll be the first to know. ;o)

Flash Mob

Best Flash Mob EVER!!! This includes the Sound of Music one I posted a few months ago.

Taking Control

I'm sure I've mentioned this many times before, but I'm seriously tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my life. I go through the motions of every day, but I rarely feel as though I've lived my day. I just exist. I'm tired of just existing. I really want to start living.

Over on Facebook, I've rediscovered old high school friends and see that all these people that I entered adulthood with have lived so much better lives than I have. No, I'm not trying to compete, I'm absolutely jealous. These people seem to have just done what they wanted and have lived happy lives. I know that everyone has times that are not as great as others, but my rough spot has lasted for years and years.

Now that I'm 30 years old, I can't allow this to continue. I'm not getting any younger here.

Yes, this goes back to that procrastination issue I posted about a week and a half ago. Yes, procrastination got the better of me and I still have yet to get on that damn elliptical. But, in my defense, all last week, temps were near or over 100 degrees and my garage isn't air conditioned. Also, I got pretty beat up at work and ran myself until I was sick. Not so good.

So now begins another week and I'm going to get started on getting myself a little healthier.

I'm also going to try a little harder to find a full time job. I need to do this for me. I thought I'd like staying home and not working or only working part time, but I hate having to ask for money or asking to spend money. I'm a grown adult, I shouldn't have to do this. I want to be free to spend my money how I want to spend it.

Speaking of spending money, I've come across quite a few plus-size fashion blogs (Young, Fat & Fabulous, Fatshionable, Big Gurl Fashion, and Five Favorite Things). These are blogs of average plus sized women who have found great ways and great places to dress their bodies. I want to be more fashionable. It's not that I have bad taste in clothing, I just want to have more of an edge and wear more than just ribbed tank tops and jeans. I also want to learn to wear heels again. LOL. It's been so long since I wore heels on a regular basis, but I really like heeled shoes. It'll help with my coordination, too. LOL.

But I'm getting side tracked (as usual). I want to take control of my life. I want to be selfish. I don't want other people calling the shots. I don't want to be told what my plans are. I want to make my own plans. I want to do my own thing. Being a people pleaser has gotten me in this situation and it hasn't made me happy.

I'm taking control. I'm going to make myself happy.

Rockin The Beer Gut

Just saw this on CMT. Hooray for girls with a little extra love around their waist!!

Breeders

Ugh. Why do people even care that Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child? Why do people wish she would die or that her uterus falls out every time she gets pregnant? Why is it your business?

The Duggars aren't using government resources to raise their children. They make their own money (apart from their TV show) and aren't in debt. Everything they have they own outright. The Duggars are raising their children to be upstanding citizens. In all the shows I've ever seen, I've only seen the children under 3 years old throw tantrums and that's because they're too young to reason with. They're not raising Bebe's kids. And, they're not even using your tax dollars to educate their children - they homeschool!

Yes, having that children might seem excessive, but obviously Jim Bob and Michelle are still in love after 20+ years of marriage and enjoy doing it all the time. The result of this is babies. Good for them!! Not many of us are as lucky!


I made a similar post last year when they announced their pregnancy for baby #18 and I'll make this post every time she gets pregnant.

Let's all direct our anger towards Welfare moms who continue having babies and are bleeding the system dry! Let's direct our anger towards parents who don't parent their children - letting them run wild in the streets and disrespect everyone they come in contact with. Let's direct our anger towards those who deserve it!

Procrastination

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? That's always been my motto. I consider myself to be one of the greatest procrastinators of all time. I've always been this way. If I'm told I have a deadline for something, I wait until the 11th hour, if I even do it at all. School homework was often late. Work projects are completed minutes before they need to be turned in. Most of the time my procrastination was never an issue, just maybe a small kick in the pants when I got something done late and got into trouble for it.

However, I've come to realize that my procrastination has really caught up with me and I'm not happy.

I'm an SA advocate and novice activist. SA is Size Acceptance. It's taken me a long time to learn to love my body and accept that I'll never be a size 2, or even a size 10. It really does take a lot of work to get to this place - to see myself as being beautiful when society tells me I'm disgusting.

While I do have a strong belief that genetics and hormones have aided me in becoming the size I am, I know that what I put into my body doesn't help and neither does my lack of exercise. That being said, I do need to state that my cholesterol is just fine, as is the rest of my bloodwork. Yes, I do have slightly elevated blood pressure, but that is due to the fact that I am a smoker. So, while I may be out of shape, I am not unhealthy.

What has gotten me upset is that I weighed myself recently and discovered that I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought. I am now greatly aware that my belly sticks out farther than my breasts. 20 pounds ago, that wasn't the case.

Now, where does the procrastination come in, you ask. I have an elliptical machine in my garage. It's collecting dust. I haven't used it once since we moved last November and have used it less than a dozen times since I bought it from a friend 2 years ago. I always say "Oh, I'll start using it tomorrow." or "I'll start my exercise program on Monday." Tomorrow and Monday always comes and goes and I have yet to set foot in my garage to use it and now it's caught up with me.

I hate exercising. It's really the bane of my existence. But I know that exercising makes me feel better (once the burn wears off), I have more energy, and my mood is greatly improved. But I have no energy to get down there in the first place. At least, I think, I've found motivation - to make my belly smaller than my boobs again.

I'll never be skinny, nor will I ever be thin. I'll always be "thick" or fat. It's a fact of life, and that's just fine with me. I just don't feel good where I'm at right now. My first goal is just to get back under 250. Idealy, I would like to weigh under 220, but we'll see how getting under 250 goes. Although, to be honest, I don't really care what I weigh. I don't give a crap about that number. It's the fact that I look down and see belly first, not my toes.

The number that I actually do care about is my pant size. I currently wear a size 22 (which, oddly enough, is what I wore 20 pounds ago. LOL. That's how I didn't even notice I gained weight!!) in pants. My top size did go up, though. I'm now in a 3x top. That bugs me. I would like to get down to a 1x top and a "teen" pant size; out of the 20's.

And this is where you come in! I need help. I need people to be on my ass about getting some of this weight off. I need help to get my ass downstairs, into the garage, and onto the elliptical. I do have some inspiration (Jen @ The Amazing Trips, Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew?, Gen @ The McNulty Quads, and Emily @ The Wright Five) for not just sitting around on my butt all day. These women are either on weight loss journeys or are training for marathons and walks for cancer research. Jen's What's In You Wednesdays always strike a chord in me, but I never do anything about it. It really eats at me just how lazy I am.

I don't want to do that anymore. A year ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV and I pledged to do the AIDS walk this year. I didn't do it. I've always wanted to do the Bay to Breakers. I never have. I want to do the Avon 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I never have. I know I don't have to be skinny to do these things, but if I get my energy up, I can do them. If I stop being a procrastinator I can do them.

So maybe now that I've put this out there for the world to see, I'll hold myself accountable and stop putting things off for tomorrow. I know it'll be hard work, but I can't have this mentality anymore. It's caused me to miss out on a lot of things/people/stuff and I don't want to continue on that path.

Perhaps I'll start "Motivation Mondays" and blog about my progress with my procrastination issue. Maybe if I just work at keeping things in the forefront of my mind (and my blog) I'll be more likely to stick with working on this and not just give up after only one or two tries. We'll see how this goes, but hopefully even this entry will be motivation enough.

Wish me luck!

Blah Blah Blah

I've been in a very unhappy mood lately. There's not really a single reason for it, there's a multitude of things that have added up to a lot of stress and bad feelings. The thing is, I have no idea how to remedy any of the things I'm going through right now.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've applied for a couple of full time Manager jobs for storage companies (that's what I did full time for the last 3 years). Money has been a small stress factor. It's not huge, but I would honestly like to go back to the standard of living that we had when Jenn and I both worked full time in SF. We also need the extra money to save up to buy a car. Right now I'm using my dad's truck on and off, but it'd be nice to have my own vehicle.

Also, it seems that if we do proceed with having a baby with Miguel, we may be on our own without financial help. His boyfriend happened to mention to me that Miguel is wanting to quit work and go back to school. If that happens, he's got no income to help us out - that's how we'd be able to afford having me stay home once kids come. But without that support it's not going to be possible.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that we're going to proceed with trying to have babies with Miguel. With this new information about him going back to school, and with him not even attempting to approach me about the baby making since I got back from Oregon on June 29th, I don't know that he's the right fit anymore. I just don't want to have to chase him down to see his child or to deal with whatever responsibility that needs taking care of.

I also feel like I've sacrificed so much by only working part time. I've become a real cheapskate. LOL. I try not to buy things if I don't have to. I mean, I go 8 weeks or more between dye jobs to help save money. lol. I don't drink the way I used to. I don't smoke nearly as much as I did. I only buy clothes for work and when I do, they're really on sale. But there are things in this house that no one wants to cut back on - like cable, or magazines, or beer, or books, or eating out or quit smoking completely (though we're trying to make the end of this month the quit date). In short, it'll just make my life happier if I can just have my own, larger income so I don't have to worry about this stuff.

In addition to that, one of the jobs I applied for has both Jenn and I worried that it's a posting for her position here. It's probably irrational to think that way because Jenn hasn't been given warnings or write ups for anything, but it's still kind of worrysome. I wish that I'd get a response back so we'd know for sure.

I'm just so tired of being rundown, stressed out, and depressed. I need medical insurance to get on some kind of antidepressant. I need to be happy. I'm so tired of being miserable. I've been miserable most of my life. I just can't live this way anymore.

I think finding a full time job would be the start, I just don't know where to go after that.

Ask and you shall receive

I came across a plus sized online store today that is not only trendy, but affordable.

Casual Plus

My next clothing spree will be going to this store!