You've gotta have faith

I wasn't really sure whether or not I wanted to talk about this in a public forum or not because, for most, and especially for me, faith is such a personal thing. Finding it has been such a journey that I don't think I'll ever have the energy nor right words to express the process correctly.

It's been a long journey for me to come to the feeling and belief of having faith in God and in God's plan. I can remember being 12 years old and having the belief that Catholicism and the bible was a crock of shit. My parents forced me to get confirmed in the Catholic church at 13 years old. I spent my teenage years in Catholic school and going to church only when I was made to because it was a school function. My high school religion teacher taught us that the bible is a book of stories, not to be taken literally. I found this a much easier pill to swallow, however I still couldn't bring myself to believe and to have faith in God and His plan.

I carried this feeling all through high school and into my adulthood...until recently. For the last year or two, when my grandmother started getting really ill, I felt a stronger and stronger internal pull to go to church. I hadn't gone except for a couple of times that I went with Jenn's family for special occasions. Both times I felt so at peace and a part of something inside that church, but I didn't have the strength to follow up on it. Plus all of my friends detest the idea of church in any form and I was afraid of dealing with their attitudes if I started going.

I still haven't gone to church, but since receiving a framed picture of the Virgin de Guadalupe that had been my grandmother's for many, many years, I've begun praying. Having Her in the house gives me peace. And praying has given my soul some weight. I don't feel like I'm floating around, lost in the universe. I don't know exactly where to go from here, but I do feel like I have a connection to something. I feel like I have some kind of purpose.

I feel like I believe.

I can also tell you that I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think I've been heading in this direction for a long time, but had to just find my own way and do it in my own time. I feel good, spiritually. It's really an amazing feeling.

I'm still trying to find a church. All I know is that it's probably not going to be a Catholic church. I've looked into some churches, but it seems that some places require you to be a member and take classes and tithe every week. I'm not so into that. I don't want to be forced into anything. I have to do things on my own, as anyone who knows me can tell you. There are a couple that have piqued my interest, but I'm still afraid of doing things on my own, so it may still take some time to get me in a sanctuary.

The other day a link was posted on the Twitter page belonging to Victoria Osteen, Joel Osteen's wife. I love Joel Osteen. I watched his sermons on Sunday mornings whenever I was up early enough to catch them. The link on his wife's page was a directory of churches they support. There are 2 in San Jose that I want to research and possibly attend.

This is all really new to me, but I did feel the need to share this excitement I feel at finding some faith and belief in God.

And if anyone local wants to take me to your church, I'm game! =o)

I finally went to church.

Over the past weekend, Jenn's family was having a reunion at her grandparents' house not too far from here. We missed most of Saturday's events because Jenn was at work, but we made it for dinner and swimming. It was fun to meet more of her family..there's a lot of them! LOL.

Sunday morning was church, then breakfast, then more swimming. Breakfast was awesome, swimming was fun (not as many kids in the pool!), but church was a real experience.

We went to the family church (St. Francis) for our service. Jenn's family has a lot of history there - her mother's father (which, btw, is not the family that was having the reunion, that was her dad's family) painted most of the paintings inside the church, including the giant cross that sits behind the altar. Her dad's family has been going there for 50+ years. All of her aunts, uncles, and cousins were baptized there, and quite a few have been married there.

I was very overwhelmed and almost overstimulated with emotions that I couldn't define. There was electricity running through my veins. I very nearly cried several times because I felt so full of...something...God's love, perhaps. But I definitely didn't feel out of place.

Jenn had been on board for the church trip for the last few weeks, but had changed her mind on Saturday, but agreed to go when I said I'd still like to attend mass. I was glad. It opened up a (short) dialogue about my wanting to continue attending church. She said she wouldn't mind going back to church either (and neither would our friend Cole), but none of us would like to go to a Catholic church. We were all raised in the Catholic church and don't agree with its teachings and doctrines. We all come from places where we feel, in one way or another, persecuted and abused by the Catholic Church.

I found a Presbyterian church in Pittsburg that I have been wanting to check out for months. I think now I'll finally be able to do it. I almost chickened out Sunday morning, but pulled it together and I'm so glad I went. I think now that I've broken the ice, I can continue going. But, especially since I've never been to this church before, I'll have to get Jenn up and drag her to mass again. LOL. I'll bribe her with McDonald's on the way. LOL.

In any case, I just wanted to share that I'm glad I went and I think this is going to help me in the long run. I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment by saying this, but I think this is going to give me some real direction for my life. I've been feeling lost for a long time, so perhaps this will help me get on the right path for my life.

I'll keep ya updated. ;o)

Baby making news - and a sign from God?

So Miguel responded back. He apologized for not calling when he's not coming over or going out of town. He's gonna make a better attempt at letting me know what's going on with him via email if he can't call or whatever. He agrees that a break will be good for all of us - so we can recharge. He also said that he'd pitch in for the fertility monitor pee sticks for the Clear Blue Ovulation Monitor and that he'd help us out with the insems. He's a nurse, so it wouldn't be that weird. LOL.

He's still very much wanting to do this, I think he's just naturally kind of flighty and isn't changing his mind about having a baby with me. I'm glad for that. When we come back to start doing this again, we'll have a much better idea for what we're in for and be able to, i think (and hope), have a more successful outcome.

Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement during these last few months. I've greatly appreciated it.

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A friend of mine came down from Sacramento to have coffee. While we were sitting out front of Starbucks, we were approached by a guy who said he was on a scavenger hunt. He's in town on a church mission thing from Redding and said that God told him that there was someone on the porch of Starbucks, with tattoos, that he needed to speak with. My friend, his friend that came down with him, and myself all have tattoos. The street minister had actually written it down on a paper and showed it to us. It was freaky. Specifically, the tattoo was of a cross. All 3 of us had crosses. Where the guy was coming from, he couldn't have seen any of those tattoos. My friend's and mine were actually 90% covered by clothing.

In any case, he talked to with my friend about ministering (my friend had done it for a short time with a church youth group in Sacramento a few years ago), and then asked if he could pray for us in anyway or lay a blessing on us. We allowed. I didn't really say much, just let him speak and took everything in. As he laid his blessing on us, I asked for God's help in having a baby. I also prayed for guidance in my life. It's not something I normally would have done, but I honestly felt that this guy really was sent to us for help.

I've struggled with religion, and with faith, for a long time. I went to Catholic school from the 6th grade through HS Graduation. Even as a small child, attending CCD classes on Saturdays, I had issues with the Catholic Church. I've always found so many contradictions in Catholicism that I couldn't honestly get behind it. Once, in my early 20's, I attended a Methodist turned non-denominational church in San Francisco. The difference between this church and the Catholic Church was like night and day. In the Catholic Church, all I was ever told was that I was a sinner and I'd go to hell if I didn't follow the bible to the T. But since I had found so many contradictions, I couldn't ever feel like I could live up to these standards. I was tired of being told I was wrong about everything I believed in. And then I found this church that a friend took me to once and I felt, for the first time in my life, that God was all around and that He loved me unconditionally. At this church, there was no mention of sinners or hell, it was all about Love and Faith. It was a truly uplifting experience.

I wanted to go back, but I never did. I always made excuses - the biggest being that I was afraid of what others (my friends) might think if I just decided to go to church. Honestly, I even feel like I shouldn't go to church. It's the Catholic guilt - I live a homosexual lifestyle, I'm an adulterer (several times over) - I don't know that I belong in church. None of my friends are church going people. The only person I know that goes to Church is Jenn's mom and that's a very conservative Church. I would definitely not be or feel welcome there (nor am I even sure that her mom would be willing to take me there). Maybe I should look them up in the phone book and go to different Sunday services until I find the right one.

I've said in an earlier post that I feel lost. I think today was a sign that even though I'm lost, someone's still looking out for me and I think that I need to look back. I just feel like I need to do something. I'm tired of being afraid.