See you later.

We buried my grandmother today. We met the family (my aunts, uncle, cousins, great-aunt, and my mom's cousins..about 15 of us total) at the San Joaquin County Cemetary in Stockton. We didn't have a priest or anything. My mom's cousin's wife said a lovely prayer and a few people shared stories of my grandma, then the cemetary guys put her urn down in the grave with my Great-Grandma Lupe (grandma's mom). My aunt Kathleen brought calla lilies for us to each toss down to my grandmothers. There were tears, but there was also some laughter.

I'm still processing the finality of everything. On Sunday she'll have been gone 2 months.

The buriel was planned for today because it's my Great-Grandma Lupe's birthday. I believe she would have been 104 or so. She's been gone 20 years. My grandfather's birthday was yesterday. He would have been 78. He's been gone 30 years. We didn't visit his grave. I'm a little disappointed since he's in the same cemetary.

Whenever I go back to visit my grandma, I plan on finding his grave.

Anyway. Like I said, I'm still processing, so I don't really have anymore thoughts to get out.

Oh..I do think that my grandma said hi to me the other day. I think it was on Monday. I was walking into the kitchen, passing by the windchimes that hang in the opening over the counter between the kitchen and dining room, and the chimes closest to me clinked together. I really don't think I was walking fast enough to create a breeze. I really think it was her letting me know she was here. I was caught off guard for a second and just stared at the chimes. I finally said "Hi Grandma" and went on with whatever I was doing. It was comforting to think she was here with me.

I've always felt my Papa was my guardian angel. Now I think I have 2.

Goodbye Norma Jean

My grandmother passed away in her sleep last night. My aunt called at 9:45am to tell me. I've been in a fog ever since.

Grandma's been sick for a long time and for the last 2 months she's barely eaten and stopped all meds except for pain. She had dimentia come on pretty fast. I think it may have been accelerated by the chemo from her lung cancer treatment, but who knows.

I went to her house after work. My aunt was there, as were my great aunt (Grandma's sister) and a couple cousins. It was weird to be in her house without Grandma there.

She's being creamated. There's no services right now. They're making arrangements to have my grandma's ashes buried with my great-grandma. That's what Grandma wanted - to be with her mother. She didn't actually want to spend the money, but it's what we're doing for her. I'm glad she's going to get what she wants, but I hate that she'll be in Stockton where it'll be harder for any of us to visit.

My grandma was the greatest. I'm not just saying that because she's my only grandma, or because she spoiled me rotten as a child, but because she was a wonderful person. You couldn't not like my grandma once you met her. She was the sweetest, tiniest person ever (seriously, she's like 4'8") and she was beautiful. And funny.

Whenever I eat fried chicken I think of her. Growing up, she made it for us once in a while, but would steal the skin and throw it away. "It's bad for your cholesterol" she always said. I think that's why I love chicken skin so much - to spite her. LOL.

They're going to sell her house. I hate that. I wish I had the money to buy out my aunts and keep it. But it'll help both of my aunts and my mom a lot to sell it and split the money. For my mom, it'll allow her to retire on time since she'll be able to put money towards her house. The mortgage they have now won't allow my mom to retire next year. My aunt Pamela will be able to buy a condo and, hopefully, not have to worry about paying the bills. My aunt Kathleen...well, I'm not sure...I don't know if she still has a mortgage or not..but she's retired and has always been good with money, so she'll do something smart with it. I'm going to miss that house, though. I grew up in it. But it has to be done.

I'm working tomorrow, but then taking the rest of the week off to help out at my grandma's and just be around for my mom and everyone else. I didn't get to see my mom and dad today, but my aunt Pamela said my mom wasn't taking it so well. When I talked to my mom on the phone this morning, she sounded so confused. I don't blame her. I wouldn't know what to do either. But I'll see them on Friday, if not before. I'm going to spend New Year's Eve at their house. I had plans to be with friends, but now I know that's not a good idea. I'd end up getting hammered and either try to sleep with someone or I'd fall apart. Either way I'd kill the party and I don't want to do that to my friends. In fact, I'm trying right now to control myself so I don't answer (or post) an ad on Craigslist for random, anonymous sex. I get really self destructive when I'm depressed.

I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll toss and turn, but I need the comfort of blankets and pillows. I really wish I had someone to cuddle me, though. That'd be nice.

Death is a part of life. It's a sucky, sucky part of life.

I wish I had given her great-grandbabies. She would have loved that.

The beginning of the end.

I received a Facebook Message from my aunt today about my grandma.

My grandma was put in assisted living because of her dimentia. My Aunt Pamela wasn't capable of taking care of her at home alone anymore. This was 2 months ago. Well, today they brought her home and are bringing in hospice nurses. There's a possibility my grandmother won't live to see 2011. She's refusing meds for her dimentia and her lung cancer (yes, it's back).

I'm not prepared to deal with this. I've been in denial for a long time. I didn't want to believe that I could lose her. I wanted to believe she'd live forever. I wanted my own kids to know her. And now that's all going away. I have no choice but to face it.

I've decided to go visit tomorrow and help my Aunt Pamela out. My other aunt, Kathleen, will be out of town for the weekend (my cousin is coming home from NY for Christmas), so Pamela could use all the help she can get.

This is going to be a horrible Christmas season.

If you're of the praying kind, please pray that she goes peacefully.

Life & Death

So the last week has been really rough.

Carl's services were beautiful. There was a rosary on Thursday night and mass & gravesite service on Friday morning. My dad was a pall bearer. I can't go into details without getting weepy, but throughout the tears, there was also some laughter.

This last week has had me almost in a tailspin. I've known Carl my entire life. He was my dad's best friend. His girls were like my cousins. We went on trips together. His death has me fearing for my own dad's life. I have always been afraid of my dad dying. I don't know how I'll get through it when he does die, but after losing Carl, the possibility of my dad (or, really, anyone else close to me) dying has consumed my thoughts.

I don't think of these things consciously, they just take over when I don't have anything to focus on. My mind starts to wander and all of a sudden, I'm imagining the phone call I'll get or begin to eulogize my dad and start tearing up. Of course I immediately change my thoughts when I realize where my mind is going, but I hate that my mind's going there in the first place.

Ugh. Death is so hard.

The last funeral I went to was 15 years ago, for my cousin John. It was a short chapel service at the funeral home, then the graveside service at the military cemetery. Carl's service was a 2 day event and it just drained me. Because we were so close with the Rath family, we saw more than I think we really needed to see. I've never experienced such grief first hand, much less second hand, until now. I think experiencing that grief exaggerated my own and brought forth all this anxiety that had laid dormant.

Ok...I have to get off this subject for now...but, yeah...death sucks.

Family and death

My dad called about an hour and a half ago. I had an odd feeling when he called because it's a Monday and I couldn't think of any reason why he'd need to call. Well, he did have a reason and it wasn't a good one. His best friend Carl died of a heart attack yesterday. He died alone, in his car, a block from home. A stranger found him and called 911. By the time emergency crews got there, he was gone.

I'd always considered Carl my uncle. He'd been friends with my dad for much longer than I've been alive. We've done family vacations with Carl, his wife, and their 2 daughters (both not much younger than me). I was on a bowling team with my dad and Carl for about 4 or 5 years. I remember finding his obsession with The Beatles to be kinda funny.

I last saw Carl on Opening Day at AT&T Park with my dad, brother, and my dad's other friend John. It was good to see everyone that day, especially Carl. I hadn't seen him since I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago and stopped bowling with my dad.

Carl is the first close family member I've lost since my great-grandmother died when I was 12. I'd pretty much forgotten what loss like this feels like. It's hard to comprehend that I'll never see him again. He was so young - the same age as my dad, in his mid-50's. And such a funny guy.

His wife, Paula, is beside herself. My dad says she's really kind of lost. She lost her husband and best friend. Both of their kids aren't home anymore - the youngest is in college, but at least she's only in Sonoma, so she's not that far away, and the other is married and teaching in southern California. I can't think of Paula ever being without Carl. They're two peas in a pod. I cannot imagine the anguish she's feeling right now. But I will pray that God gives her strength. I know she's going to need it.

There's a rosary on Thursday night and the funeral is Friday. My dad's going to be a pallbearer. I'm going to find coverage for Friday's shift so I can be there. I can't even imagine not going.

In any case, be sure to hold your loved ones close and tell them you love them everyday. You never know if it's the last time you'll see them.

Death, Dying, & Surgery

A good [internet] friend of mine made a post on her LiveJournal today. Her boyfriend of 2 years passed away unexpectedly late Tuesday night. They think it was either a massive heart attack or a pulmonary embolism. They won't have the autopsy results for a little while longer.

She's absolutely devastated. This man was her life. In all of the 7 years I've known her, I've never seen her happier. She met her BF soon after her divorce from her (now) exhusband and have been living together for 1.5 years. They don't have kids together, but he had a 5 year old that he had physical custody of.

Honestly, I'm kind of worried about her. I know lots of you are the praying type, so when you're saying your prayers tonight, please throw in one for her.


Another internet friend of mine, whom I've never met in person, is currently watching her mom die from lung cancer. Her mom was only just diagnosed last year, but it was already Stage IV. None of her treatments have worked. Hospice is already called in. There's only days left.


Also, a couple weeks ago, my grandmother had a routine scan of her lungs and was found to have 2 new "spots" on her lungs. She had a cancerous spot removed from her lung 15 years ago and has been clean since. Thankfully these 2 spots should be able to be removed cleanly as well, with minimal after care (a pill should do the trick). Her surgery is on Monday. My grandmother means the world to me. I've been not the greatest grandkid, unfortunately, but I'm still her favorite. LOL.


In short, please keep Joyce, Debby (and their families!), and my Grandma Mercy in your prayers tonight. I'd greatly appreciate it.