This is me. Live and unedited.*

Money sucks, man.

2011-09-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

So it's been a couple months since I last updated. I've been wanting to wait until I had difinitive answers to relay.

Back in June, I went to the girlie doctor and ended up with an abnormal pap. I had to go back for a procedure called a colposcopy. The doctor took a few samples of my cervical tissue for further testing. That came back bad. I was diagnosed with Cervical Displasia. It was in Stage 3, which is one step back from pre-cancer. 2 months after this all started, I was able to finally get things taken care of. I had a LEEP procedure on 8/8 that removed all affected tissue from my cervix. My doc did take just enough tissue to remove the bad cells, but left plenty of tissue that I shouldn't have any issues carrying children at some point.

I'm glad to be in better health, especially since I had no clue I was sick. Unfortunately I am now in incredible debt. I owe K.aiser $1800 in medical bills from these labs, plus my psych evaluations. I also finally got my bill from my Stanford ER visit. That's another $1200.

I also totalled the truck last month. Well, it's still driveable, but not entirely safe. I am doing minimal driving right now until I get my next bonus payout. At that time, we're selling the truck for whatever we can get and my parents will help me with a bit of money to buy me a car. I'm aiming for one that's less than 10 years old. It'll also be a sedan or compact, hopefully a manual transmission, and be good on gas. I'm thinking a Nissan Versa, Altima, or Maxima, or a new version Volkswagon Beetle. Those are my top choices. Hell, even a Dodge Neon like my dad has. But not the sport version as the shocks are horrible. LOL.

In the accident, I collided with an Audi and my insurance only covers $5000 in damages. There wasn't a whole lot of damage (she was able to drive to the side of the road, though her radiator was busted), but I'm sure it'll total more than $5000. Thankfully no one was hurt, but now I"m scared that I'll get sued for the balance of the damages. =o( I'll just have to wait and see on that.

So in that respect, my life sucks balls. Everything else is going pretty well, I suppose. My new friends are fabulous. I can't imagine life before Brittany. She is absolutely amazing. She's like the perfect friend for me. I went to hang out over at her house the other night to play cards. I don't think I've ever done that before! She grew up doing it and loves it but her husband doesn't play cards. She taught me a couple games. I had beginners luck and kicked her ass. LOL. It was fun. It's so nice to be friends with someone who doesn't use you.

My Twitter family is just awesome. I've made some good friends and I'm constantly meeting new people. It's great.

Anyway, that's all I have time for today. I'm trying to get my house clean so I can pull out the Halloween decorations. Hope you all are having a safe and fun Labor Day Weekend!

How do I remember to breathe?

2011-06-02T19:59:00.001-07:00

So I've kind of fucked myself again with money. I am so stupid when it comes to money.

My registration is now late because I was too short on cash to pay it. Granted, I had $180 in copays over the last 2 weeks that I had to pay for doctor's appointments that I shouldn't have had to pay (I was supposed to get a reimbursement card, but never got it), and then didn't have enough money to pay the smog and registration on the truck.

I still owe my dad the last payment on the truck, too.

I don't get paid until Tuesday, but I still won't be able to register my car until the following Monday when I have the day off to get the smog and go to DMV.

I have no idea how I'll be able to get to Vegas. I think I might have to postpone until later in the year so I can see how my money situation goes. You have no idea how disappointing this is. I was trying to bump up the date so I can go to a concert on September 9th but it's just not going to happen. I just have to focus on the now and worry about my trip later.

I hate that I always feel the need to spend spend spend when I know I'm already tight on money. It's so stupid. I told my therapist about it (for those not in-the-know, I started going to therapy) and she thinks that it's not anything too serious yet since I'm not racking up credit card bills (but that's only because no one will issue me cards anymore). I just have that need for instant satisfaction. It can be with anything, too. Clothes, food, coffee, a book, a movie, shoes. It doesn't matter, but I have to spend all the money I have, I can't save it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Part of me wants to stop buying the fancy food and eat crap. But I feel so much better with all these veggies in my body! I ate fast food a few days in a row last week or the week before and my system still isn't right. I can't do that. I've grown almost addicted to my breakfast smoothies (fruits with slim fast and greens), but those don't even cost that much, especially since my frozen fruit comes from the dollar store.

Ugh. I just have to get the registration taken care of and the smog, and then I'll worry about the rest. I'm trying not to drive much so I don't get a ticket, but I am so nervous I'll get caught. I can't afford a ticket!

Making Improvements

2011-05-31T19:56:00.000-07:00

So I've been going to doctors a bunch lately to get myself healthy. With medication, my blood pressure finally has a normal reading. That's the first time pretty much ever in my life. LOL. My new Kaiser doctor upped my quantity for my scripts so that I can have 100 days at a time instead of just 30. But Kaiser also has the mail order option, so I don't have to drive down to the hospital all the time for my meds. I see the girlie-parts doctor in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that I'll be able to start BC pills again so I have 2 forms of defence against making babies with people I'm not dating (or married to, for that matter).

I have been migraine free since I started those meds and I cannot tell you how happy I am. I used to live in fear of those damn things and now I don't even think of them anymore. =o)

I made a friend down here on the Peninsula. Her name's Brittany. She's married and has a 2 year old. She and her hubby invite me over for dinner and movie nights sometimes. B and I go get pedicures and stuff. I babysit for them sometimes. I really like them. It's been a long time since I've made new friends because I'm not easy to get along with. Plus, you know, I don't like people. LOL But B and I have this "me, too!" syndrome and it's awesome. They're giving me a punk musical education every time I go over, and B is introducing me to her favorite movies.

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Holy hell I am old! LOL I spent it up in Sacramento like I did last year. The difference this year: I got to spend time with my ex-stepdaughter. Austin's daughter lives with him now and she's 15 freaking years old!! When the hell did that happen? LOL. The best thing is we fell into a comfortable conversation very quickly. She knows why I wasn't around all these years (because of her parents - her mom not allowing me to see her and all the times I fought with her dad and disappeared). She still loves me and I love her. She's turning into an awesome adult. Granted, she's still a sullen, cynical teenager, but still. LOL. She's so not her mother, but she is so her father. LOL. I don't know which would have been better. Before I even got to the house on Sunday, I guess she was already telling her dad that she wanted to invite me to her Sweet 16 party in December. I haven't seen this kid since she was 9 and she's just welcoming me back into her life like there wasn't any time missed. I cannot explain how happy that makes me.

I guess that's the big stuff. I'll try to post more often. ;o)

Perfecting how to put a game face on

2011-05-16T11:36:00.001-07:00

This is my current theme song right now. It helps me get through the day.

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Chorus:
Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still

Chorus

How long, in another space and time
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long, did I know so hard to find
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

C'mon
Whoa Whoa X6
But I still walk on

Venti

2011-05-06T21:09:00.001-07:00

So I'm officially down 20 pounds since March 4. Actually, I weighed myself on Wednesday, so in exactly 8.5 weeks, I lost 20 pounds. That's a little more than 2 pounds a week. Not bad, I suppose.

I wish I could see it in my clothes. But because I am so tall and wide, 20 pounds doesn't really show. My face is a little less puffy and I do feel that my clothes are a little loose, so that's nice. I just wish I was down a full clothing size already. Yes, I am impatient. LOL.

But I did set my LoseIt program (for the iPhone) to track my caloric intake to have me lose 1.5 pounds a week, so I'm running faster than my goal. That's pretty awesome actually.

I need to get back into an excersize routine. I got sick, then I had a pinched nerve in my back/hip that is just beginning to heal. Keeping up exercize with the calorie restrictions will help a bunch.

There are days where I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have to do it slow and right and retrain myself how to eat properly otherwise I'll gain it all back in a couple years. I am so proud of myself when I make good food choices and can eat a lot on that particular day, I don't know why I can't remember to do that everyday. I have bonus calories today so I am enjoying a glass of wine. But there are days where I barely make my limit and I'm still hungry. One day it'll click and I'll make good choices consistently.

Anyway. That's what's new with me on the weight loss front. Things are going well even if I'm not losing weight super fast. But that's a good thing!!! =o)

Oh..and I do have a confession: I looked at myself in the mirror the other day when I was just in underpants and a bra. I genuinely liked what I saw and I'm afraid that I won't like my thinner body when I get down to 200 pounds or less. I like being curvy and squishy. I wont' ever be a hard body or anything remotely close, but I like my belly. =o)

You've gotta have faith

2011-04-17T23:08:00.000-07:00

I wasn't really sure whether or not I wanted to talk about this in a public forum or not because, for most, and especially for me, faith is such a personal thing. Finding it has been such a journey that I don't think I'll ever have the energy nor right words to express the process correctly.

It's been a long journey for me to come to the feeling and belief of having faith in God and in God's plan. I can remember being 12 years old and having the belief that Catholicism and the bible was a crock of shit. My parents forced me to get confirmed in the Catholic church at 13 years old. I spent my teenage years in Catholic school and going to church only when I was made to because it was a school function. My high school religion teacher taught us that the bible is a book of stories, not to be taken literally. I found this a much easier pill to swallow, however I still couldn't bring myself to believe and to have faith in God and His plan.

I carried this feeling all through high school and into my adulthood...until recently. For the last year or two, when my grandmother started getting really ill, I felt a stronger and stronger internal pull to go to church. I hadn't gone except for a couple of times that I went with Jenn's family for special occasions. Both times I felt so at peace and a part of something inside that church, but I didn't have the strength to follow up on it. Plus all of my friends detest the idea of church in any form and I was afraid of dealing with their attitudes if I started going.

I still haven't gone to church, but since receiving a framed picture of the Virgin de Guadalupe that had been my grandmother's for many, many years, I've begun praying. Having Her in the house gives me peace. And praying has given my soul some weight. I don't feel like I'm floating around, lost in the universe. I don't know exactly where to go from here, but I do feel like I have a connection to something. I feel like I have some kind of purpose.

I feel like I believe.

I can also tell you that I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think I've been heading in this direction for a long time, but had to just find my own way and do it in my own time. I feel good, spiritually. It's really an amazing feeling.

I'm still trying to find a church. All I know is that it's probably not going to be a Catholic church. I've looked into some churches, but it seems that some places require you to be a member and take classes and tithe every week. I'm not so into that. I don't want to be forced into anything. I have to do things on my own, as anyone who knows me can tell you. There are a couple that have piqued my interest, but I'm still afraid of doing things on my own, so it may still take some time to get me in a sanctuary.

The other day a link was posted on the Twitter page belonging to Victoria Osteen, Joel Osteen's wife. I love Joel Osteen. I watched his sermons on Sunday mornings whenever I was up early enough to catch them. The link on his wife's page was a directory of churches they support. There are 2 in San Jose that I want to research and possibly attend.

This is all really new to me, but I did feel the need to share this excitement I feel at finding some faith and belief in God.

And if anyone local wants to take me to your church, I'm game! =o)

Get on your bikes and ride!!

2011-04-11T19:31:00.001-07:00

I did another big ride today. It was a gorgeous (albeit windy) day, and I couldn't resist. Plus I wanted to explore another trail.

Here's a comparison map of today's ride (in green) versus my old route (in red):

Huge difference! I think I probably biked close to 8 miles. I probably could have gone longer, but I hadn't eaten and the longer I was out there, the more I was scared that I'd get sick or something, so I came home. There is another branch of the route that goes farther south that I want to try. Maybe next week. I'll be sure to eat that day. LOL.

First stop on my ride was the duck pond. It's actually part way up that red route (on the south side of the airport, not the back side where the original red route is). When I pulled out the first piece of bread, I was mobbed by birds. Pigeons, ducks, geese, and some other little baby bird I didn't recognize, but he ate out of my hand!!

The pigeons got the closest. A few of them actually climbed up on my foot! LOL

This goose came running from the other parking lot 200 feet away. Running geese is a funny sight.

This little guy sat on the bench with me and ate out of my hand.

This is NASA. It seemed kinda far from my house when taking the freeway, but it's really not that far.

One of the days last week, when I first found this trail, but only partially followed it, I saw a military style jet take off from down there. It was pretty cool. I didn't see anyone take off from down there today.

It was a little windy. LOL. My hair has floated outside of the frame of the photo. LOL. Behind me is wetland and those mountains back there are between Fremont and Milipitas on the other side of the bay.

This is an awesome sculpture that I've seen from the freeway (at this point in my adventure, I completed the marshland and was back on the frontage road about 1.25 miles from my house). I was so glad to finally see it up close.

I think I got sunburnt a little but nothing too bad. I remembered my sunblock, though. I just felt a little hot to the touch for a while, but now I'm not feeling any residual heat. Thankfully. =o)

I really loved the solitude of my ride. I had some beautifully appropriate music for most of my ride. It made my experience that much better. I am so glad I decided to break the bank and get my bike. I have had buyers remorse, but then I go out on my bike and remind myself that it was so worth it!

Sleepy

2011-04-10T15:50:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday I bought a bicycle. It's a cruiser style bike. It's orange. I love it. =o)

Behind my house, and all around my neighborhood, there's marshlands that you can bike and walk through. From my house, the trail to get to the marshland starts from the water pump station next door, then goes east towards the bay. It runs behind a park, the golf course, and the airport before getting to the marshland. To get back there, it's about 2 miles. That makes the round trip roughly 4 miles. There are several trails that I want to explore.

Biking is so much fun. I forgot how much I love it. I haven't owned a bike since I was a kid. In the 7 days since I've owned the bike, I've ridden that route 4 times...maybe 5. I wanted to go out today and explore a new area, but it's windy and cold. I did a ride last night and the wind just makes it miserable. I was riding into the wind the whole way home. It makes things that much harder when you're on a one-speed bike. lol. Instead, I did a 3/4 mile run on the elliptical. I think I'll do another one later since I had a 1,000 calorie breakfast (pancakes).

Yesterday I bought a basket for my bike. I want to be able to bike down the street to Mi Pueblo to pick up a few groceries as I need them (or make a Starbucks run) and carry them home easily. The basket has a separate base that is attached to the bike and the basket sits on the base, so it's removable to use as a shopping basket inside the market. How neat! I got a bike lock, too, so my awesome bike doesn't get stolen.

I actually named my bike, too. LOL. I've named her Clementine. Technically my bike is a men's bike, but since it's pretty much standard that all vehicles are referred to as "she" I thought it was appropriate to give my bike a girl name. LOL.

Having the bike has really helped with my weight loss, too. I don't actually own a scale, but I can see it when I look in the mirror. I can feel it in my clothes. Plus I've already seen/felt a difference in my stamina. I don't get so winded walking up 2 flights of stairs at work. =o) That's really awesome.

I'm really liking the LoseIt App for my iPhone. It's really helping me stay under 2000 calories a day. I didn't want to be drastic in my calorie cutting because I'd end up screwing things up and getting discouraged and give up. My plan is to lose weight slowly, get down to 200 pounds by the end of the year. Once I hit 200, then I'll drop my calories again to get down to my goal weight of 175 by the end of next year.

I've always done drastic diets, and failed miserably after 2 weeks. Or a month. This isn't a diet. I'm just holding myself accountable for what I'm putting in my mouth and making wise choices to stay in my calorie count. The other day I actually made poor choices in my lunch and dinner choices and was out of calories for the day, but was still starving at 9pm. Know what I did? I drank water to keep off the hunger, then went to bed. I didn't give in and eat. I was really proud of myself for that.

So that's what's new. I think I'm gonna lay down and try to nap. I'm sleepy. My Sunday paper will just have to wait a little while longer. LOL

LA LA Land

2011-03-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend in LA visiting my friend cherrybombrandy. Brandy moved down there last summer and I've been wanting to get down there and visit her. We actually haven't seen each other in 6 years, even though when she lived in the bay area, we only lived an hour from each other. LOL. We were just running in different circles and our paths never managed to cross.

We didn't really have plans other than to hang out so we just went with the flow, got lost a few times, got caught in traffic a bunch of times, did some shopping and a lot of walking (I have the blisters to prove it!!).

My diet also went to shit, but whatever. I was on vacation. LOL. But I'm going to have to start a detox tomorrow. LOL.

On Friday night, we were at the shopping center at Hollywood and Highland to check out some shops. I saw some actor pass by us when we were having dinner at Johnny Rocket's, but I can't figure out his name. When I find it, I'll update my post because it's really bugging me that I can't remember his name or what movie it was that I saw him in.

Saturday we went to the FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandise) Scholarship Store and tore that place up. I got 3 tops, and 2 shrugs from Torrid, plus 2 necklaces, a bracelet, 4 or 5 pairs of earings and 3 rings all for $110. Big name retailers donate overstock and sample items to the store and all the proceeds go to a scholarship fund for the FIDM students. I was so excited with my find. I should find out if the FIDM school up here has the same store, too.

That night we went to the Santa Monica Pier. Brandy and I traded boots. She got these over the knee leather boots that are kind of biker-style. I had mid-calf boots with a low heel that were very girly. We made a permament trade, but with a condition that if either of us has need for the other boot, we'll mail them back and forth to each other. LOL. The funniest part is that her over the knee boots came right up just over my knee cap, and my mid-calf boot go to her knees. LOL. Weird. But they weren't the wisest shoe choice as we ended up walking around the shopping district across the street and both ended up with some blisters. It's painful to be hot. LOL.

Yesterday we had breakfast at this awesome French Restaurant/Boulangerie in Culver City. We both picked up some macarons to take home, too. LOL. Then we shopped a little more at Target and Ross while we killed time before we went to the taping of RuPaul's Drag U. Being at a taping of a TV show is really interesting, but there's A LOT of waiting around. And we couldn't leave because once they started taping, there was no stopping. We all got a chance to pee before we went inside the studio, but then we were stuck for another 3 hours.

Lady Bunny is one of their judges. She's so dirty and so funny and gorgeous! The other drag queens that they have on the show - Carmen, Raven, and Tyra are stunning. I wish I was that pretty. Seriously. It's a crime that drag queens are that beautiful. Other than that, I can't talk about the show. I'll watch the website and let you know when the episode will be on and maybe you'll get to see me. Hah!

I finally left LA at 9. I didn't have too many stops on the way home, but I still didn't get to Mom & Dad's until 3:45am.

It was a weekend of a lot of adventures, but that's how we like to do it. LOL. Next time I hope the weather is more forgiving. I really want to do the Hollywood sign hike. It sounds tough, but the views look spectacular. Be prepared, Brandy! We're doing it the next time I come down!!

I'm so bad at this

2011-03-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm such a horrible blogger. I could never do this professionally. I guess that's why I have so many readers. LOL.

Anyway...this is what's been going on with me:

After my ER incident, I made an appointment for that same Friday to see a doctor at Stanford about my blood pressure. She put me on 5mg Amlodipine to start immediately. She also did a blood draw to test 500 different things to see if there was any other cause for my blood pressure and obesity (yes, I said it). On Monday morning, I get a call from her office stating that they called in a second script for me to pick up at CVS. It's hydrochlorothiazide which is a diuretic.

So now I'm on 2 meds because I have a family history of high blood pressure that was bound to hit me at some point and unfortunately it hit me way early because I'm fat.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm on pills. I have alarms on my iPhone to tell me when to take my pill. I haven't missed one yet! It's impressive because I am horrible about taking medications of any kind. I mean, I've had a cold for the last 4 days and have forgotten to take my DayQuil I don't know how many times. LOL.

On Monday night, at about 9:30, my electric water heater shorted out and caught fire. I was watching TV when I heard a couple of pops and some hissing. It took me a minute to figure it out, but then I saw my water heater on fire. I ran into the store office to grab a fire extinguisher, then put it out. I was so freaked out I don't even remember finding my phone to call 911. I was grateful that I still had a bra on when the fire department showed up. They were hotties! The fire was tiny. The worst of the damage was that my entire house ended up covered in Chem Dry from the extinguisher. It took a few days to clean up the entire mess, but only 1 to get a new water heater.

Believe me when I say I prayed to the Lord that night for allowing me to be home when that happened. If I wasn't, I would have lost everything, including my cats, and the business would have caught fire.

I was supposed to have a follow up doctor's appointment on Tuesday, but had to deal with the fire situation and wait for the plumbers to replace my water heater. It's been rescheduled for this Thursday morning. I do feel like the meds are working. I don't feel hot all the time. I feel normal temperature now. And I haven't had a headache in a week!

This week I've also started monitoring my calorie intake and working out on my elliptical. I downloaded the LoseIt app for my phone and am tracking everything. I set the weight loss pretty low so that I have a realistic expectation for weight loss. 1.5 pounds per week. My daily budget is still 2100 calories. Honestly, using this app has made me realize just how much I over eat. I knew I did already, but this pretty much slapped me in the face. But I'm eating better. Making wiser choices. I'm measuring food! LOL But I'm doing OK. I think this app may be the best thing to help me in watching what I eat. I'm still eating "normally", but I'm making better choices in how much I eat and making better choices about what I put in my mouth.

On Friday I received a copy of my blood test results. Everything's freakin normal! I don't have high cholesterol or any bad numbers of any kind. I also don't have HIV or Hepatitis.

So this is what's happened to me since my last post. Exciting, huh? ;o) haha.

OH! and I am making plans to hit up Vegas in late September to visit my Las Vegas Girlfriend Joyce. =o) I haven't seen that woman in over 4 years. October 2006 was when I was there last and I got to hang out with her for a night. Now she's gonna get me for 4 or 5 days! I'm so excited. =oD I'm crossing my fingers that I'll bonus this quarter and I can get my plane tickets next month. Woot! Told you I was getting on a plane this year!

Doctor, doctor, give me the news

2011-02-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

For those of you not on Facebook, I spent most of yesterday at the Stanford Emergency Department.

I had another one of those allergy-welt attacks and this one was bad. When it started to come on, I took a double dose of Benadryl just like I always do, but it continued getting bad. I took a shower to try to cool myself down and try to get rid of the allergy, but that didn't help. While in the shower, I also realized I had some swelling in my throat. That's when I decided to take myself to the ER.

This time I didn't get lost going to the hospital. Navigating Stanford was not easy, but I followed the sinage a little better and was able to easily find the entrance. I went in (through security who had to check my bag and scan me for metal on my person) and was seen right away. Well, that's not true. I was triaged immediately and was given a bed, but it was another 30 minutes until I was seen. In their defence, I was already on the decline when I went in, but still had throat swelling so I went in anyway. I'm glad I did. It was real eye opening to me.

I got there sometime around 11sih and around 2, I was finally given some Predisone and Pepcid. I then got the option to drink a liter of water or have an IV put in. I opted to drink the water and sucked it down in 15 minutes. LOL. I was told not long after that I would be going home soon.

Then they checked my blood pressure. When I was triaged, my BP was about 200/140. Not unusual when I'm in the midst of a mild panic attack due to an allergic reaction. When they checked it around 2:30, it was only down to 195/120. Because of this, they kept me for observation. They couldn't send me home until they felt it was safe. At 4:45, I had only come down to 180/119, but the attending didn't feel the need to keep me anymore. She said that they couldn't diagnose me, officially, as hypertensive because it could have just been circumstantial, but because I did admit to having a history of borderline-high BP, she insisted I find a primary care doctor and get the BP checked out asap and get a referral to an allergist.

She also suggested the possibility that what happened to me was not an allergic reaction, but it could be a carcinoid which is a tumor-like growth that kind of mimics allergy symptoms. Going to an allergist will either confirm or reject this idea. (In all honesty, I'm thinking this or something like it is the culperate here. These allergy attacks have no obvious source or trigger.)

I don't like the thought of having to see a ton of doctors all the time now, but I want to see 40, so I'll bite the bullet and do it.

I also got a prescription for an EpiPen. Did you know those things cost $85?? Me either. Craziness. So now I have to carry one around with me all the time just in case. I never had allergies until the last few years. This kinda sucks.

My head is always killing me, too. This is because of my elevated blood pressure and steroids. Tomorrow is the last day for the Prednisone, so hopefully the headache will be gone by Thursday. I'm not sure if I should take anything for it, so I'm just living with it right now. Thankfully tomorrow's the first of the month, so work should be real easy.

So now I have an appointment with a doctor on the Stanford campus. I opted to find someone there so they could have easy access to my ER records. Friday morning at 8am. It should be one of the first of the day, so I can still get to work on time.

Why is it that my health issues can't be small? They've always got to be something big. =o\

What you mean he don't eat meat? That's OK. I make a lamb.

2011-02-25T23:23:00.000-08:00

What's up my fellow bakers?

I come today, bearing a wonderful gift: My Birthday Cake. This is the cake that my mom has made for most of my birthdays over the last 31 years. I am still trying to perfect the execution, but I'm getting better every time. LOL.

Doesn't it look tasty?

This cake is made with Pistachio Pudding! It's also kind of a weird green color, but trust me: It's delicious.

Here we go...

The ingredients:

1 white or yellow cake mix
1 pkg pistachio pudding mix
4 large eggs (I only had jumbo, but that's just fine)
1/2c orange juice (no pulp please)
1/4c water
1/2c vegetable oil
3/4c chocolate syrup
powdered sugar (or, if you don't have any like me, use chocolate frosting)

Combine the first 6 ingredients and mix well (I used my hand mixer for a couple minutes).

Then pour 1/2 - 2/3 of the batter into a prepared bundt pan.

Take the chocolate syrup and mix it into the remaining batter

And pour it on top of the original batter. Don't mix it! Let the magic happen on its own.

Place in a 325 degree oven and bake for 45 - 50 minutes. When a toothpic comes out clean, let it cool in the pan, on the counter for an hour. Then you can turn it out.

When it's completely cool, dust with the powdered sugar. That's the traditional way. But since I didn't have any in the house, I took some frosting that's been in my fridge for about 2 months and melted it down. I drizzed about a 1/4c of chocolate frosting on top.

When you cut it open, you see the magic:

Truth be told, I was impatient and cut into the cake while it was slightly warm, so it was a bit crumbly. It's best if you make this early in the day so it's nice and cool by the time dessert rolls around. lol.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!

See you later.

2011-02-23T21:51:00.000-08:00

We buried my grandmother today. We met the family (my aunts, uncle, cousins, great-aunt, and my mom's cousins..about 15 of us total) at the San Joaquin County Cemetary in Stockton. We didn't have a priest or anything. My mom's cousin's wife said a lovely prayer and a few people shared stories of my grandma, then the cemetary guys put her urn down in the grave with my Great-Grandma Lupe (grandma's mom). My aunt Kathleen brought calla lilies for us to each toss down to my grandmothers. There were tears, but there was also some laughter.

I'm still processing the finality of everything. On Sunday she'll have been gone 2 months.

The buriel was planned for today because it's my Great-Grandma Lupe's birthday. I believe she would have been 104 or so. She's been gone 20 years. My grandfather's birthday was yesterday. He would have been 78. He's been gone 30 years. We didn't visit his grave. I'm a little disappointed since he's in the same cemetary.

Whenever I go back to visit my grandma, I plan on finding his grave.

Anyway. Like I said, I'm still processing, so I don't really have anymore thoughts to get out.

Oh..I do think that my grandma said hi to me the other day. I think it was on Monday. I was walking into the kitchen, passing by the windchimes that hang in the opening over the counter between the kitchen and dining room, and the chimes closest to me clinked together. I really don't think I was walking fast enough to create a breeze. I really think it was her letting me know she was here. I was caught off guard for a second and just stared at the chimes. I finally said "Hi Grandma" and went on with whatever I was doing. It was comforting to think she was here with me.

I've always felt my Papa was my guardian angel. Now I think I have 2.

Girl, Interrupted.

2011-02-13T19:49:00.000-08:00

My aunt called today to let me know my cousin is in the hospital at Stanford and asked if I wanted to come by and visit. I hate hospitals, but I agreed to go visit. My cousin has been in and out of hospitals for a long time and I wanted to help make her visit a little more comfortable.

The reason she was in there? On Tuesday she went on a bender on Crystal Meth and went bananas. She's in the psych ward on a 72-hour hold (plus the weekend). She might get released tomorrow, but it depends on her behavior. Apparently she got really riled up last night and wanted to beat some people up. She's always had rage issues and has gone to anger management before.

Anyway. She's always had drug issues in the past, but I think my grandmother's death pushed her over the edge. She's been erratic for years, so I think my grandmother's passing was the catalyst for a breakdown.

Sitting in there with her, watching some of the other patients scared the crap out of me. I could very well end up in some place like that at any time. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to keep a breakdown away. I've always been on the edge, but I guess I'm stronger than I've always thought.

This also just makes me realize how crazy my family is and how sheltered I grew up. Craziness runs in my family. On BOTH sides. It's no wonder my aunt, cousin, and I are all screwed up. We never had a chance.

So, on my way home, I picked up a few things to feed my vices: cigarettes, fast food, and ice cream. No, they don't make me feel better in the least. They make me feel crappy. But at least I'm not doing meth. Or cutting (though the night's not over).

Cheaters never win

2011-01-28T13:37:00.000-08:00

I am so frustrated with the people I work with. Our boss has us keep a log to track our performances and there are things on this log that people are cheating on or being unethical in order to have high numbers. I refuse to compromise my integrity to be at the top of the list.

I have always prided myself on being an upstanding and honest employee. I am so angry to see, on a daily basis, people lie and cheat just to make other managers (like myself) look bad.

Of course our bosses have no idea, nor do they even care. All they see are the numbers. Well, frankly I'd rather have poorer sales numbers and an awesome occupancy rate and prove myself that way.

The occupancy rate at this store was always around 88% during the slow season. Since the first day I got here, I have been reeling people in and have held a 92% occupancy rate. That's not common for this property.

I wish that there was some sort of regulation on the information managers are giving every month to verify that their info is true. Unfortunately that's not the case so these people will continue to get away with cheating. It pisses me off that there's nothing I can do.

Adventures are a-comin!

2011-01-23T01:04:00.000-08:00

So this is the year of adventures! I'm creating my own fun.

Adventure number 1 is in the works: A roadtrip to L.A. to see Brandy next month. I'll be going down on a Friday and come home Sunday. I'm so excited!! I've never gone so far by myself. I've only driven 2 hours alone. This will be fun. I already ordered a car charger for my iphone. LOL. My dad has offered me the use of his car for the trip because it'll go faster and use less gas than the truck. LOL.

I wish I'd have time to see my other friends like Tiffany, the Dans, and meet Tammie (one of my fake internet friends). But I think they'll have to wait for another trip. I haven't seen Brandy in about 2 years I think. And she was only 25 or 30 miles from me the whole time we've known each other! LOL.

I'm also starting to plan my next adventure...Vegas in June. I haven't seen Joyce in I don't even remember how many years. I may rent a car for that one, but I'll save up my PTO and I should get another bonus paid out in April. I make my last car payment to my dad in May, and will have all my money to myself starting in June.

I'm so excited for this year. You have no idea! I'm sure I'll have plenty of mini adventures, and the big ones will be few and far between, but there will be adventures! =o)

I've decided that I need to fly on a plane this year. I just don't know where the funds will come from or where I'll go yet, but I'm going to fly on a plane!

Green is Good

2011-01-12T20:15:00.001-08:00

So I was recently introduced to freecycle.org and I am in love with it. I love this idea of free "swapping" items you don't need or want anymore. People post things such as beds and couches, tables, yarn, tv's, vases, picture frames. It's a wonderful thing.

I think with my simplified lifestyle I'm much more into recylcing and reusing items.

So far I've gotten contacts (enough for a 3 months supply!), and I just picked up some yarn today. I've also given away a tv and vcr.

I do have to admit it's strange to exchange a single email with someone and have them give you their address to pick up items they placed on their front porch for you. LOL. It's a little frightening and a complete adrenaline rush. LOL The yarn I got today was on someone's porch, behind a 6' fence! It was weird going onto someone's property that way. LOL.

Anyway, I plan on using this to pick up more giveaways and to do giveaways of my own. It's kind of addictive. ;o)

Moving on

2011-01-09T19:50:00.000-08:00

It's been 2 weeks since Grandma passed away. Most of the time I'm fine. I honestly try not to think about her too much because it does get to me that she's not around. Yesterday a customer came by with her 80+ year old mother and I got a little weepy.

Mom and Dad came by today. Mom said she's not sure what's going on with Grandma's ashes. I guess my aunt Kathleen keeps changing her mind or changing the date of when they will bury my grandmother's ashes with my great-grandmother. So I guess we're just waiting around on her. It's not something I'm looking forward to, but it'll help bring closure, I think.

In other news, I'm totally settled in at home. Today I moved my livingroom tv to my bedroom because Mom & Dad brought me my brother's old tv for me to have in the livingroom. It's a 32" CRT type tv. He bought a flat screen last month and donated this one to me. The one in my room is a 27" CRT. I've now got an extra 13" CRT that I need to get rid of. I think I'll list it on freecycle.com. Maybe someone will want it for their dorm or for their little kid's room.

Work is going well. There's talk of more promotions (yes, multiple) happening this year. I'm looking forward to that. I have a reputation that precedes me and it's definitely working to my benefit. LOL.

Anyway...that's all that' new with me recently...Oh no, wait..I forgot...I bought an iPhone last week. LOL. It's an amazing piece of technology. I don't know why I waited so long to get it. LOL. Oh wait...I know...because it was expensive and my contract wasn't up yet. I was finally elligible for an upgrade last month and the iPhone was down to $99, so I caved. Of course this week they're now $49. Bastards. lol. Oh well. This phone is a total time suck, though. LOL. I would spend all my time on my phone if I could. For this reason, I make myself earn time on my phone. I have to clean so much and do so many tasks at work before I can allow myself a few minutes to play with my phone. LOL. I actually think I'm more productive around the house and at work now. haha!

Anyway...gonna finish my movie (The Outsiders) and then watch The Imaginarium of Dr Pernassus or whatever it's called. I've got it on my Netflix stream and heard it got some good reviews.

We are family

2011-01-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

Facebook is an awesome creation.

Because of Facebook, this week I friended over 30 family members that I haven't seen in close to 20 years, and even some that I've never met before in my life.

My grandfather Richard Becerra was one of 7 children.

Each of these children grew up and had children of their own. My mother and her sisters have 30+ first cousins.

I've always complained that my mom kept us from our Stockton family and because of Facebook, I can connect with my family and be with them now. I am so grateful.

There's a party on Saturday for my uncle Richie (my grandfather's only son) as he's here on an extended visit from Germany. I would love to go, but it's a 2+ hour drive from my house and I work until 5pm. But thanks to my Tia Sally, I know that I'll be invited to everything from now on and will have many more chances to be with family.

I feel like I'm a part of a real family now, not just some segregated section. I know my mom won't participate at all, but I don't need to wait for her. Now that I feel I have my own connections to my own family, I can see then when I want. I've always been afraid of my mother, thinking that if she's not speaking to family members, then neither should I. Screw that noise. The next Becerra Family Cruise that happens, I'm so on that damn boat! This is my damn family, too.

Goodbye Norma Jean

2010-12-28T23:48:00.000-08:00

My grandmother passed away in her sleep last night. My aunt called at 9:45am to tell me. I've been in a fog ever since.

Grandma's been sick for a long time and for the last 2 months she's barely eaten and stopped all meds except for pain. She had dimentia come on pretty fast. I think it may have been accelerated by the chemo from her lung cancer treatment, but who knows.

I went to her house after work. My aunt was there, as were my great aunt (Grandma's sister) and a couple cousins. It was weird to be in her house without Grandma there.

She's being creamated. There's no services right now. They're making arrangements to have my grandma's ashes buried with my great-grandma. That's what Grandma wanted - to be with her mother. She didn't actually want to spend the money, but it's what we're doing for her. I'm glad she's going to get what she wants, but I hate that she'll be in Stockton where it'll be harder for any of us to visit.

My grandma was the greatest. I'm not just saying that because she's my only grandma, or because she spoiled me rotten as a child, but because she was a wonderful person. You couldn't not like my grandma once you met her. She was the sweetest, tiniest person ever (seriously, she's like 4'8") and she was beautiful. And funny.

Whenever I eat fried chicken I think of her. Growing up, she made it for us once in a while, but would steal the skin and throw it away. "It's bad for your cholesterol" she always said. I think that's why I love chicken skin so much - to spite her. LOL.

They're going to sell her house. I hate that. I wish I had the money to buy out my aunts and keep it. But it'll help both of my aunts and my mom a lot to sell it and split the money. For my mom, it'll allow her to retire on time since she'll be able to put money towards her house. The mortgage they have now won't allow my mom to retire next year. My aunt Pamela will be able to buy a condo and, hopefully, not have to worry about paying the bills. My aunt Kathleen...well, I'm not sure...I don't know if she still has a mortgage or not..but she's retired and has always been good with money, so she'll do something smart with it. I'm going to miss that house, though. I grew up in it. But it has to be done.

I'm working tomorrow, but then taking the rest of the week off to help out at my grandma's and just be around for my mom and everyone else. I didn't get to see my mom and dad today, but my aunt Pamela said my mom wasn't taking it so well. When I talked to my mom on the phone this morning, she sounded so confused. I don't blame her. I wouldn't know what to do either. But I'll see them on Friday, if not before. I'm going to spend New Year's Eve at their house. I had plans to be with friends, but now I know that's not a good idea. I'd end up getting hammered and either try to sleep with someone or I'd fall apart. Either way I'd kill the party and I don't want to do that to my friends. In fact, I'm trying right now to control myself so I don't answer (or post) an ad on Craigslist for random, anonymous sex. I get really self destructive when I'm depressed.

I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll toss and turn, but I need the comfort of blankets and pillows. I really wish I had someone to cuddle me, though. That'd be nice.

Death is a part of life. It's a sucky, sucky part of life.

I wish I had given her great-grandbabies. She would have loved that.

Getting to know you..err...me..

2010-12-21T21:17:00.001-08:00

The more days that pass since learning about the truth of my Papa's death, the more I actually seem to understand myself.

He was depressed and an addict.

I'm depressed and an addict of a different kind. I don't do drugs, but I sleep around and I eat lots and lots of food.

Depression is genetic. One of my aunts was an addict and she takes antidepressants and has for years. My dad's sister was depressed and killed herself as well (though I know that she was also molested, and I'm sure the two are not mutually exclusive).

I feel so much less alone for knowing these things. As isolated as I felt 3 days ago, I have done an almost complete 180 since then.

I almost feel a sense of freedom with this knowledge. The shock was a burden for sure, but I don't feel weight pushing down on my shoulders quite like it did before.

When I get my new medical cards next month (for Kaiser - ugh!), I'm going to find a primary care physician and get on some meds. 3 people in my family have taken their own lives (that I know of) and I don't want to be the 4th. I'm not dumb. I feel good now, but something else will happen and send me very close to the edge. I need a little insurance that will keep me safe.

::deep breaths::

2010-12-19T23:25:00.000-08:00

I've calmed down a lot since yesterday. I'm still very hurt and angry at my parents, but I'm not depressed and suicidal. I was really distraught yesterday.

is right - finding out that information doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change much now I think of my parents either. I already knew they were liars. I think part of me was also hurt because the image I had in my head of my grandfather was shattered.

But finding out about his death and his life, it made me realize why I am the way I am (with depression) and how my aunt came to be a drug user herself. And maybe why my dad has always said that suicide is not a way out. And why my dad is so against drugs.

I think I was also just upset because it's yet more lies that are piled on top of other lies and I'm sick and tired of them not telling me the truths about things.

I do plan on confronting them. Perhaps not next week at Christmas, but another time. I think I deserve some honest answers.

Sorry if I freaked anyone out last night. A good night's sleep and some retail therapy did me some good.

Lies Lies Lies

2010-12-18T21:41:00.001-08:00

I went to my grandma's house to visit with her and my aunt today. Mostly visit with my aunt since I knew that my grandma would be mostly out of it. And she was. She's at home for "comfort care". She's home to die. She's on pain meds (morphine) and anti-anxiety drugs (because the morphine kinda makes her loopy and crazy). It's sad to see her so small and fragile (she weighs probably 95 pounds - I lifted her a few times today and she was easy to lift), but I was surprised to find that I wasn't as upset as I'd expected.

My aunt's friend was there for a while, but after about 3pm, I was there with my aunt, just talking and caring for my grandma. In talking with my aunt, I discovered a few things about my family that I never knew. The most shocking thing was finding out that my Papa, my grandfather, didn't die of diabetes complications as I had been told. He shot himself in the head in my grandmother's basement. The second that came out of my aunt's mouth, I had to walk away. I lost it. My mom told me a blatant lie about how he died. At some point, she did say something that contradicted it, so I knew she hadn't told me the truth about it, but to find out that he took his own life put me in a state of shock. I'm still in shock, 2 hours later.

I also found out that he was a heroin junkie.

And that my other aunt had been married, too...to a junkie.

And my grandmother had a second husband who was also a junkie and died from an overdose.

I also got confirmation that my mother had been married before my dad and got divorced because he cheated on her. He had been her high school sweetheart. She'd had a big church wedding and my aunts were her bridesmaids.

I am so angry at my parents for lying to me about everything my whole life. And not just lying, but for acting like life didn't exist before they got together. Did you know that I don't even know my dad's siblings' names? I didn't know I had an uncle until he came here 5 or 6 years ago for the first time (he grew up in Germany). I didn't know I had an older sister until I was 10 and she was 18 and she came to live with us for a couple months.

I have a photo on my refrigerator of my great-grandmother Lupe with her husband, my great-grandfather, and I don't even know his name! (Though now I have proof that I'm part Filipino).

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea who my parents are. Or where I come from.

And now I'm questioning ever finding a husband and having kids. Why would I want to bring someone into a family that lies? Why do I want to be in this family? What the fuck?

I don't know my ass from my elbow right now as I type this.

I want to confront my parents, but don't exactly know how. The next time I see them will be Christmas but at this point, I don't even want to see them at all. I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry. And it took all my strength not to drive myself into a brick wall or a tree on my way home. I'm doing my best not to grab the scissors that are across the room from me and cut the shit out of myself.

So as a distraction, I've put on Eclipse and will do my best to keep distractions going by catching up on FB and my blogs. But I honestly don't know how well that's going to work.

I'm just at a loss. I'm distraught. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. And numb. All at the same time.

Why does everyone I care about lie to me?

The beginning of the end.

2010-12-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

I received a Facebook Message from my aunt today about my grandma.

My grandma was put in assisted living because of her dimentia. My Aunt Pamela wasn't capable of taking care of her at home alone anymore. This was 2 months ago. Well, today they brought her home and are bringing in hospice nurses. There's a possibility my grandmother won't live to see 2011. She's refusing meds for her dimentia and her lung cancer (yes, it's back).

I'm not prepared to deal with this. I've been in denial for a long time. I didn't want to believe that I could lose her. I wanted to believe she'd live forever. I wanted my own kids to know her. And now that's all going away. I have no choice but to face it.

I've decided to go visit tomorrow and help my Aunt Pamela out. My other aunt, Kathleen, will be out of town for the weekend (my cousin is coming home from NY for Christmas), so Pamela could use all the help she can get.

This is going to be a horrible Christmas season.

If you're of the praying kind, please pray that she goes peacefully.

Long time no see!

2010-12-02T20:03:00.001-08:00

I still don't have internet at my house, so I'm still way behind on everyone's news. I just haven't really had the time or want to set it up yet. I think I'm finally going to AT&T on Sunday to see about getting it set up.

Anyway, life in the new place is pretty awesome. Palo Alto is a beautiful town. The downtown area reminds me so much of Berkeley. The trees change color here! It's been a long time since I've seen that. Even in Antioch, we had evergreens or Palms or something that didn't reflect the changing of the seasons. I am taken aback everyday I go to the bank and drive down the streets lined in yellow, orange, and red trees.

Living alone is nice. My apartment is just 1 bedroom, but I like it that way. There's not as much room to get messy. LOL. Although I do still have about 6 or 7 boxes in my dining area that need to be unpacked. I do have my Christmas decorations up, though! I've got priorities, man! LOL.

Mostly I've been connected to the outside world via Twitter. Occasionally I'm able to get online at Starbucks (like now), or at my parents house, but both are few and far between. In fact, I think this is only the 3rd time I've been online to check email and stuff since I moved down on the 20th of November. It's kind of nice not to be so attached, to be quite honest. LOL.

I've been trying to explore here and there. I found Walmart and Target. I also found a tiny Safeway a couple miles away as well as 2 Trader Joe's. I do have a Mi Puebla grocery store just down the street. I need to go in there and see what Mexican goodies I can find. =o) I'm not too far from Stanford, so I can easily find my way to mix and mingle with the college students. I ran into some 2 nights ago while trying to find a take out place to get dinner. I could definitely pick up a college man while I live here. ;o) I guess that probably makes me a cougar. LOL. Oh well. ;o)

Even when I get my internet access at home, I'm still going to make an effort to get out so I can attempt to make a friend of some kind. Hopefully that won't be too hard. People out here seem really nice. I like that. I'm tired of mean people. LOL.

I'm also looking for a church. It looks like I'll be having Sundays and Mondays as my regular days off, so that'll make it easy for me to go to Sunday Services. A friend of a friend lives one town over and I've asked her advice and help. She's very spiritual and religious, so I'm sure she'll have some insight. I can't really explain my need to find church, but it's there and I need to do it. The good thing is that there are about 15 churches in Downtown Palo Alto. LOL. I think I've found one I liked (online research) and need to work up the courage to go on Sunday. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway...I've been here over an hour now and need to get home and have some dinner. Hope you're all doing well! I'll catch up with you all very soon.

Teenage Dream

2010-11-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

I am so far behind with blog reading. I moved into my parents house on October 9t or 10th, I think, and moved into my new apartment last weekend. I haven't had much internet time and don't even have a connection at my new house yet. I have to get DirectTV for my cable and have to get a separate phone/internet account. I haven't had time to do that yet. When I get back online at home, I'll get you a full update. The last 5 weeks have been an adventure to say the least. Hope you are all well. I'll catch up when I can.

Fatty Fatty 2 by 4

2010-10-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

So I intended to give blood at the American Red Cross today, but was turned away because my blood pressure was too high. The first time the nurse took it, she got something like 200/115. The 2nd time she got 182/110. The 3rd and 4th time, she got 162/108. Their limit is 180/100 and you have to be under both to give. I couldn't get there.

I quit smoking in June or July and assumed that would lower my BP because it always has in the past. I don't know what's different now, but I am so not happy.

I walked out of the Red Cross office and had to do the walk of shame in front of about 5 other people waiting to donate. I was so emberassed and so depressed. I still want to cry now, almost 12 hours later.

I think I've decided that when I move into my new place, I'm going to go vegetarian and eventually vegan. This is my last ditch effort to change my ways before I find a doctor to get some kind of bariatric surgery. I don't want to end up on a myriad of pills by the time I'm 40. I also don't want to look like my mother in 30 years. I know it's not going to be easy by any means. I freakin love meat and chicken, but if I make myself go vegetarian/vegan, I'll force myself to stop using convenience foods as a crutch. I'll stop looking at vegetables as an option. And going vegan will force me to cut out most junk food, too.

I just can't live like this anymore.

Edited to add: BTW, this has nothing to do with my physical appearance. Frankly, I think I look good. I'm always told I look good and even got told I was beautiful by a perfect stranger this morning. I don't need to lose weight to look good, I need to lose weight so I can live to 100 and continue tormenting people, making more enemies, and loving my friends. ;o)

Home is where the heart is

2010-10-12T23:11:00.000-07:00

and currently my heart resides in Concord. In my mom's craft room.

Technically I am homeless as I do not have a permanent address. Thankfully my parents are freakin awesome and are taking me in for a month until I start work at my new store.

Yes, I said new store! I got promoted and will be the resident Property Manager down in Palo Alto. Know who my neighbors are? Stanford and NASA!! Both are within about 5 miles from my store. When I'm down there, I feel my IQ getting higher. LOL. I told my dad that I'm going to hang out in libraries and meet someone smart. LOL

Currently all my stuff resides in a 10x20 storage unit at my new facility. It's weird to think my entire life is packed in boxes and is sitting in, essentially, a garage. I officially take that store in about a month. I'm staying with my current district and store until my DM hires and trains someone new. The sooner the better! LOL. But for now, I'll be sleeping on an air mattress in my mom's craft room and eating homemade food and saving a bunch of money on gas.

For those wondering why I had to move in with my parents this month - Jenn got her other job. She gave me notice last Wednesday and Saturday was the ONLY day I could move before her last day which is this coming Friday. It wasn't very much notice, but oh well, things worked out since I got my new job offer the same day. Plus my mom's been wanting me to hang around more often and now she doesn't have a choice! LOL.

I spent last Thursday and Friday packing, setting up my storage unit, and moving (moving with my dad's help. He's the bomb!!). I'm so freakin exhausted, it's ridiculous (STILL! 3 days later! lol). I do have to go back to the old apartment and clean up a few last things. That'll get done on Thursday, when I have a day off again.

Anyway..that's the newest from me! Hopefully I don't kill my mother at any point over the next month. LOL.

A soldier's coming home

2010-10-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

I just had to share this...

On my way home from work today, high on the SF Giants win over the SD Padres and listening to the game review on KNBR 680, I saw oe of those open-backed Army Jeeps driving along. In the back, facing me (behind them, but one lane to the left) were 5 armed soldiers. I noticed the tiny turn signal blinking and slowed to allow room for the Jeep to move over once the car ahead of me pulled away. When the space was big enough, I pointed to the left, signalling to the Jeep driver that he could pull into my lane. Once they got over, all 5 guys in the back of the Jeep waved at me in thanks. It was really kind of awesome.

When I first saw that Jeep, I was really kind of scared. I was thinking "What did I miss while listening to the baseball game?!?!?!" I have no idea, still, what it was or why they were driving around armed and in full fatigues, but I was glad I was paying attention and let those boys through. They made the rest of my day. =o)

How long will I be picking up the pieces

2010-09-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

Finally updating on my Awesome-tastic Wednesday!!

My friend Amy and I had tickets to the Pick Up The Phone tour featuring Blue October. Blue October is one of my favorite bands and I've been eagerly waiting for them to come to San Francisco. I'm pretty sure I bought my tickets the second they went on sale. LOL.

While Blue October was in town, they did a short acoustic set at Crissy Field for Please Don't Jump. This group was created to help save a San Francisco resident who sent in an anonymous postcard to Postsecret threatening to throw themself off the Golden Gate Bridge this summer.

At this event, there were speakers from the Suicide Hotline as well as family members of 2 people who took their lives jumping from the bridge and a bridge jumping survivor. He jumped from the bridge 10 years ago today and is grateful to be alive and is working towards building a suicide barrier to prevent anyone else from joining the list of 1500 known jumpers who have died.

Here's one of the songs they sang. Should Be Loved.

It was a very beautiful event. We were invited to sign the banner.

After this event, Amy and I killed some time by hanging out in Crissy Field since it was a gorgeous day, then headed downtown for lunch at Max's Opera Cafe and get in line for the 7pm concert (which ended up being at 8, but whatever). We got really great spots in the venue. We were at The Regency Ballroom. There's no handicap seating (Amy's in a wheelchair), but we got there early enough to get a spot in the front row at the left side of the stage. We were OK there for a while, but this ignorant girl standing in front of Amy kept backing into Amy and accusing Amy of ramming her in the ankles. I almost punched the bitch out. If I hadn't been so excited to see Blue October, I would have. She was so damn rude, I couldn't believe it.

The concert was awesome!! The energy was amazing. Justin Furstenfeld is one of the best performers I've ever seen. He and Jared Leto take the cake. They live their lyrics, but Justin really takes it to a whole new level. He writes everything that he feels. A lot of it is real dark and most of Blue October's fans are people who have experienced a lot of those dark feelings and thoughts he's had. This is the second time I've seen them live and was just as amazed and blown away as the first.

Me and Amy

Justin (we were SUPER close!!!)

Here's my video of "18th Floor Balcony". This is one of my favorite songs of theirs.

After the concert, we waited around back to see if we could maybe get an autograph.....WE DID!! And got pics with Justin!!

He squished his face on my face!!!! OMG! I had my arm around his sweaty back and his was around mine. OMG. Swooooooon!!!!

After that epic day, I have been on a serious awesome letdown. LOL. I don't know how any other show will top this day.

If you want to see the entire day in pictures, click here.

Oopsie Doodle

2010-09-21T22:15:00.001-07:00

I wrote these blogs a few days ago and never posted them here. LOL. Here's what's new with me:

Friday 9/17
My allergies are kicking my rear end! I never had allergies growing up. I guess living in Daly City and San Francisco didn't allow much pollen in my life. Living in the East Bay Area has introduced a whole new world to me. LOL. My allergies have been steadily getting worse and worse and this latest change in seasons is killing me. I don't know if this is anything you could ever get used to. I'm trying a new allergy medicine to see if that helps. It's a melt-away tablet that's just the generic Target brand, but we'll see how that works out. In the mean time I have to deal with daily sinus headaches...just when I quit smoking, lower my blood pressure and get rid of my weekly migraines. Oh joy! LOL

As far as moving in with my parents goes: It's not going to happen. My parents agree that we're going to hold that off as long as possible...until it becomes a "have to" situation. In the mean time, I have somehow found extra money to give my parents, so that's a good thing!

Now, with work: I'm still at my non-residential facility, but should be talking to a district manager next week about a couple stores he's got open that have apartments. I'll have to stay at my current store for about another month so we can get someone trained to take it from me (we're short handed, so I can't leave yet regardless if I get the job or not). So please cross your fingers for me that I get this new store! I'm so sick of commuting to work. I'm living in limbo again and want to be settled. The stores that are available are in Palo Alto and Mountain View which are in the southern peninsula area of the bay. I haven't lived in the 650 area code in almost 7 years. It's gonna be weird! LOL.

Tonight I have tickets to see Paramore in San Jose. My friend that was going with me (and bought the tickets as a birthday present to me) is having some medical issues and can't make it tonight. I need someone to go with me. I'm trying to prepare myself to go it alone, but I don't do anything alone, so it's gonna be rough. lol. Any of you want to go? ;o)

So that's what's new with me. I gotta update more. I keep meaning to, but then I put it off until it's too late at night and I want to go to bed. LOL.

Sunday 9/19
So I never did get anyone to take my extra ticket for the Paramore concert...I went by myself. I was really amazed at myself. Before I left my house to drop my stuff off at my parents house, I just decided I was gonna go. That was it. I was going and I'm not second guessing it. So I drove to Concord, dropped my bags off at my parents house, jumped back in my truck and drove to San Jose.

Of course I got lost on the way down. LOL. Sort of. I took my exit in the wrong direction, then I passed up the parking lot and had to make a u-turn. LOL. Oh well. I got there and it wasn't as uncomfortable as I'd feared being there alone. I had a good time. I was actually really kind of glad I ended up alone if I wasn't with Amy because I know the other 2 people that might have taken the ticket would have brought my good time down. Both of those people are kind of snarky (one WAY more so than the other) and would have just annoyed me all night. At least I can keep my comments to myself.

I don't do things like that alone. I've gone to county fairs, movies, the drive in, baseball games, and restaurants alone, but stuff like concerts are a little more of a social thing and I was always really self conscious about going alone. I didn't want to be that lame girl that didn't have any friends. But you know what I realized? I missed out on A LOT of shows because I didn't have anyone to go with me and that sucks. So from now on, I'm not going to be a chicken. I'm just going to buy my ticket and go! Screw everyone else! LOL

Anyway..thanks to those of you on FB and twitter that encouraged me to just go! You guys rock!

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

2010-08-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

While having dinner with my family last week, my dad told me he needs to get a part time job to help pay the bills.

Last June, when Chrysler started closing down stores, my dad's GM jumped the gun and laid a bunch of people off including my dad. Luckily my dad found a new job in just 5 weeks, but his new job pays about 40% less than what he was making. Now if my parents were still in their house in Daly City, the rental, this wouldn't really be an issue, but the mortgage on their current home, the one they bought in January 2008, is twice the rent on the Daly City house.

I can't stand the thought of my dad, at 58, having to get a second job because he's getting screwed by his new employer. My dad's current job pays on commission and business sucks, so he's not making enough money, nor is he making even remotely what he deserves. Luckily his employer is changing hands and the new owner is going to make some changes that benefit everyone, but for now, my dad needs to find an additional source of income.

Now, my brother lives there and pays them about $350 a month. I am now finally able to start paying for the truck, so I'm giving my dad $250 a month. Unfortunately my bills are kind of high right now (and I make shit money), so $250 is all I can afford to send right now. But on my way home today, I actually saw my dad on the freeway and we waved as we passed each other. Seeing him made me start thinking about all this stuff and wondering how I can really help more.

The plan I came up with is this: turn off my cable at Jenn's place, box up my stuff, store it here while she still works here, and move in with my parents so I can give them more money (and convince them to get more money from my brother since he can more than afford it). The only bump in the road is my cats. My mom doesn't want my cats there (she keeps offering me a place to stay with them if Jenn gets a new job before I get my own store with an apartment). My mom's not a cat person. If I do this, then I'll have my boss hold off on finding me a resident manager property for a little while and I'll stay at my current store so I can keep the higher pay rate.

Obviously I'd lose a lot of privacy and space, but I think helping my parents is more important than my space. I'm gonna think about this for a couple days, just to be sure I can/want to do this, then approach them with my plan. If they go for it, I'll be able to give them closer to $600 a month (I won't have the cable bill, and my gas expense will be cut in half since they're so much closer to work).

Help. Am I crazy for thinking about moving back home or am I truly doing the right thing? This move also means putting my love life on hold, but it's not really going anywhere anyway, so why not, right? LOL.

I need feedback!!!

I will never be your stepping stone.

2010-08-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

So I finally had to give the new guy the official boot. It's being done as I type this, actually.

So I had met this guy on OKCupid.com a little more than a month ago. He messaged me first (which I usually let happen since I have an extremely high fear of rejection), and we hit it off pretty well. We texted for more than a week before we finally met. We spent the day at Starbucks, and 2 different restaurant/bars having drinks and grub. Literally we spent the day together. From noon until midnight. I also broke a huge rule for myself and slept with him on the first date. That was so stupid.

We hung out again a few days later, but because of his schedule, it wasn't until late in the evening (10pm) and we just watched a couple of cooking shows, then slept together again. That was the last time I've seen him and it was like 4 weeks ago. Since then he's been flaky on hanging out - he never wants to make plans because he "doesn't know what he's doing that day", plus he's also been seeing other people. In short, he didn't make the effort to make time for me. He kept expecting me to be ready at any time to hang out with him.

I'm not one of those people that stays date-ready when I get home from work. If I have no plans, I get into pajamas and settle in for the night. It's a whole mindset, it's not just physical. I don't want to go out again if you text me at 8pm and ask to hang out when I've been home for more than an hour, am not dressed, am probably stuffed and sleepy from dinner, and have to get up and redo my face and hair to go out again. Especially when I have to work the next day.

Last week we had a conversation about how I wasn't interested in him anymore because I want to date someone who actually wants to see me and date me, not just come over in the middle of the night to fuck me. I'm not a booty call. In short, he begged for another chance and I gave it to him. I still haven't seen him. Last night we had the same conversation once again and I agreed to see him tonight (inviting him to my house for dinner and a movie). When I woke up this morning, I realized I had been manipulated into giving him yet another chance and I didn't like that feeling.

So I texted him and told him as such and I was done dating/talking to him. He just told me "OK fine. Go back to your dyke gf." Wow. I dodged yet another bullet there! What a tool! I hurt his pride by dumping him and he insults me for having dated women. HAHAHA How freakin pathetic. (He's now trying to tell me that I wasn't anything special and he's got plenty of women to go to. Duh, dude. That's why you had no time for me. LOL. I know you're seeing other people. Why do you think I made you use condoms??) You ARE the weakest link, goodbye!

I had thought maybe this guy would be different as he found me when I wasn't really looking. Yes, I had that profile up on OKCupid.com, but I wasn't using it. I hadn't in a couple months. You know what they say about what happens when you stop looking for love, right? Yeah, I thought that's what this was. Boy was I wrong. LOL

I'm not upset in the least bit, actually. I'm not even really disappointed, per se. I am just chalking it up to being something that was meant to happen (having slept with him lead me to seek out birth control which got me to stop smoking!! My blood pressure was way too high for me to be on the pill, so I quit smoking and I can already feel that my BP is more normal.). Plus, considering I don't know where I'll be living in 2 months time, it's probably best that I don't get involved with anyone so that no one gets hurt when I move. Honestly, don't know if I'll stay in the tri-county area or if I'll be sent to a facility 4+ hours from home.

Anyway..that's the current dating situation. Once again, I tried, but it's nothing special. LOL

News - PIC: Shiloh, 4, Frolics in the Pool - Style & Beauty - UsMagazine.com

2010-08-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

News - PIC: Shiloh, 4, Frolics in the Pool - Style & Beauty - UsMagazine.com

Theres all this controversy surrounding Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt allowing their 4 year old daughter to dress like a boy. Who cares? The only thing I see or think when this is brought up is that this child is being allowed to live without being told who to be or how to act. This child is being allowed to live how she feels inside. If she thinks she's a boy, then good for her. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe it's not and she's actually a transsexual. At 4 years old there's no real way to tell, but who are we to judge? I applaud Angelina and Brad for allowing their children to express themselves the way they want and grow up to be the people they are meant to be, not who mom & dad want them to be!

Ugh!

2010-07-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

I think I'm just destined to have bad luck with dating.

So I've been talking to someone for a couple weeks now. We met after a week of talking, spent like 12 hours together, had a good time, but I did take him home. That was so stupid and I knew at the time it would be, but I did it anyway. I really expected him not to talk to me again, but he did. I had him over at my house a couple days later. We watched TV and slept together again.

Since then, he continues to talk to me, but it feels strained. It feels like he's too busy to talk to me or to hang out with me. In fact, I asked him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow afternoon since I've been dealing with a migraine today and wouldn't make very good company tonight. He said "Maybe. Dunno what I'm doing tomorrow." And that he wasn't available Friday because he would be getting his son for the weekend starting mid-day. So I asked why we couldn't make plans for tomorrow since he wouldn't be available for several days after that, and his response was "Well I have to work n dunno when I'll be done. Not sure what I'll have to do after that."

Am I wrong, or does that feel like the brush off? I already called him out on the brushing off yesterday because he only ever asks to hang out after dinner time and when I mention that I'm off on a particular day he still doesn't seem to get the hint that I'm telling him I'm off so we can make some sort of plans to hang out.

He's already stated that sometimes he can be kind of oblivious to things like that and doesn't take subtle hinting very well, but, to be honest, either he's REALLY dense or he just doesn't give a fuck if I'm around or not.

I'm so ready to just give up. I don't chase men. That's not my job.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

But my vicodin is kicking in, so I'm gonna head to bed. But first, maybe a piece of cake. LOL

Umm...what?

2010-07-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

Haven't done one of these in quite a while....

Here's my WTF video of the year!

Ouch, my freakin head...

2010-07-14T12:22:00.001-07:00

So I've been suffering with periodic migraines for several years now. They used to be very infrequent - like once a year. Last year, I think, they started coming about once a month. Over the last couple of months they've been coming once a week. Today marks 2 days in a row. Usually these migraines are worse right before and during my period, so I'm thinking my hormones have a big influence on triggering them. I've actually thought this for a while, but, as per usual, did nothing about it.

This morning I finally made an appointment with Planned Parenthood so I can get my girlie bits checked out and get BC pills. I haven't had this kind of appointment in probably 5 years. I'm thinking it's time. I usually go 3 - 4 years in between appointments anyway. LOL. I'm thinking the BC pills will help with my headaches. I always get the low estrogen onces because they help get rid of my cramps, too. Once my insurance kicks in (in about 4 more months), I'll make an appointment with a regular doctor and get my head checked out. It's not normal that my eyeballs want to jump out of their sockets once a week.

I'm so over these damn headaches. I probably need Imitrex. I'm also going to see if I can get a referral to an ENT and find out if I really do have allergies because some of my migraines stem from sinus headaches. I don't want to be a pill popper now, though. I hate taking pills and always forget (hence the reason I'm never on BC pills LOL)

Or maybe it's just a tumor.

Farther Down

2010-07-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

It's so hard for me to post a lot of the time because I hate to be so whiney all the time. For the most part things are going well for me. I don't have much to complain about, but we all know I just love to complain. LOL

Work is going OK. I'm having a rough month so far with business, but there's not much I can control about it. Granted, the "suits" would disagree, but I'm the one who actually works in the store and knows what goes on. I'm dealing. I'm having a little stress that's causing me sleep issues (work stress causes insomnia), but I'm really working on leaving work at the office.

Home life is OK. Jenn's still looking for another job, but isn't having much luck. I feel bad for her cuz I know how much the company sucks. She and I are getting along much better, too. We have a normal friendship now, I think. LOL. We were dysfunctional for so long, in our friendship and with our relationship, that I didn't think we'd ever get to this point. It's nice.

Now my love life is something to complain about. LOL. The latest guy, the friend, is out of the picture. I'm not really surprised, to be honest. I don't expect any one to stick around for long. I did have hope, though, that since we already knew each other and had mutual friends, he wouldn't screw me over. Well, he didn't screw me over...he just screwed me and decided that's all he wanted and walked. This is why I've decided that I'm no longer giving away the milk for free. The next person that wants in my pants is gonna have to buy the damn cow. I'm just so tired of allowing myself to be treated this way. I'm so much better than that and I deserve better.

Physically I hurt! LOL. My leg muscles have been crampy lately and I'm not sure why. Mostly, though, over the last 2 days, my right shoulder and upper back have been hurting like a bitch. I need a full body massage - any volunteers??

That's it for the time being. Hope that wasn't too whiney. LOL.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...more of them!

2010-06-16T23:25:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow I officially become a Property Manager with P.ublic S.torage. Woohoo! I got the offer last week, but it actually starts tomorrow. It's not a residential property, so I'm not moving yet, but this gives me the chance to really prove my worth with the company and to my managers. I'm excited. =o)

Also changing...today I dyed my hair blonde. Well, my friend Jeffrey did. He runs the Haus of Vanity from his salon in his home. I think my hair is awesome. He also gave me a sassy new cut. =o) Check it out!

This is the before:

I am very excited. It's a very nice change from what I've been used to. It's my fun summer hair. LOL.

Anyway..That's all that's new from me for now. Whatcha think? ;o)

What's going on?

2010-05-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I don't have a desktop PC right now and typing on this little Acer is not the easiest when I've got acrylic nails. LOL. Let's just say the "Backspace" key is my best friend right now. LOL

Work has been going well...if you don't count all the stupid mistakes I've been making. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a whole lot and I've only really made one major screw up, but I still feel dumb because of it. I honestly was wondering yesterday if I made the right decision to go back. I know I haven't done storage in a year and a half and I should give myself a break, but I can't help but beat myself up. I used to be an awesome manager and really knew my stuff, but now I feel like such a newbie and I hate it. I know I'll get past it, but until that happens, I'm going to continue feeling this way.

I did make the decision to stop being so damn cocky, though. LOL. Obviously it's not working to my advantage. I also brought home some homework to help retrain my brain and memorize scripts and policies. Hopefully it works because I am not having fun being babysat at work.

In other news, I got the bright idea to become a nurse or medical assistant of some kind. Of course, this means school and I hate school. Maybe dental assisting. That's something I can just go for without GE college classes, right? I dunno. I think I just want an excuse to wear scrubs everyday. LOL. I'm gonna wait to figure that out until I get my own store. I can't handle school with all this commuting going on right now.

I turn 31 in 12 days and have no children, not husband/boyfriend/partner. This is not where my life is supposed to be. I really feel my youth slip away and my chances of having my own children getting slimmer and slimmer. I know, I know, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but that's OK, because if I didn't, no one would. Ok, OK, I'll stop. LOL It's just that having kids is very important to me and I'm just losing confidence in ever having any. I am trying to just take things day by day and see where life takes me and hope and pray I'm headed toward a husband and family. ;o)

Anyway...I'm headed out to the A's/Mariner's game tonight with my friend Daphne. She had a spare ticket and asked if I wanted it. Woohoo! My first baseball game of the season. I'm super excited! Of course I'm a SF Giants girl, but I'll root for the A's if I'm at their game. LOL. Just don't ever ask me to root for the Yankees! haha!

Ooh! And I went to the most awesome concert last week! I saw 30 Seconds to Mars at the Fox Theater in Oakland with my friends Amy and Rania. I thought Blue October and NKOTB put on good shows, but this was flippin awesome! I love Jared Leto. At one point I was just 8 feet from him. OMG, he is such a beautiful man!

It was during this part that I was so close...about 5 feet or so behind the person who taped this. If you have time, go through the rest of the videos posted from them. Awesomeness!!

The next show I'm going to with Amy is to see Stix at the Concord Pavillion next week. Not one of my faves, but it's an excuse to hang out with Amy. She's been a good friend and is one of the mothers to my 3 year old twin nieces. Amy's so funny at concerts. She's got cerebral palsy and is in a chair and totally uses it to her advantage to get great seating and special treatment. Plus she's a total flirt and cons stuff out of people. LOL.

Well, that's about it for now...I'll try not to stay away for so long next time. ;o)

It's just not working

2010-04-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I drag things out longer than they need to go on. I know that things with this new guy aren't going to work, but I try anyway. I don't know where the optimism comes from, but part of me is trying to see the bright side of things.

While in the shower a few minutes ago, I started writing this post in my head. I want to explain that I'm not trying to be difficult when it comes to dating. I'm not trying to break hearts. I'm certainly not just trying to get laid. The reason I keep meeting someone new is because I'm looking for that person who takes the air out of my lungs when I first lay eyes on them. I've been in love with 4 people (3 men, 1 woman), and this happened each time I met these people.

With Austin, I was 14 and met him at a school dance. I knew I needed to be with him. With Angel, we didn't even really "know" each other yet, but we met at a bar/restaurant at an LJ Meetup and you could cut the tension with a knife (and I don't think we ever even spoke a word to each other the entire night). With Matt, I met him at work (he was an assistant manager, like me) and I knew there was something about him that made me want to get close to him. With Kraig, the second I laid eyes on him, it was all over. With him, I knew it was definite love at first sight. With the others, it was "in-like" at first sight, but it didn't take long for me to fall in love.

I'm waiting for that to happen again and I honestly feel that I'm wasting my time trying to make something work when I don't have those feelings. I nit-pick and let things bother me more than they should, but that's because I'm trying to make myself like someone that I don't think I could love. And when I do fall in love, all that stupid shit doesn't bother me. LOL I look past it because of the blindness love creates.

I want to be blind. I want to let go of the little shit because I love someone so much that it honestly doesn't matter and/or becomes endearing and cute.

I realize that this is a lot to ask, but, to be completely honest, I'd much rather be alone than in a mediocre or unsatisfying relationship.

Your Neighborhood Storage Expert

2010-04-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

So I got a job with P.ubli.c S.torag.e. Not the one I wanted, but I got in. I'll be a "Relief Manager", which is an assistant manager for the district. I'll work where I'm needed until there's a store opening. It's a foot in the door that I'm glad to have.

For the time being, I'll still keep my job with Bath & Body Works and work both part time (the PS job will be at minimum 4 days, hopefully 5), and continue to live on Jenn's storage property.

I did meet someone and went on a couple of dates. So far it's gone well. At the moment, I'm doing the usual freak out after getting a bit intimate, but he's being understanding and I'm doing my best to control the freak out. Normally I start nit-picking and let everything annoy me, but I'm working on it. He's a really good guy and someone definitely worthy of me....at least that I've seen so far. LOL. Time will tell. ;o) But I don't think that there's anything that we've disagreed upon so far. That's really nice. LOL. I'll keep you updated. ;o)

Have a space problem?

2010-04-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

So I have an interview Friday morning with a district manager at Public Storage. He's the latest DM for the same district I was a part of when I worked for PS 3 years ago. I think it's a definite advantage that I've worked in 2 of his stores already. I don't have the truck just yet (there's a delay in getting the smog done on Dad's new car), but Dad told me he's going to get me the truck Thursday night regardless if he has his new car or not so I can get to my interview.

Yay! I'm so excited!! =o)

It's been a while...

2010-03-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't updated in a long time. Oops. LOL.

Well, right now I've got a few things up in the air regarding employment. I've interviewed at Vans for a position there. I want the Assistant Manager position that they're going to make available soon, but the District Manager doesn't think I'm qualified because I don't have retail management experience. I think that's BS because I've got 3 years experience as a Store Manager of storage facilities and training and managing staff. Whatever.

I did get a call from an old supervisor who says he's going to ask around and help me find something. If I don't hear back from him by Thursday, I'm giving him a call again. It's for a very large storage company I used to work for, so I just have to hold out and possibly relocate, but that's OK with me...but sooner is better.

On the vehicle front, my dad just bought a car today from the dealer he works for and is selling me his truck. Woo hoo!! I've wanted to buy his truck from him for a long time, so this is so awesome for me! It's also a double bonus because I get to make payments to him on a vehicle I know is reliable. Yay!

In other news, Jenn's moving out on Sunday and I'll have this place to myself. She's still applying like crazy to other companies, so who knows when she'll find something else, hence the reason I need that storage job to come through fast. lol.

So some good news, some wait-and-see news, but all in all, things are going pretty well right now. =o)

Oh yeah...I chopped about 4" off my hair today. I've been growing it out for years and it was at my bra line finally, but now it's just below my shoulders. I couldn't handle it! LOL.

And...that's about it. LOL.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

2010-02-17T23:26:00.000-08:00

And for that reason, I'll never know why I didn't get that job with the storage company. I got an email today telling me that "there are no manager positions available" for me to take but they will old onto my resume "just in case anything else comes up."

So one of two things happened here: 1) They realized just how overqualified I am and know that I would be asking for more pay before too long; or 2) Someone they talked to about me gave me a bad review and made me look bad.

Whatever. I guess it's back to the drawing board. I still have resumes out and pending, but I've gotten no call-backs from any of them as of yet.

It's looking more and more like I'm going to be forced into moving in with my parents. That's just so awesome - a 30-year-old woman having to move back home with Mommy and Daddy. That's going to work great for my dating life.

FML

Interviews suck, but I rocked this one.

2010-02-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

At 1pm today, I had a phone interview with the Director of Operations for a storage company in Las Vegas. It went extremely well. I really asserted myself and showcased my skills as a manager in order to get a resident manager position with the company instead of just a relief manager position. The DOO really liked me and is going to see what he can do to put me directly into a store. Luckily 2 resident managers just gave notice to quit, so that helps me greatly.

I think this was one of the best interviews I've ever had. Having it over the phone (and being dressed in pajamas) was awesome because there was no intimidation factor. I was able to get out what I needed to say and not get flustered.

I'm not too jazzed about the hourly pay rate, but there does seem to be a great bonus program that will help off-set it.

Worst case scenario, if I can't get directly into a store right away, I may accept a relief position on a short term basis (a month or 2 tops) before moving into a resident manager position. If that's the case, I'm begging my friend Joyce to live with her until I get my place. :::doe eyes::: Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

Best case scenario, I get in there at the beginning of March and get a resident manager position right away and don't have to put anyone out.

I do still need to get a car and since I'd have to pay to move myself there (they don't pay to relocate), I'll only have about $500 to spend (moving is going to cost about $500). I'll probably have to ask my dad for some money, but I'll be able to pay him back with my first couple of paychecks.

In any case, it really looks like I'll be a Las Vegas resident by April. Yay! =o)

Cross your fingers for me!!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2010-02-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

So here's what's going on with me:

I have 2 months to find a new place to live. Jenn informed me last Sunday that she's going to be quitting her job and moving in with Shauna and Cole in April (when their current lease is up). This leaves me homeless.

I'm currently trying to find another storage job, but I haven't heard anything yet. I think I sent out 8 - 10 resumes last week to jobs here in CA (as far south as San Diego), Oregon, Nevada (Vegas), and Washington state. I don't even have a car right now and that's going to hinder my job search.

If I don't find something before April 1st, I'm going to have to put my stuff in storage and sleep on my parents couch until I figure out what I can do. At least my boss is doing her best to help keep me in a job no matter what happens. Tomorrow I interview with a manager at a different store so I can move into a permanent Customer Sales Lead position somewhere within the company. At least this way, even if I have to move in with my parents, I can still have some kind of income.

I'm still worried, though. I know I have 2 months, but this first week has already gone by so quickly. I probably wouldn't be as worried if I didn't have my cats to take care of. I can't give them up. I refuse. They are my life and I can't imagine giving them away. I've had Bubba since he was about 3 weeks old. I've only had Peanut for 3 years, but she's already gone through several homes and she's just the sweetest little cat and I can't imagine rehoming her again.

I'm even willing to relocate to another state to find a job! I don't want that to happen, really, but I have to go where the jobs are.

I got my W2 today and Jenn did a rough draft of my taxes. It looks like I'm getting about $1000 total back and that's pretty much all going to go to buying me a car. It's not going to be a pretty car, but it'll be a car that'll get me from Point A to Point B. It's just going to be something so I can say that I have reliable transportation.

I wish I had an "in" somewhere. Unfortunately I don't really know anyone in the storage business anymore.

Ugh! This sucks! I've started smoking again because of the stress. Not very much, but I'm still smoking.

I don't hold any animosity towards Jenn at all. I was working towards this anyway, but now I've got a very short deadline to work with. The only thing that makes me mad is that she knew about this plan for 3 weeks before she told me. Those 3 weeks could have been critical for me. Then again, maybe they're not. Perhaps those 3 weeks won't matter in the long run. I'm just freaking out.

Anyway...this is what's going on with me. If anyone wants to adopt me and my 2 orange kitties, please let me know! We're all housebroken!

Crazy weather we're having!

2010-01-23T14:37:00.000-08:00

So by now I'm sure everyone knows what crazy weather we Californians have been having lately. Last week it snowed in SoCal, the rain hasn't let up in about 10 days, and there have been tornado warnings in the SF Bay Area!! Yesterday or the day before, there was a warning for Santa Clara County (the South Bay), and today, RIGHT NOW, there's a warning for Contra Costa County (the East Bay) near Discovery Bay...that's about 10 miles from my house!

Just a half hour ago, there was a torrential downpour of hail. It lasted almost 10 minutes. By the time it was over, it looked like it had snowed. Here, I'll show you:

There are a few more on Facebook if you have me friended over there.

Seriously, this is insane weather!

The rain and hail has stopped and the sun is even daring to peek out from behind the clouds right now. There are still dark clouds out, so I wouldn't be surprised if it's raining again within the hour.

But, seriously! A tornado warning?!?! We don't even have basements in California, so how are we supposed to hide from a tornado? LOL. Especially those of us who live in upstairs apartments. LOL

Doing some good

2010-01-15T02:23:00.000-08:00

So last week I had decided I was going to do the Susan G Komen 3-Day for the Cure 60-Mile walk.

In the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti and donating what money I could at the moment, I started thinking about who else I could be helping by donating my money and time. I decided that rather than be a fundraiser for myself for the Komen walk, I'll be a volunteer for the cause and donate money to someone who is walking. I decided to also volunteer for the SF AIDS Walk this summer and donate my money to my friend Jimmy should he walk it again (he did it last year and the year before). I'm also going to be looking for ways to donate my time on a weekly or monthly basis since I think my free time could be better appreciated by me helping someone else than sitting on my butt playing around on Facebook.

I'm also committing myself to donate 10% of my income to charity. Currently that's only going to be $100, but every little bit helps, right? I figure I can give up my Starbucks a couple times a week and, instead, give that money to someone who could really use it. As broke as I may feel, there are people out there who are literally starving to death and my $2.65 could go to someone and feed them for a whole week.

Stupid

2010-01-14T01:09:00.001-08:00

For all the lying, conniving, deceiving, horrible things Kraig said and did to me, I do have to commend him for one thing. I've never felt more beautiful or felt such passion from anyone before or after him. Yes, he was a dog. He is a dog. But I know he was in love with me - you always know when someone is in love with you because you can see it in their eyes - and he let me know everyday that he loved me.

I hate that the person who, in the end, treated me the worst made me feel the best of anyone I've ever been with.

That's just another testimony to how badly I can pick them. LOL.

I just don't know

2010-01-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

Can I ask a question?

What's the point in making your own baby food and breastfeeding your child if you're going to turn around and give that same baby a sucker filled with refined sugar and dyes?

I understand people slip when they're trying to feed their children organically and healthily - sometimes you give them a treat of chocolate or a cookie...but a freaking sucker?? That most likely has Red Dye #40 in it?

Yes, I know you can't control what goes into your kids' mouth 100% of the time, but you can't explain away photos of your 8 month old with a sucker in her mouth. And above the sugar and dye you are giving your child, this sucker is on a stick! It's dangerous to give a small child a sucker. That child could fall and that sucker can get shoved right down his or her throat.

I realize that I am not a parent yet, but I think like one. Yes, I know that parents are always very well intentioned but when you're in the moment with a child, you make decisions you never thought you'd make, but giving a small, tiny child a sucker is just a poor decision all around.

Hate me all you want for this opinion, but it's just that - my opinion.

Let's get it on

2010-01-06T23:01:00.000-08:00

Proceed with Caution: This post is about sex and will probably contain a good amount of TMI and cursing.

Over the last few days I have begun to really miss sex. As one of only 2 species on earth, humans have sex for pleasure and I have definitely taken part in a lot of it in my 13 years of being sexually active. I've had long dry spells where I didn't have sex for months. I've had relationships where I had sex almost everyday of the week and even multiple times a day.

Generally, when I'm not in a relationship and not having sex, I don't miss it. However, I'm really missing it right now. LOL. Specifically, though, I'm missing being made love to, I'm not just missing the act of sex. I'm missing that close connection with the person I'm with - that person looking in my eyes while we are pressed together, skin to skin. Missing that person holding me close, gently, kissing me softly.

I guess I miss being loved.

I'm trying to find someone to date and everywhere I look, I would have no problem finding someone to be a fuck buddy or friend with benefits, but that's not what I want.

As huge a dick as he can be, I miss being with Captain Douchebag because he made love to me. Yes, we had a lot of sex, but 90% of it was making love, not just fucking. I miss that. I miss it so badly right now. He made me feel safe and secure even though I outweighed him by 100 pounds. Even though he lied through his teeth and cheated on his girlfriend to be with me, I felt like such a princess with him. Even just being hugged by him, totally unsexual in any way, I felt like there wasn't a care in the world.

I guess this isn't really about sex afterall, is it? Once again, it's just me complaining about how I pick men who love me a whole big bunch, but treat me like shit and I miss them so badly. But this is the thing - I don't miss Captain douchebag. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the passion we had. I miss passion! I miss love! I miss someone loving me! I miss loving someone! I really, honestly feel like I'm never going to have that again.

I keep watching people around me fall in love, get engaged, have babies, have happy lives while I feel like my life is stagnant. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and depression every minute of every day.

Most of the time I feel very good about myself - very confident. It's taken me a lot to get here, but I am here. Physically I feel good, attractive, hot. Yet I still seek approval of men. WTF is that about? Or maybe I'm not seeking approval, maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love? Is that it? I have no idea.

All I know is that I need someone to make me feel good in that physical way right now...and maybe the rest will follow.

Or am I doing that backwards? LOL

Worst Christmas Eve Ever

2009-12-24T23:03:00.001-08:00

I am seriously sitting here in tears because I've had such a sucky day and night.

A manager that I work with have never gotten along and she really pissed me off tonight. She's the most condescending person I've ever known, not to mention one of the laziest people I've ever worked with and today was no exception. I wanted to slap her.

I was already on edge because I'm having to spend the night alone. I've never been alone for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning before. Ever. In my entire life. I was already depressed about that, but I guess it's part of growing up, right? Realizing that you're not as important as you think you are to people. Sure, I could have slept on my parents couch, but which is more lame - being alone at home or sleeping on your mom's couch? Honestly, I chose quiet depression over the alternative that may have been better for my mental state.

And then, a present I was given by another coworker went missing. I'm 99% sure I know who took it, but what am I to do? I just let it go. There was a spare that this coworker had gotten (she counted an extra person by mistake), so I took the extra. They were all the same thing, so it's not like it was something I'm missing by taking the extra gift, but the fact is that mine and the spare were in 2 separate places and should never have been mixed up, for one. Secondly, the person I'm sure took it had a gift of her own, so why would she take that plus the extra?? That's just being greedy and rude.

I seriously feel like people have been out to break me for some time. They've finally succeeded, so congratulations to them.

Now do you see why I hate people?

Dear God,
Make me a bird
so I can fly far
far far away from here.

Double Standards

2009-12-14T17:20:00.000-08:00

Why is it ok to have sex with a fat woman, but it's so not cool to date one?

Why are fat women hidden away in hotel rooms and their own homes? What is so wrong with walking down the street with a Big Beautiful Woman on your arm?

This is the worst part of being single for me - trying to date and only finding men who are willing to sleep with me, but not be seen with me out in public. It's absolutely disgusting and hurtful. It's OK for guys to be fat. Hell, fat guys date skinny women all the time, but God forbid a fat woman wants to date anyone, much less a skinny guy.

It's really exhausting sorting through anyone who dares email me from a dating site, because I don't know what his intentions may be.

Yes, I realize that thinner women may have similar problems, but at least men aren't ashamed to have a woman who wears double-digit sizes sit at their dinner table in a restaurant.

Ugh. In short, dating sucks!

Christmastime

2009-12-01T01:16:00.000-08:00

I love Christmastime. While I say that Halloween is my favorite holiday, Christmastime (starting Black Friday and ending on Christmas day) is my favorite time of year. There's something magical in the air. There's the twinkling lights and dressed up trees. Scarves and knit hats. Mittens. Galoshes (I still need to get me a pair of those!). And, most importantly, Santa.

While I was at work today, I had to fix a window display that I broke last night. LOL. We have large-bulbed Christmas lights in our front windows, framing the marketing behind the glass. As we were walking out of the door last night, I knocked a part of the marketing over and broke a bulb in the string of lights. The entire time I was working on fixing (and eventually replacing) the string, I watched people take their kids to see Santa in our mall.

Santa's photo set up is right outside my store, so I see Santa everyday that I work (since November 1st, or sometime soon after that). Often, he sees me coming down the hall and waves at me. It totally makes my day. I love Santa. I believe in the magic of Santa. And today I witnessed the magic of Santa.

I saw a grown man with special needs go up to Santa, sit on his lap, and talk to him for a good 10 minutes. Not once did I ever see a hint of annoyance or any sort of negativity in Santa's face. Santa was engaged and shared this man's excitement for whatever they were talking about. It very nearly made me a blubbering mess right there in the front window of our store. I'm tearing up just remembering what I saw. It was really the most awesome thing I had seen in quite a long time.

As we enter adolescence, we are encouraged to stop believing in magic and these mythical characters of our childhood. Santa. The Tooth Fairy. The Easter Bunny. I'm still not sure about the Easter Bunny, and I know that my mom was the Tooth Fairy because I found my baby teeth when I was a teenager, but I still believe in Santa. I saw him work his magic today, so I know he's real.

Happy Christmastime, everyone. I hope you all get to see some magic of your own.

4 weeks

2009-11-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

It's been 4 weeks since I quit smoking!! Incidentally, also 4 weeks since my first surgery, but that's not the point of this post.

I QUIT SMOKING 4 WEEKS AGO!!! I did have one little slip up last week on Halloween..I lit a smoke and took about 4 drags off of it before deciding it was absolutely disgusting and I put it out. (In my defense, I had been drinking and was surrounded by smokers.)

I feel really good about having quit. I don't have that awful cough anymore. It's wonderful!

I also got my approval letter for my health insurance today. It's good for only 6 months, then I have to reapply, but hopefully by then I'll have gotten a new job with health insurance. I need to get my blood pressure checked out. I think I'm gonna have to get on medication. While I was in the hospital, they kept finding it to be 160/105 - or somewhere in that range of 10 points up or down. That's not good. My blood pressure has never been that high. The hospital actually put me on medication before my surgery to help bring it down so there weren't any complications.

This is just more proof that I have to change my lifestyle. Being completely sedentary is not working for me. But now that I'm totally healed from my surgery, I can get onto the elliptical. I hate that it's in the garage, but it's way too heavy to bring upstairs.

Anyway...I just wanted to celebrate being smoke free for 4 weeks. Yay!!

Halloween!

2009-11-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

Just got my Halloween photos posted to Facebook. Click on the pic to see the rest.

Halloween was fun. There was a little drama before the party started because I was tired and apparently annoyed people with my attitude, but whatever. (I'd been up since 4:30am because I had to work that morning and was only able to take a 30 minute nap before finishing up party prep.) But once I segregated myself from everyone and got myself ready for the party, things seemed to be smoothed over and/or forgotten.

For a minute we thought only 2 people were going to show up, but, in the end, 5 showed up. It was the perfect number for our house.

I crashed out at about 1:30am (after the time change) because I was so exhausted, but I must say that I was quite the trooper to last that long. LOL. I'll at least pat myself on the back if no one else will. haha

Anyway..hope you all had great Halloweens as well!

And now we move onto Christmas time!! My work is already decked out in Christmas trees and paper chains. Christmas music, too!! It's such a happy time. ;o) Oh! And I got my first Eggnog Latte of the season. It was oh so tasty!

Grandma Update

2009-10-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon, I went to see my grandma with my parents. She was looking pretty good. She's not in much pain, but her meds make her nauseated, so she's not eating much. Also, she's really tired. She took an hour-long nap after we got there.

She really does look frail, if I'm being honest, but I think that's because she just doesn't feel well. She was sad she couldn't eat any food (she wants to but is afraid of her stomach getting upset and throwing up), but said she'd try a little bit at some point. We left a bunch of food for her, so I hope she got to enjoy some of it.

At one point when we were there, she was lamenting over the fact that she bought a TV for her bedroom because she now thinks it's a waste of money. She said she thought she'd "go fast" and would be in bed most of the time, but now things are "dragging on" and she much prefers to be in the livingroom. LOL. She's a crazy woman. I think part of her wants to just give in and let whatever happens happen, but I think she's really fighting on the inside.

My aunt Pamela has been spending a lot of time with Grandma since she's not currently working. She took a leave of absence because her Lupus flared up. My cousin Sierra also moved into the basement so she can be there when no one else is. What I find interesting is that her boyfriend is living there with her. 12 years ago, my grandma cried because I was moving in with my boyfriend and would be "living in sin". But I guess things are different now for the youngest grandchild. Then again, she's 21 and I was only 18 at the time. LOL.

Anyway...I think my grandma is still going to be around for a bit.

Video of the week.

2009-10-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I did one of these, but I couldn't resist. Cake Wrecks twittered this video this morning. It's awesome! It makes me want to go back to working in an office with cubicles. LOL

And the hits keep coming...

2009-10-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

My grandma has not had it very easy for the last few years.

Starting 15 years ago, she's gone through the following:
She had 2 heart attacks in the same day
She fell and broke her wrists.
She fell and hurt her back.
She had 2 back surgeries between Nov '07 and May '08.
She's over come lung cancer twice - caught early and the spots cut out.
I think she's in the early stages of Alzheimer's.
She's had numerous falls over the last year, continuously bruising her tailbone and injuring her back.

She finally went to the hospital on Monday to have her back looked at. They did a minor surgery to relieve some of her pain and discovered that she has Stage 4 Bone Cancer. I'm not sure what kind of treatments they're going with right now, but she has already been sent home (she was sent home the same day as her procedure). Her current doctors are working with the insurance company to approve a bone cancer specialist that could alleviate her pain and give her another 2 years.

My grandma has an expiration date and I don't like it.

I don't like that this is what it takes for me to step up and be the grandchild I'm supposed to be. I'll be visiting her next week. I'm going to make a conscious effort to visit her every week for as long as she's here.

I'd like to ask that you please donate to anyone and everyone you know that's fundraising for cancer research. Any kind of cancer research.

Right now, Jen @ The Amazing Trips is accepting donations for her Avon Breast Cancer 3-Day walk.

And Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew? is accepting donations for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Foundation Marathon.

Cancer sucks.

What a weekend...

2009-10-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

So I spent the weekend at the County Hospital getting my gall bladder out. It's so not what I had expected to be doing this weekend, but it couldn't wait. LOL.

All last week I'd been having severe abdominal pain and finally went to the ER on Friday morning. I was kept in the ER all day while they ran labs and did ultrasounds on my belly. At 8pm, I was finally given a room. I shared my room with a very sick older lady. She slept most of the time, as did I, really. I didn't really sleep much last week, so I was constantly nodding off. lol.

I had my surgery done at about 3pm on Saturday and was hopped up on morphine for the rest of the night. It was a really quick, easy surgery. It was laproscopic so I have 4 puncture wounds in my belly and that's it. They're pretty sore today and the one under my belly button is pretty sore and a little swollen, so I'm going to take it pretty easy today.

Sorry if I hadn't told you about what was going on...I just didn't want to freak anyone out or not be able to keep up with who I was updating. But it's all good now!

This was my first surgery, too. I'd never had to have anything done before. It was kind of nerve wracking. But I guess I've "popped my cherry" so to speak, so if anything else happens, I won't be so nervous. lol.

So how'd you spend your weekend? ;o)

Gay Days @ Disneyland

2009-10-07T15:45:00.001-07:00

We had so much fun this weekend!! The drive down and back wasn't too horrible, considering we took my dad's truck and couldn't drive faster than 65. Both days, Jenn and I were up at at the park by 8:30am and didn't leave until past 10pm. The park was open until midnight both nights, but we just couldn't make it that far.

Best discovery ever: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad in the dark. It's so awesome!!

Since we were with friends, I was able to finally ride Tower of Terror at CA Adventure. That scared the poop out of me, but I'm so doing it again when we go. LOL. Hell, I'll go by myself if I have to!!

Being at the park surrounded by so many other gay people was just so awesome. Watching the "straights" try to figure out why so many people were wearing red was awesome. LOL. Confusion, then recognition, then more confusion. The best part was when we came across a group of 100 bears (big, hairy gay men) at Small World. People were dumbfounded at all these giant men in red. Awesomeness!

I can't wait to go again. I think we'll definitely go back for another Gay Day. Next time, we're all making matching shirts!

I love hanging out with my boys Jimmy & Miguel and this weekend was an absolute blast with them. They are just so funny and so awesome.

I can't really put much else into words, so I'm just gonna link to my pics on Facebook. Enjoy!

Disneyland, here we come!

2009-10-02T00:44:00.001-07:00

So, in approximately 24 hours, I will be arriving in Anaheim. Jenn and I will be spending the weekend at Disneyland. I am so excited!! It's Gay Day "Weekend" at the park, so we've packed our red shirts (and some pants), and will be meeting up with a bunch of friends. As of last weekend, DL is decorated for Halloween, so it's going to be extra fun. I've never been to DL for any holiday, so to go for my favorite holiday is really special. I seriously cannot wait. I'm sure my work shift is going to drag like hell. lol.

I'll be sure to post some pics when we get back. We're taking the laptop with us just in case we fill the camera's memory card. lol. Last year we took about 120 pics and it was just a normal weekend. I'm sure we'll take at least double that this weekend.

In other news, I'm pretty much all moved into my bedroom. I've even put stuff up on the walls! I did that today while I was packing for this weekend. I need to pick up a couple of poster frames, though. I have my NKOTB poster that needs a frame, plus I have these 2 Mexican paper cut out things that need frames. I'll take pics when they're up so you know what I'm talking about. LOL.

I also realized just how out of control my purse collection is. LOL. I filled a large storage tote with around 12 - 15 purses and 2 tote bags...plus I have 3 sling bags that don't fit...then there's 2 other purses that didn't fit...and then there's 5 more purses that I put on display on a shelving unit next to my bed. I'm sure my counts are short, too. LOL.

I also have a problem with sunglasses. Hanging on our mail sorter/key hook thing, Jenn and I have all of our sunglasses. There are 11 pairs of sunglasses. 9 black, 1 blue, 1 red. All but 2 black ones are mine. LOL.

Don't even get me started on my shoes!! Seriously, I think I have 20 pairs...and I threw out 6 or 7 pairs when I moved rooms.

One day I'll take pics of my collections. LOL. I keep saying that I don't have anything to show for my money, but then I see these collections and go "oh yeah".

The Blame Game

2009-09-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm used to being the bad guy. Sometimes it really is my fault, sometimes I just don't argue and take the fall. Either way, I generally just accept the blame for whatever fight or argument or whatever happened so that there's no fighting. I hate fighting. But someone always needs to play the blame game.

Jenn and I know the truth - there's no one to blame. Things just didn't work the way we wanted them to, so we're taking measures to create our own happiness and truly discover who we are as individuals. There's nothing bad there, right? No. We're still friends. We're still living in the same home. We're still incredibly supportive of each other.

But I get the feeling that people may be angry with me. But that's just fine. Well, no, I wish they weren't mad at me. I don't like people mad at me, but I don't like to fight or argue, so I'm just leaving it be. Things will blow over and be fine like they always are. And if they're not, I suppose I know where loyalties lay and I know who my friends truly are.

All I know is that I'm too old for this bullshit. I'm moving on. I hope everyone else does, too.

I'm so weird...but we already knew that.

2009-09-17T00:04:00.001-07:00

I anticipate getting sick. Not vomiting sick. Not fever sick. I just want a cold. LOL.

Well, I think I want one until I actually have one, then I'm miserable. LOL. I just anticipate getting one and am actually disappointed when I don't get a cold.

I'm so weird.

On the work front...

2009-09-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

So I've been having a real good time at Bath & Body Works. It's an incredibly fun place to work. I love everyone that I work with (save 3 exceptions). I love our products. I love that the company is very Woman-centric. I love that we sponsor a family or a women's shelter during the holidays. I love that we make people happy.

What I don't love is having to work for someone that I believe has a drug problem. We have a new co-manager who has a lot of personal problems and tells us about them. First, I think that's highly inappropriate for her to talk about to any of us. Secondly, she shouldn't be bringing her issues into work, manager or not. On Saturday morning I worked with her and quickly realized she was high as a kite. 3 weeks ago, I opened with her and she was in the back office crying and telling me about her personal issues and how she passed out the night before after taking too many Tylenol on an empty stomach. Later that day, she gave 2 different versions of her story to other coworkers. Saturday morning, I'm pretty sure she was either on Oxy, heroin, methadone or crack. They all have similar looking highs - slowed speech, slow blinking, slurring, balance issues. They're narcotic highs. I saw them all when I worked in San Francisco. The closing manager, who came in close to the end of my shift, saw it, too.

In short, our store manager is aware, has already called HR, and has put everyone on alert to watch for the signs of drug use while on the clock. None of us like the co-manager. She's too ghetto to be a manager. She doesn't speak proper English. She's not a self-starter (she waits to be told what to do or ask someone who's doing work if she can help). She's insincere with her praise and compliments. I think we're all just waiting for her to fail.

It's hard, but we just have to be patient. I have no doubt that she's going to screw up and get herself fired.

In GOOD work news, my store manager told me today that she's working on a plan to get me more advanced in the company. Yay! This will help get me more hours and have some real sense of responsibility. This excites me! Maybe if the co-manager gets fired, I can sneak up and take that place. The 2 sales leads we currently have can't take that position, so maybe I can jump up there and take it. I've actually had a couple of coworkers ask why I'm not a manager or sales lead. LOL. I've had a couple of new people assume I was a manager of some kind. LOL. I guess I still carry myself that way, but I know these people have always seen me work my butt off and kind of take charge. It's just in my attitude when I'm at work. I'm far from lazy or passive when I'm at work.

Also, since I am still just part time at work, I am looking for something else that is part time - just to help out at least through Christmas. Full time work just isn't panning out, so I'll take what I can get. Last night, at 12:30am, I responded to a Craigslist ad for an assistant at a daycare. I think I'm crazy. LOL. Why would I do that?? I don't like other peoples kids!! Oh well, whatever. I get to play with babies. We'll see if that comes through. It's just a daycare, not a preschool, so I don't need ECE credits, thankfully. I can't try taking that class again. LOL.

So that's the news on the work front. When/If things change, you'll be the first to know. ;o)

Flash Mob

2009-09-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

Best Flash Mob EVER!!! This includes the Sound of Music one I posted a few months ago.

Taking Control

2009-09-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I've mentioned this many times before, but I'm seriously tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my life. I go through the motions of every day, but I rarely feel as though I've lived my day. I just exist. I'm tired of just existing. I really want to start living.

Over on Facebook, I've rediscovered old high school friends and see that all these people that I entered adulthood with have lived so much better lives than I have. No, I'm not trying to compete, I'm absolutely jealous. These people seem to have just done what they wanted and have lived happy lives. I know that everyone has times that are not as great as others, but my rough spot has lasted for years and years.

Now that I'm 30 years old, I can't allow this to continue. I'm not getting any younger here.

Yes, this goes back to that procrastination issue I posted about a week and a half ago. Yes, procrastination got the better of me and I still have yet to get on that damn elliptical. But, in my defense, all last week, temps were near or over 100 degrees and my garage isn't air conditioned. Also, I got pretty beat up at work and ran myself until I was sick. Not so good.

So now begins another week and I'm going to get started on getting myself a little healthier.

I'm also going to try a little harder to find a full time job. I need to do this for me. I thought I'd like staying home and not working or only working part time, but I hate having to ask for money or asking to spend money. I'm a grown adult, I shouldn't have to do this. I want to be free to spend my money how I want to spend it.

Speaking of spending money, I've come across quite a few plus-size fashion blogs (Young, Fat & Fabulous, Fatshionable, Big Gurl Fashion, and Five Favorite Things). These are blogs of average plus sized women who have found great ways and great places to dress their bodies. I want to be more fashionable. It's not that I have bad taste in clothing, I just want to have more of an edge and wear more than just ribbed tank tops and jeans. I also want to learn to wear heels again. LOL. It's been so long since I wore heels on a regular basis, but I really like heeled shoes. It'll help with my coordination, too. LOL.

But I'm getting side tracked (as usual). I want to take control of my life. I want to be selfish. I don't want other people calling the shots. I don't want to be told what my plans are. I want to make my own plans. I want to do my own thing. Being a people pleaser has gotten me in this situation and it hasn't made me happy.

I'm taking control. I'm going to make myself happy.

Rockin The Beer Gut

2009-09-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

Just saw this on CMT. Hooray for girls with a little extra love around their waist!!

Breeders

2009-09-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Why do people even care that Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child? Why do people wish she would die or that her uterus falls out every time she gets pregnant? Why is it your business?

The Duggars aren't using government resources to raise their children. They make their own money (apart from their TV show) and aren't in debt. Everything they have they own outright. The Duggars are raising their children to be upstanding citizens. In all the shows I've ever seen, I've only seen the children under 3 years old throw tantrums and that's because they're too young to reason with. They're not raising Bebe's kids. And, they're not even using your tax dollars to educate their children - they homeschool!

Yes, having that children might seem excessive, but obviously Jim Bob and Michelle are still in love after 20+ years of marriage and enjoy doing it all the time. The result of this is babies. Good for them!! Not many of us are as lucky!

I made a similar post last year when they announced their pregnancy for baby #18 and I'll make this post every time she gets pregnant.

Let's all direct our anger towards Welfare moms who continue having babies and are bleeding the system dry! Let's direct our anger towards parents who don't parent their children - letting them run wild in the streets and disrespect everyone they come in contact with. Let's direct our anger towards those who deserve it!

Procrastination

2009-08-26T23:47:00.001-07:00

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? That's always been my motto. I consider myself to be one of the greatest procrastinators of all time. I've always been this way. If I'm told I have a deadline for something, I wait until the 11th hour, if I even do it at all. School homework was often late. Work projects are completed minutes before they need to be turned in. Most of the time my procrastination was never an issue, just maybe a small kick in the pants when I got something done late and got into trouble for it.

However, I've come to realize that my procrastination has really caught up with me and I'm not happy.

I'm an SA advocate and novice activist. SA is Size Acceptance. It's taken me a long time to learn to love my body and accept that I'll never be a size 2, or even a size 10. It really does take a lot of work to get to this place - to see myself as being beautiful when society tells me I'm disgusting.

While I do have a strong belief that genetics and hormones have aided me in becoming the size I am, I know that what I put into my body doesn't help and neither does my lack of exercise. That being said, I do need to state that my cholesterol is just fine, as is the rest of my bloodwork. Yes, I do have slightly elevated blood pressure, but that is due to the fact that I am a smoker. So, while I may be out of shape, I am not unhealthy.

What has gotten me upset is that I weighed myself recently and discovered that I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought. I am now greatly aware that my belly sticks out farther than my breasts. 20 pounds ago, that wasn't the case.

Now, where does the procrastination come in, you ask. I have an elliptical machine in my garage. It's collecting dust. I haven't used it once since we moved last November and have used it less than a dozen times since I bought it from a friend 2 years ago. I always say "Oh, I'll start using it tomorrow." or "I'll start my exercise program on Monday." Tomorrow and Monday always comes and goes and I have yet to set foot in my garage to use it and now it's caught up with me.

I hate exercising. It's really the bane of my existence. But I know that exercising makes me feel better (once the burn wears off), I have more energy, and my mood is greatly improved. But I have no energy to get down there in the first place. At least, I think, I've found motivation - to make my belly smaller than my boobs again.

I'll never be skinny, nor will I ever be thin. I'll always be "thick" or fat. It's a fact of life, and that's just fine with me. I just don't feel good where I'm at right now. My first goal is just to get back under 250. Idealy, I would like to weigh under 220, but we'll see how getting under 250 goes. Although, to be honest, I don't really care what I weigh. I don't give a crap about that number. It's the fact that I look down and see belly first, not my toes.

The number that I actually do care about is my pant size. I currently wear a size 22 (which, oddly enough, is what I wore 20 pounds ago. LOL. That's how I didn't even notice I gained weight!!) in pants. My top size did go up, though. I'm now in a 3x top. That bugs me. I would like to get down to a 1x top and a "teen" pant size; out of the 20's.

And this is where you come in! I need help. I need people to be on my ass about getting some of this weight off. I need help to get my ass downstairs, into the garage, and onto the elliptical. I do have some inspiration (Jen @ The Amazing Trips, Lani @ Triplets: Who Knew?, Gen @ The McNulty Quads, and Emily @ The Wright Five) for not just sitting around on my butt all day. These women are either on weight loss journeys or are training for marathons and walks for cancer research. Jen's What's In You Wednesdays always strike a chord in me, but I never do anything about it. It really eats at me just how lazy I am.

I don't want to do that anymore. A year ago, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with HIV and I pledged to do the AIDS walk this year. I didn't do it. I've always wanted to do the Bay to Breakers. I never have. I want to do the Avon 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I never have. I know I don't have to be skinny to do these things, but if I get my energy up, I can do them. If I stop being a procrastinator I can do them.

So maybe now that I've put this out there for the world to see, I'll hold myself accountable and stop putting things off for tomorrow. I know it'll be hard work, but I can't have this mentality anymore. It's caused me to miss out on a lot of things/people/stuff and I don't want to continue on that path.

Perhaps I'll start "Motivation Mondays" and blog about my progress with my procrastination issue. Maybe if I just work at keeping things in the forefront of my mind (and my blog) I'll be more likely to stick with working on this and not just give up after only one or two tries. We'll see how this goes, but hopefully even this entry will be motivation enough.

Wish me luck!

Blah Blah Blah

2009-08-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

I've been in a very unhappy mood lately. There's not really a single reason for it, there's a multitude of things that have added up to a lot of stress and bad feelings. The thing is, I have no idea how to remedy any of the things I'm going through right now.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've applied for a couple of full time Manager jobs for storage companies (that's what I did full time for the last 3 years). Money has been a small stress factor. It's not huge, but I would honestly like to go back to the standard of living that we had when Jenn and I both worked full time in SF. We also need the extra money to save up to buy a car. Right now I'm using my dad's truck on and off, but it'd be nice to have my own vehicle.

Also, it seems that if we do proceed with having a baby with Miguel, we may be on our own without financial help. His boyfriend happened to mention to me that Miguel is wanting to quit work and go back to school. If that happens, he's got no income to help us out - that's how we'd be able to afford having me stay home once kids come. But without that support it's not going to be possible.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that we're going to proceed with trying to have babies with Miguel. With this new information about him going back to school, and with him not even attempting to approach me about the baby making since I got back from Oregon on June 29th, I don't know that he's the right fit anymore. I just don't want to have to chase him down to see his child or to deal with whatever responsibility that needs taking care of.

I also feel like I've sacrificed so much by only working part time. I've become a real cheapskate. LOL. I try not to buy things if I don't have to. I mean, I go 8 weeks or more between dye jobs to help save money. lol. I don't drink the way I used to. I don't smoke nearly as much as I did. I only buy clothes for work and when I do, they're really on sale. But there are things in this house that no one wants to cut back on - like cable, or magazines, or beer, or books, or eating out or quit smoking completely (though we're trying to make the end of this month the quit date). In short, it'll just make my life happier if I can just have my own, larger income so I don't have to worry about this stuff.

In addition to that, one of the jobs I applied for has both Jenn and I worried that it's a posting for her position here. It's probably irrational to think that way because Jenn hasn't been given warnings or write ups for anything, but it's still kind of worrysome. I wish that I'd get a response back so we'd know for sure.

I'm just so tired of being rundown, stressed out, and depressed. I need medical insurance to get on some kind of antidepressant. I need to be happy. I'm so tired of being miserable. I've been miserable most of my life. I just can't live this way anymore.

I think finding a full time job would be the start, I just don't know where to go after that.

Ask and you shall receive

2009-08-16T15:51:00.001-07:00

I came across a plus sized online store today that is not only trendy, but affordable.

Casual Plus

My next clothing spree will be going to this store!

Plus Sized Clothing

2009-08-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

I have to say that as a plus-sized woman, it's disappointing to go shopping for clothes. I don't have a huge budget as we are operating on only 1.5 incomes, so I can't spend tons of money on clothes at any given time.

My favorite places to shop are Torrid and Old Navy. Old Navy is much more in my price range, but sometimes I want clothing that's edgier than the preppy stuff they have, and it'd be nice to shop in a real store, not just online (plus sizes are only sold online now), but Torrid is just way out of my price range. I shop at Torrid when they have their 50% off Clearance sales, but not really at any other time.

Target and Walmart have plus sizes, but most of those styles are for people my mother's age, not mine. It's hard to be a 20 or 30-something, plus sized, and broke.

It's also really hard for me to buy shoes. This doesn't have anything to do with being plus sized, but I am almost 6 feet tall and have size 10.5/11 feet. It's so hard to find cute shoes in my size. My choices are usually ugly sneakers, ugly flats, or stripper shoes. Yeah, I don't like either of them. I would like the same shoe someone a size 6 has, but in a size 11. It's not like clothing where some items just don't translate well into a large size. A shoe is a shoe, there shouldn't be a reason that shoes can't be made larger than a size 9!

So, all around, shopping is a pain in my ass. LOL. Yeah, yeah, I know "lose some weight and you won't have these problems!" But it's not really that - it's price. I don't understand why the fashionable stuff is so damn expensive! Cotton and spandex don't get more expensive when you make it cute instead of ugly. LOL. Thankfully I can find random shoes at Payless (though they're not so cheap anymore), and I've always got my Converse. =o)

I'm looking forward to Revolution 1228 coming out with an affordable (AND CUTE!) plus-sized line. This is clothing being designed by Mia Tyler and a partner right now. There has been one shirt launched already and I'm looking forward to more. I've seen samples and love what I see. I'm hoping that the items will be as affordable as I would like them, but we'll see how things go. I have faith!!

If all else fails, maybe I'll try making my own line. ;o)

I'm on a boat!

2009-08-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Jenn, Shauna, Cole, and I went up to Jenn's dad's place so he could take us out on the river in his boat. It's just a little 10 person boat, not really anything fancy. We zoomed up the river and stopped at the bridge between Rio Vista and Lodi on HWY 12 where we jumped into the water to play a bit, as well as have a little picnic lunch. Shauna and Cole brought sandwich making items while Jenn and I brought the condiments, chips, and fruit salad.

After hanging out there for about an hour, we headed back towards home because Jenn's step-mom needed to get back home so she could take her brother to the Sacramento airport. Once we dropped her off, we blew up an inner tube, attached it to the boat and Mark drug us around on it in front of the boat. Cole was a champ; Mark really had to work to get him off the tube. We all got a turn and had lots of fun. The funniest part of my ride (and I got 2 because I got thrown off really early the first time), was that when I bailed off the tube, I very nearly lost my shorts. LOL. They seriously ended up around my knees. It happened to all of us to some degree. LOL. Bailing off the tube was fun. I did a barrel roll the first time I was thrown off. Shauna needed a little convincing to go, but she had a good time.

And now, everything hurts!! LOL. I wore a much higher SPF than the last time we went, so I'm not sunburnt, but I'm sore from using all those muscles I didn't know I had while trying to stay upright on a boat, and trying to hang onto that damn tube. LOL.

As soon as Shauna uploads her photos, I'll snag them and put them up here.

Life & Death

2009-08-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

So the last week has been really rough.

Carl's services were beautiful. There was a rosary on Thursday night and mass & gravesite service on Friday morning. My dad was a pall bearer. I can't go into details without getting weepy, but throughout the tears, there was also some laughter.

This last week has had me almost in a tailspin. I've known Carl my entire life. He was my dad's best friend. His girls were like my cousins. We went on trips together. His death has me fearing for my own dad's life. I have always been afraid of my dad dying. I don't know how I'll get through it when he does die, but after losing Carl, the possibility of my dad (or, really, anyone else close to me) dying has consumed my thoughts.

I don't think of these things consciously, they just take over when I don't have anything to focus on. My mind starts to wander and all of a sudden, I'm imagining the phone call I'll get or begin to eulogize my dad and start tearing up. Of course I immediately change my thoughts when I realize where my mind is going, but I hate that my mind's going there in the first place.

Ugh. Death is so hard.

The last funeral I went to was 15 years ago, for my cousin John. It was a short chapel service at the funeral home, then the graveside service at the military cemetery. Carl's service was a 2 day event and it just drained me. Because we were so close with the Rath family, we saw more than I think we really needed to see. I've never experienced such grief first hand, much less second hand, until now. I think experiencing that grief exaggerated my own and brought forth all this anxiety that had laid dormant.

Ok...I have to get off this subject for now...but, yeah...death sucks.

How Does It Feel To Be Gay?

2009-07-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

This is a copy/paste from the Queers United blog. It's too good not to share.

An Exercise in Gay Acceptance for Heterosexuals

This video is an exercise that was given at a seminar in how it feels to be isolated and discriminated against as a gay person. This video is an exercise to let straight people imagine what it would feel like if the world was gay, and heterosexuals considered deviant outcasts. It is eye opening video into heterosexual privilege and highly recommended!

Family and death

2009-07-27T20:24:00.001-07:00

My dad called about an hour and a half ago. I had an odd feeling when he called because it's a Monday and I couldn't think of any reason why he'd need to call. Well, he did have a reason and it wasn't a good one. His best friend Carl died of a heart attack yesterday. He died alone, in his car, a block from home. A stranger found him and called 911. By the time emergency crews got there, he was gone.

I'd always considered Carl my uncle. He'd been friends with my dad for much longer than I've been alive. We've done family vacations with Carl, his wife, and their 2 daughters (both not much younger than me). I was on a bowling team with my dad and Carl for about 4 or 5 years. I remember finding his obsession with The Beatles to be kinda funny.

I last saw Carl on Opening Day at AT&T Park with my dad, brother, and my dad's other friend John. It was good to see everyone that day, especially Carl. I hadn't seen him since I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago and stopped bowling with my dad.

Carl is the first close family member I've lost since my great-grandmother died when I was 12. I'd pretty much forgotten what loss like this feels like. It's hard to comprehend that I'll never see him again. He was so young - the same age as my dad, in his mid-50's. And such a funny guy.

His wife, Paula, is beside herself. My dad says she's really kind of lost. She lost her husband and best friend. Both of their kids aren't home anymore - the youngest is in college, but at least she's only in Sonoma, so she's not that far away, and the other is married and teaching in southern California. I can't think of Paula ever being without Carl. They're two peas in a pod. I cannot imagine the anguish she's feeling right now. But I will pray that God gives her strength. I know she's going to need it.

There's a rosary on Thursday night and the funeral is Friday. My dad's going to be a pallbearer. I'm going to find coverage for Friday's shift so I can be there. I can't even imagine not going.

In any case, be sure to hold your loved ones close and tell them you love them everyday. You never know if it's the last time you'll see them.

I finally went to church.

2009-07-21T00:22:00.000-07:00

Over the past weekend, Jenn's family was having a reunion at her grandparents' house not too far from here. We missed most of Saturday's events because Jenn was at work, but we made it for dinner and swimming. It was fun to meet more of her family..there's a lot of them! LOL.

Sunday morning was church, then breakfast, then more swimming. Breakfast was awesome, swimming was fun (not as many kids in the pool!), but church was a real experience.

We went to the family church (St. Francis) for our service. Jenn's family has a lot of history there - her mother's father (which, btw, is not the family that was having the reunion, that was her dad's family) painted most of the paintings inside the church, including the giant cross that sits behind the altar. Her dad's family has been going there for 50+ years. All of her aunts, uncles, and cousins were baptized there, and quite a few have been married there.

I was very overwhelmed and almost overstimulated with emotions that I couldn't define. There was electricity running through my veins. I very nearly cried several times because I felt so full of...something...God's love, perhaps. But I definitely didn't feel out of place.

Jenn had been on board for the church trip for the last few weeks, but had changed her mind on Saturday, but agreed to go when I said I'd still like to attend mass. I was glad. It opened up a (short) dialogue about my wanting to continue attending church. She said she wouldn't mind going back to church either (and neither would our friend Cole), but none of us would like to go to a Catholic church. We were all raised in the Catholic church and don't agree with its teachings and doctrines. We all come from places where we feel, in one way or another, persecuted and abused by the Catholic Church.

I found a Presbyterian church in Pittsburg that I have been wanting to check out for months. I think now I'll finally be able to do it. I almost chickened out Sunday morning, but pulled it together and I'm so glad I went. I think now that I've broken the ice, I can continue going. But, especially since I've never been to this church before, I'll have to get Jenn up and drag her to mass again. LOL. I'll bribe her with McDonald's on the way. LOL.

In any case, I just wanted to share that I'm glad I went and I think this is going to help me in the long run. I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment by saying this, but I think this is going to give me some real direction for my life. I've been feeling lost for a long time, so perhaps this will help me get on the right path for my life.

I'll keep ya updated. ;o)

Raising Sextuplets

2009-07-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

So there's this new multiples show on WE.tv called Rai.sing Sex.tuplets.

Have you seen it? I have. And I don't know that I can continue to watch it. The mom, Jenny, is completely passive and let the kids rule the roost. The dad, Bryan, seems to be self centered and very immature, yet sometimes seems to be the sound of reason in that house. Generally, though, these two seem like bumbling idiots that have no idea what they're doing.

Yes, I completely understand that parenting multiples is difficult. Yes, I understand that being a first-time parent is a series of trial and error. Yes, I understand that I have no children of my own so I really have no voice of authority here. However, I know that there are things that they do that I would NEVER do, and things that they do that I would do completely different because my way makes sense.

For example: When mom gets the babies up, she takes them all out of their cribs at the same time and lets them loose in the livingroom (where there are no gates separating them from the rest of the house as far as i can tell) and changes all their diapers on the floor with all the other kids running around and over the one getting his diaper changed. (I would take them out one at a time, change their diaper, set them in the feeding table, then get the next one, then get them all breakfast.)

Another example: When the mom has to get all the kids into their van to go somewhere, she takes all of them out front and puts one or two in the van, buckles them while there's at least one other kid running around the unfenced yard. Yes, I said unfenced. Sure, they live on a culdesac, but it's still no excuse. (Yeah, I'd take them out of the house one or two at a time and get them both in the van & strapped in, then go back for more...you can't leave a 16-month-old running around a yard that's not fenced in)

Another: When mom goes to work, dad takes care of the kids. As soon as she gets home, (or just a few hours later if she works a night shift {she's a nurse}) she takes over and he walks away. When she stays home all day to take care of the kids while he works, he comes home and doesn't want to change diapers because he works all day. Or one time he came home on his lunch break and she asked him to change a diaper and he refused because he doesn't normally come home at lunch, so why should he have to? (Yeah, I'd be telling my partner to GTFO if they're not going to help. I refuse to be a single parent in a 2 parent home.)

Another: They got a real Christmas tree and decorated it with unbreakable ornaments, however, they didn't gate off the tree in any way, and put it in a corner between 2 couches. The kids have complete access to the entire tree, could pull it down, get into the water, etc. (Yeah..NO! The tree needs to be out of reach of little hands.)

Another: They stayed in a hotel and the camera guy got a shot of one of the babies in the bathroom alone, in the tub, trying to turn on the faucet. The parents were in the main part of the room with a couple of the other kids trying to get them dressed or something. (Umm...try closing the door or corralling them all into pack-n-plays so they don't get into things when you're not paying full attention - especially in an unfamiliar environment!)

There's really so much more as to why it's so difficult for me, you really have to watch it to see what I'm talking about.

I really hate to down talk anyone's parenting, especially because I'm not a parent, but I'm honestly flabbergasted at some of the things that happen in this household.

Ugh..someone please tell me I'm not just being a bitch and that this lady and her husband really are kinda dumb and shouldn't really have those kids. Or, at the very least, should take parenting classes or something?

Oh..and someone needs to give the mom some free dental. Her underbite is so gross!!! That's like the worst kind of oral imperfection for me. LOL. I can't stand underbites. LOL

P.S. If you are offended by what I have said, please read the disclaimer at the bottom of the blog page. Thanks.

Birthday Pics

2009-07-11T14:27:00.001-07:00

I've finally got my birthday pics up on Flickr to share with everyone. I only got the pics a few days ago, but at least I have them. LOL.

Click the pic for the whole set.

Nostalgia

2009-07-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

So NKOTB was in town again last night. This time at the Sleep Train Pavillion in Concord. The show was awesome! I swear, they put on the best shows of anyone I've seen so far. I am going to love those boys until the day I die. I'm also going to crush on them (most of them) until the day I die. LOL. They're hot!! ;o)

There was a group of about 10 of us on the lawn and even more people I knew that had seats down below us. It was such a different experience being with a group of people than just the 2 of us - their energies fueled my own and made it that much more exciting. LOL.

Surprisingly, I didn't have too much difficulty talking today, but my throat is scratchy from all the screaming I did last night. LOL. I am really tired, though. I'm getting old! LOL.

I wish I had enough money to travel to see all their shows in CA. That would be awesome!

Maybe I should play the lottery. LOL

Hot Days of Summer

2009-07-03T15:40:00.001-07:00

So it's been officially summer for a while now and we're really getting into the warm weather. I love the heat. Aside from Christmas-time, when I love the glitz of the lights and trees, Summer is my favorite time of year. My favorite clothing items are tanktops and shorts/capris so loving summertime really fits. LOL.

During the few warm days we had in late spring, we spent some time in the pool over at Shauna and Cole's place, but now that the weather is in the 85 - 105 range, the swimming will be much more enjoyable (the pools aren't heated. booo!!). Unfortunately, S&C are out of town this weekend and Shauna will be out of town next weekend as well (this week for camping, and next week she's going to her sister's in Portland for the Tori Amos concert). I haven't seen S&C since the night I left for Oregon on the 7th of last month - since moving back to the east bay in November, that's the longest I've gone without hanging out with them. LOL. We always have tons of fun hanging out at their place and in/by the pool, so I can't wait for that to start up again. They're house is our home-away-from-home on the weekends.

This weekend, to celebrate the 4th, we'll be at my parents' house tomorrow afternoon/evening for BBQ and possibly fireworks...not sure if we'll be able to see them from their house or not. It'll be a nice day for my dad to forget that he doesn't have a job. He does have an interview on Monday with a car dealership in Vallejo, though, so that's a good thing! (Especially since I pointed him towards the Craigslist posting!! LOL)

Then on Sunday, we'll be headed up to Walnut Grove to spend the day with Jenn's dad and step-mom on their boat in the delta. That should be a fun time. Unfortunately I have to work that night, but we'll be able to have a few hours in the sun and water.

In any case, I just had to share a little love for this time of year. I've already got a good tan going so far and it's only going to get better! I just might have to start going to tanning places during the winter to keep it up. LOL.

Yay Vacation!

2009-06-30T13:04:00.001-07:00

Today has been the first real day of internet usage since we got home from Oregon on Sunday evening. We arrived to a broken A/C unit, so sitting in front of the computer hasn't been a top priority because of the heat. Sunday's temps were at about 105*, yesterday was around 95*, and today is only about 80*, so it's much more tolerable to be here, catching up on all I've missed over the last 12 days. The A/C isn't fixed yet, but hopefully should be today, but thanks to ceiling fans and living in a wind tunnel, things haven't been too horrible.

Anyway...my vacation was fantastic!! Of course, the first 2 weeks of my vacation was spent with Riki in Medford, OR, helping out and keeping her company (and from losing her mind) while adjusting to motherhood. I *heart* babies and it was really difficult to leave, but the coast and the beach were calling, so off Jenn and I went last Sunday.

I swear, I had more seafood last week than I've had in the last year. We had salmon, crab, and muscles that had all been caught (or picked) by the family. I've never had such fresh seafood. Scallops, oysters, and clams were also had, but purchased from the store. lol. There was also shrimp, but I didn't eat any of that - I didn't want to risk swelling like a balloon.

Jenn's family is really fun and hilarious. I'm so glad I got to go. It was kinda weird being in the middle of the pack in the generations. Jenn's aunts and uncles ranged from 10 - 20 years older than us, and her cousins mainly ranged 10 - 20 years younger. LOL. There was one cousin and her husband and sister who were only 6 - 8 years younger, but still. LOL. We all still had a good time, though.

Most of our nights consisted of hanging out at the Beach House (between all the family, we were in 4 houses for 28 people) playing spoons, drinking, and talking. Did you know it's actually possible to get stabbed with a spoon? Yeah. I have evidence!! Jenn's cousin's husband was a little over zealous and got me pretty good on the hand. LOL.

We also had 2 really good days of sun and those were spent on the beach. I got a really good tan and am almost rid of my nasty tan lines on my shoulders (I have a tube-top style bathing suit) and even got some color on my legs! That never happens!! Getting to and from the beach was a real bitch, though. From the Beach House to the actual beach was a cliff with 45 steep steps down. I named them the stairs of death. LOL.

It was really nice to be away from the internets - although that really backfired when people started dying and I needed information - but now there's tons to catch up on. lol. I'm going to continue doing that.

I'll have pictures up as soon as I can.

Going offline

2009-06-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

My time at Riki's has come to an end and so has my internet connection. LOL. For the next week, Jenn and I will be on the coast of Oregon at her family reunion where there will be no internets (at least not that I know of. LOL) for me to check in on everyone with. I'll still be Twittering when I can, so check in over there if you're following me.

Have a great week! I'll see you guys when I get back!

My uterus hates me

2009-06-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

So I've been here, in Medford, OR, for a week now and I think my uterus hates me. I swear it's weeping every time I hold my niece for any extended period of time. LOL. She is the most beautiful baby ever...well, until I have my own kids, that is. LOL.

Just kidding Riki! Love you!! hehehe

Seriously, though, my niece is gorgeous. She's the freakin spitting image of her mother.

And my uterus and ovaries are yelling at me in some language unknown to me, but I know they're pissed off. LOL. I'm hoping this means they'll get their asses in gear and cooperate when I get back to CA and start insems again. The quicker they get their act together, the less clinical we have to be about this situation. LOL.

Anyway...it's 1am and I should get to bed. Little Miss Fussy Pants will have us up before we know it. Hopefully I can sleep until 9am. ;o)

Stress!!

2009-06-11T00:32:00.001-07:00

My dad called today. He got laid off from his job. He worked at a Chrysler dealer, in their service & parts department. They all thought they were safe since they were part of a corporation with Sonic (not the restaurant chain) who owns other dealers as well as Infineon Raceway (formerly Sears Point).

My parents bought a house last year and have a large mortgage. Thankfully my brother, who still lives with them, works full time and has good income so he can help out. As soon as I'm home from Oregon, I'm seriously looking for something full time so I can funnel my money towards my parents if need be. I mean, with the job market the way it is, who knows how long it might be until my dad finds a job. Who knows how long it'll be until I find a job?

This really sucks. I smoked twice today because of it (I've been trying to quit cold turkey since being in Oregon, but have had 3 cigs in 3 days...not bad, really). It's stressful worrying about them. I'm sure they'll be fine, but still, I worry. I've seen so many other people lose their homes because of this damn economy, I don't want that for my parents.

If you're the praying type, please throw them in your prayer list. I'd really appreciate it.

I made it!

2009-06-07T16:00:00.001-07:00

After 15 hours of travel (Amtrak train & bus) I finally made it to Medford at 12:45 today. I'm exhausted. I've been up for 26+ hours at this point, but sufficiently caffeinated that I won't fall asleep mid conversation. I'll probably hit a wall at 7pm and crash out for the night, but I'm good to go until then. LOL.

The train ride was fun. I wish I could have done it during the day so I could have seen the sights (and not missed out on as much sleep!), but I got a lot of reading and crocheting done. ;o)

Now I'm at Riki's. I've seen the baby - she's more beautiful than her pictures show - and I'm totally jealous!! LOL My time will come, but I want it to be soon!! LOL

Already I'm so relaxed here - it's the clean air. LOL. I can't wait to visit the goats. LOL. I just may never want to go home.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna go take a shower and wash the travel stink off me. LOL. That'll be a good start to the rest of the afternoon/evening.

STOP! Hammertime!

2009-06-05T22:43:00.001-07:00

Weird Weather.

2009-06-04T16:38:00.000-07:00

So I, along with many people around the state, experienced warm, but thundery weather last night. While I was at work, I took out the trash and was greeted with 70-degree temps and a sprinkling of rain at 7pm. LOL After the sun went down, Jenn and I saw flashes of lightening out over the delta and in Oakley. Around 1:30am, there were some thunder crashes directly overhead, but those passed very quickly. At that point, I decided to get off the computer and head to bed, but as I was shutting off the lights and putting my water cup in the sink, lightening caught my eye, so I grabbed a smoke and went outside to watch it a bit. LOL. There were only 5 - 15 seconds between each flashes, sometimes as little as only 1 second. It was so awesome to watch!! I caught a little video on my phone, but I can't get it off my phone and onto the internets. LOL I want to share it cuz it was cool! I kinda hope there's more lightening tonight, but I don't think there will be. LOL. Oh well.

The Weekend Review

2009-06-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

My birthday weekend went pretty well, I have to say. ;o)

Friday night, after Jenn got off work, we headed up the street to the Contra Costa County fair. I forgot my phone at home, so I wasn't able to Twitter about all the awesome trashiness we witnessed. LOL. First, not 2 minutes after we walked in, we saw Jenn's ex who now looks super scary (too much sun, gained weight, had a front tooth rot out of her head, probably is doing drugs now). She came up to us and said hi and acted as though there hasn't been a year since we've spoken. Weird. There was also the hugest police presence I've ever seen anywhere in my life. Seriously - you couldn't walk more than 40 or 50 feet without seeing a group of 3 or more Antioch cops or county Sheriffs. It was weird. For dinner, we had foot-long corndogs. They were so freakin obscene, but damn tasty. There were only 2 beer booths, too! Ghetto! OH!!! And they had a shark display - a 10x30 foot tank with 3 sharks in it. It was really quite sad, to be honest. There was also a live Giant Snake booth and a live Monkey booth, both of which you had to pay $1 to get in and see what they were hiding. I chose not to encourage either of those things. There was the usual fair stuff, though - the Midway games, ferris wheels, and other rides, the livestock, the craft rooms (where we saw some AMAZING quilts!! I'm gonna have to start one now and get myself entered for next year!! lol), and the live band. The band was a general rock cover band who had a second singer that was a Tom Petty impersonator. Ooh! And we got a funnel cake! I definitely got my $8 admission's worth of entertainment at the fair.

Saturday was my actual birthday. I tried to sleep in, but was up at 9am anyway. LOL. I laid around and fell back asleep until a little past 11am. I just hung out on the computer and waited for Jenn to get off work at 4. I did wake up with a migraine, so I worried that I was going to implode. Once that passed (it was completely gone around 3pm), I got up and started getting ready to go out. When Jenn was off work, she changed and we headed out to The Outback Steakhouse for dinner. I got my usual Ribeye (medium rare!!) with the mushroom & lobster sauce. I ate my fill, then took the other half home to have for lunch (which I did today. LOL). Once we got home, we laid around for a bit, letting ourselves digest and preparing to head out of the house. LOL. Once it was late enough, we headed out to Pleasant Hill BART to pick up who was coming in for the weekend, then got to Shauna & Cole's house to grab everyone and head to Masse's (a pool hall/bar). Of course there was much drinking, a bit of food, and some pool playing. We had a good time. Everyone laughed and carried on. Cole invited his now former boss to come hang out with us as Travis had just been let go from his job and could use an excuse to hang out and party. We shut the bar down. LOL. Travis drove us all home (in 2 shifts), where we hung out and were up until about 4am. Surprisingly, I didn't wake up with a hangover, but I did remember that at some point during the night (at the bar, not at home), I humped Angel's leg. LOL. Oops. ;o)

So Sunday was pretty lazy. Jenn was kind of ambitious and ran out for donuts before everyone else was up. At around 2, we finally got our acts together and the 5 of us (me, jenn, shauna, cole, and angel) headed out for club sandwiches and a beer at the bar around the corner (which were disappointing!), then went to get frozen yogurt. Yumm!! After that, it was pretty much time to get Angel back to Amtrak so he could get back home, and so I could get home to change so I could get to work. Work ran late last night as we had to change the ENTIRE store, plus a couple people had to leave early and there were a couple no-shows. I didn't get out of there until about 1:45am. But it was a fun atmosphere, so it didn't really seem like we were there that long.

I had a really great birthday weekend. It definitely wasn't what I had planned out a month or more ago, but I'm happy with the way things turned out. Sometimes smaller is better!

Thank you to everyone who sent me birthday wishes!! So far my 30's are awesome. Hopefully they will continue to be that way. LOL.

Video of the Week

2009-05-30T19:08:00.001-07:00

Literal version of Total Eclipse of the Heart. It's freakin hilarious!!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2009-05-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the military is still discharging soldiers for being openly gay?

One of these soldiers is California's own Lt. Dan Choi, who is also an Arabic linguist. In March, Lt. Choi went on Rachel Maddow's show and spoke honestly about his sexual orientation. As a result, the Army sent him a letter of discharge on April 23. Lt. Choi is now fighting the discharge and fighting the discriminatory "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

I just signed a Courage Campaign petition to President Obama -- signed by more than 100,000 people -- urging him to do the right thing by stopping the discharge of Lt. Dan Choi and other LGBT soldiers, and asking President Obama to uphold his promise to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." The Courage Campaign will deliver this petition to the president -- that's why it is important that as many people as possible speak out right now.

Will you join me in signing and urge your friends to do the same?:

http://www.couragecampaign.org/DontFireDan

Thanks!

Cycle 10

2009-05-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

So I made the executive decision to skip May's cycle so I could have a break from the stress. Unfortunately because of my scheduled trip to see my friend Riki in Oregon (who gave birth to my niece last night!!!), I'm missing the June cycle by about 2 days. Ultimately I think this break is a good thing, but I feel so down in the dumps about it.

My friend Ashley gave birth to her 3rd baby (but first daughter) 5 months ago. Riki had her daughter last night. A triplet mommy who's blog I read is going to give birth to her surprise baby #4 this Friday, I believe. And another triplet mommy who also has an older child just found out she's preggo with her surprise baby #5. While I'm so incredibly happy for all of these women, I can't help but be incredibly jealous at the same time.

When I come back from Oregon and we try in July, that'll be our first anniversary of trying to conceive. I really hope that I do get pregnant by the end of the year. Past that, I know that I'll have to start seeing doctors and such to make sure nothing's wrong, but I'm incredibly frightened that something is wrong. Then again, I really think that I may have had a miscarriage last month - there was tissue I discharged that just didn't look normal. So that may be a positive sign. Who knows.

All I know is that patience is not a virtue I have.

Edited to add: I just remembered...2 old high school friends that I've reconnected with through Facebook are currently pregnant. Ugh! Again, happy for them, but why can't it be me?!?! :::shakes fist in the air:::

2 Steps back

2009-05-26T12:07:00.001-07:00

The CA State Supreme Court ruled today to uphold the ban on Gay Marriage as approved by 52% of voters last November.

They said that a simple majority has the right to decide the civil rights of other human beings.

Frankly, what the Supreme Court did was cowardly. A year ago they gave us the right to marry and now they're afraid of pissing off 52% of the state. It's complete bullshit.

This is a huge disappointment. I cannot believe the idiocy of this decision.

For once, I'm actually out of words. I cannot express my anger, disappointment and hurt.

2009-05-23T13:00:00.001-07:00

Jon & Kate Plus 8

2009-05-22T11:52:00.001-07:00

I know not everyone likes Jon & Kate Plus 8, but seeing them in the tabloids now, their marriage in trouble...it's kind of sad.

A small update

2009-05-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

So I guess I haven't done a real update in a little while, so here we go...

I've gotten a few more hours at work, but not much. This week I was only scheduled for 5 hours - and that was this morning. I really do love my job, I just wish there were more hours. LOL. But that's the economy for you. For as much of a loner as I am, I really do like this "salesperson" job. It's not hardcore sales, but more customer service based. (I work for Bath & Body Works if I didn't already mention that somewhere along the way. LOL) Hopefully I'll have more hours next week as we're gearing up for our Semi-Annual sale in June.

In 10 days, I'm turning 30. I'm nervous. I don't want to say I'm 30. I don't like that number at all. I really wish I was going to be able to ring in my birthday in a big way, but we just don't have the money. It's my own fault, though. I should have looked for a job as soon as I moved. In any case, I will be getting together with my friends the night of my birthday to have drinks and play some pool.

On June 7th I'll be heading out of town to stay with my friend Riki in Medford, OR for 2 weeks. She's going to be having a baby very shortly (she already lost her mucus plug, so it could be any day now, but her official due date is this coming Tuesday) and I'll be headed up there to spend time with her and help her around the house and farm (she lives on her mom and step-dad's mini farm - there's goats and chickens).

Then, on the 21st of June, Jenn will be meeting me in Medford and we'll take off to Coos Bay, OR (out on the coast) to spend a week with her family. It's their annual family reunion week. Several houses will be rented, there'll be family meals, (maybe) some salmon fishing (for Jenn's grandpa and uncles, I will not be participating in that, but I will be eating their catch!), crabs to eat, wine to drink with the aunts, and lounging on the beach getting tans. I can't wait!

Other than that, there's not much going on. I spend my days at home, on the internets, watching my talk shows (Oprah, Martha, Ellen), and Cash Cab. LOL. Maybe one day I'll have more interesting information to pass on, but for now, that's all I've got. ;o)

Marriage Equality Speech

2009-05-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

as brought to you by a 3rd grader:

This kid is awesome and has amazing parents.

Smoking Pollutants

2009-05-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

I understand that there are people in the world who are adamantly against smoking. That's your right. Smoking is a disgusting habit and there are studies that have been shown to cause cancer. I'm not debating that at all.

What I am debating is these anti-smokers who seem to think that we smokers are the only people polluting the air they breathe as they're walking down the street. Unless this smoker is blowing smoke directly into your face, don't give him nasty looks because you're also getting pollutants from the cars, trucks, and buses that are driving next to you. The pollutants are also coming from people burning logs in their fireplace or backyard. There are pollutants being put in the air by businesses and manufacturing plants.

Please understand that I fully acknowledge my own part, as a smoker, in polluting the air and, by proxy, your lungs. But please also understand that smokers aren't entirely responsible for your dirty lungs.

Please think about this before you give me a nasty look for hiding in a corner, away from other people, and doing my best not to inflict my bad habit on other unsuspecting people while smoking.