LOL So the app obviously didn't help. I just keep falling back into the habit of keeping my thoughts and feelings trapped inside my own head. It sucks. I've been living with my parents since April. I got fired from P.ublic S.torage for a bullshit reason. I honestly believe the new Regional Manager didn't like my defiance and outspokenness so he looked for an excuse to fire me. Whatever. It worked in my favor. I'm now back with my old employer that is a management company for storage facilities. I have some amazing opportunities ahead of me and truly look forward to being with this company for a long time. I know that it's not going to be an easy ride by any means, but we all know I love a challenge. Did I mention I also have a puppy? Yeah, I do. He's adorable. His name is Charles (aka Charlie) and he's a Chihuahua. My friend that gave him to me said he's pure bread, but he's really too large to be pure. I think I'll just tell people he's jumbo sized. LOL So back to this living at home thing. It's driving me crazy. Literally. Last night I kind of had a mental break and my brother had to talk me off the ledge. It was nice to know, finally, that my brother does care and allowed me to explain why I feel the way I feel sometimes. He's usually very insensitive towards my extreme sensitivity. Talking things out helped me wake up in a very good mood this morning. So that's my bi-annual update. LOL. I'll update again when I get a place to live. Hopefully that'll be soon!!

Blogger on the go

So I just added the Blogger app on my phone. I am never on my computer anymore, sk hopefully this means I will be around a lot more and stop neglecting my blogging duties. We'll see how this goes cuz I did the same for LiveJournal and it didn't help. Lol

Money sucks, man.

So it's been a couple months since I last updated. I've been wanting to wait until I had difinitive answers to relay.

Back in June, I went to the girlie doctor and ended up with an abnormal pap. I had to go back for a procedure called a colposcopy. The doctor took a few samples of my cervical tissue for further testing. That came back bad. I was diagnosed with Cervical Displasia. It was in Stage 3, which is one step back from pre-cancer. 2 months after this all started, I was able to finally get things taken care of. I had a LEEP procedure on 8/8 that removed all affected tissue from my cervix. My doc did take just enough tissue to remove the bad cells, but left plenty of tissue that I shouldn't have any issues carrying children at some point.

I'm glad to be in better health, especially since I had no clue I was sick. Unfortunately I am now in incredible debt. I owe K.aiser $1800 in medical bills from these labs, plus my psych evaluations. I also finally got my bill from my Stanford ER visit. That's another $1200.

I also totalled the truck last month. Well, it's still driveable, but not entirely safe. I am doing minimal driving right now until I get my next bonus payout. At that time, we're selling the truck for whatever we can get and my parents will help me with a bit of money to buy me a car. I'm aiming for one that's less than 10 years old. It'll also be a sedan or compact, hopefully a manual transmission, and be good on gas. I'm thinking a Nissan Versa, Altima, or Maxima, or a new version Volkswagon Beetle. Those are my top choices. Hell, even a Dodge Neon like my dad has. But not the sport version as the shocks are horrible. LOL.

In the accident, I collided with an Audi and my insurance only covers $5000 in damages. There wasn't a whole lot of damage (she was able to drive to the side of the road, though her radiator was busted), but I'm sure it'll total more than $5000. Thankfully no one was hurt, but now I"m scared that I'll get sued for the balance of the damages. =o( I'll just have to wait and see on that.

So in that respect, my life sucks balls. Everything else is going pretty well, I suppose. My new friends are fabulous. I can't imagine life before Brittany. She is absolutely amazing. She's like the perfect friend for me. I went to hang out over at her house the other night to play cards. I don't think I've ever done that before! She grew up doing it and loves it but her husband doesn't play cards. She taught me a couple games. I had beginners luck and kicked her ass. LOL. It was fun. It's so nice to be friends with someone who doesn't use you.

My Twitter family is just awesome. I've made some good friends and I'm constantly meeting new people. It's great.

Anyway, that's all I have time for today. I'm trying to get my house clean so I can pull out the Halloween decorations. Hope you all are having a safe and fun Labor Day Weekend!

How do I remember to breathe?

So I've kind of fucked myself again with money. I am so stupid when it comes to money.

My registration is now late because I was too short on cash to pay it. Granted, I had $180 in copays over the last 2 weeks that I had to pay for doctor's appointments that I shouldn't have had to pay (I was supposed to get a reimbursement card, but never got it), and then didn't have enough money to pay the smog and registration on the truck.

I still owe my dad the last payment on the truck, too.

I don't get paid until Tuesday, but I still won't be able to register my car until the following Monday when I have the day off to get the smog and go to DMV.

I have no idea how I'll be able to get to Vegas. I think I might have to postpone until later in the year so I can see how my money situation goes. You have no idea how disappointing this is. I was trying to bump up the date so I can go to a concert on September 9th but it's just not going to happen. I just have to focus on the now and worry about my trip later.

I hate that I always feel the need to spend spend spend when I know I'm already tight on money. It's so stupid. I told my therapist about it (for those not in-the-know, I started going to therapy) and she thinks that it's not anything too serious yet since I'm not racking up credit card bills (but that's only because no one will issue me cards anymore). I just have that need for instant satisfaction. It can be with anything, too. Clothes, food, coffee, a book, a movie, shoes. It doesn't matter, but I have to spend all the money I have, I can't save it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Part of me wants to stop buying the fancy food and eat crap. But I feel so much better with all these veggies in my body! I ate fast food a few days in a row last week or the week before and my system still isn't right. I can't do that. I've grown almost addicted to my breakfast smoothies (fruits with slim fast and greens), but those don't even cost that much, especially since my frozen fruit comes from the dollar store.

Ugh. I just have to get the registration taken care of and the smog, and then I'll worry about the rest. I'm trying not to drive much so I don't get a ticket, but I am so nervous I'll get caught. I can't afford a ticket!

Making Improvements

So I've been going to doctors a bunch lately to get myself healthy. With medication, my blood pressure finally has a normal reading. That's the first time pretty much ever in my life. LOL. My new Kaiser doctor upped my quantity for my scripts so that I can have 100 days at a time instead of just 30. But Kaiser also has the mail order option, so I don't have to drive down to the hospital all the time for my meds. I see the girlie-parts doctor in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that I'll be able to start BC pills again so I have 2 forms of defence against making babies with people I'm not dating (or married to, for that matter).

I have been migraine free since I started those meds and I cannot tell you how happy I am. I used to live in fear of those damn things and now I don't even think of them anymore. =o)

I made a friend down here on the Peninsula. Her name's Brittany. She's married and has a 2 year old. She and her hubby invite me over for dinner and movie nights sometimes. B and I go get pedicures and stuff. I babysit for them sometimes. I really like them. It's been a long time since I've made new friends because I'm not easy to get along with. Plus, you know, I don't like people. LOL But B and I have this "me, too!" syndrome and it's awesome. They're giving me a punk musical education every time I go over, and B is introducing me to her favorite movies.


Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Holy hell I am old! LOL I spent it up in Sacramento like I did last year. The difference this year: I got to spend time with my ex-stepdaughter. Austin's daughter lives with him now and she's 15 freaking years old!! When the hell did that happen? LOL. The best thing is we fell into a comfortable conversation very quickly. She knows why I wasn't around all these years (because of her parents - her mom not allowing me to see her and all the times I fought with her dad and disappeared). She still loves me and I love her. She's turning into an awesome adult. Granted, she's still a sullen, cynical teenager, but still. LOL. She's so not her mother, but she is so her father. LOL. I don't know which would have been better. Before I even got to the house on Sunday, I guess she was already telling her dad that she wanted to invite me to her Sweet 16 party in December. I haven't seen this kid since she was 9 and she's just welcoming me back into her life like there wasn't any time missed. I cannot explain how happy that makes me.

I guess that's the big stuff. I'll try to post more often. ;o)

Perfecting how to put a game face on

This is my current theme song right now. It helps me get through the day.





I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Chorus:
Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still

Chorus

How long, in another space and time
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long, did I know so hard to find
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

C'mon
Whoa Whoa X6
But I still walk on

Venti

So I'm officially down 20 pounds since March 4. Actually, I weighed myself on Wednesday, so in exactly 8.5 weeks, I lost 20 pounds. That's a little more than 2 pounds a week. Not bad, I suppose.

I wish I could see it in my clothes. But because I am so tall and wide, 20 pounds doesn't really show. My face is a little less puffy and I do feel that my clothes are a little loose, so that's nice. I just wish I was down a full clothing size already. Yes, I am impatient. LOL.

But I did set my LoseIt program (for the iPhone) to track my caloric intake to have me lose 1.5 pounds a week, so I'm running faster than my goal. That's pretty awesome actually.

I need to get back into an excersize routine. I got sick, then I had a pinched nerve in my back/hip that is just beginning to heal. Keeping up exercize with the calorie restrictions will help a bunch.

There are days where I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have to do it slow and right and retrain myself how to eat properly otherwise I'll gain it all back in a couple years. I am so proud of myself when I make good food choices and can eat a lot on that particular day, I don't know why I can't remember to do that everyday. I have bonus calories today so I am enjoying a glass of wine. But there are days where I barely make my limit and I'm still hungry. One day it'll click and I'll make good choices consistently.

Anyway. That's what's new with me on the weight loss front. Things are going well even if I'm not losing weight super fast. But that's a good thing!!! =o)


Oh..and I do have a confession: I looked at myself in the mirror the other day when I was just in underpants and a bra. I genuinely liked what I saw and I'm afraid that I won't like my thinner body when I get down to 200 pounds or less. I like being curvy and squishy. I wont' ever be a hard body or anything remotely close, but I like my belly. =o)

You've gotta have faith

I wasn't really sure whether or not I wanted to talk about this in a public forum or not because, for most, and especially for me, faith is such a personal thing. Finding it has been such a journey that I don't think I'll ever have the energy nor right words to express the process correctly.

It's been a long journey for me to come to the feeling and belief of having faith in God and in God's plan. I can remember being 12 years old and having the belief that Catholicism and the bible was a crock of shit. My parents forced me to get confirmed in the Catholic church at 13 years old. I spent my teenage years in Catholic school and going to church only when I was made to because it was a school function. My high school religion teacher taught us that the bible is a book of stories, not to be taken literally. I found this a much easier pill to swallow, however I still couldn't bring myself to believe and to have faith in God and His plan.

I carried this feeling all through high school and into my adulthood...until recently. For the last year or two, when my grandmother started getting really ill, I felt a stronger and stronger internal pull to go to church. I hadn't gone except for a couple of times that I went with Jenn's family for special occasions. Both times I felt so at peace and a part of something inside that church, but I didn't have the strength to follow up on it. Plus all of my friends detest the idea of church in any form and I was afraid of dealing with their attitudes if I started going.

I still haven't gone to church, but since receiving a framed picture of the Virgin de Guadalupe that had been my grandmother's for many, many years, I've begun praying. Having Her in the house gives me peace. And praying has given my soul some weight. I don't feel like I'm floating around, lost in the universe. I don't know exactly where to go from here, but I do feel like I have a connection to something. I feel like I have some kind of purpose.

I feel like I believe.

I can also tell you that I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think I've been heading in this direction for a long time, but had to just find my own way and do it in my own time. I feel good, spiritually. It's really an amazing feeling.

I'm still trying to find a church. All I know is that it's probably not going to be a Catholic church. I've looked into some churches, but it seems that some places require you to be a member and take classes and tithe every week. I'm not so into that. I don't want to be forced into anything. I have to do things on my own, as anyone who knows me can tell you. There are a couple that have piqued my interest, but I'm still afraid of doing things on my own, so it may still take some time to get me in a sanctuary.

The other day a link was posted on the Twitter page belonging to Victoria Osteen, Joel Osteen's wife. I love Joel Osteen. I watched his sermons on Sunday mornings whenever I was up early enough to catch them. The link on his wife's page was a directory of churches they support. There are 2 in San Jose that I want to research and possibly attend.

This is all really new to me, but I did feel the need to share this excitement I feel at finding some faith and belief in God.

And if anyone local wants to take me to your church, I'm game! =o)

Get on your bikes and ride!!

I did another big ride today. It was a gorgeous (albeit windy) day, and I couldn't resist. Plus I wanted to explore another trail.

Here's a comparison map of today's ride (in green) versus my old route (in red):



Huge difference! I think I probably biked close to 8 miles. I probably could have gone longer, but I hadn't eaten and the longer I was out there, the more I was scared that I'd get sick or something, so I came home. There is another branch of the route that goes farther south that I want to try. Maybe next week. I'll be sure to eat that day. LOL.

First stop on my ride was the duck pond. It's actually part way up that red route (on the south side of the airport, not the back side where the original red route is). When I pulled out the first piece of bread, I was mobbed by birds. Pigeons, ducks, geese, and some other little baby bird I didn't recognize, but he ate out of my hand!!

The pigeons got the closest. A few of them actually climbed up on my foot! LOL


This goose came running from the other parking lot 200 feet away. Running geese is a funny sight.


This little guy sat on the bench with me and ate out of my hand.


This is NASA. It seemed kinda far from my house when taking the freeway, but it's really not that far.


One of the days last week, when I first found this trail, but only partially followed it, I saw a military style jet take off from down there. It was pretty cool. I didn't see anyone take off from down there today.

It was a little windy. LOL. My hair has floated outside of the frame of the photo. LOL. Behind me is wetland and those mountains back there are between Fremont and Milipitas on the other side of the bay.


This is an awesome sculpture that I've seen from the freeway (at this point in my adventure, I completed the marshland and was back on the frontage road about 1.25 miles from my house). I was so glad to finally see it up close.


I think I got sunburnt a little but nothing too bad. I remembered my sunblock, though. I just felt a little hot to the touch for a while, but now I'm not feeling any residual heat. Thankfully. =o)

I really loved the solitude of my ride. I had some beautifully appropriate music for most of my ride. It made my experience that much better. I am so glad I decided to break the bank and get my bike. I have had buyers remorse, but then I go out on my bike and remind myself that it was so worth it!

Sleepy

Last Sunday I bought a bicycle. It's a cruiser style bike. It's orange. I love it. =o)



Behind my house, and all around my neighborhood, there's marshlands that you can bike and walk through. From my house, the trail to get to the marshland starts from the water pump station next door, then goes east towards the bay. It runs behind a park, the golf course, and the airport before getting to the marshland. To get back there, it's about 2 miles. That makes the round trip roughly 4 miles. There are several trails that I want to explore.



Biking is so much fun. I forgot how much I love it. I haven't owned a bike since I was a kid. In the 7 days since I've owned the bike, I've ridden that route 4 times...maybe 5. I wanted to go out today and explore a new area, but it's windy and cold. I did a ride last night and the wind just makes it miserable. I was riding into the wind the whole way home. It makes things that much harder when you're on a one-speed bike. lol. Instead, I did a 3/4 mile run on the elliptical. I think I'll do another one later since I had a 1,000 calorie breakfast (pancakes).

Yesterday I bought a basket for my bike. I want to be able to bike down the street to Mi Pueblo to pick up a few groceries as I need them (or make a Starbucks run) and carry them home easily. The basket has a separate base that is attached to the bike and the basket sits on the base, so it's removable to use as a shopping basket inside the market. How neat! I got a bike lock, too, so my awesome bike doesn't get stolen.

I actually named my bike, too. LOL. I've named her Clementine. Technically my bike is a men's bike, but since it's pretty much standard that all vehicles are referred to as "she" I thought it was appropriate to give my bike a girl name. LOL.

Having the bike has really helped with my weight loss, too. I don't actually own a scale, but I can see it when I look in the mirror. I can feel it in my clothes. Plus I've already seen/felt a difference in my stamina. I don't get so winded walking up 2 flights of stairs at work. =o) That's really awesome.

I'm really liking the LoseIt App for my iPhone. It's really helping me stay under 2000 calories a day. I didn't want to be drastic in my calorie cutting because I'd end up screwing things up and getting discouraged and give up. My plan is to lose weight slowly, get down to 200 pounds by the end of the year. Once I hit 200, then I'll drop my calories again to get down to my goal weight of 175 by the end of next year.

I've always done drastic diets, and failed miserably after 2 weeks. Or a month. This isn't a diet. I'm just holding myself accountable for what I'm putting in my mouth and making wise choices to stay in my calorie count. The other day I actually made poor choices in my lunch and dinner choices and was out of calories for the day, but was still starving at 9pm. Know what I did? I drank water to keep off the hunger, then went to bed. I didn't give in and eat. I was really proud of myself for that.

So that's what's new. I think I'm gonna lay down and try to nap. I'm sleepy. My Sunday paper will just have to wait a little while longer. LOL